Chapter 23

We ended our picnic a short time later, without any further excitement. We packed up our trash, and decided to go out exploring on my bike. It was a fun time, made especially so, by having Connie riding behind me, holding on, and enjoying the ride. We got back to her house at nearly five, exhilarated by the freedom of being out riding through the countryside. Now that I'd cooled down from my earlier sexual frenzy, I was just as happy that we hadn't continued our explorations on the towels. I gave Connie a few kisses in front of her house, and told her to be ready to go by one o'clock the next day.

"Come in your car tomorrow, Jimmy. I've had enough riding on the motorcycle, for right now at least." I nodded to her that I had heard what she had said. I liked riding the bike, and I preferred it to my car. I guess that it was the newness of it. I got back up on it, after she went into her house, and rode home.

Aren't you happier now, knowing that you held back, Jimmy? It was far too soon for you to be advancing to that level of intimacy with her. She would have felt that she'd simply given in to her animal urges, rather than that she'd decided to give herself to a man that she was in love with. To a woman, that makes a large difference. To a man, that distinction tends to matter less.

<I can't speak for all men, but speaking just for myself, I was ready for it right then, and right there. In my opinion, so was she. If you get your way, she'll never be ready for it, at least, not with me.>

You have no experience with the normal, everyday, nice girls, Jimmy. Before Connie, you've only known flowers that were already in full bloom. Connie will need much more time and care before you finally pluck her from her stem.

<Spare me any more of your analogies. She is a young woman, and her body already knows what it wants and needs. Her mind will catch up to her body, if you will just back off and allow her follow her instincts.>

If you really believe that, if you thought she was ready, then why did you stop?

<Because you weren't ready for it to happen. I didn't want you doing anything to stop me if I went ahead with it.>

I half believe you, which means that you only half believe yourself. Jimmy, with time, it will be a better, richer, experience for both of you. You are right though, in alleging that Connie's body is pushing her to further intimacies with you. The stimulation for this though, is her own mind, which has now taken up the sensual triggers that you unleashed in her when you began your role playing game with her. You've managed to strike a chord with her that never emerged from her before. It is because this never occurred during her last time through, that I didn't anticipate it. It isn't, in my opinion, a positive development for her. It must have been the terrible trauma that she experienced from the rapes that prevented this side of her from awakening and developing naturally before. I knew that she would be greatly altered if the rapes didn't occur, but this isn't what I had expected.

<Are you saying that her not being raped might actually be bad for her future life?>

I'm saying that it could very well keep her from even entering into the key relationship that made her future life so productive, and resulted in her positive impact on the lives of so many others. Her husband before had been picked by her precisely because he was sexually not threatening to her. It is unlikely now, given the rapid development in changing her fantasy into reality, that she will still seek out someone like her husband. Without him, all of the rest becomes far less likely to occur.

<Well, I guess you screwed up then, didn't you? How are you going to fix it?>

With you, of course, Jimmy. You have always been my reserve piece in this little chess game. I didn't know what adjustments this drastic change in experience might necessitate, but I did know that it would bring some need for me to push it back in line to allow her to regain her previous pathways.

<I'm starting to wonder just how well you've thought any of this out. Wasn't it you who told me that some changes would have consequences that would be too extreme to allow you to consider altering them? It sounds to me, from what you're now saying, that preventing Connie's rape might qualify as one of those prohibited changes.>

Who do you think is the best judge of that, Jimmy?

<I know that you believe that you are. I hope, for Connie's sake, that you're right.>

I find it disconcerting that you would doubt my ability to contain this in a satisfactory manner. Haven't I demonstrated with you that I can alter events almost at my will?

<Sure, if it's convenient for you to do so. I did notice though, that when things don't go the way that you thought they should have, you're quick to make excuses so that others take the blame.>

I've already explained to you about Mr. Stopak and Carolyn's deaths, and about why Donna's infidelity happened. I know that you hold me responsible for not preventing those three things, but it was more complex than you know. I told you that either you or Donna would have to undertake the role of being the bad guy, but you failed to follow through in breaking up with her when you had the opportunity. Had you done so, there wouldn't have been any problem.

<That is what you say, but, you could have handled things a lot differently, knowing that it was important to me. At the very least, you could have told me that Donna was going out to dinner with Tom.>

Jimmy, what's past is past. Connie needs both of us right now. You need to concentrate on doing the best that you can with the situation that is currently in front of you.

I wasn't satisfied with any part of his explanations. Given the powers that the voice had already demonstrated to me, he could have protected my interests far better than he had. I was miffed at what he had allowed to occur with Donna, but I would never really forgive what he'd allowed to happen to Carolyn. I had thought about that many times over the past four plus months since her death. Since he seemed to know my every thought, he knew what I was thinking about that situation too. This was the first time that he'd brought Carolyn's death up in a long time. Perhaps he'd waited, thinking that I'd just forget about her, and about her death. If that was his plan, it wasn't working. I'd never forget Carolyn, and I would always hold him responsible.

It won't help to constantly rehash what cannot be changed. It was her fate. The likelihood that I could have intervened was always minuscule. I will admit that I might have mislead you on that score, by making it seem like I was more optimistic than I actually was.

<Keep listening to my thoughts. I'm not planning on changing them just because you're sensitive to legitimate criticism. That doesn't mean that I don't appreciate what you've made possible for me, because I do. I'd have been willing to give up most of it though, if you could have helped Carolyn.>

Fair enough. Think what you will. I try to do the best that I can. Unlike you, I have to accept that some things aren't possible, given other, more important, constraints. There is a big picture, Jimmy, and someone has to see what it is, and keep it intact.

<Sure, but, of course, if someone has to be disappointed about getting something that they want, it's never going to be you, is it?>

It amazes me that you believe that, Jimmy. Show me one example of a time that I have placed my own interests above yours.

<Back in Washington, when you almost threw me in front of that big truck.>

A lesson to you only. You needed to understand that you had to stay within set limits, that you couldn't simply act on your own, selfish desires.

<You said that you almost killed me.>

An exaggeration. You were not in any danger. I was merely proving a point to you.

I had arrived back home, I took care of parking my bike and went inside. Tiny and my father were both sitting in the living room, having a beer, and discussing fishing again. My mom was in the sewing room with Terri, showing her a new pattern that she was trying to make a dress from for the first time.

I went up to my room, after telling everyone hello, and sprawled out on my bed. I was angry with the voice. He could tell me anything that he chose to, and I was forced to believe him, because I had no way to check up on him, to find out if he was telling me the truth. Later, he could simply change his story, and then I still had to believe the new story. The worst part of it, was my realizing that I was still better off than before, whether he was lying to me, or telling me the truth.

Had the voice purchased my cooperation by granting me this second chance? And, was he taking care of things for me only because he wanted to keep me around doing his bidding? What was I to the voice? That was really the question that troubled me the most.

He had been around me long enough that I was starting to notice some inconsistencies between what he said and what he did. They were minor slip ups on his part, but more and more, I was beginning to see them, and keep them in my memory. He had already let slip that he had been following my life throughout my last time through. Why had he done that? Nothing had happened to me that was important to anyone but me in my last lifetime. Why did he choose to follow me then? If I wasn't important to the time line, what was I important for? I fell asleep, still troubled by the fact that I wasn't close to having any answers to any of these questions yet. I slept from six that afternoon, until about ten the following morning. People don't normally sleep in sixteen hour stretches, not normal, healthy people.

I drove over to pick up Connie, and we went over and rented the same two horses as last time. This time, I knew how to ride. Other than a light chafing on the inner thighs, I stayed pretty comfortable the whole time. I even galloped with Connie, and got to enjoy seeing her riding with happy abandon. Not having to nursemaid me all of the time, allowed her to enjoy her own ride much more. When we returned the horses, and got back into my car, she attacked me with kisses, thanking me for taking her out riding again. I started the car up and we drove over to the Mexican restaurant in Stanton. This time, I ordered the chicken and rice dinner with beans. Connie ordered a big combination plate with several different kinds of items on it. Some of them were items that we had shared the week before, but she got a big fried chile too. She said that the chile rellano was very good. I took her word for it, although it didn't look all that appetizing to me. Again we stayed at the restaurant, talking until it got dark outside, before we left.

"Jimmy, let's go park by the river. I've got something that I want to tell you, in private." I drove towards the river. It was pretty private in the Caddy, I thought, but I didn't say anything to her. I'd let her say what she wanted to, when she was ready to say it. We pulled into our usual spot, facing the puddle. I turned off the lights, and turned the key, so that we could still listen to the radio. "Can you turn off the radio too, Jimmy?" I turned the key back to off again. "I'm not sure where I want to begin, Jimmy, I've been thinking about what I want to say to you, ever since yesterday, before we left the picnic area. It's still confusing me, because you've changed things around for me."

"Connie, whatever you want to tell me, it's all right. Really. You don't have to be worried about telling me anything, so go ahead, whenever you're ready."

"Well, first off, it scares me when you and I are alone lately. Because of me, not you. You've been wonderful that way, Jimmy, and I haven't felt pressured by anything that you've said or done. No, it's me. Something has happened to me, and I don't know why. I can't understand why it's like this, all of a sudden, either, but, it is."

"What is?"

"These feelings I'm having, and the thoughts that I'm thinking now. It isn't like me, at all. I've been thinking just like one of those girls that don't care a thing about their reputations, or about their futures. If I told you what I've been thinking, or what I've been doing, you would understand what I mean. I'm turning into the worst sort of common person, and I don't know what to do to begin to change it back to the way it was before. I told myself that we would go out today, this last time, and that I'd behave myself with you, and tell you afterwards that we can't see each other any more. For both of our sakes. You think that I'm a nice girl, but, that's just not true anymore."