Chapter 4

I remember when she told me the news. She had been having problems. After her visit to the doctor he had required her to take some tests. Then came the specialist. I was in the car having just left work to see her home.

Her shoulders were drooping and her walk told me volumes. As she sat down next to me she broke down and began to cry. I leaned over, holding her to me, kissing her cheek.

"It will be okay honey. We'll get through whatever it is. You're strong and I am here for you. We'll get you through this."

"No. We won't John. I've... I've got cancer. They just told me I have less than a year."

"Less than a year? What do they mean less than a year? Is it that you'll need treatment for less than a year? You can do that. We can do that. I will be with you every step of the way Becky."

"No John. They meant that I have less than a year to live. I'm... dying."

I sat in stunned silence. Of all the things I expected to hear, this was the farthest from my mind. It never occurred to me that whatever it was that was bugging my love would kill her. It had to be a wrong diagnosis. She wasn't that ill. It had to be a mistake. It had to be.

"John, they told me I have several types of cancer in me. They're each killing me bit by bit. The specialist told me that I have at most a year and a half. I could die in a month though too."

"No. Not that. We'll find other doctors. There has to be a way to fight this. People survive cancer all the time. You will survive this Becky."

"I don't think so John. I can feel it inside me at times. I don't think I'm going to make it out of this one."

"Nonsense. We'll find someone who can heal you. You'll see. I'll start searching tomorrow. I'll find someone who's able to help you... to cure you. You'll see Becky."

I only wish that I felt all that sure as I was trying to sound. Her specialist was one of the best doctors around, and if he had found cancer then it most likely was. I just couldn't give up on Becky though. I loved her too much to accept this at face value. I had to try. I had to.

Our next weeks were full of me searching, locating and then getting Becky to see one doctor after another. Each time the diagnosis stayed the same. I even took her to another clinic without any background information and had them test her. Still the answer was the same. Several types of cancer, any one of them a killer in it's own right. Most even said that trying to stop it with radiation and Chemotherapy would be futile.

Nobody could say why or how. Nobody could offer a treatment that wasn't worse than the final prognosis. So... finally, after much pleading on Becky's part and a dark hole blooming in my heart, I gave up. I took her home and we began to plan the end of her days.

She could tell I was struggling with this too. We had been together since high school; having got married right after graduation. We attended college, separately, her to the one she wanted, me to the one I needed to be at. We managed to stay faithful and happy. It was hard those first years. I managed to get her pregnant three times while we were going to college too. Becky managed to stay in school and get the necessary grades needed to graduate showing the world how smart and tenacious she really was.

Tough stuff my Becky is made of. That's why this cancer thing was freaking me out so much. We had been through so much together over the years. Three kids, many moves, different problems that almost every married couple face time to time. Yet we managed to stay in love, matter of fact, our love had grown so much that I was now finding this harder to accept than I had ever dreamed anything like this could be.

If Becky died, I'd be alone. All alone. Our kids were out on their own, living their lives and they had no need for dad to come barging in. I was working, but didn't' really need to since our finances had blossomed over the years and we were sitting very well now. Neither of us had to work at all. We could just sit back and cruise for the rest of our years together.

Well, that had been the plan anyway. Now this. I was numb inside. I put on the brave front, and watched my wife slowly, oh so slowly, die. It was killing her, and it was killing me. At some point I realized I couldn't live without her. I was asleep when it hit me. I woke up in a cold sweat, and couldn't shake it either. I knew... I wouldn't make it without Becky.

That's when I began to plan my demise. I would die about six months after Becky did. It wouldn't be a suicide, well, so much that anyone could tell for certain anyway. I would go out in a blaze of glory... of sorts. Fire tends to blaze doesn't it? Nobody would be able to tell it was a suicide and the resulting findings would leave my insurance policy in effect. The kids would be taken care of for the rest of their lives, and I'd have my peace.

I didn't count on Becky seeing right through me. She did. Almost at the very moment I thought it all up too. Her insight into me was always right on the money. She had been that way for years. She could read me a mile away, blindfolded. My voice maybe? Inflections in how I spoke might have tipped her off? I was never sure but I knew that I could never hide anything from her. I never had been able to. She knew me inside and out.

We fought over it a bit, but in the end I knew that Becky wouldn't quit until I gave in. It took every bit of every little thing I had to cover it up and let her think I had changed my mind. At times I would have to look somewhere else while talking to her, even in a dark room. I just couldn't give up my plan that easy, and she couldn't accept it either.

I was finding that Becky's sex drive was kicking into high gear too. It was like she wanted to make up for the time she'd be gone or something. At times I felt guilty having sex with her knowing that she was ill. She would tell me that she wanted it, but I figured she was just trying to be... I don't know... a good wife? Making up for the time we'd lose? I never realized that her sex drive had kicked in for some reason, and that she was truly wanting me that way until almost too late.

It was difficult at times since I knew she was going to die soon. I didn't want to lose her. Not like this, and not so soon in our lives. I guess I had no choice in the matter, as neither did she. It was awkward around each other for a bit after we finally understood her end was coming. I was afraid of hurting her, she was afraid I would be hurt.

After a couple of weeks of that we finally got it all straightened out. Then, her friend Samantha came along. I was very suspicious at first since Becky had tried to fix me up with her other friends. She was afraid that I'd go off and die on my own and she also thought I needed to have someone to love after she was gone. Like I could have done that. I mean, she had my heart, there was nobody in the world that would ever get it now.

Samantha turned out to be a great person and one that I felt comfortable around. As far as I could tell, she was not interested in me 'that' way. I was relieved, yet still suspicious. I knew Becky well, and I knew she hadn't given up hope that I'd find someone else to love. Like I could.

I have always prided myself on my ability to judge someone's age. I had never been off too far in the past, and usually I'd only let some woman lie a bit to in order to not embarrass them. Yet, I knew the age of most of the women I would meet within a few minutes. I was usually within a year or less too. I had been told I was uncanny in that skill and it had served me well in business over the years too.

Anyway, when I met Samantha for the first time I was struck at how much younger she was than Becky. This woman was supposed to have been in college while Becky was? NO WAY. She had to be at least ten years younger than Becky. At the very least ten years, and probably more like fifteen if I was any judge.

When I questioned them on the age difference, I was expecting some angry stares from Becky, but I never got them. Instead I got a nervous looking wife and a fast talking Samantha. My suspicions were aroused even farther with that.

The explanation was satisfactory, if one was easy to pull the wool over their eyes. I let them think I bought it, but deep down I decided to do some research on young Miss Samantha. In the mean time, her quick wit and good nature won me over, even though I intended to find out more about her through other channels.

When we first met, Samantha was wearing a dress that hid nothing and gave me the impression of a beautiful woman that had a body to kill for. At first I was thinking that Becky had not given up finding a spouse replacement for her, and I was about to get all upset about it. Then, the next day when Samantha was wearing very conservative clothes, I realized that maybe she hadn't been dressed like that for me. After all she had originally come here on account of her job.

As time went on and Samantha moved in and took over the care of Becky, I found her to be quite easy going and nice to be around. I was nervous once or twice when we got too comfortable. She had gotten used to running around like Becky and I would in the past without company around, and at times the short nightie's she wore would be very distracting to me. I mean, she did have a nice body... a very nice body.

One night while I was watching TV, she came out in a robe. Sitting with me and drinking her coffee, I began to notice things about her that I shouldn't have. Like the swell of her breasts just showing, and the shape of her calves. So taught and muscular, yet soft and feminine too. I was getting aroused just sitting there near her. About the time I was going to give up and go to bed, she got up and told me goodnight.

As she bent to pick up her coffee cup, her robe parted and I had a view of her breasts, hanging unfettered. They were perfect one's too. Nipples were fitting to someone with her features, and she reminded me of a playboy model. Yet, she didn't turn me that way since my next thoughts were of Becky's breasts and how I loved to suck and nibble on her nipples.

I pretended to not notice and she was quick in looking at me to see if I had seen her. Luckily she missed my gawking, and as she left she whispered good night to me.

"Goodnight John. Sleep tight."

"You too Samantha. I'm headed to bed myself. In a minute anyway."

I watched her walk away to the guest bedroom wondering if Becky had managed to work some kind of deal with this woman to slip into my life. I shook it off since nothing so far had led me to see that they were conspiring anything like that. I had not been able to find out much about Samantha's work, other than she had worked a long time ago for one company as a buyer.

Samantha was paying attention to Becky and I was just a side note to her. At least the impression she gave me was she was not interested in me... other than I was her friend's husband. Still, I had suspicions on the whole matter. I couldn't help it, Becky had tried so hard earlier to get her replacement in my life that I just didn't want to let my guard down.

One night Becky really got turned on and we outdid ourselves. We went at it all night long with few rest breaks. At one point I was fucking her as she lay spread beneath me and she began to cry out. In the past, Becky had been quiet and conservative in bed. This was part of a whole bunch of things that had changed with her.

At the moment of her orgasm she let out a huge scream. The next thing we knew, Samantha was in the room, having thought that Becky was having troubles. Seeing us as we were, she blushed and turned and ran out. I had started to go soft, but Becky really turned up the heat to keep me up and rigid.

Later, I thought back to that moment and wondered how Samantha had gotten into our bedroom so fast. Way too fast. It made me think that something may not be quite right. Of course, she had been embarrassed and the next morning she was still embarrassed. So I dismissed that whole episode as a true mistake.

Things like that began to happen more and more, usually when Becky was really wound up it seemed. Then came the night that Becky decided to have me do her out in the living room. I should have known better, but Samantha had gone out for the evening, and we figured we'd be alone for at least an hour or two.

I had been sitting besides her, holding her to me as we kissed and enjoyed each other's presence. Becky then began to escalate things by fondling my cock through my pants. I responded by fondling her breasts, and the next thing we knew we were off. Stripping her clothes off right there in the living room was a trip since we hardly ever made love any place other than the bedroom.

I kissed her breasts, sucking her nipples in and just loving them. Becky had her hands on my cock and was trying to move around so she could suck me. I moved up a bit, and pretty soon we were in a sixty-nine. Becky on top sucking my cock and me underneath licking her very wet pussy. We were like that for a bit, then I rolled her off me and we ended up on the floor. Laughing, we kept on going. I moved between her legs, and positioned my cock at her entrance.

Becky was mewling, wanting me to fuck her now and fuck her hard. I plunged in, and as I bottomed out she cried out loudly.

"YESSSSSS. OH God... YESSSSSS."

Hearing her having so much pleasure drove me to improve and do better. I loved to hear Becky. Especially since we had spent the last years being so quiet due to the kids and all. Now, we could be loud and do pretty much whatever we wanted. Her newfound love of sucking my cock still surprised me. It was like I had found another person in the body of my wife somehow.

Anyway, I was fucking her hard and fast and she was screaming. I came as she did, and her legs shot up and around my back locking me inside her. I collapsed on her then rolled to one side. We laid there basking in the glory of our copulation, when we heard it.

"Ahem. Sorry. I forgot my wallet. Came back for it. It's right there, on the coffee table."

Becky had a look in her eyes that made me wonder. She was smiling like nothing was wrong, while I scrambled for my clothes. I felt like I had been caught in her parent's house before we were married. It was surreal in many ways to me. By the time I had found my shorts, Samantha had a nice long look at my raging hardness. I hadn't gone soft yet, and as a matter of fact, I had been getting harder thinking about what was next for Becky and I.

"So Samantha, what do you think of John? Did I lie? Isn't he huge?"

"It's um... nice. Very nice. Too bad he's taken. If he weren't I'd be making some moves on him, that's for sure."

"Uh... I'm not available though."

"We know John. I told Sam about your cock the other day... it came up in conversation, don't look so shocked. Women talk about things like that all the time."

"Yeah, well, not my... um..."

"Cock John... your cock."

"Becky, you're not helping me here."

I was embarrassed. Samantha had a nice long look at me before I found some clothes, and by the time I had covered up she was gone. Grabbing her wallet her last words to us were;

"You two don't do nothing I wouldn't do, okay?"

Later, as we made love soft and gently in our room I asked Becky about Samantha's timing lately. The response I got made me get suspicious all over again. She froze up, not moving, then I felt her relax. Just as if I had caught her, then she decided I hadn't. I wouldn't have been able to tell except that I was hard and deep inside her, and when she froze up, her pussy tightened up around my shaft enough that I knew there was something up.

The next day I started asking questions.

"Becky, are you sure you aren't trying to pawn me off on Samantha? I mean, you've both been setting me up lately. Enough that I think you are."

"NO. I told you I wouldn't do that John, and I haven't. You are getting paranoid in your old age."

"I'm not all that old Becky."

"Yeah, but you are getting more paranoid."

"Well, you've given me reasons to be that way you know."

"Oh yeah? Well, so have you. What about you and doing the will all over again last week? We just did it a month ago, and I saw you in your office the other night, working on it yet again. Are you still planning something that you told me you weren't?

Damn... she turned it all around on me so smoothly and fast I had to think quickly to cover my surprise. She almost had me caught.

"NO. I haven't. I was just making sure that everything is in order. That's all."

"Yeah... like that paperwork changed magically all by itself since last month. John, I know you and I know you've been hiding something from me. I can tell you're still planning to do something stupid. After you promised me you wouldn't too."

She began to cry and I felt about as bad as I had for a long time. How could I make her understand without her my life wasn't worth living? How could I make her see that I'd be useless without her in my life? I would be. Totally useless. I'd have no reason at all to go on. I would have day after day of numbness and loneliness.

"Becky, I can't go on without you. You have been my life for so long I can't possibly go on without you. Can't you see that? You're leaving me and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I can't take that thought. I just can't."

"Oh John."

Her voice was soft and low. I could see that I had hurt her again. Once again I had cut her soul. I felt bad about it all, but at the same time I couldn't bring myself to admit that I needed to apologize to her.

"John, I love you and always have. You have to get over me... and you need to start now. I won't be there for you anymore, that's true. That doesn't mean that someone else can't fill my shoes. Maybe even better than I have."

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that again. You've been the only one for me forever Rebecca. You have been my life. I've lived for you... and without you... I'll die. That is how it is."

Becky had gotten up and was approaching me. I never saw it coming until it was too late. I was expecting a hug. Instead she began to hit me, hard, very hard. I heard her screaming, yelling, and her fists hitting me about my head, shoulders and stomach.

"GOD DAMN YOU JOHN. DAMN YOU. YOU bastard... you ass. I can't believe that you're thinking of killing yourself just because I won't be around. Damn you. GOD DAMN YOU. You have everything to live for and a healthy body to do it in. You have some nerve trying to take away from my children's lives now. How dare you. HOW DARE YOU. YOU... YOU..."

She broke down crying. Samantha had run into the room, only hearing yelling, and I could see shock registering on her face. I had a bloody nose and red marks on my cheeks where Becky had connected quite well with her fists. I had just stood there taking the hits, not sure why either. Becky had collapsed into my arms by the time Samantha got there, and I'm not sure what she thought had happened between us, though it was obvious something had.

"Is everything all right guys?"

"NO... everything is not all right. This asshole is still planning on offing himself after I die. He may not make it that far though... I'm about ready to do him in right now."

"What?"

"It's nothing Samantha. Becky is just upset."

"UPSET? YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M UPSET. You look Samantha and me in the eyes and tell us that you haven't been planning to kill yourself. LOOK US IN THE EYES and say that you're fine with all of this and that you're planning on working and living for a long, long time. GO AHEAD JOHN. DO IT."

She had me there. I couldn't look anyone in the eye and say that without showing that it would be a lie. I looked at the wall and then down at the floor. I was a mess. I turned and walked out, heading to the bathroom to clean up; leaving Becky crumpled on the couch where she had collapsed, crying her heart out.

As I wiped my face with the washcloth, I heard someone come into the bathroom with me. Turning to see, I found Samantha staring at me. All she did was stare and it began to make me uncomfortable. Finally, my discomfort becoming more and more pronounced, I had to get something out of her.

"What?"

"Have you ever thought of what this is doing to Becky?"

"What do you mean? Once she's gone, it won't matter anymore."

"But it will. She's going over to the next step in life and you're leaving her with the knowledge that when she goes, you will kill yourself because of her. How do you suppose that makes her feel? You are doing more to hurt her than you imagine. Not only does she have to deal with her dying; she has to worry about your worthless ass too. That's what you are too, by the way. A worthless ass."

"What do you know about anything? What do you know?"

"I know that Becky has done things for you that you have no idea of, and you never will. She has loved you without fail, without remorse and without fear. Until now. You're destroying her last days on earth with you and her family, all for selfish reasons of your own making. I can't believe you John. I really can't. Isn't it enough for you that Becky is dying? Are you so spineless that you'd give up without her? What kind of man are you?"

"You don't understand. I love her so much..."

"That you will ruin her last memories of you two together. You will give up on her now, when she needs you most. You will give up on her kids, and her soon to be grandkids."

"They're my kids too."

"Are they really? You are giving them up rather easy. Maybe you never liked your kids? Maybe you hated your kids? Maybe you hate Becky now too? Maybe you..."

"HOW DARE YOU. I love Becky and I love my kids. How dare you say that I don't. Where do you get off walking in here and acting like you're queen of all knowing, while I lose the love of my life? Where do you get off telling me anything about my family? You don't know me at all... not at all."

"I know your type. Weak and insufferable. You'd let your wife have a miserable last few weeks or months all at her expense... just because you are a selfish brat. You're letting your 'poor me' attitude take over your life while the rest of the world moves on. Do you think anyone will care when you're gone? Do you? Maybe your kids will... your grandkids will never know you so you'll just be the crazy old man that killed himself because he couldn't manage to function without grandma. You are a foolish, foolish man John... very foolish."

She turned and walked out on me. I was fuming now, angry that she had interfered in my life. Angry that she had the nerve to accuse me of... of... being selfish. It was at that moment that I knew that is what I had been. Selfish. I had been unable to accept the loss of Becky, and I had begun to work out a way to make it 'acceptable' to me. I sat down on the toilet and cried.

I was losing my wife, the one person I truly loved and needed in my life, and I had been acting like a fool. I had gotten caught up in my own misery and miserable plan, all at the expense of my wife's last days. I was making her last days about as bad as I could, and I hadn't seen it. I felt about as low as I ever had at that moment. How could I make this up to Becky now?

Not only that, Samantha had just shown me that she cared about Becky more than I did. She had been here, of her own free will, staying with us in case we needed anything. She had been there for Becky while I had been off working out my plan. I was ashamed of myself. What I had become I had done on my own. Now I had to fix things, if I could.

I had also been suspicious of them both. I was sure, right up until now anyway, that they had some crazy scheme cooked up to take care of me after Becky died. I had been thinking about that so often lately, that I had actually put my main plan on the back burner for a bit.

I cleaned up and checked myself out in the mirror. Opening the door, I saw our bedroom door closing, and I almost ran to open it. Only, I found when I got there, it was locked. Becky was locking me out now? Was that it for us? Had I really screwed things up so bad I couldn't fix them now? I spent the night on the couch in the den. In the morning I woke up to find someone had covered me with a blanket while I slept.

Stretching, I worked the kinks out of my back, wondering who had done me the favor. It didn't take long to figure that out. Samantha walked out in her robe, two cups of coffee in her hands.

"I thought you might want something hot to drink this morning."

"You... uh... the blanket... that was you?"

"Nope. Becky did that. She was upset last night, and after you went to sleep, she came out and just sat there, watching you. When she finally went to bed, she covered you up first. You really hurt her John. You really did. Had it been me, I'd have kicked your ass out the door."

"I know. I thought about it all and realized that I've been acting like a fool. I was being selfish, like you said, and I didn't see it. You and Becky opened my eyes last night... I just hope I'm not too late to fix things now."

"I don't think you are. It's a sobering thought to know that you've been wrong about something isn't it? I've been there several times... it's never pretty."

"Yeah. It isn't."

We drank our coffee in silence after that exchange, while I stewed over what I could do to make things right between us. Between all of us. I had hurt Samantha as well as Becky last night, although it appeared that Samantha was over it already. For the first time I looked at her in a different light. A far different light than I had before.

Samantha was a genuine person and a good and loving person too. She was someone who was worthy of sharing a life with. Just like Becky, but different too. I finally saw her as a woman without any guards or shields up. I wasn't looking at her like she was in some kind of plan to 'save' me. But here she had. She had opened my eyes up to what I had been doing to Becky.

"I owe you an apology."

"For what?"

"Last night."

"No. You owe that to Becky. I was just here for both of you guys, that's all."

"Yeah, but I was a bit hard on you. You've been here for us... mostly Becky, but both of us in many ways too. I had no right accusing you of anything like I did last night. None."

"Forget about it John. You were upset, and not thinking clearly. It happens."

"Well, I'm sorry anyway. Please forgive me."

"Okay, okay, you're forgiven. Now... go fix things with Becky."

I left her and went in to our bedroom door. Knocking, I waited until Becky opened it up.

"Oh, it's you."

"Look... I've been a fool Becky. I... I was thinking of myself instead of you, even though I had fooled myself into believing I was thinking of you. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt..." "This another plan to throw me off John?"

"NO. Look, last night Samantha made me see how big a fool I've been. I thought about it and I have nothing that I can say that can make up for how I've acted or what I planned. Our kids mean the world to me too, I was just caught up in losing you and..."

"Really? Honest? Are you telling me the truth? How will I be able to tell if you are telling the truth... now?"

Her voice was hollow sounding and empty. Without realizing it, I had begun to cry. Tears were running down my cheeks as I finally came face to face with how wrong and stupid I had been.

"All I can say is that I won't try to do something stupid like kill myself. I won't give up on life or living. I will miss you Becky... I will miss you so much... but I will be here for our grandkids, your grandkids. I promise that."

"Fine."

I stood there unable to find the words to convince her that I meant what I said. I was desperate to let her see that I was being honest with her... finally. She turned and went back into the bedroom leaving the door open. I stepped inside and stood there just watching her. It became crystal clear that I was seeing her for some of the last times I ever would, and I had wasted or been wasting time with her that could have been far better spent loving and enjoying her.

I went to my knees, wiping my eyes and cheeks clear of my tears as I did.

"Becky... Rebecca... I have been an idiot. I know I don't deserve a second chance, and for what I've done so far, for the pain I've caused you, I can't take that back. All I can say is that I will be forever sorry and regretful for acting as I have. I have finally realized that you are right about things and that I do have lots of things to live for. Please... please... forgive me? I don't want us to be angry or upset with each other anymore. Please forgive me?"

"You're not going to off yourself?"

"No."

"You're going to try to live well and for a long time?"

"Yes."

"You'll find someone else eventually?"

I hesitated. I was afraid of this. I loved her so much, and that thought that there could be someone else out there haunted me, as much as feeling that it was dishonoring her or actually, cheating on her to even think of someone else. I didn't know how to explain myself to her, and just knelt there wondering what I could say to cover this situation?