Chapter 8

Although I more considered Alexander as my best friend than anything else I would have loved to hear him say that he loved me. I loved him, it took all of my willpower not to hug him and whisper it to him every time we met. The longer time we spent together the harder it got to say goodbye.

Once when he was about to leave I tried to hide my disappointment in his short visit. It turned badly. We yelled and I tried to kick him, and then he just left. He did not return for a full week, and I was convinced it was my fault. I treated him like filth to disguise my... love.

When he finally came back he blamed his absence on illness — a cold that had gone really bad — but I did not forgive him. It was another of my attempts to keep my feelings for him inside of me. Of course it did go as bad as any other and he damned me for my 'perseverance to not forgive' him.

I was quite obstinate back then. Perhaps I still am.

When I came spinning out of Alexander's room the soldiers avoided to cross my way. I guess I understand them. I must have been looking blazing mad. I was, but not as mad to kill anybody. I was more annoyed. But I wished I had a personal hitting bag to give a good hard punch. It would have sufficed with punching Vicdaen.

Wizer Joanja walked towards me when I came to the Moonsisters. A black piece of cloth brought my gaze towards her hand. It was a blindfold, and with it she was carrying rope. What was she going to be using those for?

"Nice to see you, Amram. Would you like to join me for supper?"

Supper? That was a word I had never thought someone would speak to me. Dinner or food perhaps, but not supper. It hit me that although Joanja was worth less in birth than me, she sure knew how to behave as if she was worth more than me. But then, I never cared about social manners with Alexander, who was the only one I ever had met with a higher social standing than me — except the village's priestess, the postman, the teacher, the teacher's mother and rest of the family, and then everybody else, but I never cared for any of them.

"Supper? Why not?" I answered and added after a glance: "Wizer Joanja."

"Good."

Joanja led the way to her tent. While I followed her I wondered what she had in mind with inviting me for supper. She could not enjoy my company, that was for sure, and she would not do it to oblige Goovar. She was up to something and the most frightening reason came to mind. Was she going to kill me?

I would have a big laugh about it later but then I was scared to death, imagining her binding me up and blindfolding me and then gutter me while I cried for some attention nobody would give me. But then, I knew she did not like me, but I hoped I was in higher esteem than just a piece of meat in her way.

"Enjoying your thoughts?" she surprised me.

"Huh?"

"Your thoughts of me killing you... I know were not fond of each other, Amram, but I have no wish to kill you."

"Uhun. How did you know?"

"How do you think I knew?"

"You're a telepath... Hey, that's not fair!"

"It's fair. I have a fair chance to know if you're going to kill me if you get mad at me. Then I will know, and I can make a run for it." She smiled at me. We stopped in front of Joanja's tent.

"You're not the type of person that seems to flee from the slightest danger."

"Slightest? You're a dangerous magical creature, Amram. And that needs to be seen to." With that she opened her tent and showed me no sign of food at all. By the way, it was not her tent either. I knew her tent was big and lay next to Goovar's tent — Yes, I knew where Goovar had her tent, awful thought. This was my tent!

"What..."

The air flew out of my lungs as Joanja knocked me over and started tying my hands together. I got a good kick at her leg, but she just slapped my face and then after she made sure I could sit comfortably on the ground she sealed my eyes away from the world.

"I thought it was soup as usual for dinner, not me", I tried to laugh.

"I'm sorry, Amram, that I fooled you but... You're too dangerous to be walking around in camp like you've never killed two persons, one of which was a good soldier of this army."

"Two? No, only one..."

"Vicdaen told me that you killed the Wiliji in the fortress. I could figure it out by myself anyway, since you're always thinking about it. So, we have to keep you here in your tent, and we'll do a couple of experiments, trials, on you. This will not start today."

"How am I supposed to stay here? What if I need to do some business... ? Hrm."

"I'm sure someone will help you if you call, now goodnight."

When she had left me in my tent, with hands tied at my back and eyes blindfolded, I started yelling. I could not believe that she would leave me here like this. It had to be a joke, but then Joanja never laughed by herself. She could be amused, but I never heard her laugh.

When I was sore in my throat, and nobody even came when I called for someone to let me loose so I could go and have a private moment, I quieted down a bit. I moaned in my stupid situation, but then again I could handle it. I knew my bed had to be to the right of me so I tried to scoot over a bit and soon I landed on my not so soft bed.

"Oh, hello, Amram", a familiar voice said. "Let me help you", Bea said.

With help I thought of her releasing me and taking of the blindfold, but she just helped me lie down on my stomach and pulled the duvet up over me.

"Couldn't you just untie me?" I asked of her but she did not reply my question.

"Have you never wondered what would happen if you killed someone you loved? Of course, by accident it would be, but it's a possible situation. You should take this as a good opportunity to learn to control your emotions, because they are what are helping you in your killings."

"I wouldn't do that..." I would not kill someone I loved. Or could something affect me that badly to make me take out the consequences on someone I loved?

"I know what happened today between you, Vicdaen and Alexander. You were mad, weren't you?"

"Not that mad. Not so angry I could kill."

"Twice you've killed in self-defence, but what if something really triggered your anger or hate. And picture that Alexander is nearby, and you looked the wrong way... isn't there a possibility that you could harm him, instead of what made you so angry?"

I knew I had problems, but I never thought they were this major. I had imagined that there were two possibilities with this magic and power I had felt the last month: either it disappeared or I could use it as a defence against threats. But now I knew I had to get used to it, learn to control it or I would do serious harm against people I cared deeply for. After the day we had fought the Wilijies I had been spat in my face and that alone had triggered the dark magic to almost kill. If Bea had not stopped me then, I would have killed not just once or twice but three times.

If Alexander was in the way I could easily kill him. If Vicdaen pulled more of his tricks on me I could kill him, and that would be a shame because I liked him as well.

"That could happen, yes", I answered finally.

"Good... Then, have a good night's sleep."

In the morning I was awakened briskly by Goovar. She said that she would help me with 'business' — as I called it — and then with breakfast. It made me uneasy that she was to be the one to help me with that, and I almost asked her to send one of the other girls to help me, which probably would refuse, but I bit down on it.