Chapter 65

"You don't have to go," Shawna almost whined, grasping Hope's wrist as she tried to grab the bag again. The smaller girl twisted neatly, breaking Shawna's weak grip, and resumed packing.

"I do... You know I do. This... with the gratitude and everything... I owe you guys, and I don't want to cross any lines that I can't go back on. I want to be out by the time Marcus gets back from the station."

"Hope."

"NO, DAMN IT, SHAWNA," Hope screamed at her, and that caught her attention as the diminutive girl just settled onto the bed. "Damn, damn, damn... I didn't want to get emotional about this."

"It's been that sort of a week," Shawna said, sagging to the floor. She made a point of sitting in the middle of the doorway, but she gave Hope a little space. She didn't understand the unsettled feeling she'd gotten when Hope said she was leaving, but it abated as Hope halted her preparations.

"Please, Shawna, don't make me explain all this. I just want to go; no harm, no foul."

"Talk to me. We've not hidden things before. We've been friends, band-mates, housemates. We were closer than that once. What is there that you can't tell me?"

"I'd do all those things again, Shawna — each and every one of them, and love it, but I can't stay here. I don't know how he did it. He's stronger than I am."

"Marcus? Did what?"

Hope's guilty expression spoke volumes, and Shawna swallowed hard as she tried to figure out exactly what it was she felt at the prospect of Hope and Marcus together.

"I thought you were over that."

"So did I."

"So why is it a problem now... ?"

"I could just wrap myself around him, you know, and never let go. He's... He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. God, he makes me think!"

"You don't have to convince me."

"But... I can't be around him any more. I don't trust myself with him."

"I trust him." Shawna told her bluntly.

"You should," Hope cried, turning away. "This morning, he... I... I could see it in his eyes. He almost thought about it — for a second. But he turned me down, flat. It hurt, Shawna, and I'll keep seeing that as long as I'm here."

"Hope... This has happened before. When you started the band, when you first moved in. No-one said anything, and we dealt with it and moved on. We've gotten through it. Look, all this shit with Connor, you're... confused. Hell, I'm confused. I know Marcus is.

"Stay, please. We can sort this out."

Hope stood and strode towards the door, but Shawna grabbed her waist, and they tumbled to the floor with Shawna easily straddling the smaller woman.

"What's this about, Hope? You don't run from these things." Shawna swallowed, looking down at the big-eyed face between her thighs. The last thing Hope needed was to think she was trying to start them up again. And she would in a second, Shawna knew. Marcus was incredible, but there was that tingle, always that little girl tingle in the back of her head. She had struggled with it, tried to control it, tried to push it down, tried to forget the dreams, but they were always there, especially when Marcus wasn't. She'd spoken to him of it, but she wasn't sure that he really understood.

"Now I do. I can't..." Hope struggled half-heartedly, pushing at Shawna's hands. "Oh, I'm such a bitch..."

Shawna didn't relent. She pushed the slaps aside, and pinned Hope's arms to the floor. Hope wriggled and struggled, and finally she gave up, sobbing quietly and just letting herself be held, knowing she couldn't get away.

"Don't make me tell you," she whispered, finally. "You're going to hate me enough for leaving. Please don't make me make you hate me for this."

"Hope, that's not going to happen. Hate? Nothing's going to come between us that much."

"Not even Marcus?"

"Marcus has always been between us," Shawna admitted, candidly. "I've never hated you before."

"I moved in here thinking I could take your place," she said, swallowing hard, bracing herself for a slap. It hadn't been the reason she had moved in, hadn't even been a hope, but she had acknowledged the possibility, understood that it could happen.

"I know." Shawna relaxed a little as Hope's fight seemed to got out of her with the admission.

"I... You do?"

"Yeah... God, Hope... I just... it was like..." she babbled, before taking a breath to calm herself, trying to ignore the position she was in. "It was like a test. It was so intense. I needed to know I wasn't being an idiot, that he wasn't just still wrapped in his princess delusions. I knew what you wanted. I knew he liked you. I was... A little bit of me was looking for a way out, an excuse, a reason for him to leave me, like they always do, without it being because I wasn't good enough.

"And a little bit of me wanted him to find someone that deserved him, too."

"I... I just hoped you'd go away, to have him for myself," Hope explained, covering her face with her hands, wiping tears away and covering her shame. "I didn't plan anything, or... I didn't want to do anything, I just wanted to be ready if anything happened."

"Then it's settled, and you're staying," Shawna said, getting off her, knowing she was almost dripping, unable to get the image of her sitting astride Hope's chest out of her head. "Look for other guys — or girls — if you want, but stay. It'll push me to keep him happy, and we both know he deserves that." Hope looked up, unable to understand the logic in Shawna's words; if their places were reversed she'd be packing Shawna's bag.

"I... I can't stay any more, Sho. I don't want to try and take your place."

"I don't think he'll go, but..."

"It isn't him... I can't... I don't want to hurt you, either." She looked up with tear-filled big brown eyes, and suddenly Shawna understood. Something deep in her head clicked, and she realised.

"Me?"

Hope just nodded.

"When?"

"I don't know... gradually, I suppose. I admitted it today, after... all that... watching you sleep. We've been friends. We've been... all those things you said, but I want what you and Marcus have, and Marcus isn't all of that. You're... You're like a light in a dark room. You bring out the life in him. It took me time to see that. I can get his humour to come out. I can get intellect. I can get... I could even get passion, I think, but that pure, unadulterated joy for life? Only you can reach that.

"You can get that out of me, too, and he can't. I realised that when we went out. Being with you made me do things I'd never do on my own, things I can't imagine doing with him even.

"But he makes you... softer, less afraid. You feel safe when he's around in a way you don't with anyone else. You wouldn't have fought me like that if he were here. I don't want you with the walls up, and I don't want him without that light. So I'm leaving before I damage it, and none of us has anything.

"Shawna, please... Let me go."

Shawna just sat, stunned, lost in the implications. Marcus was different around her, and she was different around Marcus. It was true, but that was love. This was... It made sense, she knew. Marcus would understand in an instant, and would agree with her entirely. She stood up, on the verge of crying herself, and nodded, stepping out into the hallway to let Hope pack.

It wouldn't be the same without Hope, of course. The humour was different. Everything was different. Hope challenged Marcus, moved him along. Shawna was smart, but she was people-smart and language smart. She and Marcus played at word games, but Hope made him actually think. She phrased things that made him see the world differently. It wouldn't be the same Marcus without Hope, and Shawna realised she was saddened by that.

And Hope also made Shawna different. Marcus needed Shawna's attention, needed her to work for him, and she did, and enjoyed it, but Hope demanded nothing. Shawna felt she needed to find the balance between how she viewed herself and what Marcus saw her as. Hope just saw her and accepted, and that acceptance was important. She needed to be accepted as who she was sometimes.

And that was the last piece of the puzzle. That was what had been missing.

She'd told Yvonne that she missed being with women, but that wasn't quite true. She didn't have a girl tingle, at all.

She had a Hope tingle.

"Hope."

Shawna stood naked at the doorway, and Hope looked up from the suitcase, freezing in place. Shawna's chestnut hair flowed down over her shoulders, framing the broad, high cheekbones, draping over her breasts and hanging onto the smooth stomach. Her legs were slightly crossed, one in front of the other, pressing her labia together, shaved bare still.

"Don't go."

"Shawna..." She quivered, trying to turn away, trying to force the image — all the images — out of her head.

"Don't go, Hope. I need you. Marcus needs you. Here."

Hope felt the long, slim hands on her shoulders, gently running down the front of her blouse to cup her small breasts, teasing the bullet-point nipples out of hiding through her thin bra.

"I need you, here."

One hand slipped up under the shirt long enough to unclasp her bra, then slipped around her ribs under the strap to cup her breast.

"Now," Shawna whispered in her ear.

Hope whimpered, trying to fight herself, trying to struggle away, but soft kisses brushed her neck. Tendrils of coppery hair dragged over her eyes, and she went limp, falling into the kiss, pressing herself in and surrendering to the feeling.