Chapter 99

"Damn, Mom. I oughta bring you to school for show and tell during sex ed."

"Well, there's no reason a girl has to torture herself to bring pleasure to her man. And if she does it right, it will be more pleasurable for him, too."

"Well, it seems to be very popular with a lot of people. I read that they spent $25,000 to make Deep Throat and it's brought in over six hundred million."

"I'm sure it has. But Linda Lovelace's husband got her to learn how to do that by putting a gun to her head. No woman should have to go through that."

Jill said, "Nobody has to force me."

My sister chimed in, "Yeah, but that's because you're a little slut."

"I didn't see you complaining the other night with the banana." She took my hand. "Just because I want to please my man doesn't make me a slut."

"Girls, Girls, Girls. Knock it off with the name calling. Mary, haven't you gotten it yet that being willing to share and experiment with somebody isn't a bad thing?"

"I know. It's just that my experience..."

"Honey, we all know that what you went through was terrible. But you have to put it behind you. It's not fair to punish someone who loves you because you went through something bad."

"How is calling her a slut going to punish someone?"

"It reflects your attitude. When you are in love with someone, there is no right and wrong. There's no such thing as dirty. As long as the two of you agree, anything goes in the bedroom. Or anywhere else you agree."

"Mom, there are some things that are just plain gross."

"Yes, Mary there are. And there are some things that are different that you might find are enjoyable if you're willing to give up your prejudices and the way society says it should be. I swear to God, if the Puritans had been boffed by the Indians when they landed, things might be a whole lot better in this country today. And there are a bunch of feminists who'd be better off if they were getting a good, stiff cock on a regular basis."

"Mah-um!"

"I'm serious. There's an old saying about the perfect wife. She's a five star chef in the kitchen, the perfect hostess at your parties and an absolute whore in bed. But if the feminists had men who loved them, they wouldn't be able to blame them for everything that they consider to be wrong with the world.

"Tell me, Jack. Does Jill take good care of you?"

"God, yes."

"And how do you feel about her?"

"I love her to death. I'd do anything I could for her."

"Jill? Do you feel that you're any less a woman because you make Jack happy?"

"I'm more a woman than I've ever been. And he makes me happy, too."

"That's the way it's supposed to be. It's funny that people will call Jack a stud and then turn around and call Jill a slut for doing the same things."

"Mom?"

"Yes, Mary."

"After my mouth heals a bit, would you show me some of that stuff with the banana?"

"Sure, Honey."

Jill was back to her normal self, leaning against me, holding my hand. I leaned over and gave her a quick kiss. I thought I should talk to her and find out what had upset her so much with Wanda but was frankly afraid to piss her off again. I decided to wait her out a bit. Either she'd come out with it or Mom would force it out of her. If neither of those things happened, I could always bite the bullet and bring it up. At least there wasn't a couch in the apartment for her to make me sleep on if I pissed her off.

I got up to help myself to a third bowl of chili when I heard it. Short, not very loud, but somebody definitely farted. I glanced over at the table and saw that Jill was sitting up straight, her hands resting on the table, holding each other, and that she was trying hard not to smile. Sara was looking at her funny.

I sat back down and had just lifted a spoonful of chili up to my mouth when Sara kid of raised up, leaned over to the right and let out a sustained fart.

"Sara!"

She looked back at my sister, as innocent as Mother Theresa. "What? It was the dogs."

That got a snort from Jill, who looked over at the two innocents on the rug by the door.

"Bozo. Shame on you."

Bozo raised his head, got up and walked over to Jill as if he'd been summoned.

The next one up was Mom. She was blatant about it, leaning forward with an elbow on the table, raising herself up to one cheek and letting go. It was a fart that would have done me proud.

"Mah-um!"

She ignored my sister. "Good chili, Jill."

Jill lifted up and let one go for real this time.

"I enjoy it. The beans are real good."

That got a laugh out of everybody but Mary, who look around at everybody, a disgusted look on her face.

I felt the urge and figured what the hell. Mary looked over at me.

"God, Jack. You are so disgusting." She pushed Mom out of the way, got up and left the kitchen.

"Come on, Dino." He got up, looked at the rest of us, then followed her out to the couch.

Sara pretended to cover her mouth with her hand to prevent being heard.

"She's just mad because she has to eat soup."

That got another laugh out of everyone.

I got up and went into the bathroom, voiding myself more than normal. Something about homemade chili makes a really big dump almost mandatory.

I came out of the bathroom and Jill was waiting across the hall from the door. She pushed by me.

"God, you took a long time."

"I don't know if I'd go in there yet."

"You ain't seen nothin' yet. Wait till we're in bed together all night." She pushed in and shut the door.

I'd known I wasn't the only one in the household who passed gas on occasion. Even Mary had been known to fart, though I'd never seen her make a display of it like the other three had tonight. I expected them to have a belching contest while seeing who could spit the furthest off the front porch next.

The point is, I shouldn't have been surprised to find out that my girlfriend's body worked like all the rest of ours. Or that Sara's did.

I went into the kitchen just in time to see Sara get up.

"God, I've got to go. I hope she doesn't take a long time."

"Maybe the floor's dry in my place and you can use my bathroom."

Mom said, "Sara, you can use my bathroom." Sara headed out and down the hall.

"Jack, you know you aren't supposed to go in there before 9:00 tonight."

"I know, that's what Alex said. Wait a minute. How do you know? You were taking a nap when he was working on the floors."

"Jack, you think too much. Alex told me it wouldn't be ready before I went to sleep."

"Oh."

Jill came out and grabbed her bowl. "I think I'll have another."

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

She pinched my cheek. "Never enough of my chili, Jack."

She filled up her bowl and looked at Mom and I. By the time she sat back down, all three of us had bowls of chili and there was one waiting for Sara when she got back. Jill started eating; I could tell she wanted to say something but wasn't quite ready to come out with it.