Chapter 5

The bike pulled into the hospital car-park smoothly, Briana somewhat surprised that she wasn't more scared at the ride. If it had been Tony, she knew, she'd have converted to a religion and started praying before they left the end of the road, such was his aggression, but Marcus was cautious, controlled and calm, getting them there in plenty of time.

She shook her hair out as she got off the bike, and handed the helmet back, letting Marcus put it away in the compartment beneath the seat.

"I'll see you here when you finish, yeah?" he said, pulling a crossword book out from the compartment.

"Um... Look, I know we said you were going to wait out here, but... could you come with me?"

"Sure... look, I can go and get Tony, if you'd prefer, or one of the girls?"

"No! None of the girls... and not Tony, definitely not Tony."

"He knows, doesn't he?"

"It's a bit hard not to... I was bald, Marcus, and throwing up for two days at a time every fortnight. He was great, but... I can't explain it easily."

"That's OK, you don't have to. I'll come."

They sat silently in the waiting room, she just tense and nervous until he put his arm hesitantly around her, and she settled a little — not much — for a few minutes. Time dragged on, though, and hesitantly and slowly she began to explain what had happened between her and Elspeth until she was cut off when her name was called.

"Oh..." She whimpered.

"Go on." He nudged her, and she grabbed his hand as she stood.

"Come on."

"What?"

"Come on!" he let himself be pulled up. "I can't do this on my own."

"It's... I..." he tried to think of a reason not to go, but by then they were already through the door.

"Miss Richardson, have a seat." Bri sat, her hand clamped around Marcus', not letting him go, and he was forced to take a seat alongside her as the doctor reviewed her notes. They passed a few pleasantries, discussing how she was feeling, whether she'd seen any problem signs, and then she asked her to go behind the screen and remove her shirt.

Marcus released her hand, but she clamped tightly.

"Bri..."

"Marcus," there were tears in her eyes. "I'm scared, Marcus..."

"I'll be here." He told her, wondering exactly how he was going to manage it.

"Boyfriend?" the Doctor asked, with a gentle smile creasing her face.

"Family." Marcus explained. "Indirect family..."

"And a friend." Bri told him, taking a shuddering breath, steeling herself. She stepped behind the screen and he turned away, keeping a hold of her hand as he heard her gently weeping while the doctor went about her business.

"He's not turning away because you're ugly, you know." The Doctor said, as she finished. "He's trying to give you some privacy and still be here for you."

"I know." Bria told her. "There aren't many guys that good."

"More than you'd think." The Doctor told her. "It's surprising, but cancer brings out the best in the most amazing range of people." Marcus felt her tense just at the mention of the word. "Well, everything looks fine here... why don't you pop your shirt on, and I'll be back in a minute."

She disappeared out of the door, and Marcus tried to take his hand back.

"Are you alright?" he asked, after a second, when she wouldn't let go of his hand.

"Is it always going to be like this?" she asked.

"Like what?"

"Look..."

"I don't think I should."

"Marcus, please..." He turned, blushing before he'd ever gotten there, wondering why he seemed to spend half his life embarrassed about one thing or another.

"I must be just about the first woman in history to say this," she managed a smile through the tears, "I'm up here, you're supposed to be looking down there." Reluctantly, he looked down over the screen, eyes drawn immediately to the flat side of her chest, and the pink, slightly puckered scar that ran across it, just below an odd looking jutting nipple. He looked up, face solemn and serious.

"Right... is what came between you and Elspeth?"

"If she'd... she would have freaked."

"Perhaps," he agreed, "but I didn't. The only difference is that I knew in advance." She reached over and started to pull on her clothes, whilst Marcus turned around again.

"Marcus... I'm a woman, that's... half of what makes me a woman is gone."

"You came to terms with that a long time ago. That's not what's between you and Elspeth" He told her, without turning.

"It isn't..." She sounded surprised.

"This is just about fifty-four months since your therapy, from what the Doctor said, which means you've not been given the all-clear yet. You know Elspeth's a good enough person to come to terms with this, or you suspect it at least. Thank you, by the way, for assuming that I was too."

"So what do you think this is about, then?"

"You've set this five year target in your head, thinking that you aren't really cured until then. You came to university this year knowing that it was going to be this year, and so you were ready to meet someone at last, thinking you weren't signing them up to a death-sentence, and it all went a bit quicker than you expected."

"How... how the..."

"I'm just guessing." He confirmed, turning round now that the sound of clothing had stopped, and sure enough she was covered up again by the high-necked green wool jumper. "It really doesn't show." She hugged him tight, squeezing the air out of him, and he grunted as the Doctor came back to organise another — a final, they both hoped — appointment.

"Bri!" Elspeth started, looking around.

"Hi." Briana opened the door, letting Elspeth hobble in, as Marcus turned away.

"Where are you going?" Elspeth asked.

"I have an appointment at the library." He explained, quietly.

"But... I thought..."

"You cancelled, remember."

"But then you called..."

"I didn't say on whose behalf, did I?"

"Please..." Briana whispered, "there are some things I need to say to you."

"Al... alright." Elspeth managed, and the door closed as Marcus left with a wave.

"Did you want something to drink?" Briana asked, nervous, wiping her hands on the front of her trousers.

"No, I'm fine. Uh... thanks..."

"Last week..."

"I'm sorry about that, I don't..." Elspeth began, but Briana cut her off.

"You didn't do anything wrong. It was... it was good." She managed a smile. "Unexpected, but certainly not unwanted."

"So... um..."

"Why did I run away like you'd threatened to shoot me?"

"I wasn't going to phrase it quite like that."

"I know... I was scared."

"Of me?"

"No, of... a reaction."

"You were getting a reaction, I promise you." Briana giggled, and they both started to relax a little.

"No, a specific reaction. You know I was at the hospital today."

"Yeah, you said this morning."

"Well... I was at the oncology department."

"Oncology, that's... cancer, isn't it?"

"Yeah. When I was fourteen... I had to... I needed..." the tears started again, and Elspeth leant forward to take her hand. "I had to have a mastectomy, in the end."

"Oh my god!" Elspeth breathed, and Briana actually flinched, which just made them both feel worse. "Is it... are you..."

"Not yet... one more check-up to go."

"You thought I might freak..."

"That was part of it... not all of it, but part of it."

"You could have spoken to me about this, you know... I'm not... I'm not that bad, am I?"

"NO!... I'm sorry it took this long. I didn't really work out the rest until today. Well, I didn't really work it out at all... Marcus did."

"What?"

"Look... they don't discharge you for five years after... when there's been no signs."

"I know, my aunt had a bone tumour. She didn't need... But she still had all the radiotherapy and stuff."

"Well... you sort of set that five year mark as the 'I'm cured' date... until then... it's just in the back of your head that you're on borrowed time. I didn't think I was ready yet to drop that on someone."

"But... the club... you... we..."

"I was just... getting to know people, I guess. Getting back into it. Tony thinks I've been dating for the last two years, but I've not been letting myself get close to anyone... I thought this would be a new start — university... it's been more of the same."

"Has it?" Elspeth leant forward, trying to kiss her again.

"El!" she pulled away.

"What? I know now... you said that was the problem."

"It was..."

"So now there isn't a problem. I know, I'll handle it."

"It's not that simple."

"My turn, no Marcus required." Elspeth sat up, grabbing both Briana's hands as she tried to pull away again. "I almost went out with a guy over this, I felt so bad about it. And that wasn't because of how you responded, it was because people expect things of me — my parents and... and... whoever... it doesn't matter who. We all have things we're afraid of, Bri. Some of them — yours — are more justified than others, but I've been afraid of even trying to get to know anyone.