Chapter 23

"I'm afraid things aren't going to work out between her and me," Kelly said after Jessica went upstairs, sadness flooding across her face. "She's too scared or too distrustful or too something, I don't know what, to relax and be comfortable with you... to be... to be..."

"A part of the family?" Margo asked.

"Yeah, that's it, that's it exactly! And she resents that I am a part of it. If she can't come to terms with it, I don't see much future for us."

"You know that whatever happens, we'll be here for you," Carol said, stroking Kelly's hair.

Margo wrapped her arms around Kelly and hugged her tight. "You're a part of us, sweetheart, nothing can change that."

For a long time the three of them sat together on the floor, touching each other. Slowly the consternation grew on Kelly's face until she gave it voice.

"And that's another thing that's pissin' me off," Kelly said angrily, shrugging out of their arms. "Right now I want get the two of you naked and make love like there's no tomorrow but I know, sure as I do, Jess'll come out of our room and take it wrong and get pissed or hurt... I'm startin' to resent her. And I never want to resent her. I don't mind editing my behavior on occasion because it's not a good time, I mind it feeling like it's never a good time, and that any time I spend with you is some sort of special fuckin' gift she's giving me as a great fuckin' sacrifice!"

"Well honey, we couldn't anyway, you know Harry's liable to be home with his sister any time," Carol said soothingly.

"Oh bullshit! You know Harry's going to call and give us plenty of time." She turned and pushed Margo down on a pile of cushions. "And Big Mama, you know what I want to do to you," she fell upon her, in full predatory mode. She reached back and grabbed Carol, pulling her down as well, "And what I want to do to Juicy-sweet here, and even if all of that went down, there's nothing we couldn't clean up," she moved her hand down inside of Margo's shorts, caressing her cunt and back out again, "and have you looking all wifely when they get home." She thrust her head into the front of Margo's shirt, using her chin to pop the buttons as she drug her face down Margo's front.

Margo took her head gently in her hands. "Sweetie, I understand, I do... you're angry right now, and you're acting out that anger by doing something that could lead to a quick resolution of all your problems. But that quick resolution would be driving Jess away, and you don't really want that."

Carol pulled her off of Margo into a hug. "I agree, Kelly. Why don't you go up there and talk to her, or just sit with her while she thinks?

"Because," Kelly said, struggling to keep the tears out of her voice, "I just want her to be part of the family, for all this to be okay... and damn it, I want it now! I mean, I can understand, in my head, why she's having these problems, but my heart doesn't understand at all. To me, wanting to become a member of the family was as natural as breathing... it was resisting that urge that was difficult and required thought and effort. How can someone, especially someone in Jess' position, at odds with her mother, few friends, no other family, not want to be a part of a group that's already welcomed her with open arms?"

"I don't know either," Carol said. "But one thing I do know. Relationships take work, a lot of it, and that work has to be done even when you don't want to have to do it, or you're tired, or you're frustrated, or you're pissed off. You know that as well as I do. You and Jessica are worth the effort. Go to it."

"Yeah, I know... just felt like being a selfish, spoiled bitch for awhile," Kelly replied, shaking her head ruefully.

"No baby, you're tired and frustrated, not selfish and spoiled. Trust me... we'd beat you if you were selfish and spoiled," Margo said smiling, hugging Kelly once more.

Kelly got up off the floor and looked down at Margo, her old familiar grin back on her face.

"You know, you keep making those promises..."

And she headed upstairs to be with her lover.

"... and so that's how things stand as of this morning," Harry finished, looking down at his empty beer mug. "Glass of water, please, Ruben?" he said, raising a hand towards the bartender.

His sister looked at him, thoughts flickering across her face too rapidly to read. She rooted around in the remnants of the flaky mushroom crusts, found a bit she liked and popped it in her mouth, chewing it slowly.

"Harry, are you sure you aren't just in the middle of some wonderful dream?" she asked, gazing at her brother speculatively.

"Nope, although most days I ask myself something similar at least once. I've never been so happy, Nicki. I mean, don't get me wrong, there have been rough times, and I have no doubt there'll be more. But I know now that there's nothing I can't face with the help of my friends and family. Nothing.

"Now, if all this is too freaky and weird for you, I'll gladly put you up at a hotel, no problem. But I'd love you to come home, stay with us... all of us."

"Oh, I'm coming with you... don't worry, my sensibilities aren't shocked at all, except in that whole 'this is happening and my big brother is in the middle of it' way." She smiled. "I'm just trying not to let my envy of you eat my head.

"The last five years have been... well, they've been very lonely, Harry. After the divorce, I didn't date for a long time, and then when I did start going out again, it was like every guy I met punched the wrong buttons somehow. Finally I just said 'fuck it' and gave up on a social life. I'm married to my vibrator. I haven't named it, but I figure that'll be the next step towards becoming a social hermit.

"And you've really cut your schedule back to three days a week? Karen, too?"

"Ahyup. Just this morning Margo decided that the three of us need more 'us' time, so she's moving her day off to Monday as soon as she can. We don't need more money, we need more life."

"Sounds heavenly... I'm still putting in 90 to 100 hour weeks; I'm tired all the time. My editors have been kind enough not to say it yet, but I can tell that the quality of my work is suffering."

"You still on tranqs?"

"Occasionally... whenever I finish a story and realize that although it's over, I'm still too wired to relax, rest, sleep. Then? You betcha. Otherwise, not so much. Mostly I just drink too much."

"I keep telling ya, smoke dope and it'll go easier with you."

"Well, from what you've told me, I'm probably not going to have much of a choice while I'm staying with you, am I? I've always been too worried about getting caught to really relax and enjoy it."

"Well, we'll work on that as well... try to sway you to the outlaw side of the Force," Harry said with a grin.

"You're on," she replied, her corresponding grin clearly marking them as siblings.

Kelly walked into the bedroom she shared with Jessica to find her lover packing.

"Jess, angel, you want to tell me what's happening?" she asked, fear already making itself heard in her voice.

Jessica turned to her, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes, sliding down on top of the tracks of older tears tracks.

"I've called Quan and she said I could crash out on her couch for awhile, until I could find my own place.

"Kelly, I love you. I know you love me. But I thought about it, like Margo said, and it hit me hard when I realized that I need to be somebody's 'one and only'. I need that. I need to be the special one that my lover's life revolves around, just like she's the one I revolve around.

"And please believe me; I understand why I can't be that for you, not full-time. This family of yours, they're some wonderful people and I love them all, but they don't fill the same roles in my life that they do in yours.

"I want to go on dating you, I definitely want to go on making love with you, and anytime you want to get together, just the two of us, you can bet I'll be available. Hell, face it Kelly. You give me the right look and I'll follow you almost anywhere.

"But I just can't stay in this close of a relationship this way. It isn't working for me at all. And it's best for me, and I think for you as well, if I go before the frustration makes it ugly."

And then they both were crying and reaching for each other. And Kelly said "I'm sorry" and Jessica said "you never promised me it would be any different" and they fell together on the bed and held each other and cried because they each were they way they were.

The pale blue Ford Econoline van that had been an unnoticed part of Harry's life for quite some time pulled into traffic several car lengths behind Harry and Nicki as they left The Pearl.

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time," Nicki said as they made their way back to the house. "Not everything I said at that rehearsal dinner had the purest motivations."

"No, I told you, you were right, hell, you were more than right. Everything you said was dead on."

"No, I'm not saying what I said was wrong, goofball, I'm saying that the reasons I hit you with it weren't necessarily the high and mighty "I must save my brother from a disastrous marriage" ones that you might imagine they were."

"I'm still not following you," Harry said as he shifted lanes.

"I know, I'm off to a real dismal start at explaining it. Alright, let's try it this way; I've had three strong male figures in my life while I was growing up. Every last one of them was, in his own way, an exemplary human being.

"There was Dad, who was always special, but who showed me in the last years of Momma's life that there was nothing more important than love and family. He put his entire life into taking care of her and keeping the two of us feeling that there was hope for her, and for us as a family, no matter what the doctors said or how bad it looked.

"There was Eddy, who, once I got over being terrified of him when I was younger, taught me that no matter how fierce and strong and imposing a man is, he can still be gentle and kind and thoughtful and sweet. And furthermore that exhibiting those qualities doesn't lessen him in any way, but instead strengthens him.

"And then there was you, brother dear. After Momma and Dad died, you didn't really change, you just shouldered the burden of being executor of their estates, helping me through the grieving and kept on keeping on. You showed me a lesson I have yet to really master... that you can be who you are and still be successful, you can remain true to yourself and still do what you need to do. I mean, come on, in high school would anyone have believed you'd be co-owner of a successful business? Yet until An-... until that woman, you never stopped being good ol' Harry Grimes, same as you ever were.

"And so with the three of you as the strong male images in my life, is it any wonder Patrick didn't measure up? I mean, it's not like Patrick didn't have his own set of issues that would have had us hitting divorce court sooner or later, but there was no way in fucking hell he could measure up to the ideals I held for what a man could and should be."

"Okay, Nicki," Harry said, checking the rear-view mirror as he shifted lanes again and took an off-ramp.

"Hey, you didn't signal!"

"I know, my bad, I'm sorry... so you have a view of me that's rose-colored at best and being exposed to Dad and Eddy, as well as your delusions where I'm concerned, led to some unrealistic expectations of Patrick. How does this relate to what you said at the rehearsal dinner, or better said, how does it relate to your motives for saying what you did?"

Nicki punched him in the shoulder.

"Ow!"

"Rose-colored, my ass! What it has to do with my motives is that not only was I telling you my honest evaluation of that woman and what I saw in her... but even if you'd been marrying the perfect woman for you, flawless in every way, I would have been looking for something, anything, making shit up... simply because to me, there couldn't be a woman good enough for you.

"You're a very special man, and I couldn't find a way to tell you at the time, I couldn't have found the words and I didn't recognize what was going on... but I was telling you what I told you not only because Ang-... that woman... was a cum-guzzling dumpster slut from the seventh level of skank hell, but because to me there was no woman good enough for you."

"I love you too, sis. And thank you. I may disagree with your evaluation, but I appreciate your honesty and I love you."

"Harry, is there any reason you turned off way the fuck ahead of our exit?"

"Uh, yeah... yeah, I got distracted by the conversation and thought I was one place when I was really another. That's the problem with these strip malls, make it damn hard for someone who almost subconsciously navigates by landmarks.

"But look, there's a Baskin-Robbins... and I'm in the mood for ice cream. You still a Rocky Road junkie or have you turned from the darkness and joined the Enlightened Ones who worship Mint Chocolate Chip?"

"That was Harry. He and Nicki have stopped off for ice cream... the rat bastard! I told him to bring some home for us too," Margo said as she hung up her phone. "So, since the kids are upstairs hopefully making nice with each other, it's just you and me, darling."

"Oh shucky darn," said Carol as she flowed into Margo's arms and they began to dance again.

"So, with you having no luck with men, wearing out batteries on your toys... you ever considered giving women a try?" Harry asked, looking out the window as he ate his ice cream, smiling evilly.

"HARRY! We're in a Baskin-fuckin'-Robbins, for Christ's sake! Watch what you say!"

"I'm not the one who just said a naughty word and blasphemed... but I will keep my voice down... now, quit avoiding the question."

Nicki's voice dropped to a whisper. "Yeah, once or twice... there's this woman at the office... Georgina... God, she's gorgeous... well, she walks both sides of the street and one day after a particularly rough story finally got filed, she stopped by my desk and invited me out for drinks with her and some other girls after work.

"Turned out the rest of the women made an early night of it... I was going to as well, but she convinced me I deserved a mental health day and tying one on that night was the perfect excuse to call in sick the next day. Turned out she and I both called in, neither one of us was hung-over, but we spent the day in bed anyway. I've seen her again, but it's real casual... definitely fuck-buddies, no romance at all, and she does her best to keep it that way. Why do you ask, you pervert?"

"Well, it was sort of a necessary question. Sexy as you are, once the crew got relaxed around you, it was going to be a race to see whether Kelly or Carol made the first move on you." He continued to scan the parking lot. "And I don't mean anything subtle, either. I mean naked, wild and willing woman, crawling into your lap and doing a full-court-press kind of move. And if you hadn't considered that side of the street, I was gonna tell you that you might want to start doing so. And if you were totally opposed to the idea, I'd know so I could warn the little hedonists."

"You mean the gang isn't going to be on their best behavior just because I'm visiting?"

"All depends... you want to be treated as a guest, or as family?"

Nicki sat back in her chair, stuck another spoonful of Rocky Road in her mouth and sucked on it thoughtfully.

"I'd like to be treated as family... but I'm not sure how comfortable I'll be getting naked myself."

"Don't worry about it. No one holds a gun to anybody's head, and a motion to adjourn to a bedroom is always in order. Hell, Eddy is very rarely without a stylin' set of boxers."

"Harry?"

"Yeah, Nicki?"

"What the hell's so damned fascinating out in the parking lot?"

He started, then looked over at her guiltily. "I'm sorry, sis. It's just so pretty out there, and this is the kind of conversation it's easier for me to have with my sister if I'm not looking at her."

The occupants of the blue Econoline van spotted Harry's car once again. Fearing they'd been made, they parked their vehicle at the far end of the lot and watched, waiting for Harry to show.

Harry smiled; a tight, grim, bitter smile. He turned from the window.

"But you're right, it's a conversation best had face to face," he said, gazing into Nicki's eyes. "Myself, I don't worry about being naked. I know that with the wealth of beautiful women around, nobody's going to be looking at me, other than any of the aforementioned beautiful women who I'm blessed to be intimate with, so I get over my shyness that way."

"Yeah, but... I mean, you're my brother, Harry... I think that's gonna give me the heebie-jeebies."

He looked at her incredulously. "Did you just say 'heebie-jeebies'? I haven't heard anyone use that term in years! Come to think of it, the last person I heard use it was you."

"So sue me, Harry, you rat! I still use 'heebie-jeebies'. Get over it! Do you mean to tell me that having me there isn't going to give you pause about getting naked?"

"Okay, it might... but as soon as someone distracts you, I'll probably not worry about it anymore and get comfortable. Really, Nicki, at the end of it all, that's what it's all about. Whatever you're comfortable with. If it turns out you're not comfortable with any of it, that'll be okay to, we'll bring any such party to a close and call it an early night."

"But that would make me a 'guest', wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, but if that's how you're comfortable, then there's nothing wrong with it. We have friends and acquaintances and associates that we'd no more get freaky around than we'd run down the street, naked and painted blue. Doesn't mean we think less of them, we just realize that not everyone is comfortable with our type of get-together. In fact, later this summer, after the pool and all that is finished, we'll be having two parties... one for the neighbors and our work associates, one for friends, family members and fellow freaks. It's my devout hope I can avoid having them on the same weekend."

"Oh, but Harry, think about it... what a great weekend it would be!"

"Yeah, think about it, I'd need a week off to recuperate!"

The two siblings laughed their remarkably similar laughs together.

"So, you're really determined to do this?" Kelly asked, tears streaming down her face.

"Baby, I have to, for me. I love you, hell, I love them too. I just can't live in a relationship like this right now. It's hurting you, it's hurting me... that'll just end up ripping us apart. This way, I have time to maybe wrap my head around everything, work something out. Maybe I find somebody who can love me as that one and only in their life. But I need the freedom to explore the options."

"Okay. You know if you need anything, all you have to do is call, right?"

"Of course I do... and you know the same?"

"Yeah... yeah, I know. Lemme help you get this stuff down to your car. You can leave the rest of it here in storage until you get settled somewhere a bit more permanent than Quan's couch."

The two young women trudged down the stairs with a sense of resigned finality. In spite of everything they'd said to each other, in both their minds they were very afraid this was a final good-bye, at least as far as their relationship was concerned.

Margo and Carol stopped in mid-dance, watching the two of them as they crossed the living room.

"You two need any help?" Carol asked.

"No, we've got it," Jessica answered, "but hugs and kisses good-bye would be great." She could barely keep herself from dissolving into tears again.

The four women moved out to Jessica's car and Margo and Carol watched as Kelly and Jess loaded it like they were marching to the guillotine immediately after they finished.

After hugs and kisses were exchanged, Jessica looked at Margo.

"Guess you didn't think this was how me 'thinking about it' would turn out," she said.

"I was afraid there was a possibility of it turning out this way," Margo replied. "I just hoped it wouldn't."

"Tell Harry and the rest of the gang I'll see 'em later," Jessica said and she slid into her car, started the engine and roared away, trying to avoid letting her friends and lover see her burst into sobs.

She didn't succeed.

Kelly stood, watching her go, Margo on one side of her, Carol on the other, taking comfort in their closeness.

"Kelly, do you think she's doing what's right for her?" Carol asked.

"Yeah, yeah I do... that's part of why it doesn't hurt as bad as it could, I think. It's not like she's making some big mistake. Don't get me wrong... I'd give anything... except what I can't give... to have her..." She broke down and buried her face in her hands.

The two women helped their crying sister into the house.

"Sis, excuse me for a minute, I need to make a call."

Harry got up and went outside, standing out of the way of traffic on the sidewalk and hit Eddy's number on speed dial.

Eddy lay on his back, his tiny and precious Theresa lying atop him. Their day had been a slow and languorous one, filled with making love, leisurely meals and much lounging about the apartment.