Chapter 82

"So," Shawna said as she settled onto the couch.

Her mother's eye was a deep purple, swollen and obviously painful, but it didn't hide the redness that spoke of an afternoon of tears.

"So?"

"So you said you were going to explain about Richard Travers."

"Charlotte's not come down for me to tell her."

"Lotty's gone out, about ten minutes after I left."

"She's ... Where's she gone?"

"She said she was going to stay with Sarah Bittern for the night."

That set her mother off into another flood of tears, and Shawna settled back against the arm of the sofa until they dried up.

"Marcus wanted to come and find out as well."

"Find out what? I thought he'd want to see Lotty."

"Well, he does a little. He'll want it a little more when she's calmed down. He wants to know about his dad. And he's figured out that Lotty was conceived and born after him, but before his mother gave him up to Nick and moved away with Richard Travers. He wants to know what happened. So do I."

"What does it matter?"

"It matters, Mum, because we want to know why you lied to us?"

"I never..."

"Lies of omission are still lies," Shawna cut her off. "Letting Lotty go all that way when you knew he wasn't her dad was ... I don't know what that was, to be honest."

"Inexcusable?"

Shawna only nodded in reply as more tears came. She leant forward and poured the tea as the tears petered out.

"What I really don't get, Mum," she said as she passed the tea across, "is what you thought you'd gain? I mean you had to know it'd get out eventually. You knew Dad knew, right?"

"I knew," she admitted, gripping the tea in white-knuckled hands and staring into the top of the cup. "I just ... I just wanted more time before..."

"Before what?"

"Before you both realised what I'd done and wanted nothing more to do with me."

"We still don't know what you did," Shawna pointed out.

"When ... I settled for your father, you realise. And he settled for me, too. He wanted Alice. Everyone wanted Alice."

"Marcus' mum?"

Her mother nodded.

"And you ... Richard Travers?"

"You don't need to make it sound so horrible. He was ... There was something about him, then."

"Like what? He's a self-interested prick that'd beat his own son. Does he know about Lotty?"

"He does. He wasn't like that back then. Or maybe he was and I just didn't see it. But ... I was always last, you see. Steph had her choice of any of the guys. They'd always come looking for her. The shy ones would talk to Alice, the ones that thought they weren't good enough for Steph. And I got to sweep up anyone who thought the best way to be in pole position was to be nearby when it all went to hell.

"Your dad never looked at Steph at all. That's what caught me at first. He paid attention to me, talked to me. It didn't occur to me someone might come for Alice, might use me the same way everyone else used her to get near to Steph.

"And then Rich got in with Alice, and something seemed to change. He came out of nowhere, joined in the middle of the year and then ... Alice liked him, which was unusual. She didn't really seem to like anyone.

"He was very old fashioned. Used to pull out her chair. Carry her books for her. That sort of thing. Everyone else laughed at him, but he kept it up and it worked on her. She loved it, and then when your Dad saw that it was working he started it with me. I was hooked.

"Someone was treating me like I was special.

"That's when I realised he liked Alice, I think, deep down. And I hated her for it. She already had Rich, and she was trying to take your Dad, too."

"Surely that was him, though?"

"I didn't say it made sense," she admitted, drinking down her tea in one long swig. "We stayed like that through the rest of the year, and the rest of our last year. The more I tried to attract your dad the more he seemed to gravitate towards Alice ... and then Rich started paying attention to me.

"University was more of the same. We all went together. Alice and Rich got married. Steph and I were bridesmaids. And then your dad and I got married, too."

"Why? I mean if you were both looking for someone else..."

"Because 'someone else' wasn't looking for us."

"Except that Richard Travers was?"

"He was ... Once they got married he just seemed to start ignoring Alice, and then ... You know when a guy's looking at you. I pretended like it wasn't happening, but then I fell pregnant with you not long after Alice fell pregnant with Marcus. He wouldn't look at either of us for the whole time.

"Then you were born, and things changed again. Alice seemed to fold in on herself. She just shut the world out. That's when Nick came back from Germany, and..."

"Germany?" Shawna interrupted. "What was he in Germany for?"

"Nick joined the army out of school. Didn't bother with university. When he waltzed back in Steph just melted for him. All the guys around us were students, and here was this guy that had been out in the world. Had grown up and done something. We were both married to boys in men's bodies, and Steph had kept herself."

"I wish I'd done that," Shawna admitted.

"Well, you've not made any promises yet, you can..."

"No, Mum. Not with Marcus. I wish I'd waited for Marcus ... or realised it earlier, perhaps."

"Well ... just ... Just be really, really sure."

"I will. I am. Now, you were saying?"

"Right."

She fiddled with her cup for a moment, before looking around the kitchen. Eventually she looked at Shawna who just shrugged.

"You've started. It's not going to get any easier to tell anyone later."

"I know. Your dad doted on you. With Alice not coming out, and us having children so we couldn't go out, he actually turned into a proper dad. Went out to work. Got a promotion. And when he came home he'd play with you. Try and teach you to walk and speak."

"He ignored you?"

"I ... I wasn't here, much. He'd come home. I'd leave you with him and 'try and help Alice'."

"By which you mean help yourself to Richard Travers," Shawna said.

Her mother nodded.

"I knew that's what I was doing, really. He was ... It seemed so unfair that Alice was ignoring him. I had your dad although I was ignoring him, and he didn't seem to mind..."

"So what changed?"

"Your dad came home one night. Work had gone badly, and we had a row. He told me I wasn't the sort of wife he'd been expecting. He was right. The house was a mess. You were a mess.

"It wasn't an epiphany, or anything, I just decided to admit to myself that I'd made a mistake. Back then, of course, getting married was ... Well, people got divorced, but it was still frowned upon a little. And I didn't want to have to admit that I'd made a mistake in public. So I went for sympathy with Richard, and we found it in the bottom of a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"Oh, that's not a good mix — self-pity and alcohol."

"You worked that out earlier than I did."

"Or I got luckier than you," Shawna pointed out. "I've had my moments down on the beach inebriated, too."

"I came home reeking of booze and another man, and your father walked out. I didn't blame him — couldn't blame him, really. Alice knew, I don't know how. I don't know what happened between them, but next day they put their house on the market. She had a black eye and was limping, but they were moving away anyway.

"Alice wouldn't talk to me. Your dad was in a hotel. And a month later I realised I was pregnant."

"Is Lotty definitely Richard's daughter?"

"Oh yes. I tried to ... I called your Dad. Told him, but he wasn't stupid. We'd not slept together for months before that."

"So, they moved away, and Dad moved away, and you were here all on your own, with two children?"

"Your dad sent money, and Steph was always nearby. I'm still not sure Nick and Steph didn't move next door because of me."

"How come Nick and Steph didn't have any kids of their own?"

"I think they were waiting. Nick was building up his business to the point where it would support them both. Not long after they moved in next door Steph fell ill."

"And then Marcus came."

"Pretty much. Steph had only just started treatment when he got here."

"And then Nick and Steph didn't have any time for you any more."

"Well, they had other things on their plate."

"I know, I'm just ... I've been trying to work out what it was about Marcus that you didn't like. Obviously he reminds you of his dad, but ... he stole your friends away, too."

Her mother didn't answer, and Shawna stood up, clearing the cups off the table as she went. When she'd loaded the sink up, she turned back to find her mother still hunched over the table, staring intently at the grain of the wood. Brushing aside a strand of her mother's hair — shot through with a surprising amount of grey, she realised — Shawna kissed her cheek gently.

"Hope keeps telling me that people don't often go out to mess up or hurt each other. That we're all just doing the best we can with how we feel and who we are."

"She sounds wonderful."

"She is. I still love you, Mum. I don't always show it well. Lotty still loves you. She'll just need to calm down a bit."

She could tell as she left that her mother wasn't convinced, but it was the sort of thing only time could prove.

"Hey!"

Shawna slouched up behind her father, hands pushed deep into the pockets of her coat as she tried to shelter away from the wind and drizzle.

"Oh, you c-c-c-came." He smiled as he turned.

"I said I would."

"I know, but w-w-w-with the w-w-w-weather, I w-w-w-wouldn't have blamed you if you'd cried off."

"No, I came," she said, standing tall and beaming a smile. "If you wanted to whisk me off somewhere warmer and drier, of course, I wouldn't argue."

"Of c-c-c-course. Did ... No Charlotte?"

"No," Shawna answered, sagging a little. "I did invite her, but ... she's still trying to get her head around it."

"How is she?"

"I don't know. She's not really talking to us at the moment."

"I'm s-s-s-sorry, I didn't mean..."

"I know," Shawna said interrupting him, laying a hand on his arm. "That's entirely on my mother's plate. Come on. Find me a café and we can talk."

"Are your f-f-f-friends going to j-j-join us?" he asked, pointing up to the crest of the hill where Hope and Marcus waited again.

"Maybe later," Shawna said, managing a slight grin, wondering how she was going to broach that particular topic.

"When I spoke with your mother to arrange this she said you'd be going back to Glasgow next week?"

"That's right," Shawna said as they passed out the main gates of the park towards the main street and the prospect of a café.

"Starbucks?" he suggested, and she nodded, taking his arm in hers. That brought a smile to his face, and he seemed to relax a little. "It's just that Pam — that's your stepmother — Pam and I wondered if you'd like to come to dinner one evening?"

"Really?"

Shawna's smile lit up her face as they stepped in, dropping their hoods as they got out of the rain.

"Yes, really. It'll just be home-cooked, nothing fancy..."

He cut off as Shawna giggled. She waved away his curious glance and led him to the counter before she spoke.

"Sorry. There's an old couple sat in a booth by the door who gave you such a filthy look."

"R-r-r-r-really?"

"They probably just saw some old guy with a teenager on his arm talking about dinner..."

"Old guy?" he said laughing.

"Sorry. Hope's always picking me up for things like that."

"And Hope is?"

He picked up their drinks and nodded towards a free table near the back.

"Ah..." Shawna gnawed at her lip as she sat down. "I was planning to leave this until a little later ... Hope's my girlfriend."

"Oh. OH!" He seemed to pause, halfway to his seat, then shrugged and sat down the rest of the way. "What's she like?"

"Well, you met her yesterday."

"I did? You mean the short girl? Asian looking?"

"That's her," Shawna nodded.

"Pretty," he observed, but there was a slight frown on his face.