Chapter 25

Shawna wasn't completely drunk — not like she had been before. It had been weeks since she'd had anything to drink, it was amazing how quickly the body forgot. The room was comfortably warm with the four of them squeezed into the little circle between the beds, the stack of bottles rattling gently whenever anyone went for another.

"So," she finally managed, turning back to the three expectant faces... "what were we talking about?"

"Breakups." Hope said, quietly. She didn't even sound drunk. Fair enough, she was on one bottle to each of Shawna's two, but she was tiny. She should be well on her way by now. Maybe it was because she was sad... "You were going to tell us about how you broke up with... what was his name..."

"Dave." Elspeth offered. She was well on her way. Elspeth drank about as often as Marcus did, and it was funny to see the way she slumped against Briana's shoulder every now and then. "No... hang on... Ian."

"Connor." Shawna felt the happiness drain out like water from a bath, a slow, twisting spiral downwards into her shoes. "Bastard..."

"Didn't go well?" Briana wondered, slurring slightly. Hope sat forward, suddenly bright-eyed and far more alert than she should have been, but Shawna was too far gone to notice.

"One-night stand, should never have happened." Shawna confirmed, slugging back another swig of the beer. "Then... then... he didn't even ask..." Hope felt tears brim up in her eyes as she heard it, saw them in Shawna's eyes too, and shuffled round to lean in on her shoulder. "I just couldn't get him off, you know. He... I pushed, and... he just laughed... and his friends just... oh God!" She ran, shakily, to the bathroom, and the sound of her emptying her stomach brought Elspeth out of her stupor. Hope got up to open the window, slinging the remaining bottles out in their bag to swing in the cold air outside.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Elspeth asked, when Shawna finally emerged, pulling her back down to the floor. "We knew something was wrong, why didn't you tell us?" She just shrugged, slumped down against the side of the bed staring off into space a little.

"He didn't even speak to me, you know... just sort of talked around me, like I didn't matter. Just... just a hole to fill, while he talked to the rest of them... there were five of them, one after the other... it was... what's Marcus going to think?"

"Is that what's bothering you?" Hope asked, quietly, almost whispering in her ear. "He'll know that it wasn't your fault, I'd think."

"But... what if... what if he thinks I'm used... Connor wasn't the first, he was just the latest... the last."

"What if, instead of worrying about it, you asked him?"

"Because he's got enough on his plate at the moment after last term... he doesn't..."

"You told him, didn't you, and then he went and did what he did... and you don't want to bring it up in case it sets him off again." Hope worked her way through it, figuring it out in her head as she went, and Shawna nodded, reluctantly. "Right... we'll be off home then." Hope pushed herself to her feet, dragging on Shawna's arm to get her upright, too.

"This is where I live." She pointed out, unsure why she was resisting.

"Who are you trying to kid?" Hope smiled, pointing at Briana as she helped Elspeth to her feet. "She lives here, you just pay her rent for her and vice versa... come on." Briana grabbed up Shawna's coat — at the second attempt — and passed it across as Elspeth wrapped her arms around Shawna.

"You should have said, we might have been able to help." She pointed out, feeling a lot more sober than her balance would indicate.

"Help what?"

"I don't know." She admitted. "Just help..."

"That was a set-up, wasn't it?" Shawna managed, finally, as they turned the corner at the end of the road. The stairs had been interesting, but the fresh — cold — air had brought her to her senses a little. Hope considered lying, briefly, but decided against it.

"Absolutely."

"Why?"

"Because we thought we knew, but we needed to be sure."

"Who's we?"

"Alright, I thought I knew."

"Sure about what?"

"Connor. What happened. Why you're keeping Marcus on hold."

"It's..."

"It's OK. I can't imagine a better reason for being hesitant... I... I can't even begin to understand how you feel right now."

"Me neither." Shawna admitted, after a few seconds thought. "I'm not sure I'm feeling anything about... that... it's all sort of numb."

"So... Marcus?"

"He's been great..."

"You aren't just leaning on him this time, are you?" It wasn't exactly a question, and Shawna was grateful for that as she shook her head.

"No... I saw things in him I'd not seen before."

"And... are you feeling numb about him?"

"No." she replied, indignantly, then paused. "Yes... maybe. Not numb, but... I can't... it just comes back. It's all the same thing, in my head. I know it isn't really, but it just all jumbles together." All Hope could offer was a shrug. "I want to do something, I want to give Marcus what he wants, but I can't keep everything out of my head when it happens."

"Have you talked to him about it?" Shawna shook her head slowly. "Why not?"

"He gets angry when he thinks about Connor. He thinks I should go to the police, thinks someone should do something about him."

"And you don't want him going out and doing it."

"Exactly."

"Have you thought about talking to anyone?"

"Who? I couldn't even tell you, you had to trick it out of me."

"I am sorry, I wish I hadn't had to."

"You think I should have just come out and told everyone?" Shawna snapped a little.

"No, I wish I'd been wrong." Hope explained, laying a hand on her arm. "Look, I'm not going through this like you are, I know, but I don't have a clue how to handle it, either... if I say the wrong thing, please don't think I'm criticising..."

"I know..." Shawna sighed, sinking her head down into the neck of her coat. "I keep getting defensive about it, and I shouldn't." Hope just shrugged again, and the pair of them pushed on through the snow, huddled down in their coats against he wind.

"Can I make one suggestion..." Hope finally managed, warily.