Chapter 36: View Point Ahead - Entrance on Right

As Jackie and I walked through the bedroom door, she hesitated and her hand clasped mine tightly.

“Chris?” she spoke softly and when I turned to look at her, her blue eyes were brimming with tears.

“Yeah.”

“I want to be cuddled, but...” her voice trailed off to nothing.

“But no sex, right?” I smiled at her. “Why don’t I wear my shorts and you can wear something too?”

“Umm, yeah. I could wear my panties, but you always sleep in the nude, don’t you?” she asked then, looking far younger than I thought she was. “You don’t need to...”

“Whoa,” I grinned at her. “Whether you like it or not, you’re gorgeous and you have a great body. We could be wearing snow suits and parkas, but if I’m lying in bed beside you, I’ll still know that I’m holding a beautiful woman in my arms. My body is bound to react. I won’t be able to prevent it.”

“So what? If you promise me not to try anything, I’d feel perfectly safe,” she smiled. “I trust you not to do anything I don’t want.”

I frowned slightly, visualizing her in the nude and felt my body already reacting. Somehow I was going to have to try to be calm and not react like a bull moose in rut. I also had to explain to her what worried me about sleeping nude with her.

“Look, when a guy gets excited, he gets an erection,” I tried to keep my voice flat and unemotional. “If we’re sleeping side by side, it’s going to bump against you, especially if we cuddle.”

“I know that, but I’d still feel it, even if you wear shorts. I’d rather feel flesh than cloth. I don’t mind if it bumps against me.”

“Well, that’s not the only problem,” I sighed. “You see if I’m aroused for long, my glands react. One of the things that happens is ... well, my erection dribbles.”

“So what? I can wipe that off in the morning. Besides, I get wet when I get aroused. It’s natural. Anything like that isn’t going to worry me.”

“But...”

“Chris, quit arguing. I want you to sleep comfortably, so I want you to be nude,” she spoke louder and more firmly.

I just sighed deeply, knowing in my heart that she was going to win the argument, but worried that something was going to happen that would upset her. I was still worried that, no matter what happened, I wasn’t going to be able to sleep well. For one thing I knew I was going to be aroused for a long time and that wasn’t going to be comfortable. On top of that I was now worried about holding her. After sleeping with Carissa all summer, I was accustomed to letting my hands roam over her body. I worried that I’d automatically do the same thing with Jackie. I tried to explain, but she just shook her head and then put both hands over her ears.

“I can’t hear you,” she actually grinned, then sobered and shifted her hands to my shoulders, staring into my eyes. “Chris, quit fighting it and get undressed. I want you to be nude. I want you to touch me. I want to see what a man feels like touching me. I want you to feel my body. If you start to do something I don’t want to happen, I’ll let you know.”

“Okay,” I sighed, wanting to hug her, but not daring to do it right then.

We moved to opposite sides of the bed and both of us began to strip. I fought to keep my eyes from wandering over to watch her, but I was having a hard time doing it.

“Chris, look at me,” she suddenly snapped, quite loudly.

“Huh?” I lifted my eyes and looked directly at her.

“That’s better, otherwise it’s unfair.”

“Pardon?”

“Well, I want to see too,” she grinned. “It isn’t fair if I look and you don’t.”

“You’re making this very hard for me, you know,” I grouched.

“Well, I can see that I’m making something hard,” she giggled. “Big too.”

“I’m not that big,” I protested, but her words pleased me a lot.

“Bigger than anyone I’ve seen,” she giggled, then paused and asked. “What do you think of my body?”

“You’re gorgeous,” I said instantly, then did a double take as she bent over. “Hey, I thought you were going to wear your panties.”

“I said I could wear my panties and feel perfectly safe. Besides, I’d rather wash skin than clothes and these are the only panties I brought along,” she giggled, diving under the covers, then flipping them fully aside to let me in. “I decided that if you’re going to be nude, I am too, and I want the thrill of not feeling all that safe. I still trust you to be a gentleman and not do anything I don’t want.”

If I hadn’t been aroused before, those words, plus the sight of a blonde goddess lying in my bed would have done the job. Heck, the way she looked right then would have made a cigar store Indian sprout a woody.

I was feeling tentative as I shut off the ceiling light, leaving only a small bedside light turned on. Then I slid into bed, carefully keeping slightly away from her, but she was having none of that. Instead, she shifted, then snuggled against me tightly and grinned, her eyes twinkling.

“Carissa wasn’t as cautious as you are,” she whispered.

“Carissa is seldom cautious,” I sighed. “She makes snap judgments and then jumps into things with both feet. The problem is that at times she drags me into situations that leave me uncomfortable.”

“Like now?”

“Actually, right now you’re the one that is pushing.”

“Not really, at least I’m not pushing you. Actually, I’m pushing me and if you feel that you’re being dragged along, I apologise,” she sighed, then grinned. “If I’d been here last night, it would have been a different story. Last night I’d have pushed.”

“Oh?”

“Unh huh. Seeing what you did on the race track left all of us excited,” Then she sighed deeply. “Carissa was just as bad.”

“Umm, I’m not sure I want to hear this.”

“Well, I think you should, but I’ll let it go for now and try to change the subject.”

Her voice had dropped to a whisper and she’d shifted again, now her nose and mine almost touched. All I could seem to see in the dim light were those two blue orbs and it felt like they were trying to draw me into her soul as she spoke quietly.

“All my life I’ve had someone else make my decisions for me, but you’re different,” I could feel the teasing, tantalising wisps of her breath on my face as she spoke. “You seem to want me to have the opportunity to think and act for myself. Today, while Sandy and Carissa were with us I could follow their lead, but right now I’m having a hard time.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, I am. Are you going to make me beg you to touch me?”

“Hey, I don’t even know what you want and I’m feeling a bit lost myself. I’m trying to decide what you want and what you don’t want. I don’t want to offend you, but at the same time, I don’t want to put myself into a situation that forces me to do something I’ll regret later.”

“Well, all I really want is to cuddle and talk right now,” she whispered. “I’ve never ever done that with a guy. Well, I’ve never slept in a guy’s bed with no clothes on either, but that’s beside the point. During this visit I’ve done a lot of things that I’ve never done before.”

“Jackie, I’ll be honest, I’m afraid to cuddle you like this,” I answered. “We don’t have any clothes on and...”

“And you’re worried about making me do something I don’t want, right?” she said slightly louder.

“Well, yeah. I guess I am, but I’m just as afraid of having my body do something my head tells me is wrong.”

“I don’t think I understand,” Jackie pulled her head back slightly as if she was studying my face.

“Well, I’m not sure I do either, but I’ll try to explain,” I sighed and frowned slightly as I thought about my indecision. “I guess it started at the barbeque when I first met you. You were trying to act like a seductress, but at the same time, there was a look of fear or maybe even revulsion deep in your eyes. Then I found that you liked women, but that your parents wanted you to get married. I really don’t like even hearing about that sort of thing and I’m certainly not going to aid them.”

“But, I’m not being forced to be in your bed,” she was whispering again.

“In a way you were, but not by them,” I snorted. “I think Carissa likes you quite a bit and I’m sure she talked Sandy into this deal. They cooked for us, then they bailed out leaving you here with me. I’m darn certain that she expects us to make love. That way she could draw you into a four-way relationship, so she’d have both you and Sandy as lovers, yet with all of you involved with me.”

“Maybe, but I think you’ve got the scenario a little bit twisted,” she grinned. “I’ll bet that Sandy is the one who set up the scheme to leave us alone.”

“What?”

“Think about it for a minute. I won’t go into details, but for some reason Sandy has always been jealous of me, ever since we were little. I think she’s trying to use me to get between you and Carissa. Of course she might have just found that she likes to be with both guys and gals, but I don’t think so.”

“That doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.”

“It does to me. After all, she was the first girl you ever really dated and she knows that you were on the rebound when you got together with Carissa.”

“Are you telling me that she’s jealous of Carissa too?”

“Oh yeah. Big time.”

“Come on, why would she and Carissa be together now then?”

“Because she’s like her mother. Aunt Ann is a scheming bitch, who will go to any length in order to get her way. Why do you think I’m here now? I’ll tell you why, because Aunt Ann twisted Uncle Sam’s arm to talk my Mom and Dad into sending me, that’s why,” Jackie said vehemently.

“Of course that wasn’t all that hard for Uncle Sam to do. After all, to Mom and Dad I’m the bad girl who had sex before she was supposed to. I was supposed to be a virgin who could be shipped off to Utah or to BC in order to become one of the many wives of one of the old fogies in the FLDS. Since I screwed that up, they have to try some other way to get me married off now and if they can get me into a multiple marriage so much the better. Remember, they think you’re a ‘hidden’ Mormon.”

“Well if you think that way, why are you here and in bed with me?”

“Where else do I have to go?” she snapped. “I know you offered to take me somewhere else, but I can’t go stay with Carissa tonight and Aunt Ann certainly wouldn’t welcome me in her home. To her I’m a fallen woman for some reason, even if she encourages her daughters to trap men with sex. Besides in the short time I’ve known you, I’ve gotten to like you more than any other man that I’ve ever met in my whole life.”

“Shit, now I don’t know what to think,” I sighed. “Everything has gotten so damn complicated that I’m not sure what to think about any of you. Right at the moment I feel lost and I’m having all sorts of second thoughts about this whole setup.”

“Huh, you spend too much time thinking about things anyway,” she snorted. “Now damn it, I really do like you and I came to bed wanting a cuddle, but you haven’t even touched me since we got here.”

“Well actually, because of the way you’ve been acting I’m a bit leery to touch you,” I shrugged. “I’m a bit worried that I’ll get carried away.”

“Why? Aren’t I good enough for you or something?”

“No, it’s not that and I think you know it. You’re gorgeous and I’m probably nuts for not taking advantage of any opportunity you give me, but we really don’t know each other at all.”

“So what? All I’m asking for is a kiss and a cuddle. You said you would, but now you won’t.”

“You don’t seem to understand. When I agreed to that, we were both dressed and I didn’t plan to get into bed in the nude. Now somehow you’ve managed to get us both into bed and...”

“And would it be the end of the world if we did have sex?”

“Maybe not, but it might change our lives, perhaps not in a good way.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better I’m just as scared of that as you are, maybe more. And really, all I want is a cuddle.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, please hold me?” her voice was almost a whimper.

So I relented, wondering if I was being a sucker, but rather than worry about it I slipped my arms around her and pulled her tightly to my chest. After a kiss and a long snuggle she asked to roll over, but wanted me to hold her just as closely from behind. Thinking that was slightly safer, I tentatively agreed. Surprisingly, I felt her breathing change after only a few moments and knew she was asleep.

As for me, I was still wide awake. Now I was wondering if I was being used or taken advantage of by any or all of the bunch. Was Carissa using me to draw in other women for her to have as playmates? Was Sandy taking advantage of Carissa’s professed liking for women as a way to get closer to me? Or was Jackie placing doubts in my mind for her own advantage?

I lay there for a long time, my mind pinballing from one recollection to another, remembering comments and actions, comparing attitudes to reactions. No matter how much I thought about the situation I knew I was just guessing. I still couldn’t make any sense of it all, but finally I fell asleep.

But I don’t think I slept long. Instead I awakened from a very vivid dream of having sex with a gorgeous woman, only to find that I was physically fulfilling that dream. Oh Shit! What in hell was I doing? In fact I was so deeply involved in the physical act that it was too late to stop. My body was past the point of no return. In fact I was ejaculating as I awakened. Then I realized that what had awakened me had been Jackie’s voice, chanting wildly.

“Oh yes! Do it! Do it! Don’t stop! It’s so good! Oh YEEESSSSS!!” I heard Jackie’s chant rise into an enthusiastic shout, her body just as involved as my own.

Those words partially eased the shame and revulsion I’d begun to feel, but I was still unhappy with myself and with the situation. I had put myself into a position that just wasn’t like me in any way. Suddenly I was physically involved with a third woman and I really didn’t know her at all. How much could I know about her? After all, I’d only met her a little over a day before.

Not sure what to say or what to do, I pulled away from Jackie’s back and flopped onto mine. She was still in the same bed, but at least we weren’t touching. She wasn’t as reluctant though, in fact she wanted more attention. I’d hardly moved when she shifted, draping her still panting form on top of my chest.

“Thank you!” she said enthusiastically, then her lips were on mine, but only for a second before she pulled back. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” I apologised. “I was asleep and dreaming and ... Well, I think we just made a mistake”

“Well I wasn’t asleep,” she said instantly, interrupting me. “I wanted that. Big time! I felt your dickie knocking and I opened the door, then guided him in. You did really good too, even if you say you were asleep.”

Then she giggled “If you really were asleep, let’s do it again now that you’re awake.”

“Whether I was asleep or not isn’t the point!” I snapped, growing annoyed. “You don’t know me. I don’t know you. I’m already involved with two other young women. I’m only sixteen for cripes sake. I don’t want to have to get married at my age. Hell, I didn’t even use a french safe, so I hope you’re on the pill or something.”

“Oh,” her voice was a whisper. “I never even thought of that.”

“Oh shit, I take it that means you aren’t on the pill?”

“No,” she murmured, so quietly I could barely make out the word, then I heard her sniffle as she started crying softly.

“Oh great,” I sighed, then I don’t know why, but I hugged her.

Eventually having cried herself out, she fell asleep in my arms. It was far later before I fell asleep myself and even then my sleep was disturbed.

Once more I slept in and awoke late, but this time I awoke alone. I rolled out of bed and dressed, then hurried outside as I usually had to do. When I came back inside, I put on a pot of coffee, then checked on the back room to see if Jackie was sleeping in Beth’s bed, but she wasn’t. That’s when I started to look for the clothes she’d been wearing the night before. There was no sign that she’d been there. Even the small handbag that she’d carried when she’d come with Carissa was gone.

“Oh hell,” I sighed, guessing that she’d decided to walk back to town.

Instead of phoning anyone immediately, I grabbed a mug of coffee and raced out to the Jeep, driving quickly down to the bridge. I could see her footprints crossing it, clearly visible where each step had disturbed the dew that had settled on the bridge deck overnight. As I drove slowly up the grade, then out onto the more level land above the crest, I kept an eye out to see if she’d tried to take a shortcut on any of the curves in the road, but I didn’t see any.

Then as I rounded a small curve around a willow thicket I saw her. She was sitting on a small stump at the side of the road with one shoe in her hand, rubbing one foot with the other hand. There were tears running down her face and she looked as if she had just lost her best friend. When I pulled up next to her she looked up at me.

Then she hid her face in her arms and moaned. “Go away. I wasn’t trying to trap you into something you didn’t want.”

“I didn’t say you were. Last night I was angry at myself, not at you,” I explained. “What we did isn’t going to cause the end of the world.”

That didn’t help. Instead she started to wail like a baby. Okay, perhaps I was being manipulated again, but at the time I didn’t bother thinking about that. At the time I felt like hell. She was crying like a baby because of something I had done, and like many guys a crying woman can get me to do or say just about anything in order to get her to stop.

Somehow I talked her into getting into the Jeep and going back to the cabin. While I did the chores, she cleaned up her face and her feet then lay down again. That wasn’t a surprise though, after all she’d told me that she’d hardly slept all night. I hadn’t had much more sleep than she had, but I didn’t want to disturb her. Besides, I was still on a short schedule to get ready for school and I had things I needed to do so I didn’t go back to bed. Instead I cooked and ate breakfast.

As I was sitting out on the front porch with another mug of coffee, I got to worrying about the fact that my work day was screwed up once more. That brought on thoughts about the ranch as I tried to decide if there was anything that absolutely had to be done that day. The only thing I could think of that was close to desperate was the fact that one of the cows I had bought in the spring was going to calve late in the season. When I’d seen her the day before she’d looked close so I decided that I needed to check her to see if she was having any problem calving.

Since Jackie seemed to be sleeping soundly, I felt I could safely leave her sleep while I rode out to check on the cow. I’d caught one of the horses and had just saddled it when I saw Carissa’s Jeep drive through the gap in the cliff and start down the slope toward the cabin. I hesitated for a second, then decided that I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone right then. Besides if either Carissa or Sandy were at the cabin then Jackie wasn’t alone, which relieved my mind about leaving her sleeping in a place that was still somewhat strange to her.

So I stepped into the stirrup and swung into the saddle. By the time Carissa had parked in front of the cabin I was riding across the pasture. I told myself that I really did need to ride out and check the cow, but I knew in my heart that I was using that as an excuse. Waiting a few moments to talk to Carissa before going to see how that cow was doing wouldn’t have mattered. The problem was ... I didn’t want to talk to Carissa right then. I felt that once again she’d trapped me into doing something I wouldn’t normally have done and it annoyed me a lot! Actually, it infuriated me!

While I rode I was thinking that I usually tackled things head on, but I rationalised that I’d usually had the time to think through my choices first. This time I had no idea where I even stood let alone what I wanted to do. I knew I was going to have to go back and face the girls, but at the moment I had no idea what I wanted to say to anyone. Jackie’s critique of Sandy, along with Carissa’s words and actions had made me question my trust of each and every one of the three.

However as I thought about all that had happened that summer, I decided that I’d been acting irresponsibly toward them as well, at least in some ways. After all I’d accepted having them live with me without looking deeply into the possible future consequences and complications. Oh sure I’d thought about things, but probably not as critically as I should have.

Suddenly feeling self-critical, I took a cold hard look at some of the future possibilities. For one thing I hadn’t really worried about the interactions that might develop between them. For instance what would happen if Jackie had caught last night and she was pregnant? How would that affect all of us? Would the other two want kids as well? Then I wondered how a sixteen-year-old kid could possibly hope to support a woman if she got pregnant, let alone the possibility that all three might want kids.

After all Grampa Bender was still alive and no matter what his will said, the only thing that I owned on the ranch were my clothes, a few horses and the tack for them. Everything else belonged to Grampa Bender and the family as a whole. All I was being paid for was my time and my work as a caretaker while Grampa Bender was in the hospital. The wages I was making certainly wouldn’t support a family. Adding the worries about the cost of a pregnant woman to that string of thoughts left me terrified.