Chapter 3

As we drove home from the doctor's office that day John began to question me. I could tell he was very suspicious of Samantha's sudden and fortuitous arrival.

"So... you never mentioned Samantha before. If she was such a friend, why not?"

"It was a long time ago John. After college we were so busy with our lives, and by then Samantha was going to college on her own. It never came up, and we kind of went our separate ways. I thought of her often. You had friends in college I never knew about too, so what's the big deal? We just managed to re-connect after all these years, that's all."

"I'm sorry. It's not that I don't believe you. She just seems... well, young. Too young. I would have thought you would have told me about anyone babysitting our kids too."

"But I did. I'm sure of it. I never named the babysitter John, but you had her phone number."

"Oh. I thought that our babysitters name was Julie. I don't recall a Samantha. I'm sure I would have too."

"We had three babysitters, and Samantha really never did it for money. Mostly she was there to talk to me. I never really considered her a babysitter as I thought she was more my friend. Okay now, are you finished with the inquisition?"

"Inquisition? Oh... I'm sorry honey. I didn't mean to be so insistent. It's just that... well... I find that her arrival seems quite... strange. After all, a few weeks ago you were trying to marry me off to our friends and all..."

"JOHN... knock it off. I'm not trying anything here. Samantha is a friend who has come back into my life... just as it's ending. I will not sit here and listen to you accuse me of trying to set you up or anything of the kind."

We rode in silence for a while, and just as we pulled up in front of our house, he said.

"I'm sorry Becky. I didn't mean to be so suspicious. I know you're worried about me, and I can't seem to convince you that I will be all right after... after... later on."

"I know you'll be all right. I know that you will hold to your promise to me and stay healthy, and that you will also find someone else to love too."

"Becky... lets not go there again... okay?"

"We will go there until I am certain in my mind that you will hold up to your promise to me buster."

"I told you I would, and I won't break my promise either."

"Yeah... right. Look John, I know you and I know your mannerisms. I can tell that your promise was just one of those 'Humor the bitch' things. I know that you are counting on the fact that once I'm dead I won't or can't force you to move on. I know that you are thinking you will have free reign to do as you please. Well, let me tell you something right now buddy boy... YOU will MOVE on. Understand me? YOU WILL. You will find someone and get over me. You will love someone else and have a good life with her too. You will do that. YOU PROMISED... and you have never broken your promises to me ever. DON'T START NOW."

He looked so stunned at my speech that I could tell he figured I had read his mind. His lips moved but no coherent sound came out for a few seconds.

"Yo... uuee... I... sur... damn. How could you tell all that Becky? How do you know me so well? Forgive me, I did think that. It's just I can't accept your... condition and the end that is coming. You're my life Becky, and without you I will be nothing. Nothing at all."

"Oh... nothing at all huh? What about your three kids? What about your daughter who is pregnant with your first grandchild? What about your two sons who are married and trying to start families of their own? You think that you are nothing? Ask your children that. YOU are SOMETHING. Something important to at the very least, three other people, other than me. YOU are someone who has all to live for. That I'm dying is sad and perhaps tragic, but you have others to live for, not only them, but yourself as well. I will not pass from this earth knowing that you gave up after I died. What kind of memory is that? What kind of testament to our family would that be? Damn John... you are making me so angry right now. Very angry. I don't want to spend a second being mad or upset with you John. I want my last days and hours to be happy and good times. Please."

I had begun to cry. For the first time I think he was seeing how serious and how much he was upsetting me with his attitude. I saw him softening, his features showing a sadness and acceptance of my will.

"I'm sorry Becky. I truly am. I wasn't sure about your intentions, and I thought you had other reasons..."

"Other reasons? What other reasons could I possibly have John? I'm dying. There is or will be no more for me after that. Why on earth would I have other reasons for wanting you to go on and live a happy and full life? I love you. With all my heart I have loved you. I don't want you bitter, sad or worse after I'm gone. I want you to move on and have a chance at happiness. You're getting two chances in your life... far better than what most others will ever have. I have been honored and so lucky to have your love all these years. Your support in the bad times and good. You have been my lover, my best friend, my confidant, and the best husband a woman could ever have. That's why I want you to move on John. There will be another woman out there who deserves you. Really, there is."

"I don't want another woman Becky... I want you."

We both sat in the car crying. This had been a hard talk for us. Parts had been repeats of other conversations, but I think we finally both got to the heart of the matter with this one. He was scared, I was scared, and between us, neither wanted me to die.

At home, Samantha showed up about an hour after we did. She came in and we visited like old friends. I sprung the cancer on her... and she did a marvelous job of showing concern and tenderness. Our talking led her to volunteering to help out. I refused her (planned) until she finally convinced us that we would need her eventually. (Also planned.)

John was more accepting of having her with us in these last days than I would have thought. In bed that night I found out the reason why.

"You surprised me John."

"Oh?"

"I figured you would fight having Sam staying with us like she wants."

"I think it will be good to have her here. Besides, she is a friend of yours from your past, and you can talk about the good times with her, and perhaps keep your mind occupied while I'm at work. I worry about you when I'm at work you know. I just hope that her stay doesn't cost her too much. Her boss may not like her spending time here with us."

"She's already talked to her boss and she got a leave of absence. She told me tonight that her boss lost a relative to cancer and has been very concerned about anyone who is having a friend or loved one go through the same thing."

"Lucky us."

"Yeah. Lucky us."

I laid there, a bit upset at how I was lying and twisting things around. I knew that I meant well... but would John if he happened to find out my little plan? How would he act or react if he knew all?

I was tired that night, and not quite as well as I had been. We cuddled together and just held each other all night long. The next morning after John left for work, Sam and I had a long talk about things.

"I'm not sure I can do this Becky. I mean... I feel terrible about lying to John like I am..."

"I know. I laid in bed last night and questioned my plan. You know what? We need to look at this as we are saving a life. We are saving John's life. From himself. If that requires a few lies here and there and some acting too, then so be it. I love my husband Sam... I want him to be happy at some point after I'm gone.

"Well, if you put it like that... I still hate lying to him. I mean... what if he asks me to marry him at some point... it will all come out? Marriage licenses have dates and names on them... my name hasn't changed... but the dates... he'll figure it out."

"By that point he will forgive you. I'm sure of it. He will be so much in love with you he won't have a choice."

We went over more details and built a whole lifetime between us. Enough to cover up most of the blanks and fill in holes. We spent the rest of the day visiting and learning more about each other. I discovered that Sam was a whole different person than I had envisioned. I had never really thought about the personal lives behind escorts or hookers and things I guess. After all, they are all somebody's daughters aren't they?

From that point on, things began to work out just like planned. Samantha, being in the house in close proximity all the time began to build a relationship with John. Of course it was that 'friends' thing, but at least he was getting to know her. I made sure that there were certain times in the day that they had to themselves, letting them get used to each other.

A few months went by, and Samantha had become like a sister to me. We were actually becoming close friends. As I got sicker, she really came through for me too. She was helping me just like a friend would. I began to lean on her more and more as I got weaker. Having her here had become a God-send.

One day, our love making having been off the norm for a month due to my increasing condition, I could see that John was struggling with something. Wrestling it around in his mind. I hoped that he was having thoughts of Samantha in a more... well... sexual way than not. Strange that I would think like that. Hoping that he would be falling in love or at least lust with another woman. I was still having a hard time accepting I was dying, even though I was weaker and sick more often.

"What's wrong John? You have been fighting with whatever it is for a while now... tell me, what's bothering you?"

"I've been wondering what happens after?"

"After?"

"Well, the house will be empty... Samantha will be gone I'm sure, and you... I just don't know what to do with this house... it's too big... it will be too... empty."

"Maybe Samantha will stay on until you decide what it is you want to do with the house John."

"Becky... I thought we weren't going to go there anymore."

"Go where John?"

"You're not marrying me off to one of your friends."

"I'm not trying to. If Samantha were here, the house wouldn't be so empty. I'm not sure what her plans are after... afterwards... but I'll bet she'd stay if she thought you might want the company."