Chapter 80

"So, how's Marcus?"

Shawna stopped halfway through the living room and turned towards the couch.

"Sorry, Mum, I didn't know you were there."

"I guessed," she said, sitting up and turning to look over the back of the couch. "Are you busy?"

"Not really. Marcus is taking Hope to the castle, but I've seen that before. I thought I might catch up on some reading."

"Well... Would you come sit with me, for a while?"

"What's wrong?"

Shawna came around the sofa with a look of concern.

"Does something have to be wrong for me to want to talk to you?"

"Normally, yes," Shawna admitted, frankly, crossing her arms.

"Look, I'm not sure anything's wrong, I just... I want to know what's going on. With you and Marcus, and Hope, I mean."

Shawna stared for a moment, caught by the slightly pleading tone of the request. Her mother was only a year or so older than Nick, but where his face showed aging from the working outdoors, her mother just looked worn.

Time had not been kind, and it was with more than a touch of guilt that Shawna settled beside her thinking that she hadn't always helped that.

"What did you want to know?"

"What's... Is she... I mean..."

"Mum," Shawna reached out and took her hands, squeezing them gently. "It's the three of us. I don't put Marcus above Hope, or vice versa. They're the same. It's... We don't have a word for it, really. Think of it as she's my girlfriend, he's my boyfriend, and they have each other too — but it's not just three two-person relationships."

"There are more of you?"

"No, not that. I mean... Hope and I, by ourselves... We tried that before Christmas and it didn't work. But with Marcus there it does."

She gnawed on her lip a little under her mother's watchful gaze.

"What about you and Marcus? Was that working? Or is that why you had to invite Hope?"

"I don't know," Shawna whispered, drawing her knees up against her chest as she hugged herself on the couch. "I mean, it felt good, but... there was something missing. I don't know if it was... I don't know what it was, but Hope filled it."

"Emotional connection?"

"What?"

"Marcus isn't normal." She had to hold up a hand to ward off Shawna's objection. "He isn't. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he's not normal. That can't be easy to deal with, emotionally."

"He's wonderful."

"I know I didn't react well to him at Christmas, but I've thought about this, you know. He's... He means well, but does he really understand how you feel? Can he sympathise and empathise when you need it?"

"He doesn't have to," Shawna said, realising the truth as she said it. "That's what Hope's for. Marcus is... Marcus doesn't judge. Ever. Even Hope, sometimes, disapproves. Marcus doesn't, ever."

"That's not really healthy, either."

"Why?"

"Shawna, you've got things you need to deal with. If Hope and Marcus are both supposed to be equal parts of this, how is it going to work if Marcus gets to gee you up all the time, and Hope gets to rein you in and bring you down."

"It's not like that!"

"That's..."

Shawna watched as her mother visibly paused, thinking about what she was saying.

"I don't know. I'm only working off what you're saying here, but that's how it sounds."

"They're different people. They fulfil different roles for me."

"So what happens if one of those roles isn't needed, suddenly?"

"I didn't choose them because of those roles. It... Well, it just sort of happened. I didn't really choose anyone at all, but that's not the point."

"So what is the point?"

"It's difficult to explain." Shawna flopped back on the sofa, her frustration rising. "Why do I have to explain, anyway?"

"I just want to understand what you're thinking. I don't want you to make a mistake and..."

"Why is it a mistake? Why does it have to be a mistake just because I'm doing it?"

"It's not that it's you, Shawna. It's that it's different. People don't do that sort of thing."

"But I do?" Shawna stormed to her feet. "Sorry to disappoint you! Again!" Punctuating her departure with a slammed door, she jerked her coat from the hook by the door, ripping the material as she did.

"FUCK IT!" She hurled the coat at the door, catching herself in the face with the zip as she whipped it around. The pain was minor, and probably wouldn't even mark, but it was enough to tip her over an unseen line. Sliding down the wall, clutching the torn coat to her cheek, she began to weep.

"Is she... Has..."

"I'm sorry, Dorothy. She's still crying," Nick said, quietly, moving past her towards the kettle. "Are you alright?"

"I don't know what I said. We were talking about this situation with... that is..." She trailed off, and Nick turned to see what the problem was.

"Marcus and Hope?"

"You know?"

"We were there, Ally and I."

"What happened?"

Nick seemed to consider the question for a moment, and turned away to finish the drinks before coming to join her at the table.

"So far as I can tell, they'd all been feeling something for each other for a while. Things got emotional one evening, and... things happened."

It was a condensed version, but he wasn't sure the detail would be helpful.

"Can he do that? Marcus, I mean. Get emotional. I thought... I don't know what I thought. He always seems so placid."

"Marcus? He can get as angry and as loving as anyone else," Nick assured her. "He doesn't always recognise it in other people, and he's not always sure how to express it in himself. When that happens he tends to sort of 'freeze' and not do anything. I can see how that'd look like not feeling anything.

"It's all there, inside, if you can reach it.

"Shawna can reach it. So can Hope."

"You're alright with this?"

"I worry, sure. I worry about him just going all the way to Glasgow for university in the first place. On the other hand, part of him going was supposed to be about this sort of thing — finding himself a place in the world, learning to have friends on his own without us there as a daily support."

"What if it doesn't work?"

"Then, like ninety-nine percent of the rest of the world, he'll have to deal with breaking up with someone, getting over it, and getting on with his life." Nick paused to sip at his cup. "What's this all about, Dorothy?"

"What do you mean?"

"Shawna was running about with all sorts of guys last year, and the year before. She'd be out late, drinking... You didn't show this sort of concern."

"I was worried!"

"But not like this. I know you care. I'm not saying you don't," he assured her, as she started to pull herself upright in the chair. "All I'm saying is that this situation has you more worried than that, and I'm curious as to why?"