Chapter 22

Pandora blushed suddenly, bright red. "I ... can I ... is there a bathroom I can use first?" She turned pleading eyes up to Angel. "Please?"

"Now, pet, why would you want that?"

She cringed, wrapping her arms around herself and lowering her head to hide her face.

"Love? Why does it embarrass you? If you hadn't gotten turned on from that, I'd be worried." He smiled. "It's okay, really." He looked at Angel with a silent plea for support.

"I kn ... know, but ... please?" she whispered.

Gabriel squatted down in front of her. "Why does it bother you, love?"

"It just does. I ... what you want me to do is ... already pretty extreme. P ... powdering is bad enough, without having to be wiped down first," she said, her voice barely audible.

Angel offers gently, "Honey, you don't have to be powdered. You could be oiled, instead. We keep a bottle for shining the stuff up, anyway. Suppose I bring it back here, and you two can take care of that part by yourself?"

Gabriel nodded. "Would that help, love?"

She practically radiated relief as she nodded and looked up at him with disturbing gratitude. "Thank you!"

"Angel, do you think Chris would be willing to run next door and buy a blindfold if I gave him the money?" Gabriel asked.

"A blindfold?" Angel, who had been looking at Pandora with a touch of a frown, looked up. "Sure, but they're pretty pricey for that sort of thing."

Gabriel shrugged. "Is there anywhere else close enough he could get one?" He looked at Pandora. "Love," Gabriel said, quietly, but firmly. "I haven't ordered you to do this. If you don't think you can, you don't have to. You wanted me to help you go past your limits, not to shove you past and make you do things you can't handle. If you can't handle something, tell me, okay? I don't want to push you too far because I didn't know it was too much."

She leaned her head against his thigh. "I can do it," she whispered. "I can do whatever you want me to. I ... I can handle more than you'd imagine. If you want something ... it doesn't matter whether I want to, I can do it."

"Love, there's more too it than just being able to handle it. Good embarrassment and bad, remember? I never want to make you feel bad," Gabriel said. "Ever. But I'll make you feel as much good embarrassment as you can handle."

"You didn't say if I wouldn't like it I didn't have to," she said, still not looking at him, "you said if I can't. I could. I just wouldn't want to."

Gabriel hesitated for a moment, frowning. "You're right. I'm sorry, love. I wasn't clear. Making you feel bad embarrassment is one of my limits. I'm not willing to do it, so you need to let me know, okay?"

She nodded, hesitantly looking up at him. "Okay. I'm sorry."

Gabriel shook his head. "No, love. I'm sorry. I didn't make sure you understood, and I almost hurt you." He pulled her closer to him, bending and hugging her. "I never want to hurt you."

"I just ... I don't know what I'm doing," she said, pressing against him.

"I know, love. That means it's my responsibility to make sure you understand things," he said.

Angel looked greatly relieved. "I'll get that oil for you, okay?" He smiled and stepped outside.

Pandora stood up once he was out and, still avoiding looking directly at Gabriel, turned her back to him and held up her hair. "Can you unfasten this? He said it's easier to leave it laced up and get in and out through the back."

"Sure, love." He began undoing the hooks. "I love you, you know."

"I know," she said softly. "I ... I'm okay. Just ... this is so different from anything I ever imagined. It's like I don't even really know myself anymore, and I really, really don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, y'know?"

Gabriel sighed. "Love, I ... I don't want you to not know yourself."

She looked over her shoulder at him and laughed. "Well, it's a bit late for that now, don't you think?"

Gabriel gave her a crooked smile. "I ... guess so. I'm sorry."

"I'm not. Not even a little bit. I like how I feel ... most of it, anyway. But it does mean that ... well, I'm kind of working blind, maybe?" She sighed. "I'm not sure how I feel about everything, or how I should feel, or how I should react, or when I do react, why I react that way, and I really, really don't know what to do, because I honestly never imagined I could feel this way, could want the things I do."

"If you're happy ... that's all I care about, love." He ran his thumb over the back of her neck. "Are you up for this?"

Pandora shivered, holding the unfastened corset to her chest and arching her neck against his touch. "I want to please you. It's important to me."

"It's not too hard?"

"It's hard," she admitted quietly. "A week ago, I would have said I'd never do something like that, not for anyone, even if my life was in their hands ... I'd rather die than let anyone make me a slut."

Gabriel shook his head firmly. "You are not a slut."

"I don't know yet if I am or not," she said. "I'm acting like one, and that may be the same thing. But ... I'm not sure I even care, if that's what you want."

He raised an eyebrow. "You think you're acting like a slut?"

In answer, she dropped the corset on the bench and turned to face him, her nipples hard and crinkled and her thighs shiny, an odd half-smile on her face. "What else could you call it, love?"

"Acting like an exhibitionist. I'm honestly not certain that 'slut' has any semantic content beyond 'person who has more sex than I approve of'. As such, it cannot validly carry any moral weight," he said.

"Moral weight, maybe not. Social disapproval, scorn, embarrassment ... yeah," she said. "To me it means not having any self-control when it comes to what my body wants, being willing to do things when I'm turned on that I wouldn't otherwise, not being able to stop myself even when it embarrasses me."

"Then it's the lack of control that bothers you?" he asked.

She unzipped the skirt and let it fall, then stepped out of it and bent to pick it up. She was wet all the way down her thighs, and he could see how puffy and slick her cunt lips were, how they were open, as if inviting him to slide his cock between them. "Partly," she said thoughtfully. "A big part, probably. But not all of it. I'm willing to do things I thought I'd rather die than do. It's not just that I'm not able to say 'no' to them, but that I'm willing, completely."

Gabriel looked thoughtful. "What were you unwilling to do before?"

"Any of this. Being naked in front of other people, letting them touch me. Letting anyone embarrass me." She sat down on the bench, pulling her knees up and wrapping her arms around them. "Being actually submissive, rather than just playing, just masochism."

He sat down beside her. "Are you okay with that?" He paused. "Could it be that you trust me not to let you get hurt?"

"I don't know what it is," she said, so quietly he could barely hear her. "I never thought I'd want it ... that I could even tolerate it. But I ... you ... it's different," she finished weakly. "And I don't know yet how I feel about that."

"From the way you reacted to the idea of Chris watching from a safe distance, I figured I'd hit on one of your fantasies," Gabriel said.

Her nipples hardened and she shivered, pressing them against her knees, but she shook her head. "No. I mean, every once in a while, I'd think about what it'd be like to be watched, but it was always sort of ... a faceless crowd, not anyone I'd have to see, to interact with, and no one close at all. And it wasn't really about anything sexual, either. It ... it was all about having witnesses to what I could take, proving how much I could handle."

"Is it..." He stopped, collecting his thoughts. "Could it be that you didn't know you could be submissive, and that there are things that only turn you on when you're being submissive?"

"M ... maybe," she said slowly. "That could explain it ... maybe it makes it, um, 'safe'? Or 'okay'? I don't know. I just know that I never, ever expected to feel this way. So I never planned for it, never thought about it, and now I just don't know what I'm supposed to do."

There was a soft tap on the door, and a hand appeared above the gap holding out the bottle of silicone oil.

Gabriel took the bottle. "Thanks."

From outside, Angel said, "Use all you need, we have plenty more." Then Gabriel could hear him walk away.

"I understand, love. It'll take a while to get used to it. And it'll probably take me longer to figure out what will and won't work for you, so I'll need your help. I'm going to ask you a couple of questions. I think I know the answer, but I want you to think about them, not just what the answer is; see if you can figure out why it's what it is, okay?"

She shivered again, and looked at him warily, but nodded. "I always do. But I can't always figure it out."

"Okay. It would really bother you if Chris watched me wipe you off and powder you. Would it bother you for him to watch you be oiled up? Or is that different?" he asked.

"Yeah, it would really bother me. It might still turn me on ... and I really don't understand that ... but it would bother me," she said.

"Okay. Can you tell me what would bother you about it? And maybe what would turn you on about it?" he asked, putting his arm around her and pulling her close. "It's okay if you can't."

She curled up against him. "I'm not sure. It's too embarrassing. Like ... it's okay to do these things, but to get that turned on doing it makes me nasty."

"Why does getting turned on make you nasty?" he asked.

"It doesn't," she said. "But getting that turned on, and showing it so ... so shamelessly does."

Gabriel nodded, slowly. "I think I see. Anything that advertised what you feel has always been dangerous, hasn't it?"

"No! Not dangerous," she protested, "Things weren't that bad." Then she paused, looking thoughtful. "Well ... actually ... maybe. Just not physically."

"Yeah. Emotional abuse can be even worse than physical abuse, in some ways," he said.

"I didn't say it was abuse," she said. "I wasn't abused. It was just ... well, it would have made things difficult. Easier to not show things, that's all."

"Pandora, that is abuse," Gabriel said soberly. "It's not as obvious, but the way your mother treated you was abusive. You said it yourself: you were afraid she'd put you in a box. That's not the same thing as screaming and yelling, but it can be just as harmful."

"Gabriel, I was just a little kid! She wouldn't actually do it!"

"Oh, I know, love. But you were afraid she would ... and she did, didn't she? You never got to wear underwear. You couldn't do anything that might cut you, or bruise you. You couldn't risk a sunburn. You couldn't do a lot of things, could you?" he asked.

"Neither can a lot of kids," she pointed out. "Everyone wants to keep their kid safe, that's all."

"Still ... I think she went overboard. Am I right, though? Is that part of what bothers you?" he asked.

"I guess. But you make it sound like some awful thing, like it's not okay to want to keep anything private," she said.

Gabriel blinked. "I do? I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to do that."

"I mean, I think if I'm willing to ... to get naked and let people watch you do things to me, then I'm not exactly repressed. Right?" she asked.

"You definitely aren't repressed, love. I'm sorry if I made you think I had a problem with it. I'm trying to understand why it is so that I won't ask you to do things that hit you the same way," he said.

"Oh," she said, looking away. "I just ... when it feels like you're, um ... disapproving, I guess ... it bothers me a lot. It hurts. And that makes me defensive, I guess. I'm sorry."

Gabriel stroked her hair. "I'm sorry, love. I don't disapprove. I just want to understand so that I don't hurt you."

She sighed. "It's hard. I have this ... this bizarre need to please you. It's really strong, and I don't know how to deal with it so that I can be ... be 'normal' with you, too."

Gabriel frowned. "Do you think it's because of ... what I am?"

She was silent a long while before answering seriously, "Maybe. But you don't understand ... I don't mind. I wouldn't want to change it. God, Gabriel, you have no idea how ... how right it feels to me, do you? I don't care why it is, I still want it. But I want to know how to ... to be me, too. B-because..." She looked up at him, frightened and confused. "Because you l ... love me, not ... not some sappy little slave-girl, and I don't want to lose that..."

"Love, I love you, no matter what. And I'll do whatever I can to help ... but ... I don't know how," he said.

"You have more experience with this sort of thing ... that's something," she said.

Gabriel nodded. "I guess so." He looked thoughtful. "All I can say is that you will never disappoint me by being yourself. Beyond that, I think we're going to have to work things out as we go ... Hmmm." He looked thoughtful. "Maybe ... I have an idea, but I need to think about it."

"I just don't want to ... to lose me, you know?" She sighed, leaning against him. "I don't mind changing, I just don't want to end up someone else entirely."

"Then I'll help, love. But I don't think you will. Think about the stuff you've read online. It's just the first chance you've had to actually do any of this," he said.

"If this was something I'd always wanted it'd be one thing ... but what I want has changed, and that's what scares me."

Gabriel looked thoughtful. "Has it really changed? Or is it something you had no way to know about before you actually tried it?"

"I..." she began, then fell silent for such a long time that he was beginning to think she wasn't going to answer. Then, hesitantly, she said, "I ... need to think about that. May ... may I have some time before I answer?"

"Love, of course you can." He kissed the top of her head. "As much time as you need."

She closed her eyes and leaned her cheek against him. "Thank you."

"Love, anything you need, I'll give you. All you have to do is ask," he said.

"I don't want to ask too much," she whispered.

"You can't."

She shook her head. "You know what they say ... people who claim to have no limits really just have no imagination."

Gabriel smiled. "True. But I do know that you can't ask for more than I'm willing to give, love."

Her skeptical look told him she still wasn't convinced, but she didn't argue, but instead changed the subject. "Well ... we may be asking more than this store is willing to give if we don't let them have their dressing room back soon," she said.

He laughed. "True. How about I get Chris to go get the blindfold. By the time he gets back, I should have at least your legs and waist oiled. Would it be okay if he watched me oil the rest of you, or should I try to get everything done before he gets back?"

"No, that's fine," she said. "As long as the ... the problem is disguised."

"I wouldn't exactly call it a problem, Bob," Gabriel said, grinning. "I rather like the way you get all wet and slippery."

She blushed bright red. "I wouldn't either if we were alone. I ... I've never got turned on like that before. Not ever."

"You liked watching him suck my cock, didn't you?" he asked. "Are you looking forward to me returning the favor?"

She closed her eyes, breath quickening. "oh god..."

Gabriel smiled. "I thought you would." He squeezed her. "Maybe that'll happen tonight, depending on how things go, but right now I'd better go give Chris the money for the blindfold."

She nodded, reluctantly releasing him.

Gabriel kissed her on the forehead, then slipped out of the dressing room and walked to the counter.

Angel was over by one wall, adjusting a row of boots. Chris was behind the counter. He looked up as Gabriel approached. "Everything okay?"

Gabriel nodded. "Yeah. Listen, um ... did you see the cat-suit I found for her?"

He licked his lips unconsciously. "Oh hell yeah. That's been on the shelf for months ... no one who'd fit in it has had the nerve to buy it."

Gabriel smiled. "If I gave you the cash, would you run next door and buy a blindfold for her? In exchange, you can watch me get it on her ... maybe even help me get the top on."

"Welll ... um, if she puts it on, you have to buy it. That's the rule with latex, y'know?"

Gabriel nodded. "Yeah, I know. I can afford it, even if it doesn't fit. But I'm fairly sure it will."

"Cool," Chris said. "Just wanted to make sure you knew that."

Gabriel nodded. "Yeah. I'm using the oil, not powder, by the way."

"Oh god ... what was it you wanted again?"

Gabriel chuckled. "A blindfold, so that she doesn't know if you're helping me with the top or not."

"Umm ... if she doesn't know, then how do I know she'd be okay with it?" Chris asked.

"She knows I might have you help, but not knowing for sure if it's your fingers or mine..." He paused. "One thing, though. While she's completely naked, you need to be back far enough you can't touch her, because she's not comfortable with it."

"Completely..." Chris ran a hand through his hair. "Wow. Yeah, okay ... shit though ... we could get in big trouble ... already could get in big trouble. It's a slow night, but..."

"You don't have to if you don't want," Gabriel said. "I don't want to get you in trouble or anything. I just thought you might enjoy it."

"It's not that I don't want to. I would enjoy it ... god, who wouldn't? Just thinking out loud ... but I didn't say 'no'. I'm not crazy. As long as she's okay with it, I mean, I'm not a jerk. Okay."

Gabriel grinned. "She's okay with it. Probably." He held up a finger. "She's pushing her limits here. She may find out that it's more than she can take after all. Are you cool with that, if it happens?"

"Well yeah ... I said I wasn't a jerk. She wants to play a bit, that's cool ... doesn't mean she doesn't still have the right to say 'no'."

"I figured, but I had to ask, just to be on the safe side. I'm kind of playing this by ear, so I'm trying to think ahead," Gabriel said.

"Yeah, that's understandable. You don't want her to get hurt, of course. I'm cool with that."

"How much will you need for the blindfold?" Gabriel asked.

He shrugged. "About fifteen to thirty bucks, depending on how fancy you want."

Gabriel pulled out is wallet and withdrew three twenties. "Get the best they've got; she seemed to really like the blindfold idea. If that's not enough, come back and I'll give you more."

"Cooool. No problem. Hey Angel! Be right back, 'k?" Angel waved agreeably and Chris headed out the door.

Gabriel returned to the fitting room and began to oil Pandora up, starting at the waist and working down. "Do you have any idea how much I need to use?"

Pandora stretched, rubbing against his hands. "Mmmm ... lots."

Gabriel smiled. "You like this?" His hands slid down her thighs, thumbs brushing over her cunt lightly.

"Ohhhh yes ... that's nice." She arched her back, pressing towards him.

He cupped her ass, rubbing the silicone oil over her skin. "There's something Lissa and I did once that I want to try with you. We bought one of those inflatable pools and filled it with oil."

"Mmm ... sounds fun." She frowned a touch. "Maybe a bit dangerous, though ... be easy to fall." She leaned over, placing her hands on the wall and spreading her legs for him.

Gabriel grinned. "That's why you stay on your hands and knees. But I think this time I'll shell out the money and buy enough silicone oil to use instead."

"It's good for your skin," she offered. "Supposed to be, anyway."

"That's a nice side benefit." He looked thoughtful. "If you wanted, we could do that when we play with Angel next time. Being totally covered in this would take care of lube..."

"You ... you'd really do ... that?" she asked uncertainly.

Gabriel hesitated. "Um ... if you'd like to see it ... I think I'd really like to at least try it, yeah. Why?"

"But wouldn't that hurt?" she asked.

"Not if he's slow and careful. And I'm at least as interested in doing him..."

She turned to look at him, looking suddenly worried. "At least? So, maybe more?"

"As having him do me, not as doing you," he said.

"I knew what you meant," she said. "Have you ever ... before?"

Gabriel shook his head. "No. Lissa took one look and said 'Hell no'."

"I meant with a guy."

Gabriel shook his head again. "No. This is the first time I've ever even thought about it. Why?"

She shrugged, looking more uncomfortable, and turned away.

"Love, please?"

Gabriel reached out, touching her, after a moment. "Oh. I think I see. Love, I'm not gay. But ... I'm starting to think I might be bi. Are you okay with that?"

"But ... wouldn't that be how it would start?" she asked, her voice trembling. "Just wanting to try it, then ... liking it a lot. Too much. More than anything else, and it turns out it's something that no one else has ever given you ... could ever give you..."

Gabriel pulled her to him. "No, love. That's why I said I think I might be bi. Because I really liked that, and he turns me on. But so do you, a lot. You give me things that he couldn't, that no man could."

She trembled in his arms, and her voice was tight when she answered him. "I ... I thought a guy wouldn't be a threat. So there'd be no reason to be bothered by a guy. And ... and it was so hot. But ... but then I realized that if you like what a guy can do for you, what he can give you ... I can't give you that."

"No, you can't. But a guy can't give me what you can, and I'm not just talking about the physical side. Even another girl couldn't give me what you can." He held her close. "I'm not going to leave you for a guy, love. I promise."

Pandora whimpered, clinging to him tightly. "I'm s ... sorry ... it's just so hard to believe you're mine at all. I k ... keep expecting to wake up. Or f ... for you to laugh and say it was all a joke and you're done playing now ... I'm so afraid something awful is going to happen!"

"I'm not going to leave you for anyone, love. Ever." He hesitated. "After what we've discussed, the most I would ever ask you to do is share, and if you weren't comfortable with it, it wouldn't happen."

"I ... could share, sometimes. In some ways, anyway. B-but ... I would always be scared that you ... that they ... that I'd stop fitting."

"You can't stop fitting. I wish ... I wish you could see what I do, love, because if you did you'd know there was no way you could stop fitting," he said.

Pandora looked down at the floor. "I just don't want you to ... to run out of time for me," she said, sounding like a scared little girl.

Gabriel squeezed her. "Never, love. Never."

"I know I sound ... stupid. I just never thought I would ever share my ... my lover ... with anyone. So ... like the rest ... I don't know how to handle it," she said.

"It's not something I ever thought of before, either. I guess we need to join some of the polyamoury groups," he said.

"I guess," she said, a bit tightly. "I'm not sure. I don't know that that's the right word."

"What other word would you use?" he asked.