Chapter 61

"How is she?" Hope asked Marcus as he eased the bedroom door closed.

"Sleeping." He rested his head against the wood of the door for a moment.

"How are you?"

"Me?" He turned to face her, surprised by the question. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not." She stepped away from the sofa beckoning for him to follow her to the garden.

"I'm fine, really," he assured her but followed her nonetheless.

"You're angry," she told him, once they'd emerged into the damp air. The recent rain prevented them from sitting on the grass, so they leant side-by-side against the wall. "I can understand you being angry. She hid things from you, but..."

"I'm not angry with Shawna," Marcus interrupted. "I'm angry with... too many people, I guess. Mark Williams, Connor MacNamara.

They're top of the list at the moment."

"Well, you need to get over it. Shawna needs you. When she wakes up she's going to need to know that you don't think badly of her."

"She knows that already."

"But she's going to need reassuring." She saw him frown, and cut off his question before it started. "She'll be feeling low, right now. She's just come out and admitted some of the things she feels guilty about in her life, and she's been taught not to have that high an opinion of herself. We need to have a high opinion of her, and she needs to know that."

"I'll tell her."

"Show her, Marcus. And you need to work this anger out, too. She's picking up on your tension, and it worries her."

"Why would it worry her? It's not aimed at her. I told her that."

"And because she doesn't always have a high opinion of herself, she assumes you're lying to try and make her feel better."

"I don't lie to Shawna."

"Did you talk to her about what your Dad said?"

"Not yet."

"A lie of omission is still a lie."

"I'm not lying. It's just not a good time yet," Marcus told her, on the verge of tears.

"You're worried about it, aren't you?" Hope realised, stepping a little closer.

"I have to talk to her about it, but..."

"But what?"

"But what if he's right? I'd rather find out later than now."

"Marcus, it's not a foregone conclusion, you know. I don't think he's right, I don't think she's going to leave you for m... for someone else."

"I do."

"Why? Why would you think that? What has she done to make you think that?"

"Nothing."

"Then I don't understand."

"Because I would. If I had to choose between me and you, I'd choose you. THEM, I'd choose them."

"Of course you would, but you're a guy."

"Even if I weren't... She doesn't need to be lumbered with me for the rest of her life. I can't take her out places. I can't have kids. I won't be able to get a job, I..." He cut off as Hope placed her hand over his mouth.

"Shawna isn't the only one with too low an opinion of themself sometimes, you know."

"I have strengths," he countered, "but they aren't in those areas."

"Maybe that's why Shawna likes you. She's already strong in the social areas. She doesn't need that sort of superficial reinforcement. She needs someone she can trust, someone she can believe in. You told me you like Shawna because you felt comfortable around her."

"Right."

"Well, all those social things she likes, she's acting. Pretty much everyone is. We go out into the world and we put on a face for the world to see. You don't. You're always you, no pretense, no deception. That's one of the reasons you sometimes struggle. Maybe that's what she needs when she gets home. Maybe she's happy just to have that."

"I don't know," he said and shrugged, turning to watch the little wooden duck atop the shed spin its wings in the wind. "How do you just let go of anger?"

"Forgiveness is the easiest way, I find," she told him quietly after a moment's thought. "Prayer. Church."

"Forgiveness? I can't forgive what Connor did. Nor Mark Williams."

"I have. Connor, I mean."

"How? How can you just... after what he tried to do to you?"

"Why did he do it? Is he that lonely, that desperately sad, that he feels he needs to do that?"

"No, he can click his fingers and Yvonne's there for him. He doesn't do it because it's his only option. He does it because he enjoys it."

"Maybe. I can't believe deep down that he gets the same sort of satisfaction from it that you and Shawna get, or Tony and Lorraine."

"That's... That's not enough of an excuse for me to forgive. Those aren't rights to which he's entitled. They're rewards for being true to someone, for... for not being a self-interested cock."

"Well, what's your suggestion for getting rid of this anger, then?"

"I just can't get past the idea of going round there and hamstringing him or something, something permanent. Shawna has to live with this for the rest of her life. You nearly did, and all he's got is a caution for affray that comes off his record in three years, the same as mine does."

"Violence just begets violence, Marcus. If you hurt him, he'll heal and then come after you again. Or worse, after someone you care about."

"Not if you do it properly," he muttered, thinking of several ways that he could.

"Perhaps." Hope shrugged. "He doesn't have to come after you physically. Imagine him sending letters to Shawna for the rest of her life, reminding her of what he did..."

"I can't believe you can just forgive him like that."

"Maybe it'd be different if he'd actually succeeded with me," she conceded. "I don't know."

"Well, how do you feel about Yvonne? She raped you."

"No she didn't." Hope tried to laugh it off, but Marcus was obviously serious.

"She drugged you, and then coerced you into something while you weren't capable of rationally objecting."

"She was drugged too, Marcus."

"Extenuating circumstances, perhaps, but that doesn't change what happened."

"It's not like she forced me..."

"She didn't have to. She drugged you into compliance."

"It wasn't like that."

"Then what was it like?" Marcus turned on her, his voice rising a little. "What have I got wrong in that?"

"She's... People have hurt her, Marcus, deeply hurt her."

"Not deeply enough."

"That's a horrible thing to say."

"She's getting away with exactly the same things as Connor did."

"And yet you aren't threatening to go round and beat her up..." Despite herself, Hope knew she sounded vaguely disappointed, although Marcus didn't notice.

"I... She's a girl. I couldn't."

"So, then, you're letting her get away with it, too."

"No, I asked Corrine and Lorraine to do it, but they both said no. I figured if I taught you well enough you could do it yourself."

"You asked..." Hope stopped, trying to sort the rush of different emotions she felt. She felt slightly ashamed of the affection she felt for him for doing it, and disgusted at the idea, and strangely protective of Yvonne, and they all collided and gave way to a strained giggle. "I can... I'm sorry, I know you were serious, but... I've just got this image of the three of us as Charlie's Angels with you sending us out to right wrongs..."

"This isn't funny, Hope."

She stopped laughing quickly, but by then he was stalking away towards the gate, and she knew from the way he walked that it wouldn't be worth following him just yet.

"Have you forgiven me yet?" Hope leant over the back of the sofa with a conciliatory look on her face.

"Yes," Marcus replied with a faint smile. "Shawna had pretty much the same reaction you did when I told her about your Charlie's Angels idea."

"I didn't mean to laugh at you, it was just... It was a shock to think you would do that."

"Why?" he asked, turning to look at her. "It was a shock to think that you wouldn't."

"I don't believe in using violence, Marcus. You have to reason with people."

"Some people don't listen to reason."

Shawna came in, shaking water out of her hair, and was quickly followed by Tony, Briana, Lorraine and Elspeth.

"Are you still angry?" Hope asked, as Marcus stood to move to the kitchen.

"It doesn't just go away. I told her it wasn't her though."

"Tea, anyone?" Hope asked the crowd as they shucked off their coats, and was met with a chorus of approval.

"I can't do anything about Mark Williams anyway," Marcus said as Hope entered the kitchen.

"Oh?"

"Apparently he got drunk and wrapped his car around a tree not long before Christmas."

"He's dead? How does Shawna feel about it?"

"Relieved, I should think." Marcus stopped, staring at the kettle. "Why... What..."

"Marcus, whatever else happened, she spent a lot of time with him, shared some important parts of her life with him. That sort of thing isn't just thrown away easily."

"But, you heard her last night. He was..."

"He was important to her. All the rest was true as well, but he was a big part of her life, and he's dead."

"That doesn't make any sense at all."

"Like you and your Dad do?" Hope pulled his arm, turning him away from the counter to face her. "He beat you. He hurt you, and, if Nick's right, he hurried your mother into her grave. Certainly took her away from you. And yet you make time for him, you talk to him..."

"That's..."

"Different?" Hope asked. "Is it really?"

They paused for a moment when he didn't answer immediately, and Hope pushed him gently out of the way as she finished rinsing out the teapot and preparing cups. By the time they returned to the sitting area the chairs had all been moved aside and the instruments were in place.

"Tea and biscuits," Elspeth announced with a chuckle, "the very essence of rock and roll hedonism."

"Are Aiden and Corrine still coming?" Hope asked, looking at her watch after putting the tray down on the table.

"They said they were this morning," Shawna assured her, sitting on the edge of the table. "They were supposed to be trying to borrow a drum kit this morning."

"That'll probably be them now," Tony said, cocking his head at the sound of feet on the steps outside. Hope was already at the door when the knock came, but when she opened it up it wasn't Aiden and Corrine.

"Yvonne!"

"I... uh..." Yvonne muttered, as Hope stepped out of her way to let her in. "I heard there was an audition." She held up a large guitar case.

"We already have a guitarist." Marcus pointed out. Hope gave him a look that he knew was significant without being able to ascertain why. Shawna rubbed his shoulder.

"No-one's going to replace you," she whispered.

"We don't have a bass player," Hope pointed out, sizing up the case. "I didn't know you played."

"Well, it's been a while," Yvonne admitted, staring at the floor under her feet, uncomfortable in the silence that followed.

"You need to plug in?" Lorraine asked, stepping out the way of Marcus' amplifier. "Tune up before you start?"

"Thanks," Yvonne managed to whisper, keeping her head down as she crossed the room.

"Wow, full house!" Aiden and Corrine poked their heads in the door, smiling broadly. "Any chance of some help with this kit?"

"Marcus and Tony will help," Shawna declared, shoving them both towards the door. They went, and Hope and Shawna quickly closed in on Yvonne.

"Are you alright?" Hope asked, as Lorraine hovered nearby, keeping an eye out down the steps for signs of the others returning.

"I'm fine," Yvonne assured them, with a slight smile. "It's just... You guys have something going here, and I wasn't sure I'd be welcome."

"How did you know we were having an audition?" Shawna asked.

"Elspeth was talking about it to someone in a 'Renaissance Artists' lecture on Wednesday. I... I should have asked..."

"Well, we didn't advertise," Shawna smiled gently, "but we could use a bass player."

"Just put them over there for now," Lorraine called loudly, pointing towards the kitchen door, giving them the warning they needed.

"I don't think Marcus wants me here," Yvonne said. "I don't want to cause any trouble.

"This band's been trouble since I suggested it," Hope observed, with a grin. "Marcus will get over it. If he starts to give you trouble, just call him Charlie."

Shawna and Hope were still giggling when the door was closed on the last of the drums, and they started to put it together.

"That went surprisingly well," Hope said as she pushed the door closed and turned to lean on it.

"I'm knackered," Shawna declared as she slumped down into her seat, staring up at the ceiling. "How long did that take?"

"About five hours."

"'Purple People Eater' went well."

Despite herself, Hope grinned, and moved to the sofa to seat herself beside Shawna.

"He was so earnest about teaching us important lessons, wasn't he?"

"It was so 'him, ' though. Not subtle, but... You can't take it badly. Even if I did have to sing bloody show tunes. He knows I hate 'Evita'"

"I know what you mean. It's like... It's so obvious to him that he can't believe you can't see it."

"He might actually have a point," Shawna conceded. "I mean... I actually quite like 'War of the Worlds'. I just... I don't normally sing it."

"It was good," Hope said. "'Can't Fight the Moonlight' was better, don't get me wrong, but... It was good."

"Well," Shawna grinned, "'Purple People Eater' was probably your best."

"Oh, piss off."

Hope swung a cushion at her with a giggle as Marcus crossed the room, headed for the door.

"You off somewhere, honey?" Shawna asked looking up.

"I need a walk before my Dad gets here," he said.

"You could put him off. Tell him it's not a good day."

"I'll be fine once I've had some fresh air."

"Did you want some company?" Hope asked, sharing a look with Shawna who nodded her agreement.

"That's..." he started to decline, then noticed that the pair of them were sitting forward on their chairs. He realised they weren't just offering. They actually wanted to come. "That'd be good, thanks."

"OK, give us a minute to grab some shoes."

Shawna dashed off. Marcus looked at Hope questioningly, and she lifted her feet to show him she already had her shoes on.

"What made you change your mind?" she asked.

"Excuse me?"

"You were going to say no, at first, when we asked if you wanted company."

"I... You just both looked like you wanted to go. You weren't just being polite."

"Good spot."

Shawna returned, one shoe on and hopping as she tried to slip the other foot into place. Marcus held her coat for her. Hope shrugged her own jacket on, and they emerged from the door to find his father approaching the bottom of the steps.

"Dad?"

"I know I'm early," he shrugged apologetically. "You never can trust that M8 traffic."