Chapter 19

It was as if I was up above my body, watching myself swim. I could see I wasn't up to my normal speed but I couldn't make myself listen. I sat there helpless, like watching a horror movie when you know the two girls are going to be attacked any minute. I lost the race by two tenths of a second. My best event, the 200 meter freestyle.

The guy I lost two had placed fifth in the statewide competition last year and was a good swimmer. But I know I could have beat him if I was 100%. I got lots of sympathy and claps on the back by everyone, including Coach. It could happen to anyone, you were bound to lose sometime, better now than at the championships.

The thing is, I knew I blew it. And I knew why.

The human mind is a miraculous thing. It can conceive things never imagined before and make them real. It can rationalize frailty so that the biggest screwup in the world can convince himself he's something special. And it can take a little data and twist it around and reach a conclusion. Not necessarily a good conclusion, a correct conclusion, but an accepted conclusion, nonetheless.

What "facts" did my mind have to work with? First, Jill thought she was on some kind of probation until such time that I decided we knew each other well enough and I liked her enough to stick with her. Second, she was worried she had some competition from a girl I'd known for years, who lived near me, was in most of the same classes I was and I realized I wanted to know better. Third, Jill had not answered her phone or returned messages, last night and this morning.

The conclusion my mind handed me? You've lost her, buddy. She's gone. She figured it wasn't worth the heartbreak to wait for you to make up your mind, especially when you've got a honey waiting in the next seat over at school. She was ignoring my calls and my messages.

Forget the fact that she made the effort to walk to school with the four of us and convince herself that Sara wasn't a threat. Somehow she'd let Sara know she was in deep shit if she even looked at me and poor Sara was scared. Mary could probably explain to me how Jill was able to terrify someone without speaking a word to her, but I couldn't figure it out.

But when it was all over, there wasn't any affection from Jill. Sara left, I got a peck on the cheek and a "See ya" and she was gone. And that's the last time I saw or heard from her.

So, was I better off for the experience? All I know is before I met Jill I was able to swim. I hadn't lost an event in over two years and I was third in the state. After meeting, falling in love with and losing Jill, I lost the first event I was in.

I guess I'd be able to talk to girls, which is something I had a hard time doing pre-Jill. But would I want to? Did I want to put my heart on the line again, only to have it broken, crushed as it was now? That was definitely something to think about. No problem there. If the past two days had taught me anything, it was that I have no problem thinking about things. My problem's NOT thinking about them.

About this time I was called for my second event. The 400 meter freestyle. I wasn't up in the sky this time. I was right there inside my head, watching the guy in the lane next to me pull away. My turns went fine, thanks to the drilling I'd done. I could do those without thinking, without effort. It was just my swimming that sucked. I tried. I really tried. But it just seemed the harder I tried, the faster he went. It was as if my energy was affecting his speed, not mine. I lost by 3.2 seconds. The next closest person was over 5 seconds back, but that didn't help any.

I'd had enough. I had my shot at love and I blew it. No reason to obsess on it any further. Time to realize Jill was gone and get on with my life.

The pats on the back and "You'll get 'em next time"s were fewer and a lot less sincere. I didn't think I would be out if I got three strikes but I didn't want them just the same.

I felt a lot better when it was time to line up for my third event, the 200 meter breaststroke. I looked down the pool. Twenty five meters to the end. Just 8 laps, faster than the others and I'd have this one. I can do it.

My dive was clean. I was almost halfway down the pool when I took my first stroke. Provided you get off cleanly, it makes sense to let your momentum carry you through the water for a while before you start swimming. The reason is friction. When you do the breaststroke, a good portion of your body is out of the water. You push with your arms but you waste a lot of the energy you've produced fighting the water with your body. Using the momentum of the dive and reducing the friction between you and the water means you can make faster progress doing nothing than you can swimming. Of course, that faster progress decreases with each foot, with each tenth of a second. Because you can't get rid of friction. The key is to know how long you can get away with using the momentum of the dive before it's time to start swimming.