Chapter 24

I spent the next week pretty much by myself. I had spoken with Connie twice during the week. The first time, over the telephone on Monday, after she had gotten home from school, and then again on Wednesday, when I ran into her at the public library. It was becoming more and more obvious to me that she was making an attempt to recapture the lifestyle that she'd enjoyed before her sexual awakening. We ended our Wednesday conversation with me agreeing to not try to contact her for awhile. She was apologetic about asking me for this, but she said that she felt that, in some ways, her future was put at risk by associating further with me.

The voice had been quiet during all of this time. I sensed that he was there, but I didn't try to contact him either. I didn't go flying that week, preferring instead to stay close to home and to help my mother. My father was at sea on his ship, and would be gone for two full months. I drove my mother to all of the places that she needed to go to, and tried to help her to become adjusted to my dad's absence. We found her two churches that had weekly bingo games, and I gave her rides to and from the church, so that she could enjoy getting out and doing something for herself.

My mom had joined a group of women that met weekly at a sewing center in Brea. They all would attend a class where experts came in and taught them how to use all of the accessories on the sewing machines. I ended up buying a new machine for my mother. She had owned an old Singer portable, but her new machine was capable of doing a lot more. She tried to tell me all the new things it could do, but I told her that she was providing me with information that was as useful and interesting to me, as what my father's explaining different kinds of fish hooks would be to her. She stopped explaining then, and thanked me once again for buying that wonderful sewing machine for her.

That Saturday night, Connie surprised me by calling me at home. She said that she was bored, and asked me if I could come over to take her out for a Coke or something. I drove over to get her, and then we went to a hamburger joint and ordered two Cokes and a large French fries. We sat inside the crowded restaurant, talking about school and other safe topics.

Neither of us brought up anything about what she had told me on Wednesday. Just when we began to run out of safe topics, Connie came out and asked me whether I had gone out with anyone else on Friday night.

"No, I stayed home, and got caught up on my reading. How about you?"

"I went out with a boy from school, to a movie. I thought that I should tell you that."

"I want you to enjoy yourself. Senior year in high school, there's a lot going on. You don't want to miss out on it."

"I spent most of the time, when I was out on my date, thinking about you, Jimmy, and wondering what you were doing. I got jealous, worrying about whether you were out on a date too. When I see you, I keep thinking that we shouldn't be going out together. When I don't see you, I wish that you were with me. Right now, I wish we were parked at the river, but I don't want to go there with you. I'm all mixed up, and I don't know what to do."

"Connie, I wish I had a simple answer for you. I think that part of the problem is that you connect me with what's happening with you and your body right now. It might have been me who first got you thinking about some new things, but you're going to be thinking about them anyway now, with or without me. It was just your time for awakening to that part of your life."

"You don't think that I can go back to how it used to be?"

"Can you go back to not having breasts, or stop menstruating? You are maturing. What you feel, that is just a stage in the process. It's natural. Rather than try to hide it, or to make it go away, you should be embracing it. I'm not real religious, but it seems to me that those pleasures that we get, are like a gift from God, to each of us. We should appreciate it. I think that, once you get used to it, you'll find that it isn't as intrusive on your lifestyle as it seems right now. It's new, you'll become used to it, and it will be incorporated as a small part of your entire being."

"Suppose I want them to go away?"

"You can deny that those needs exist, try to ignore them. Put yourself in situations where they aren't as strong. It will be like trying to hide from a big part of yourself, but many people have done it. If you find a substitute, that might work."

"What kind of a substitute?" I could see that she was interested in anything that might take her sexual feelings away.

"Some people use food as a substitute. Whenever they get the urge, they go eat a candy bar or a dough nut or a bowl of ice cream. Anything, to substitute for that craving that they don't want to have."

"Does it work?"

"Well, it doesn't work in the beginning, but, after awhile it does. You start confusing one craving for the other, and they kind of blend together for you. Later on, you get fat, and then, get self conscious about your weight, which helps to kill off some of your interest too."

"I don't want to get fat."

"Then, you better learn to just accept who you are, and what's happening to you right now. It's only a part of who you are, you have to quit pretending that it is the most important part. Don't define who you are by any one part of you. You are a sexual being, so are 99% of the rest of us in our age group. Learn how to handle these new feelings. Let them be a small part of your life. Don't magnify their importance to the point where it overwhelms you."

"Is that what you did?"

"I think so. It doesn't seem so important to me, unless I'm in certain situations. Then, it seems very important, and I sometimes feel overwhelmed too. It goes away though, when I'm not in those situations."

"How about right now?"

"Right now is one of those situations. But, sitting here right now, it isn't overwhelming. To be overwhelming, I'd need a more opportune location. There are levels of excitement. Right now it isn't that high a level."

"Right now it's high for me, Jimmy. That's what worries me the most, that I can't control it."

"I can help you with that, from my own personal experience. Think of what you want to do, and then imagine your parents walking in on you while you're doing that. Try it, and see if it doesn't work." She gave a small shudder of revulsion. "Did you picture it?"

"It worked, but I'm still thinking about things, just not as much."

"Well, you never completely stop. That is just one way to make things reasonable, so that you can handle it. I knew a girl who would think about getting pregnant, and that scared her enough to stop her from doing things, most of the time."

"Did she get pregnant?"

"No, she never did. She died when she was only sixteen."

"That's terrible. Did you know her well?"

"Yes, in fact, I loved her." Connie reacted to that by drawing back on her side of the booth. "Did that high level just drop down to nothing for you?"

"Yes, it did. I stopped thinking about it." She had paused before answering, thinking about my question.

"It is manageable, Connie, you just have to set your mind to it."

"We should go, Jimmy. I do feel better now, thank you." I got up out of the booth and took her hand to help her to get up too. We walked out of the restaurant, still holding hands. We got in the car and drove over to her house, where I parked and turned off my headlights. Connie asked me to turn on the radio, and we sat there, listening to music, and having some companionable silence between us. "What would happen to us if we started kissing? Would my high level come back?"

"I would hope so. I know that mine would. If it does, then when we finish kissing, you can just go inside, and let the level calm down on it's own, or, if you want to, you can go where it's private for you, and raise it to an even higher level, by yourself."

"Is that what you do?"