Chapter 16: Football and Paula occupy Sammy's mind

Colonel Travis made an announcement at the Monday morning formation that created havoc among the cadets. Bancroft Preparatory School was canceling the junior varsity game, which had been scheduled to be played before the main event on Friday afternoon. This announcement was a devastating blow to our junior varsity guys, juniors and sophomores who labored hard without much recognition. A disturbing murmur rose from the ranks, which had to be quelled by instructors and senior cadets.

The Bancroft game had been highly anticipated by members of our 'B' team as the one chance to play a real game in front of their parents and girlfriends, to show what they could do. To the juniors the game was viewed as a defining moment in their football career at C.M.A. Excelling in the game would assure them a place on the varsity team the following year. Or one spectacular play could get them noticed; that's the sort of opportunity the game represented to them.

In his announcement that the J.V. game was cancelled, Colonel Travis tried to use Bancroft's sudden pullout to bolster our sense of pride in our school, saying that C.M.A. upheld higher standards than other preparatory schools. The message; Bancroft Preparatory students were coddled sissies; C.M.A. students were men. He proclaimed that our varsity team would kick Bancroft's ass.

In actuality, Bancroft couldn't field a competitive team of scrubs because their board-of-directors and faculty did not place the same reverence to the game as the men who guided our curriculum. Boys were sent to C.M.A. because football was used as a teaching tool. Boys were sent to Bancroft to get a well-rounded jump on college studies.

By dinner that evening, the overall morale in the school was the lowest I had witnessed. Every student at our school played football and knew what the forty-one members of the J.V. were feeling. Except for members of the band, excelling at football was every cadet's dream. And the band had a respect for the game because, as freshmen, they had been required to practice football. Seniors who did not make the team were also exempt from practice. That year fifteen seniors had not made the varsity team. They worked at other jobs but they still knew what the J.V. team was feeling because they had practiced football every day during their first three years at the school. The rest of us, forty-five varsity, forty-one junior varsity and forty freshmen practiced football every day of the school year.

Disappointment that the J.V. game was cancelled was voiced so loudly in our room that night that Dale had to threaten to award a demerit to the next cadet that opened his mouth; something Dale had never done before. The grumbling continued but only in whispers, which we all ignored, not wanting a demerit assessed for such a trivial matter.

Jarvis was the most vocal. The way I saw it he had a better than fifty-fifty chance of making the varsity team the next year. Smitty played on the defensive line but was probably resigned to working behind a camera, in the film editing room or on the school newspaper his senior year. Craig would probably make the varsity squad his senior year while Carter was destined to follow in Smitty's footsteps. There were six sophomores who dressed with the varsity. Russell and I were hoping to make that same leap over the J.V. Our chance to prove our worth would come during spring football when all seniors would be exempt from playing and we would compete to take their places on the 'A' team.

On Tuesday morning Colonel Travis made another announcement. As an appeasement, five players from the JV would dress with the varsity. The names of the five players were to be announced after football practice that day. Again, murmurs of discontent from the ranks had to be squelched, making it evident that rewarding five players did not compensate the dedicated efforts of the other thirty-six J V players. The Colonel was not accustomed to having his decisions questioned by teenage student cadets. He ended the formation abruptly, concluding with a dubious remark. "The spring football program will be expanded to include games with other schools."

That night in the room Jarvis was the poster-boy for esprit de corps. He had been chosen as one of the five players to dress with the varsity team on Friday afternoon. He said he didn't understand the dissension that had invaded the student body. The fact that he would be watching the game from the bench and not playing had eluded him. He would get a taste of the glory that surrounded the 'A' team. His euphoric state was short lived. The following morning the Colonel reversed the previous day's announcement. Instead of increasing the number of varsity players by five, there was to be a game between our own freshmen and the J.V. This news caused a cheer from everyone in attendance. No effort was made to stem the enthusiasm. Even the instructors cheered.

That afternoon I forced Mr. Borden to assess me with a demerit for my display of what he called my temper-invoked vulgarity.

I had been stewing about screwing Paula since Saturday night. It bothered me from the beginning that I had let her manipulate me but when the realization that I had come inside her hit me I became frightened about what could happen. The possibility that I had made Paula pregnant was all I could think of. Why had I let it happen? I hadn't even enjoyed it, not really. I liked playing with her pussy and sucking her nipples but when she pulled on my cock and rammed it into her pussy there was a sinister side that repulsed me. Fucking her with my cock sticking through the opening in my shorts was disconcerting. The act was less than fulfilling to both of us, which was made clear by Paula when she accused me of only being concerned with satisfying my own needs and disregarding her need to come too. The thing that most disturbed me was my failure to tell Ned what happened. He must have known something was bothering me when he drove me back to school on Sunday evening but neither of us brought it up.

When Mr. Borden took me aside to explain that I would not be playing in the game on Friday because of concern about my health, I went berserk. "Go fuck yourself. Fuck this chicken-shit school. You assholes know there ain't nothing wrong with my head. Fuck all of you."

My outburst got the attention of everyone on both practice fields; even the band stopped playing for a few seconds. Mr. Boren had no other choice but to reward my actions with the demerit and a promise of a second one if I didn't immediately start running.

I ran for two solid hours, stopping to walk only when the pain in my chest got so bad that I had to slow down. Why hadn't I told Ned what had happened in the cottage on Saturday night? There was no one at school I could talk to. Bragging to Charlie about it was the last thing I wanted to do and my other roommates wouldn't believe me or would just want to know who the girl was. Running gave me a chance to think but produced no answers.

That night phone privilege restrictions were relaxed so parents could be informed about the J.V. versus freshman game that would precede the main event on Friday. The lines at the public phone booths were long and there were warnings yelled to those who took longer than was thought necessary to ask their parents to arrive early on Friday. I didn't even try to call Ned, something I would later regret.

On Thursday after English class I apologized to Mr. Borden for my name-calling outburst the day before. He said there was nothing he could do about the demerit, but he suggested that declaring regret for my actions to my teammates would go a long way toward restoring my status as a valued team-player. I agreed to do it at practice that day.

What was I thinking? I had never apologized to anyone before. Saying I was sorry to thirty-nine fellow players and three coaches would be the hardest thing I had ever done, especially since I was not really sorry. I needed help...

At lunch I passed a note to Howard Smith, asking him for some ideas as to what to say. Smitty looked at the piece of paper I had handed him and started writing. All the other guys were curious, but Smitty refused to tell them anything. I folded the paper and put in my pocket. When I got a chance to sneak a look at the paper during Social Studies class I found that Smitty had first corrected my spelling in the original note. On the other side of the paper were ten words and a sentence, 'use these words, order is unimportant.' Smitty did not write the speech for me; he only gave me ideas.

That afternoon after warm-up exercises Mr. Borden told everyone that cadet Oldham had something to say. The entire freshman class and three coaches were still in the exercise circle. Colonel Travis was there also, looking on. I had to step to the center of the circle to deliver my speech. That's when I discovered that I had left the paper with the ten words in my uniform shirt pocket.

"I want to apologize for the disruption I caused yesterday. I put my own desires ahead of the team and that was selfish of me. I'm sorry for taking up valuable practice time. That's why I'm going to cut this short. I want you guys to win more than anything." I stopped after using only three of Smitty's words but what I said satisfied everyone.