Chapter 3

Christmas Eve day started bright and beautiful with the sun shining on the snow causing tiny diamonds to glint on its surface. The kids ate breakfast and hurried outside to play. Carlie busied herself going through Maria's cookbook. She found recipes and started baking, the smell of apples and cinnamon wafting through every corner of the house.

It was her way of staying away from Nathan. She'd never forget the look on his face the night of the tree trimming, when she had come down to get him to wish the kids goodnight. He'd whispered his wife's name, his voice full of love and contentment. And the smile. Carlie sighed deeply and dug her knuckles into the dough she was making for homemade rolls. She would give anything to have him smile like that at her.

She shook her head, using her shoulder covered in one of his soft flannel shirts to push a stray strand of hair from her face. She took the kneaded dough and put it in a bowl, covering it with a clean kitchen towel then setting it aside to rest on the back of the stove where it was warm.

"Wow," Nathan said, coming into the kitchen, "something smells wonderful in here."

"Apple and pumpkin pie," she said, moving away from him to start cleaning up the mess she'd made. "I've also got rolls started."

"Carlie, we need to talk." He took two steps toward her, stopping when the phone started ringing, the sound loud in the silence of the kitchen. "Dammit," Nathan hissed, going over to answer the kitchen extension.

Carlie continued cleaning then washed her hands, before going to the refrigerator to get out the ingredients for something not in Maria's cookbook. A recipe of her mother's. She stood in the open door of the refrigerator, her breath caught in her throat as what she was thinking finally caught her attention. Her mother's recipe. Her mother was alive and lived..."Dammit!"

"Are you okay?"

She turned, caught off guard and not realizing how close he actually was. With the open door of the refrigerator on one side and him so close on the other, she was almost standing in his arms. "You scared me."

"You aren't okay. You're pale." He took her by the arms and led her away from the kitchen, making her sit in the living room. He knelt in front of her, his hands stroking softly up and down her arms. "You haven't been sleeping either. I've heard you up and pacing at night."

"It's nothing, just a little case of insomnia. I'm fine." She laughed at the doubting expression in his eyes. "Really, I am. I was just thinking about making my mother's favorite recipe. When I went into the fridge, it hit me. You know, thinking about her, knowing and I knew she was alive. I can see her face, but I can't remember her name. She's my mother and I can't remember her name."

Nathan pulled her resisting form into his arms, holding her there until she relaxed and let her head drop onto his shoulder. He gently stroked her back, breathing in her spicy scent with a sigh. If only she could remember then he could do what he wanted to do.

"You just need to let it come, Carlie. You've remembered so much. One of these days, soon, the dam will break and you'll remember. I promise." He rocked her as she had rocked him, holding her close with a tenderness that had tears backing up in her eyes.

She finally pushed away and took a deep breath, turning her face from him. "I should go check on the kids."

"Wait, Carlie. That phone call." He stopped her with a hand on her arm. "They are plowing the road today sometime, he said tonight at the latest. We'll be able to go into town."

"Oh." She looked down at him as she stood. "I'll be ready to go then, whenever you want to take me into town." Carlie wanted to escape, to go to her room. No, she stopped herself. It was the guest room and not hers no matter how much she liked it in there. She was a guest here, not a member of the family. She had to realize that.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if the roads are open, then you can take me into town. I can check the police station. Maybe someone has reported me missing." Why did the idea of leaving this house, the kids, of leaving him hurt so much?

Because you fell in love with him, with all of them.

"Sure, we can go check in at the police station if you want. Wouldn't it be easier to call them though?"

"Call them?"

"Well, now that the phone works, we could call and make a report, see if you've been reported missing. We could do that now and not have to wait until later, actually." He stood with her, still with his hand on her arm. "You didn't think that I was going to just drop you off in town and leave you there to fend for yourself, did you?" He studied her face intently, his hand coming up to cup her chin and hold her still.

"You did!" He dropped his hands off of her and walked away, his temper rising. "Carlie, what in the world did I do to make you think I would treat you so cavalierly? You've come here and been wonderful with the kids, you've taken on more than your share of the household chores. Hell, you folded my clothes. The kids love you and they expect you to be here for Christmas."

"I'd love to stay for Christmas, Nathan," she said quietly. Her blue eyes were huge in her face as she stared at him, stalking back and forth across the room. He was angry at her, but she wasn't really sure of the reason.

"And after that too, until you find out who you are," he stated firmly, leaving no doubt he meant what he said.

"Nathan, I can't do that. It could be weeks, it could be years if ever that I remember. If no one's looking for me, there might be no way to find out who I am."

"Carlie, don't you understand. I don't care. I want you to stay. I want you to stay with me." He strode across the room, determination mixing with frustration in his eyes. He was tired of pussy footing around her. Maybe it was just time to show her what he meant. He grabbed her arms, dragging her against him. "I want you to marry me, Carlie. Be my wife." His lips came down on hers, slanting across her mouth. The taste of her was sweet and wonderful and he felt his heart race as she responded, her hands slipping up his back.

He tore his mouth from hers before he got too involved. He needed to hear her say yes. "Well?" he asked insistently.

Her eyes blinked slowly at him as if coming from a dream. She stared up at him, astonished and then felt him shake her gently.

"Carlie, when a man proposes, he expects an answer."

She tore herself away, putting the length of the sofa between them. "I... I can't marry you, I can't." Tears slid down her cheeks. "I don't know who I am or if I'm already married. I don't know anything about myself. I could have killed someone, or robbed a bank. I could be on the run from the police." A sob caught her by surprise and she wrapped her arms around her slender waist feeling the pain slash deep inside of her. He was handing her what she wanted more than anything; him, the kids, to stay here with them. And she couldn't reach out and take it.

"I can't," she sobbed again, turning and running from the room. He heard the sound of her steps on the stairs and then the soft thump as she closed her bedroom door. His heart thudded hollowly in his chest as he sank down on the sofa. He never thought she'd say no. He sat there for a moment feeling a sense of loss that was almost overwhelming. Then he heard the back door open and his children's voices and knew he had to pull himself together for them.

The road was plowed earlier than he expected and the kids wanted to go into town. Santa was going to be at the mall and they hadn't gotten to see him this year. He got them dressed warmly after shoveling out the end of the driveway and starting his SUV to get it warmed up. Then he turned to Carlie. "Are you sure you won't go with us?" he asked softly.

She shook her head and smiled bravely at him but he could see the effects of the tears she had shed on her face. Tears she shed because of him. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and hold her, just hold her until she smiled again at him the way she had in the woods the day they got the tree. That day seemed so long ago now.

"Okay, we'll stop by the police station then on our way home." He touched her face gently, unable to stop himself. "Carlie, we'll work something out, okay? It'll be okay."

Michael stood by silently, watching the what was going on between the two adults. His eyes took in the look on his dad's face, the look on Carlie's. He knew something was wrong, but he wasn't sure what. He grabbed Katie's hand in his and dragged her back when she was about to go and bother the adults again, shaking his head at her when she gave him a dirty look.

Carlie nodded quietly and a tear slipped from her eye. She tried to wipe it away without being obvious and stooped to give Meghan a kiss on the forehead.

"What you want me to ask Santa to bring you, Carlie?" the little girl lisped happily.

"Oh, honey. I've got everything I need already. But thank you." She stood and tried to smile at Katie and Michael.

Nathan let himself be led from the house but he glanced back at her over his shoulder. She looked so lost standing there by herself, her arms hugging her slender form under the too big shirt of his she was wearing over his sweat pants. He didn't want to leave her, not when she was feeling like this. But he got into the SUV and drove to the mall.

The madhouse he found there was more than he expected. He enlisted Michael's aid and had him help keep his sister's in tow as he did some last minute shopping stopping at the gift wrap station run by teenage girls in elf costumes to get the presents wrapped. They stopped and stood in line to see Santa and got pictures taken. Michael hung back, too old at eight to sit on Santa's lap. The kids were yelling hungry by the time they were through and Nathan corralled them back to the car, stopping at one last store on his way out. It was a chance, and a big one. But he'd take it.

He stowed the presents in the back end except for one small box which he tucked into his pocket. Then he belted the kids into their seats and drove back towards home. With Michael in the front seat playing a hand held video game and killing off alien invaders, the girls in the back seat chattering about what they'd asked Santa for, he used his cell phone and made the call to the police station.

Knowing nothing more about Carlie then when they had left he finally pulled into the driveway.

He got the kids out and into the house, amazed at the smells that were wafting from the kitchen. His stomach grumbled hungrily, making Meghan laugh.

She ran into the kitchen in front of them calling out to Carlie, "Daddy's got a bear in his tummy and it's growlin."

Carlie swooped her up and gave her a kiss, listening to her rattle on about their trip to the mall. "And Daddy's got prises in the..."

Nathan stole her away, slipping a gentle hand over her mouth. "And someone has a big mouth and is telling secrets also," he teased, tickling her until she giggled. "Go wash up for dinner."

He put her down and swatted her lightly on the rump as she walked past, hearing her yelling for her brother and sister that it was dinner time. "Can I do anything to help?"

"Just go wash up yourself." She started ladling and filling bowls, carrying them into the dining room, a room that they had never used for a meal. He carried a bowl in for her and then smiled and left the room as she shooed him away. Her mood seemed better, more settled as if the time alone had been good for her.

He got the kids cleaned up and brought them down for the meal, praising her culinary talents. He noticed she didn't eat much but she smiled and laughed as much as anyone. The kids all begged to be allowed to stay up later tonight, excitement in their voices. Especially Meghan and Katie who wanted to be up to surprise Santa when he came down the chimney. They chattered all through clean up of the dishes about what Santa was bringing them. They gathered in the living room, Nathan allowing the kids to stay up to watch two Christmas classic cartoons, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. Then it was baths and bed.

Even Michael went to bed early, excited about the next day. The girls closed their eyes the instant they were kissed goodnight, Carlie smiling from the doorway and then it was quiet.

Nathan took her hand and led her downstairs. He took her to a hall closet that she hadn't noticed before, pulling a key from his pocket and unlocking the door. Inside was a kid's wonderland, wrapped and unwrapped presents ready to be put under the tree, each labeled neatly. They gathered them up and carried them to the living room, placing them under the tree and then around it. Nathan took an envelope from his desk and propped it in the tree.

"It's a pony." He laughed as she cocked an eyebrow and then glanced back at the envelope. "Okay, it's a picture of a pony. I couldn't have her delivered because of the snow so they'll be bringing her later this week. I figured she could have the picture until she can have the real thing."

"You are such a pushover," she laughed as he blushed.

He made her sit while he went out to the truck and brought in the rest of the presents, not letting her touch a thing or even look at the cards. Then they ate the cookies left out for Santa and Nathan drank the milk. He got out a pair of his boots and pushed them into a bit of mud at the edge of the path then he made a small trail from the fireplace to the edge of the hearth with the boots.

"Now only one thing left to do," he said as he got back from putting the boots away. "He sat down next to her on the couch, sitting so that he was facing her. "I got you a present and you can open it early." He hushed her as she tried to argue. "Nope, I already talked to Santa and got his permission."

He pulled out the small box and handed it to her.

"But..."

"No, I know what you said. This is for when you change your mind." He took the box back and opened it, showing her the beautiful diamond solitaire. It was simple and classy and exactly the right ring for her. He'd known it even when the clerk had shown him more glitzy rings or ones with more stones.

"Oh, Nathan. But what about..."

"Carlie, I don't care about before. Whatever you were or are, we'll deal with it together. I love you." He saw her eyes light up with those three simple words. Three words that encompassed a wealth of others. "I want you to be my wife, to help me raise the three terrors we have and give me more. I want us to grow old together surrounded by grandkids. Please, Carlie. Be my wife."

It was hearing the name that brought her out of the spell he had cast over her with his wonderful words. The name that she had been given by a six year old, a name that wasn't hers. She wanted so badly to believe what he was saying, that everything would be all right, that they would deal with what came when it came. But how could she accept another man's ring when someone could be out there right now looking for her.

She took his hand in hers and slowly closed the lid over the ring she longed to accept. "I love you, too, Nathan. With all my heart. But I'm not Carlie. I don't know who I am and until I do, I can't take this."

Nathan took a deep breath. He'd expected this but it still stung. He took her hand and placed the box in it, curling her fingers around it. "You keep this then, when you're ready, bring it to me. Until then, we'll go on like we are. After Christmas, we'll go down and fill out a report, maybe someone has seen an abandoned car." He pulled her close and held her. "But I get cuddle rights," he whispered in her ear. "And rights for kisses." He kissed her, slowly deepening the kiss until he felt her breath hitch and her mouth open under his.

They kissed and touched and watched the lights on the tree, talking about anything that came to mind. Finally Nathan pulled her up. "Come on, woman. Those kids will be up at the crack of dawn and jumping on me and then I'm sending them in to get you." He laughed as she looked at him with fake horror. The he swooped up the ring box she had set on a side table and handed it to her. "Don't forget this. I want it handy for when you remember. You come to me wearing it."

Nathan left her at her bedroom door with one last, lingering kiss. He seemed to have problems walking away, holding her tightly against him. Finally, he whispered a soft goodnight and went into his room. She heard his door click as she stood behind hers and waited until she heard the shower in his bathroom running. Then, after a look at the soft bed waiting for her, she turned and went down the stairs.

Carlie flipped on the tree lights and snuggled into a corner of the couch that they had just left. She rested her head on her hand and opened the box that held his present of love. She'd never expected him to love her, only to want her. Her eyes traveled over the ring that glinted in the colored glow of the tree. Staring at it, she fell asleep.