Chapter 7

True to it's word, the voice had left me. At first, I thought it was just being silent, but later, that night, I thought that I could sense it's absence from my head. I felt alone. In some ways, that feeling was a relief, but, in other ways, I felt more vulnerable. What if I did something different that it really didn't like, and it just snuffed me out without any warning? It wasn't a very good feeling, but there was nothing that I could do about it.

I went to work on Saturday, early again, and Mr. Stopak said he wasn't feeling well and needed to go somewhere. He asked me to close up the store at six that evening if he hadn't returned. This hadn't happened in my first time through, and it really worried me. I spent the whole day, nervous as a cat, trying to take care of cleaning the market and tending to the register and people's questions too. There were boxes of new products to be priced and put up on the shelf, but Mr. Stopak hadn't given me the prices to put on anything. Mr. Stopak returned at five forty five, but his face was all gray and faded looking. I'd seen people get like that when they had a heart condition or when their lungs weren't pumping enough oxygen to their hearts. He didn't look good. I told him about not being able to find the prices for the product, but he told me not to worry about it. He even thanked me for doing as well as I had done. That never happened the last time I worked for him either.

"Jim, can you come in and open up at seven on Monday morning? I have an appointment that I need to keep. You can keep the keys that I gave you, use them to open up on Monday. I should be back in the early afternoon, or else I'll phone you."

"Sure Mr. Stopak, I'll be here. What about deliveries and things like that?" While Mr. Stopak had been gone, the bread guy had come in and I'd paid him out of the till, and put the receipt under the drawer in the register. I'd showed him what I had done, and he had nodded that it was okay.

"Look, Jim, I'm not feeling too good. Do the best that you can. If something comes up that you can't handle, tell them to come back when I'm here. I'm not expecting any big deliveries Monday." I told him that I'd do my best.

The next Monday, Carolyn came in with little Paulie and Brenda, and bought some bread and a dozen eggs. She seemed surprised to find me working at the market. She said hello, but it seemed strained, and it was uncomfortable for both of us. Her brother and sister were delighted to see me however, and Brenda asked me if we were going back to the playground again. I watched them leave, and wished, once again, that I hadn't pushed things like I had. The way that things had turned out, I hadn't gained anything by the stand that I had taken.

I was busy in the store all day, and when Mr. Stopak didn't come back or call me, I closed up and locked everything at six and went home. The next morning I went and opened up by six forty five, and, when Mr. Stopak came in at seven, everything was ready for business. He apologized for not calling me, but said that he wasn't able to get to a phone. He thanked me again for taking care of things for him. His color wasn't any better, and it was far worse than I remembered it being my first time through. He was an old man, maybe mid to late sixties, but in the last few days, he had started looking much older. Whatever was bothering him, it looked pretty serious. He didn't volunteer what the problem was, and I didn't ask him. He kept me working all day, and he spent most of his time in the back, taking it easy. With him in the store, I got everything priced and put up on the shelves. Because it was between paydays for military people, our business wasn't that good. Usually it was people buying milk, eggs or bread. Sometimes a bag of potatoes or some rice or canned vegetables. Things to fill out a meal rather than a full list of groceries.

At five thirty, Carolyn came into the market by herself and started wandering around looking at things on the shelves. She didn't pick anything up to purchase, just walked around looking for the half hour before closing. At five til six, Mr. Stopak came out from the back and asked me if I could close up for him. He went into the register and took out most of the large bills and stuffed them into his front pocket. He asked me to come in again and open up for him, because he might be late himself. When he left, I turned off the lights and went out and started getting the doors ready for locking. Carolyn had left the store when Mr. Stopak had come up to the counter, but she was waiting for me outside.

"Jimmy, can I talk to you?" She asked it like she really expected me to tell her no.

"Sure. There's no reason why we can't talk to each other Carolyn. I'm not mad at you or anything."

"You aren't? It sure seemed like you were."

"I was upset, that's all. It just shocked me that you had a different relationship with Ralph than I'd thought."

"I told you before that he and I did it, Jimmy."

"I know you did, Carolyn. It's just that you made it sound like he kind of forced you to do it with him."

"He did. You mean that you were surprised that I didn't mind any of the other things that we did? I thought that you understood that, Jimmy. I didn't try to hide that I liked the other stuff that we did. It was only him putting it in me that I did mind."

"Well guess I just misunderstood you then. I don't see that it makes that much of a difference in this case, because my problem isn't with what happened in the past. It's about what you're planning on doing for the future."

"I told you that I wasn't even sure my self what I'd do. I'm thinking about what I should do. He isn't even coming until next month. By then, I'll know what I'm going to do."

"Yes, and that's the problem that I'm having. You still have to think about what you want to do."

"You never said what it is that you think I should do. You're disappointed that I don't have it all figured out, but it isn't just as simple as you seem to think it is. Ralph is family, and it was two years ago that it happened. He's older now, and I'm older too. I can stand up to him better now, and keep him in line. I didn't think that he and I would just jump back like we were two summers ago. I planned on telling him that I didn't want to do anything like we did before."

"That sure isn't what you said before, Carolyn."

"I know it isn't. I didn't say it right before. What I meant was that I like doing things with you, and I didn't know how to talk to Ralph to let him know that I didn't want to do things with him any more."

I wanted to believe her. That isn't what she had said before. Mostly, it was the way that she had been talking, almost like it was inevitable that she and Ralph would fool around, but that she hoped to keep him from getting her pregnant. She didn't seem that concerned, at least not to me, about anything but him screwing her, and getting her pregnant. One thing was very clear to me though, and that was that she didn't want it to be over between she and I.

I knew that I wanted to explore our relationship, or whatever it was, further too. I could just accept her position, what she was saying now, at face value, and continue with her, or else I could continue talking with her, and try to get her pinned down on all of the possibilities that might occur during Ralph's visit. I was jealous, but, perhaps, it was a little bit premature for me to be thinking that she was being unfaithful. Maybe she really hadn't come to a decision about how to tell Ralph to leave her alone. She said that that was what she was trying to decide, not how much to fool around with him when he came. My brain, my heart and my dick were all at odds with each other. Staying away from her would only appease my brain. Getting back with her would help my heart and my dick right away, and possibly, later on, my brain. My choice seemed clear cut.

"I'm sorry that I misunderstood you Carolyn. I thought that you were saying that you were wanting to do things with Ralph too."

"I have to get back home for supper, Jimmy. Will you come over later so that we can go for a walk? Let's just pretend that Ralph isn't going to visit, for now at least." I noticed that she didn't answer my unspoken question and try to reassure me about her and Ralph, and her not wanting to do things with him.

"I'll be over after eight thirty Carolyn. We can take a walk and talk some more." We were close by her house when we finished our little talk, and I watched her as she hurried back inside. I had shown more flexibility with Carolyn than I'd ever shown at any time in my past life with anyone. Part of this was due to the fact that I still thought like a mature man who was being offered access to a young and firm body without too many strings being attached. Another part of it was that I sincerely wanted to develop a real relationship with a woman. Most of it was me wanting to get more sex from Carolyn, while the getting was good.

Both of my parents were pleased with how many hours of work I was getting. I told them that I thought it was just a temporary thing until Mr. Stopak was feeling better. I ate my dinner with pleasure, surprising my parents by expressing opinions on the topics they were discussing as dinner conversation. In my other time through, I seldom participated in these conversations, usually just eating and bolting from the table right after finishing. When we were done with eating and talking, I told my mom to go relax in the living room and I'd do the dishes for her. She was both pleased and shocked by my offer, which she readily accepted. It only took me fifteen minutes to clear and clean the dining room table and to wash, dry and put away the dishes, glasses and pans. My mom treated it like I'd single handedly added on a room to a house or something. I made a note to myself to offer to do things like that more often in the future.