Chapter 8

Pandora sat in his lap, silent and thoughtful, not moving.

Gabriel held her, not speaking, wordlessly giving her time to reflect.

"I ... I didn't expect that." When he finally spoke, his voice was rough, and he had to stop to clear his throat. "I don't know what to say."

"Me either. I mean ... of course you didn't expect it. How could you? Are ... are you okay?" she asked hesitantly.

Gabriel looked thoughtful. "I ... think so. Probably. I hadn't expected it, but ... it was ... it was good to see her again, even if it was just for a little while. I knew she'd like you."

She shifted her weight, soft butt coming in contact with cold stone floor, and flushed. "I'm sorry ... oh god your poor knees must be on fire..."

Gabriel shrugged. "It's okay." He hesitated for a moment. "Are ... are you okay?"

"I'm ... yeah, I'm okay. I ... don't know what to say. Or do. Or even feel, really. But I'm okay. Come on ... let's get out of the floor."

"Okay. Why don't we go lay down?"

She nodded silently.

Gabriel stood up, lifting her with him, and carried her back up to the bedroom. He set her gently on the bed, then laid down beside her.

Pandora pressed up against him, still somber and quiet.

Gabriel stroked her hair. "I never could predict what Lissa was going to do, but still ... I never would have expected that."

"You should have gone back there before."

"I couldn't." He sighed. "Not until you gave me the courage."

"I ... I don't know what to do now. What do you want me to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Um ... just what I said. I ... how does this change things?"

Gabriel didn't answer immediately. Finally, he said, "I don't think it does, at least as far as I'm concerned."

"Shouldn't it?" she asked softly.

"I ... I don't know. She's right. We couldn't really be together right now, no matter what, and ... and I don't want to give you up."

Pandora shuddered, closing her eyes in relief. "I ... good. I don't want you to."

"Does it bother you?"

"Some," she admitted. "It was ... a shock. I don't know, really, how to deal with it, you know? And it scares me ... it was so unexpected, and I don't know what it might do to you, how it might affect us. And I feel like slime for worrying about myself at all in a situation like this, but I can't stop doing so."

Gabriel sighed, but didn't speak, just held and caressed her for several minutes. Finally he said, "In a way, I guess I have to admit she'd have always been a part of our relationship. Maybe that's not fair to you, but ... at least this way, we know how she feels."

"I knew she would be. I ... I'd kinda, well, got used to that idea. Accepted it. Because, after all ... she couldn't really threaten me. Not when she was gone. I knew I'd never really be able to live up to her memory, because people always remember what's gone as closer to perfect than real-life can match, but I was okay with that ... but I ... I never saw a picture. I didn't realize that she looked like that. And seeing her after you told me all the things you did together... " She looked away unhappily, and whispered, "I didn't realize what I had to compete with, I really didn't. If I had ... I don't think I ever would have had the nerve to even try."

"Honey... " He stared at her for a moment. "You didn't know?"

She blinked away tears and shook her head. "I didn't know. I h--had no clue. I thought ... thought you were shy. I didn't realize that ... that you just ... that no one could live up to that..."

He shook his head. "No, I mean that ... look, for all the ways that Lissa and I were compatible, she was not my ideal body type. Yeah, she was beautiful, but ... well, look. I really, really, really like tits, okay?"

"But ... she was so ... so elegant. And tall. And thin..."

Gabriel nodded. "Too thin, really. That wasn't just my opinion, either. Would you believe she actually tried to gain weight? But no matter what she did, a few weeks later she'd be skinny as a rail again."

She looked skeptical. "Honey ... every woman in America would like to have that problem. I mean ... my mother would have adored her. She ... she was a perfect model. No 'specialty' lines for her; the french designers would fight over her."

Gabriel shrugged. "Maybe so, but my ideal woman ... well, you're pretty much it. There are things I always wanted to try that were just not possible with Lissa."

"O-oh." She smiled up at him tentatively. "R-really?" she asked shyly.

Gabriel nodded. "Yeah." He chuckled. "Want to know something that's either funny or sad, or maybe both?"

Pandora rubbed her cheek against his chest. "Mmm?"

"Well, when we got to talking about it, Lissa and I realized that we have more or less the same taste in women."

"That's ... kind of ... weird."

"Tell me about it. We actually went down to the mall and went girl-watching together once." He chuckled. "It was a surreal experience."

"Not as surreal as the past 24 hours," she said fervently.

"Mmm. Okay, you have a point there. A good one." He chuckled again. "Did you realize what she was really asking, when she asked if you minded her watching?"

Pandora looked away, uncomfortable. "I don't know."

"She was really asking if you minded her enjoying watching."

"It'd seem ... selfish to object. But the thought is also ... kind of sad, too."

He sighed. "I know. Unless ... I don't know. Can ghosts masturbate?"

"Um ... you're the ... uh ... cat-elf-vampire-alien thing. You'd be more likely to know than me."

Gabriel laughed. "Hey, I've only been one for ... um ... what, ten hours or so? How would I know?"

Pandora cuddled closer to him, smiling. "More than I would, anyway. You know what really is the weirdest?"

"What?"

"I ... after everything that's happened, I ought to be freaking out. Or something. The weirdest thing is that I'm just ... laying here, calmly, after hearing and seeing everything that I have, instead of ... of running like hell, or screaming, or going catatonic."

"If you ought to be freaking out, what should I be doing? I mean, at least you're still human."

She shrugged. "Well, you're better than human, so I don't see a problem."

"Still ... it's a big change." He stroked her hair. "I'm glad you were here. It helped."

"I am too. Glad I mean." She frowned. "I ... have to wonder though ... how much of the calm I feel is real? And how much of it is you ... what you are now ... influencing me?"

Gabriel pursed his lips. "I don't know. I hadn't even thought about that."

"I have," she said softly. "A lot, actually. I mean ... things happened so fast, and it's hard to really explain how ... how strongly I feel now except for ... well ... magic ... so I had to wonder if... " She shrugged. "But it doesn't matter. I want it, anyway. Magic or not, real is real."

Gabriel nodded. "I know. Even if this is the result of magic, I don't want to give it up."

"It does scare me ... I mean ... I don't know what I might do anymore, not really. I already know that I can't leave you ... I'm afraid that I couldn't no matter what. No matter what you did, or wanted me to do, or how you treated me ... I'd still want you. That's ... really scary," she admitted.

"Yeah. It would be." He kissed her forehead. "Is there anything I can do to make it not scary?"

She was silent for a long moment before finally shaking her head. "No, I don't think so. Because ... well ... this is new to you, too. You can't promise me you won't change ... because you don't know. You can't promise you won't have to hurt me ... that some need that you don't know about won't make it happen whether you want to or not. You ... really can't make any promises to me right now, at all, because you ... we don't know what you are, and what needs come along with being that. And it's the uncertainty which terrifies me. In a way, I guess she's right ... better to know for sure you'll hurt me, so that I can at least be prepared for it, maybe try to find some way to make it not hurt."

Gabriel looked away, face tight. "Know that I'll hurt you?"

Pandora shrugged uncomfortably.

"With ... other women, you mean?"

Again the tight shrug.

"I would never deliberately hurt you like that."

"I know. But she was married to you for a long time. Your best friend. And she seems to think that you couldn't stop yourself."

Gabriel sighed. "Yeah. She does. And she's right. The kind of girl who would be most likely to get to me would be the quiet, shy types. I don't want to think I'd ever do anything like that to you, though. I'd like to think I have more self-control that that. More self-respect than to cheat on you."

"A quiet, shy girl wouldn't throw herself willingly at someone who was already attached, unless she was also the type who just didn't care about hurting someone. If you'd fall for that... " She shook her head. "Yeah, that'd hurt. And if you gave in to someone who wouldn't normally be willing to hurt someone to have you, then ... well, that's slimy. Not just to me. To her, too." She looked away. "I don't want to talk about this. For all I know, you have to have hordes of women, and that's why you have the aphrodisiac thing going on ... except ... it's not with me, anymore... " she said, her eyes getting wide. "I mean ... it can be, but ... I can turn it off when I'm hurt, or angry or scared ... which would mean ... what? That it thinks you don't need me anymore? Since ... you've already got me and I can't get away? It's a ... a lure, a trap ... not just a side-effect?"

Gabriel looked at where his aura met hers. "I ... don't know. Except ... when it was happening, my aura was ... trying to touch you, reaching out for you. But now it's, like ... braided with yours, or something. Maybe it's the ... the constant contact? Maybe it's something you get used to?"

She shrugged again. "Maybe. At least I can think now, even if I don't have any more options than before. And ... I can let it affect me, I think."

"Options?"

"Like I said ... I need you. It's ... the idea of leaving is ... well, nothing else could possibly hurt that bad."

Gabriel didn't say anything for a while. "I ... what do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. I don't want to change it, even if it scares me. Even if I were certain it would hurt me, I wouldn't want to change it. It'd still be worth it."

Gabriel said, hesitantly, "I don't want to hurt you."

"But you will, is that what you're saying? Please ... I'd rather just know, okay?"

"I don't know. I want to think I wouldn't ... but Lissa knew me ... knows me better than I do. If she says I'll give in ... I'd like to think she's wrong. But if she's not ... how do I keep from hurting you?"

"If you have to do it, you have to do it. I'll get used to it. Just don't ... I... " She rolled away from him, hiding her face in the pillow. "I ... I could be second to her. I was willing to give you up for her, to step back, aside, whatever ... but if you ever put someone else ahead of me, expect me to ... to take second place so some new little toy you didn't even know, I ... I ... you'll break me. I'll still be here, but I won't be me, not anymore. I'll be something I hate, instead."

Gabriel reached out, tugging on her shoulder. "Pandora ... love ... no. Never. I don't ever want to put someone ahead of you. If you don't want me to do it, I'll do my best not to, and if I ... if I slip, I'll beg you to forgive me."

Pandora was tense against him, shaking. "I just don't understand. I k ... know you too!" she wailed. "After last night, I do. And I c--can't see you ever being willing to hurt me j--just for sex. I just don't understand it! Unless for some reason you really, really need it, and if that's it, then I don't even have any right to be hurt."