Chapter 18

"What was that about?" Nick asked, as Marcus sat back down, turning back to look over the seat.

"Just... just letting her off a promise she made under duress."

"What promise."

"Does it matter?"

"Judging by your expression, I think it matters to you."

"She'd said she'd go to dinner with me."

"That's it?"

"A date dinner."

"Right. And how long have you been trying to get her to say yes to that?"

"Seven years, four months and three days." Nick and Ally paused, thrown a little by the precision... it wasn't something you could ever get used to.

"Right... so now that you have it why back out? Are you frightened?" Ally finally broke the silence.

"No. She only said it to stop me last night. I can't force her to do something she doesn't really want to do. She wouldn't break her word once she'd given it."

"So you did at least tell her you still wanted to go, right? You didn't just call it off."

"What?"

"Marcus, you can be so thick for a smart guy sometimes." Nick told him, unable to keep from smiling gently. "You told her not to feel obliged, right, and that was the right thing to do, fair enough... but that doesn't mean that you can't go at all."

"Ask her, honey." Ally put in, as they pulled into their street. "I saw how she looked at you today. She never used to look at you like that."

"That's the way she looked at the guys at uni." He put in. "I don't want to be just another roll in the sack, I think that'd probably hurt more than not really being anything at all."

"Then don't be a roll in the sack. Be whatever you want, but you've got to show her what you are. We've told you time and time again that you can't just be reactive around Shawna. You need to be assertive, need to give her something to sink her teeth into, something to inspire her. You're a good person, from top to bottom, but you need to be a MAN for Shawna, too. You aren't too good at that."

"Beating the snot out of one of her ex-boyfriends wouldn't have been my first choices, though." Nick put in.

"He wasn't a boyfriend."

"Another roll in the sack?" Ally asked, with a slight grin.

"A rapist." The brakes slammed on, hard.

"WHAT!" They both turned to look at him.

"She doesn't look at it like that. She keeps trying to avoid saying it, or thinking it... I guess it sort of attacks her sense of control over her own fate, but it's true."

"Has she talked to the police?"

"I don't think so — I tried to get her to."

"How is she?"

"She's been... lost? And then I go and throw this on top of it... some friend, huh?"

"Hey, you're allowed to have problems too, Marcus." Nick put in, reaching back, grabbing his shoulder. "You're not immune to feeling, remember." He just shrugged.

"This just gets more complicated by the minute." Ally put in, settling herself before pulling away for the last short drive home. No-one said anything until they pulled up.

"Marcus," Ally turned, as she turned the car off, "you need to make it clear to Shawna you still want to go out, you know. I know you do, so don't try and deny it. She needs someone to care for her as her, right now. I don't know much about rape counselling, but there are some people at the office that deal with cases like that, I'll get some names for her."

"I don't think I can, not after last night. I blackmailed her into a date, that's always going to be hanging over us, especially after everything else."

"It was a stressful, emotional time, people don't always think straight, but it'll only hang over you if you let it — you will unless we can knock it out of you, but I don't think Shawna will. She'll either like you for who you are, or she'll decide you aren't for her and move on. She's always known her own mind pretty well."

Marcus just shrugged, collected his bag, and went to his room. He unpacked in silence, knowing that a conversation he didn't want to have was waiting when he got downstairs, and sat for a time when the bag was empty.

"Marcus?" Nick tapped at the door.

"Yeah."

"Do you want to talk now, or do you want to wait until the morning."

"Could it wait until the morning? I still have to sort some things out in my head."

"OK... we're here if you need us, you know."

"I know." Footsteps receded down the stairs, the muffled murmurings of their conversation drifting up, and he curled up on the top of his sheets, still dressed, and quietly cried himself to sleep.

He opened his eyes, as always, at six o'clock on the dot, staring into the same green eyes of his dreams.

"Jesus!" he started back, away from her, smacking his head off the shelf over the bed.

"Sorry..." Shawna stifled a giggle, watching him dart about. "I had to come over and see you." He slumped against the wall.

"I'm sorry..." he managed, after a moment. "I... I didn't mean to force you..."

"I've been pushed harder than that, Marcus, and into worse things. You didn't force me."

"Blackmailed, then."

"Coercion? Whatever... I still had a choice — turn up or not. You've given me completely free choice now... so let's go out tonight. Nothing fancy, nothing... demanding. Let's take a drive up to the park. Lotty and the others'll be there, last weekend before Christmas."

"You aren't just saying this because of... because of last night?"

"Sort of..." she confessed, grabbing his hands as he started to pull away. "Hear me out?" He nodded, reluctantly.

"I'd never looked at you like that, before... it wasn't even last night, was it — two nights ago. She realised what a state he was in when she noticed that uncharacteristic lapse of his sense of time. "He thought back, nodding. "You were a safety net for me, you've always been my best friend, and I don't think anything will ever change that. That night, what you were willing to do for me to Connor, to yourself. I'm not ever going to be able to forget that.

I've never really given you a chance, and part of that was me wanting to keep that safety net. My mum's been alone for a long time. I remember how Nick was after your mum died, before Ally came along. I don't want to be alone like that.

But you have been, for a long time. I remember what Mum was like when Dad was around, I remember how Nick was when your Mum was here, and I see how good Ally's been for him.

I want that, and the nearest thing I can see to that is you.

I meant what I said then, you know. I've never seen anyone move like that. I like powerful men — and that gets me in trouble — but you're the first person I've seen with that kind of power that didn't dwell on it. I've known you for ten years, and I would never have believed you knew how to do that."

"Ally said I needed to be more than just a good person for you, I needed to be a man." Shawna nodded, after a moment.

"Smart lady."

"I've seen what you do with men, Shawna."

"Ouch..." He winced again, turning away, and she reached a gentle hand up to his cheek, turning him back to face her. "It hurts, but it hurts because it's true."

"I don't want that to be me."

"I don't have any 'forever' promises." she admitted.

"I don't want to be just a quick shag, and then a memory."

"Is that what you think they were?"

"That's how it looked. That's how Tony felt." She rocked.

"Did he? I thought that's what he was looking for."

"He was... well, he was prepared to accept that if that was all it amounted to."

"Most of them are."

"I'm not most of them."

"No... no you aren't. You never were."

"Where does that leave us."

"That leaves me needing to get home for breakfast. Nick and Ally are downstairs waiting to talk to you, I saw them through the window. So that leaves us with... one o'clock?"

"Really?"

"Really... I... I think I might need this just as much as you do, in a way. I've been looking in all the wrong places for something special."

"And if I'm not it?" he trembled, waiting for the axe he was so sure was going to fall.

"I don't think that's going to happen. So many smarter people than me have been trying to show me this, and I wasn't listening. Ally, Elspeth, Briana... even Hope, and she was hoping you'd forget me and fall for her."

"Hope?"

"Yes, Hope."

"I thought she liked girls."

"She does, she likes guys too."

"Oh."

"Why does that surprise you?"

"I don't know... me?" She giggled again, drinking him in as he lounged against the wall. The tension — tension she'd not really noticed — had drained out of him, washed away in the talk, and the tingle in her belly returned.

"Yes, you. How many girls have asked you out this term? I know Hope did, and Elspeth did."

"Elspeth was looking for a cover, though."

"What?"

"Briana... Elspeth... remember."

"Is that what you thought?"

"Why else?"

"Because she liked you. Because you're cute, in your own way. Because she looked and saw how you look now, and how you act. Because you're all pure and innocent and smart and kind and funny... and she was wondering if she was cut out to just go with girls."

"But Elspeth and Briana..."

"Uh-huh, Elspeth likes girls, I think she's set on that... But Briana likes guys too, and she speaks well of you."

"But... me?"

"Yes, you, stupid. Come on, how many." He cocked his head for a moment, counting.

"Three... Hope, Elspeth and Corinne."

"Three, and you wonder if I really mean it."

"Corinne and Hope were both just trying to get me to forget you, I think. Elspeth... well, she was after Briana."

"I've really knocked your confidence, haven't I?"

"No."

"I have, I think. Or you didn't have much to start with, for some reason." He shrugged. "Listen, I've not been looking to see that you're pretty tight to look at, but you are. I can promise you, though, you are just about the kindest, sweetest, funniest, noblest, most dependable man I've ever met. There are three girls who asked you out this term for a number of reasons, no doubt, but at least one of those reasons was that they genuinely wanted to see if you'd fall for them.

You're a catch, Marcus. God knows why you've picked me, but I'll take it now that I'm awake enough to see it." She leant forward, kissed his cheek gently, and was out the window before he knew what to say.

"We don't want this to seem like an inquisition, Marcus, it's not, but we really need to talk." Nick told him, as he picked his key off the hook.

"We will, I promise. I said this morning, and I meant it. But... it's an involved story, and I think it'll go better if Shawna's here to help me tell it. She sees things in people that I don't, you know."

"We'd rather talk to you."

"I'll be here, and I'll talk. Please."

"Last time, Marcus." Nick's voice became a little stern. "You're an adult now, I know, but we need to discuss this. Next time you're in, we sit down, and we talk."

"We will."

The morning was cool, crisp and clear, and Marcus long strides covered the distance between houses quickly and easily. He paused a moment to catch his breath, not wanting to pile in puffing and panting, and heard the conversation drifting out the kitchen window.

"So I was in his room, so what?"

"Girls like that get a reputation, Shawna Louise Lewis. You don't want that sort of reputation."