Chapter 19

"Nick..." Ally called, as they came back in, Marcus standing hesitantly in the door. "They're back..." Nick was there in a shot, pausing just as significantly in the door from the front room. Shawna let go of Marcus' hand, crossed the room and wrapped him up in a big hug.

"Shawna?" he wondered.

"Because he loves you, and he's afraid that he's let you down, and he's too stiff to come and do this himself." Ally just laughed, pulling out chairs and putting the kettle on to boil.

"You're good." She observed, as Shawna let go, and came back down to sit by Marcus.

"Thank you." Nick and Marcus just blushed, and took their own seats.

"Look... take your time, start at... wherever. Tell us what's going on?" Despite his fears, Marcus got pretty much the whole story out, haltingly at first, but flowing more and more as he settled into it.

"So... that doesn't explain why you were on the cliff, though." Nick finally managed, when the story had wound itself out. "You've told us everything about what happened, but... why?"

"I... Its... There's bits of it I don't want to say." He admitted.

"Whatever you've done, Marcus, we're not going to judge you for it. We're just glad you're OK."

"It's not what he's done that he's worried about." Shawna offered, quietly.

"Time for a break." Ally cut in, before they could go further. "Nick, Marcus, could you give us a few minutes, please."

"What?" Nick seemed just as confused as Marcus.

"Marcus could do with a break, being stuck in here for the last two hours talking." Shawna looked up, and he was looking drawn. He still wasn't really back in shape — he looked like he could use a good meal. "And there are some things I need to talk to Shawna about before we carry on." Nick looked like he was about to argue, but she cut him off. "They're both here, Nick, and they've both been through a lot. You're here for Marcus, and he knows it, but that makes it difficult for you to be here for Shawna, too. So I will... go on, we'll not be long."

Marcus shuffled out, wearily, and Nick finally sighed his acceptance, kissed Ally's forehead and went outside towards the shed. A few minutes later the sound of sawing cut across the gentle, slow melody of the guitar from upstairs.

"It's good to hear him playing again." Ally observed, as she picked up her cup, cradling it gently as she watched Shawna.

"It would be... that's 'Forever Autumn', it's one of his sad songs."

"Marcus says that Connor raped you." She froze, fighting against the surge in feelings.

"I know." She'd guessed as soon as Ally kicked them out that was what this was about.

"Did he?" That wasn't the question she'd expected.

"You don't believe him?"

"I know Marcus well enough to know that he can easily misinterpret what people say, and what they mean. I also know enough to know that no-one ever deals with these things quite as logically as those of us that haven't been through it think they should."

"I was drunk" She flushed at the lie, wondering why she started with that... what was she trying to hide? "I usually am at the parties. He hates that... Marcus, I mean.

He was drunk, too. I said no, but he didn't hear me over the crowd. I tried to push him away, but... it wasn't an easy position to push from... I don't know how obvious I was..."

"Sounds to me like you're trying to rationalise it away..."

"What do you mean?"

"No-one wants to be a victim, Shawna. So if you can make it your fault..."

"Then it's my mistake, not someone else's... forcing." Ally just nodded. "That's like... Marcus thinks he contributed to Stephanie's death... all the stress."

"I know, but we aren't talking about Marcus, right now."

"I know, but... I..."

"You aren't ready to deal with it, fair enough. You're going to have to, you know, at some point, but not today..." Shawna nodded, gratefully. "For what it's worth... I think that constitutes rape..."

"But..."

"No. I do. You'll have to decide for yourself what you think, but I think Marcus was probably justified in that belief."

"That's not everything, though."

"He did it again?"

"No, No." she swallowed, building her courage up. "I've not been... restrained, this year."

"It's university, Shawna. Lots of people revel in their freedom. That's not an excuse for what he did."

"I'm not talking about Connor. I've... experimented, and I think Marcus knows about pretty much every single one of them. Christ, his flat-mate was one of them."

"Tony, yes, I know. And, before you get even more flustered, we know about Briana and Hope and Elspeth, too."

"I didn't know he knew about Hope and I."

"Oh, you and..." For the first time in the conversation Ally paused, a little unsure of herself. "I didn't know about that. I didn't go that way myself, but I know plenty of girls who experimented when I was university. I wasn't celibate myself."

"But he must have been thinking it would be his turn sometime..." tears started in her eyes, and she turned away to stare out the window.

"I don't think that's quite it. I'm sure he'll explain it to you, if you don't work it out for yourself."

"What?" Ally considered for a minute, and then decided not to explain.

"I think it's better that one come from him. I know it's not a conversation you're looking forward to, but you're going to have to have it, soon. Before... things go forward, would be best."

"I know. We've sort of covered that... sort of."

"Oh?"

"I've convinced him to take me out anyway."

"He told you all that 'blackmail' rubbish?"

"Sometimes he's incredibly thoughtful, and sometimes it's like he thinks I'm incapable of thinking for myself."

"I know what you mean."

"Is that... is that an Asperger's thing?"

"He told you about that?" She nodded. "Wow, I don't think he's ever told anyone that before. But no, I don't think it's an Asperger's thing. Nick still does it to me, sometimes. I'm not sure if it's a 'man' thing, or just something Marcus picked up from Nick. It's cute, in a way. They care."

"He thinks the world of Nick."

"He should. Nick's done an incredible job with him, from what he's told me. Of course, he's incredibly proud of what Marcus' has done, too. Neither of them would ever say a thing..."

"Of course." They shared a smile. Ally laid her hand over Shawna's comforting her for a moment. "You get yourself settled, and I'll make some lunch, then we'll carry on.

"So... start at the party, then." Ally said, this time with a pen and a pad at the ready. "What happened."

"I'd... I'd already decided what I was going to do." Marcus began, hesitantly. "I'd written the letter, I delivered it on the way. I just... I wanted to see her before I went." Shawna began crying, gently, leaning her head on his shoulder, and he looked down at the table as he continued.

"I got in, and... I didn't want to speak to her, she'd just... confuse me."

"Sounds like you were confused already." Nick said, quietly, but just got a shrug as Ally put a hand on Nick's arm to quiet him.

"I tried the front room first."

"Where the drinks were." Shawna realised, quietly, which earned a guilty nod.

"She wasn't there, but... but he was. I turned to go, but he called out, asked me... Something."

"What?" Ally urged.

"I don't remember."

"You've never forgotten anything in your life." Shawna nudged him, feeling him tense up as he lied. "Tell her."

"It's... I..."

"It doesn't matter to anyone here what he said, Marcus." Nick pointed out, and this time Ally didn't quiet him. "We're all here for each other, not for him."

"He asked if I was banging the slut, because it didn't matter, he'd finished with her anyway." Nick's face darkened, and Marcus tensed again.

"'Has she turned you from being a shit-shover yet?' he asked. So I turned across the room to Aiden — that's Corinne's boyfriend. 'Hey, Aiden, didn't he say you were gay when Corinne left him for you?' and Aiden nodded, so I told him that he was brave to turn up to a party when he was obviously so bad in bed that his last two girlfriends had turned to homosexuals for comfort."

Shawna sat bolt upright, shock the only thing that stopped her from laughing out loud, and Nick joined her. Ally didn't hold back at all, putting the pen down to dry her eyes, but Marcus just carried on, lost in the retelling.

"He swung, slow and predictable, right leg lead and a haymaking left-hander — he's right-handed but he had a can of lager in his right. I just stepped inside it, elbowed him in the face — not hard, just enough to put him off balance. He fell back on the couch, and some of the guys off the football team threw me out. It was easier to get rid of me than him and all his friends... I don't blame them, it's the way working the door works, too.

So I blew that as well... I went home, got the guitar... and went to do it."

"Why the guitar?" Ally asked, quietly.

"I... I guess I just wanted something with me? I don't know, really."

"Why didn't you take it with you in the first place?"

"I didn't think of it."

"How did Tony catch you?" Shawna asked.

"He was out in the kitchen. Just bad luck... good luck..."

"I know your flat — you can't see the kitchen from your room, or the front door, or anywhere in between." Marcus just shrugged. "You wanted to get caught, you wanted someone to come after you... that's what the letter was for, and that's why you wanted me to see you.

The guitar was because Connor got in the way."

"What is it with you and Connor, anyway?" Nick asked, and Ally looked pointedly at Shawna.

"He... I... " Marcus began, flicking glances at Shawna when he thought she wasn't looking.

"He raped me." She whispered, tears starting, and once they started, once she'd admitted that, she couldn't stop them. "And once he'd spoilt me, Marcus felt like he didn't have anything left."

"That's not true..." Marcus told her, turning to face her, his hand under her chin. Slowly, gently, he turned her to look at him. "He didn't spoil you... it's just that... after that... after all that, you still didn't look at me as anything more than him. That's... I just felt that if that couldn't make you see me, nothing could."

"Oh, God..." Shawna snatched out of his grasp, running for the door, and silence held for a moment as the other three just stared after her.

"This would probably be a good time to chase her..." Ally pointed out to Marcus.

"But... if she wanted to talk she wouldn't have run." he reasoned.

"If she wants to know that someone cares, she'll believe actions better than words! Go!" He nodded, once, and took off like a rocket, nearly ripping the door from its hinges as he burst through it.

"You alright?" Ally asked Nick, as the door finally swung to a halt.

"I think so... poor girl."

"She'll be OK, I think. I'm no expert, but... she's admitting it, now, which is an improvement. And she's got someone to care for her."

"It's going to be a strain on them, on him."

"He'll rise to it. He needs something, at the moment. It might bring them closer together."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Can he be any more broken than he was on that cliff?"

"Probably not."

"It's not your fault, you know."

"I know."

"No, you say that, but you're not feeling it. You're wondering where you went wrong, what you could have done differently."

"A little." He admitted.

"So's he. So's she. Everyone does." Silence fell again, and she stood up to reach around his shoulders, holding him close.

"She was right, though, he does think the world of you. You know that's why he brought her."

"It is?"

"She calms him enough that he can deal with how he feels. He wants you to know, but he doesn't know how to tell you. He's a good kid."

"He's better than that... I wouldn't have stopped where he did, I'd have killed the bastard."

"Maybe, maybe not. You're a better man than you think, sometimes. I think you'd have stopped just about where he did, too..."

He didn't have to think where she might have gone, he simply turned right as he left his gate, and opened up into the long, ground-eating stride he'd developed during training. Shawna was struggling over the stile as he drew close, and he didn't slow, just leapt head-first over the hedge, tucked and rolled on the grass on the other side, and held up a hand to help her down.

"Marcus..." tears still streamed down her face, her jaw quivering as she tried to speak.

"Don't say anything... please... just... just walk with me?" She nodded, hesitantly, holding a hand out to him, and he stepped in, scooped her up in his arms, and carried her. One arm behind her knees, the other behind her back, she wrapped her arms around his neck and cried into his shoulder as he carried her slowly down to the riverside, laying her gently on the little mound underneath the willow tree there.

He sat down beside her, and gently wrapped his arms about her again, setting off the tingling in her stomach that was becoming familiar whenever he was around. She mentally kicked herself for taking so long to realise it, even as she sighed and relaxed into his embrace, letting the tears work themselves out.

"I'm sorry." She finally whispered. "I knew how you felt, knew you'd never really let go of it, but... I needed someone."

"I know. I was never strong enough to let go and risk not finding someone else. I'd opened up once and been hurt... I didn't have the strength to do it again."

"I always thought of you as the strong one, of the two of us."

"I always thought it of you."

"You know I was an idiot, right?"

"What?" he pulled back a little, misinterpreting, thinking she was talking about Connor.