Chapter 3: Dolente

I cancelled my appointments for the rest of the day. I would play hell trying to reschedule them, but I needed some time to think.

On the way home I stopped and picked up a six pack of Shiners. Maybe the natives of Austin consider it "tourist beer", but I don't care much what the locals think. I like the taste and the labels peel off satisfactorily. Beer wasn't going to help me think, but it was a hot day.

My home is not ordinary. A couple of years ago, when I was earning good money, I bought 57 acres out in the Hill Country. I got a good deal, because there was no water, electricity, sewer, or road access to the property. The guy who had inherited it lived in Atlanta and just wanted rid of a parcel that was too small, too rocky and was surrounded on all sides by large ranches. The land was almost valueless except for the view, which is phenomenal. I spent the money to have a caliche road graded, and then had a steel barn erected on a bluff at the highest point of the property. I finished out the barn on the inside like I wanted. My picture window is a huge roll-up door at one end of the barn that looks out at a horizon that's about 30 miles away. When the door is open I can't see a sign of human habitation anywhere unless I look real hard.

My favorite feature of the barn is the practice room. It's the main room, sitting right inside my big roll-up picture window. It has a glass wall at the picture window end, a live wooden floor, a twenty foot ceiling, and is acoustically designed to give the best sound out of the grand piano that's placed in the center. Sitting at that piano is where I planned to do my thinking.

Bonnie, my girlfriend was on the road. She's a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company, and she's gone more than she's home. She's pretty independent, and I like my space, so her traveling works out just fine. I was glad she was out of town, because I sure didn't need her asking me what the hell I was up to pounding on my piano in the middle of a work day.

I needed some suitable thinking music, so I pulled out my dog-eared copy of the Well-Tempered Clavier and started with the C major prelude. If figured I had enough pondering ahead of me to be able to get through every key and then some. I'd worn a couple of pianos out on this music. It was familiar, so with an occasional sip of beer, and a break now and then to admire the view I could focus on my thinking.

I tried to start with the facts. What did I know? I knew that Rebecca was the most exciting woman I had ever encountered. Her affect on me was like voodoo. But, she was half my age, and worse, I knew nothing about her. We'd spoken only a few sentences in what little time we'd been together. She seemed bright and interesting, but how long would that last. We had music in common, and the way she played it freed something in me. But what else?

I knew about lust. I'd had more than my share of torrid affairs, and I'd learned the hard way that relationships based on just sex don't last. Three or four months of great sex could never justify the disappointment and heartbreak that could follow. And, what about the disruption to my life and Rebecca's and to the people close to us? Hell, I'd have to move Bonnie's furniture out, and Bonnie owned the big bed. My back started twinging just thinking about lifting that mattress into the back of my truck. One thing for sure. I wouldn't go sneaking around on Bonnie to see Rebecca. It had to be one or the other.

What about Rebecca's family? Did she have a boyfriend or a father who might try to kill me? How would they deal with her seeing someone so much older? How would I deal with it? I could just envision us walking hand in hand in public and the gossip that would cause. Actually, as I considered it, I liked the thought of people seeing us together. Screw the gossips.

I also knew that I wasn't the easiest person to live with. Bonnie only tolerated me because we spent so little time together. My first marriage, as short as it had been, had ended in a disaster mostly of my own making. I could be selfish and thoughtless in a relationship. Maybe I'd changed a little now that I was older, but how could an eighteen year old deal with me? How could I deal with an eighteen year old?

As these thoughts were going through my head, I heard the crunch of tires on my caliche road. It was Bonnie. She was back a day early. Visions of fans with turds moving rapidly toward them flashed through my mind.

She came through the open roll-up carrying her sample case and a small travel bag. She was wearing a confused smile on her face. When she saw me at the piano, she gave a little wave and dropped her bags. She walked around and stuck her head in the door of the practice room.

"Hey cowboy. What's up?" Her tone was one of mild concern because she knew I didn't usually play in the middle of the day unless something was really bothering me.

I played a measure or two before answering, pretending to concentrate on the music. When I answered, I knew I had to tell her everything.

"Bonnie, I got a problem."

"Well, I guessed that."

"Grab a beer and let's talk."

Bonnie grabbed one of the Shiners and settled herself into the overstuffed loveseat that sat in the corner.

"I'm going to tell it to you straight. I had sex with someone I met on a job this morning."

"Sex? It that all, I thought someone had died." Bonnie was twice divorced herself, and by this time in life, her outlook was pretty laid back. It was one of the things that had attracted me to her.

"It was serious sex. I think I want more."

"Well, too bad for you, 'cause I'm not into threesomes, and if we're going to live together, I'm not going to be kept guessing about where you're sleeping every night."

"It gets worse."

"Worse in what way?"

"She's eighteen."

"Oh Christ Mike, you're a moron."

I was feeling pretty stupid about then, so I couldn't do much more than nod my head and agree.

"It wasn't like I seduced her or something. It was mutual, and it snuck up on the both of us."

"Well, was it safe sex? Did you use a condom? Is she on the pill?"

"No, I told you it snuck up on us."

"Man, you're really a piece of work." Bonnie fumed. I could tell she was starting to lose it.

"Look Bonnie. I'm really sorry I cheated on you, but it wasn't planned, it just happened. The thing about her being eighteen just didn't seem to matter at the time. I was playing, and she whipped our her violin, and before I knew what hit me we were playing this duet, and she was so good and played so passionately that I just couldn't stop myself." I knew I sounded like a teenager making excuses to a parent, but I couldn't stop myself from babbling.

"What is it with you and female musicians?"

I wasn't sure if Bonnie was referring to my first wife or to the girlfriend before Bonnie.

"It's not just that she's a musician Bonnie. It's the way she played. She put her whole soul into it, and it's a beautiful soul. I've never played with someone who could make me overlook their mistakes. You know what trouble I have with accepting less than perfection in my music. It's like she opened a door for me. God knows I need that."

"Woof." It was the sound of all the building anger rushing out of Bonnie. She spoke calmly now.

"Mike, I can't compete with a beautiful soul, especially one who's eighteen and plays violin." Her voice was level, but I did detect a little tear beginning in the corner of one eye.

"I just don't know." was the best response I could muster. Then as I watched Bonnie's face, I felt like such an asshole and I wanted to punish myself. I made a sudden decision.

"Bonnie, I promise you I'm not going to see her anymore. It's crazy. She's young, I'm old, it was a spur of the moment thing that will never last. You and I have a good stable thing going here. It's not worth screwing up." Once again, I thought I was saying the right thing to a woman, and once again I was wrong.

"Stable? Stable? Is that all you can say for our relationship? I don't want stable. I want something that's moving toward a future. I want a man who loves me. Mike, I'm getting too old to waste any more time. Someday soon, I want children and a family. You've never even told me you love me."

"Bonnie, you know the way I feel about you. We're friends, best buddies. Just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't feel it." I was just digging myself an even deeper hole.

"Look Mike, here's the deal. You've got to make up your mind what you want. Nothing I can say is going to change how you feel about me. Either we have something or we don't. I'll be spending the night in town. Call me when you've made up your mind."

With that, Bonnie took the bags she'd come with and walked resolutely out my big roll-up picture window. It was one of the saddest sights I'd ever seen, but all I could do is to sit at my piano picking the label off a Shiner bottle.

-- A Variation --

I went through the rest of the day in a haze. Once he left, it was hard to believe what had happened between us. The fact that the old Steinway was now in perfect tune was the only evidence of his visit... well, that and the pleasant tenderness I was feeling in my breasts and between my legs. I did my nanny duties on autopilot. The kids somehow got fed and delivered where they needed to be and I spent the afternoon fantasizing about Mike and our future together. I now knew exactly what I wanted from my life. It was only a question of figuring out how to make those fantasies come true.