Chapter 15

"Hope?" Tony opened the door to her, and she walked in with a slight smile, looking around.

"Is... Is Marcus alright? He's not been in class this week." Tony just cocked his head, and when she listened she heard the guitar playing quietly.

"What is that?"

"Soul Asylum's 'Runaway Train'." Lorraine told her from one of the armchairs.

"So far, this hour, we've had 'The Boxer', Maroon 5's 'She will be loved', Green Day's 'When September Ends' and... what was the other one?"

"Brothers in Arms." Lorraine supplied, with a shrug.

"Happy days." Hope remarked.

"Yeah, look... I wouldn't bother disturbing him. Everyone that's asked him how he is has just irritated him."

"Well then I won't ask." She said, and pointed across the room.

"Be my guest." He offered.

"Marcus?" she knocked gently, and the guitar stopped.

"Who is it?"

"Hope, I brought you over the notes you missed this week."

"Thanks, Hope." He started upright when she opened the door, freezing in place on the bed as she stared around in wonder, closing the door behind her.

"Oh my word..." she managed, staring at the collection of paintings and pictures. "What is... never mind. Here's the notes for you... and the homework for over Christmas, you don't want to get too far behind, after all."

"Thanks."

"That's it? No explanation of what's wrong, why you've been off lectures?"

"No."

"Oh, fair enough." She took off her coat, laying it over the end of the bed, and sat down on the chair by the desk.

"What are you doing?"

"Waiting."

"For what?"

"For you to tell me what's going on with you lately."

"What makes you think anything's been going on?"

"Well, Shawna's asked me if I'd spoken to you lately. Corrine, Elspeth and Briana. You've not been in lectures this week, and then Tony basically warned me against coming over here in case you ate me."

"I'm fine."

"No you're not, none of those things are normal for you."

"OK, then I'm not fine, so what?"

"So people who aren't fine need friends to help them be fine again."

"It's not going to be fine, Hope. I'm never going to be fine, I never was before... I'm odd, I'm weird, and it's about time I just got used to that."

"Uh-huh... since when did you care what other people thought... oh, it's not other people, it's other person... what's Shawna said that's done this." His flush told her she'd guessed right, and he knew it. "Come on, I'm going home for Christmas tomorrow, you can't let me go worrying about how you're going to be, and I can't go without knowing what's worrying you."

"Yes you can."

"Alright, I can, but I don't want to. Call it payment for bringing the notes over."

"You know you're the only one that treats me like a person all the time?"

"Excuse me?"

"The others... they all look at me like I'm a machine or something, they're so obvious about trying to push buttons, to make me react how they want."

"Have you told them this is upsetting you?"

"That's not upsetting me... that's just why I'm going to tell you, and not them..." he explained.

"Tell me what?"

"Shawna's not going to happen, I've realised that. There was... she doesn't see me as... I'm just a safe-zone, you know. Somewhere trustworthy, somewhere... safe."

"That's a good thing to be, you know. People need someone they can trust."

"What about what I need?"

"What do you need?"

"I don't know... I don't think it's there. I think this is it, really. Me and four walls..."

"What happened with Shawna?"

"A... a break-up. Sort of. Not a nice one. She got hurt. You can't tell anyone." She just shook her head, stunned. "So she came here, and... I guess she was just looking for somewhere... safe."

"That's the third time you've said safe like that, like it was a bad thing..."

"It is. It's like... nice. Girls don't date nice guys, they don't go for safe guys."

"You've always been a nice guy, Marcus... what's safe got to do with it?"

"You know why I'm safe? It's because no-one can actually picturing themselves being with me. Shawna, Corrine once she got to know me. You. Most people see it straight away, some people think that maybe they see something, but then realise they don't... No-one's ever going to see themselves with me. Someone else, oh yeah, I'll fix him up with so and so... but not actually them."

"That's not true, Marcus..."

"Really? Where did you go? We were working, we were getting on OK I thought... I didn't realise it at the time, of course... and then suddenly... you disappeared. Corrine thought we were doing quite well, but then when I slipped back into being me, she got freaked and it wouldn't work... and she was right."