Chapter 9

Both Vicdaen and Alexander stuck in my mind like boots stuck in mud. Although I tried so hard not to think about Vicdaen's kiss I did and I liked the tingle in my chest that spread outwards to every part of my body. But then I remembered the confused look on Alexander's face, and the wicked look of Vicdaen's.

What was I supposed to do? Which one was I going to choose? I could not love both of them! Vicdaen set my body on fire, said lovely words that calmed my mind, but he could do such things that made annoyance seem like the least appropriate word. Alexander smiled at me and I felt better than I had ever done before, but he was the king... And the king cannot love a simple peasant girl.

I sat in awkward silence until my stomach started to grumble. It said it was time for food. I figured it had gone a couple of hours since I said those horrible words to Goovar and the 'nice' visit by Calem. And as if my stomach had acted like a bell someone came into my tent.

"Good evening, Amram. I'm disappointed to say that you've failed the trials", Wizer Joanja said and drew the blindfold from my eyes. Rays of the evening sun drew tears from my eyes, making them hurt.

"I failed?" I did not even know that the trials had started. Had they started with Bea or Goovar? If I failed, and she sure knew that I would, why had she even attempted them on me? Had she learnt anything useful? I sure had not.

Except that when the rage started to build inside of me I remembered how I had humiliated Goovar. If I had not been blindfolded I could easily have killed her. And Joanja could pull that trigger inside of me by a few well chosen words, and I would not even hesitate to give into the anger.

For the first time in my life I subdued that anger. Instead of seeing Joanja collapse I saw every occasion when someone had died in front of me, just before my eyes. I saw the Wiliji, the rapist officer, and then I saw three more deaths — the first my old school teacher who at the time I was fifteen had clutched his chest and died after an argument with me. The second was a neighbour who dropped down dead when I found him beating his wife senseless. The third one was the priestess daughter who had whored with almost every man in the village and died in a terrible cough-attack when she had said some very nasty words about my mother. They had all been killed by me. No!

How could I ever have done such a thing? There was no restraint in me. Whatever acts all the victims had done the emotions that had filled me had caused me to kill without a blink. And it was wrong, so wrong. I could justify that I killed the rapist, and perhaps even the Wiliji, because they were themselves seeking death, but what of the other three? They had done horrible things, but they could be amended in other ways than by death. I had done great wrongs.

"Good, Amram", said Joanja. "You've improved your control. Very good. You've passed the trials."

"Was this a trial?"

"Yes it was", she said and then bent over to release me from the ropes. She told me I was good. I smiled. That was the only praise I would ever get from Joanja. But it still warmed inside of me, knowing that she thought I had done well.

Bea came into the tent and Goovar followed. An awkward quiet moment passed as I tried to think of what to say to Goovar. I still felt really ashamed of what I had said to her. But as soon as I was to open my mouth Goovar interrupted.

"Don't worry about it, Amram. I know you're sorry. I'm a touch-psychic you know."

The three of them sat down in front of me and started lecturing about how I could improve my control. They talked about meditation and relaxation training. They were just to leave as my eyes started drooping. But there was still something I wanted to ask.

"What about the deathbringer business?"

"There is no such thing as a Deathbringer, Amram", said Bea surprisingly. "It's a far too complex magic to decide when to just kill. What you are experiencing is the magic of life. The easier part of that magic is to kill, but you still have to learn to do life. But the most crucial thing for you to learn right now is to control your feelings. Which you will achieve with meditation — and perhaps you should stay away from Alexander and most certainly stay away from Vicdaen."

"No!" I protested. "Why?"

"You're hot for Vicdaen, and you don't know which one to choose", said Goovar. "If Vicdaen and Alexander weren't having enough problems as it is, maybe it wouldn't matter, but it does. Vicdaen and Alexander are not known to cooperate very well, and you are not helping them. 'Tis best for all three of you if you don't meet any of them again."

Grudgingly I let it pass, but I was not so sure I would mind their wishes. But for the moment, there was a more pushing matter I wanted to ask.

"Why do they call me a Deathbringer, then? If I'm not a Deathbringer, what is a Deathbringer?"

All three of them smiled at me — like I was a child and they were adults who had been asked a very silly question. "It is ancient mythology", said Joanja. "After life had been created by Tree's Gods one of the gods went astray and after a millennium he came back. He was angry because none of the other gods had searched for him. So he left death and destruction in his wake. And he was named Deathbringer. The first one that named you Deathbringer probably had a very bad knowledge of this certain mythology, and nobody cared to adjust the mistake."

"Not even you", I dared to accuse Joanja, throwing a smouldering look her way. It had given me great pain to be called something I felt like I was not, and now that I was free of the label I could finally blame someone.

"Do not blame Joanja for what someone else did wrong, Amram", Bea said sharply. "Say you're sorry."

What was it with older people that could make you feel great regret — or was it disappointment from someone you cared of that was disguised as remorse? But the problem was that I did not feel the least sorry, I could blame her all I wanted and not care of her feelings. And so would Joanja keep doing, and I knew that she could get away with it. No way would Joanja apologise to me, regardless the complexity of the problem.

"I will say that I'm sorry if you say that you at least tried to defend me. Then I will be sorry."

Bea flashed a smile of approval but Goovar looked exhausted and Joanja, she looked like she would blow up anytime. "Well, I didn't, so you can keep your excuse. Go and eat something. You're back to training again tomorrow, no exceptions", she blurted out and left the tent. Goovar followed her, but Bea stayed a bit before saying goodnight to me; remembering me that I under no circumstances should meet Vicdaen and Alexander. I could always try.

When dark fell I found myself an insomniac. I tossed and turned on my thin mattress, my state of awareness never reaching that blessed state of unconsciousness. Faint voices of the guards patrolling camp slipped through the tent's cloth like moths flying softly past my ears, and as annoying as mere flies landing on my nose. I could not sleep. I thought back on my conversation with the Wizers and Bea. How dared they forbid me to see Alexander and Vicdaen?! Determined to disobey them I slipped out of my tent and shied away to the fortress gate. The gate was guarded on the outside by two guards, but neither of them seemed to be fully awake, so I slipped easily past them and walked through the small door in the gate.

As I walked towards the guard-less — where were they? And those who were around, why were they sleeping? — door leading to Alexander's chamber, I heard loud arguing voices, voices talking about me.

"What makes you think that you have firstborn right to her?" That was Vicdaen, the fire in his voice bright and clear, and so hot you could easily get burnt. And so were probably his intentions.

"I've known her a lot longer than you. Amram and I were best friends when we were young, and we would probably be so now, if you only would stay away from her!"

"Perhaps you've known her longer than me, but what was it, ten years since you saw her last? Much happen in that long time. You change, and so does she. And you're the king of Aarenion and she's a lowly peasant."