Chapter 36

I didn't sleep well that night. My brain churned and whirled and just wouldn't quiet down. It didn't seem to matter how much I thought about what had happened with Sharon, though. I kept coming to the same conclusion: I'd done the right thing by walking out.

It still hurt, of course. I couldn't help remembering how she'd been there for me after Alicia dumped me. And how she'd encouraged me to chase Tina and nudged me into what looked like the best romantic relationship of my life.

But still.

I also couldn't help kicking myself for being blind to what she was really after. After nine months of silence, her first letter asked about Allen? Re-establishing the friendship with me seemed incidental. I was sure that if she hadn't heard that wrong rumor that he was getting divorced, she never would have written.

And once I started looking at things from that perspective, so much more fell into place. Her forgetting to buy film? Ha! She wasn't that forgetful. New pictures were simply bait. I'd told her I was seeing Allen and I was sure she was hoping or expecting me to mention the pictures to him. After all, her interest in posing had gone up dramatically after he discovered those first shots under my bed, so many years ago.

The problem was, it didn't all fit. Why'd she done the first set? That seemed to be much more spontaneous—the result of alcohol and some flirting. And the stories—as much as she wanted some of them to be about Allen, she'd appreciated others that weren't about him, and even written me one. She'd even agreed to come to D.C. after she knew Allen was married.

It didn't all make sense. But the one thing that did make sense was exactly what I'd said before I'd left. There was no philios in our friendship. Maybe there had been once, but certainly not anymore. And that meant walking out had been exactly the right thing to do.

I just didn't like myself for doing it.

I wrestled with that one for a while. I kept coming up with rational logical explanations that died in my tossing and turning. While they made as much sense as why I couldn't sleep, they also weren't getting me anywhere.

In the end, I realized it was simply because I knew I'd hurt Sharon. Not only by walking out, but earlier. Relationships, even friendships, take two, right? I was just as responsible for the whole mucked up friends with benefits, friends without benefits mess as she was. How much had I encouraged her to move on from Allen? Not enough. How much had I enabled her to not move on? Even if she'd been the one to break the rules in our disastrous night in D.C., her charge that I'd manipulated things to set it up was true.

There were a lot of times I didn't show philios to her either.

Which meant a lot of my obsession the past year was simply wanting her to forgive me. I was sure Sherri had seen that. Sherri also understood that yearning, too.

But, I had to admit, a lot of it was simply the old animal urge. I had wanted to have sex with her, and was willing to put up with a lot for the chance it might happen.

I played my words back through my brain. Had wanted. I softly snorted to myself. Not after last night, I realized. Not with someone who didn't want me and was only using me as a stand-in for a long lost love. I had friends, true friends, who were happy to sleep with me, and a romantic love that just might be coming back into my life.

Thinking of Tina calmed me. I let my mind shift over to memories and more relaxing fantasies of her. It wasn't long after that when I finally fell asleep.

The next morning I debated a little about calling Sherri. On the one hand, I kind of felt like I'd leaned on her too much in the past. On the other hand, she was my friend. I vacillated for a while until I realized I could just tell her that.

"Hey," I said, once she was on the phone and we'd made our greetings. "I wanted to tell you about last night with Sharon. But as a friend, not a counselor, okay?"

"Sure, Joe," she said. "I've been wondering what happened."

"Well ... how long do you have?"

"As much time as you want."

An hour later, I'd completed the entire story, in all its gory detail, from me running late, to the photo album, to the exact words of our final exchange, as best I remembered them. I also told her about my ruminations when I was trying to fall asleep. She only asked a few questions while I poured my heart and mind out, mostly just making encouraging noises along the way.

"So what do you think?" I said, when I'd finally run the conversational torrent dry.

"I think you did the right thing," she said. "Walking out."

"I think so, too. But I don't know what to do next."

"Why do anything?"

"We were good friends once," I said.

"And once she was with Allen. But life goes on."

I sighed. "That it does."

"Besides, better to get out now than later."

"Huh?"

"If," she said, "you hadn't had that blow up at the end, what would have happened?"

"Probably some pictures after I'd seen Allen," I said. "Then maybe more later, depending on what happened with Tina."

"And you would have kept lusting after a woman who doesn't find you attractive."

"Well," I said, "I lust after you, and you don't find me attractive, being a lesbian and all."

"But I do love you," Sherri said. "And that's enough. It makes the sex fun, even if you're not the type I find attractive enough to fall in romantic love with."

"True. It's not the same with Sharon."

"Not at all. So, what would it have done to your self esteem to keep getting rejected time and time again by Sharon? Particularly when she was willing to let it get more sexual than a purely platonic friendship?"

I paused and let that sink in.

"It would suck," I finally said. "But at least I'd know it wasn't me."

"Yeah. You've got Tina."

"And you and Lisa," I said. "It's kind of hard to believe you're unattractive when women want to go to bed with you. Or at least did, in Lisa's case."

She chuckled. "She certainly did. Though sometimes I worry she's going to wear Robert out."

I laughed, knowing exactly what she meant.

"Well," I said, "maybe he should offer to share. Let her wear herself out with someone else."

"They're talking about something like that," she said. "Why, are you interested?"

I hesitated. As much as I knew sex with Lisa was very good, it didn't feel quite right.

"No," I said. "At least not now. I would hate to screw up things with Tina, or for Lisa with Robert. Besides, things are pretty good between us as friends right now."

"That's good to hear," she said. "A lot of guys would've thought with their dicks."

"Me included," I said. "And maybe I'll change my mind down the road, but right now it doesn't feel right."

"That's a good attitude."

"Yeah," I said. "I'm feeling a lot better about this than about any break-up I've had in the past."

"Interesting term."

I replayed the sentence in my mind. "Break-up? I guess it is."

"Anything else?"

"I'd love to get together when I get back," I said. "If that's not too much of an imposition, of course. I know things are pretty busy for you about then."

"Oh, I'm sure we can come up with something. You should have some reward for having the strength to walk out on a woman in lingerie."

I grinned. "Well, I'm sure you'll come up with something I'll enjoy."

"Definitely."

We didn't talk much longer, since we'd already spent so long on the phone and I knew my parents had plans for the afternoon. I hung up feeling much better and relieved about all that had happened.

It didn't hurt that it was the day before Christmas. I managed to push thoughts of Sharon aside as I threw myself into the family celebrations and had a genuinely good time.

The afternoon of Christmas Day, I also called Tina. Her parents' house was the usual madhouse of relatives and her happiness came through in her voice. Tina's finals had gone well and she was eager to come out to D.C. We had a great chat that was too short at twenty minutes, before obligations pulled her back to the merry chaos I heard in the background. After we hung up, I floated on her words for the rest of the evening.

My mood came crashing down a few days later, when I met Allen at the Denny's near my parents' place. While I was glad to see him, I couldn't help thinking of Sharon. We caught up on all of our other news before the itchiness at the back of my brain pushed me into bringing her up.

"So," I said, "one other thing came up. My friendship with Sharon is over."

He snorted. "About time. What'd she do? Or did you just get smart?"

I sighed. "A little of both. I got smart when I realized she was trying to use me to get to you."

"Figures." He took a swig of coffee and leaned back. "That letter she wrote? Before I got married? She said I was the 'love of her life' and if she couldn't be with me, she was glad I was happy.'" He took another sip. "The woman's nuts."

"That doesn't sound nuts."

He looked at me hard.

"Okay," I said, "I'm not going to defend her anymore."

"Good."

"Although I wish I'd seen it earlier."

"What was there to see?" he said. "It's not that she's drooling or spouting nonsense. At least most of the time."

"Well," I said, "it never really sunk in that she was still in love with you. I thought she was moving on, like I was with Alicia."

"She was never in love with me," Allen said. "She was in love with the idea of me."

I raised my eyebrows.

"With Jenna," he said, "she wants to do things to make me happy. She's happy when I'm happy. She cares for me. Sharon..." He snorted. "She wanted me for what I could do for her."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Oh, she'd do stuff for me, but it was like she was earning credit for what she could ask me later."

"Ah." I nodded. Not only did it make sense, it explained a lot.

"Dumping her was one of the best things I've done."

I didn't see any point in arguing, so I let the subject slide. Instead, I asked more about his relationship with Jenna.

"It's really good," he said. "I know she wants to make me happy. And that makes me want to make her happy, you know?"

I smiled, thinking of Tina, and some of the presents she'd given me. "I think I know what you mean."

"And I do the same for her."

I smiled again. "It took me a while to figure out that it's the giving that really matters."

Allen just nodded his head.

After a moment of silence, he changed the subject and asked about my parents. We chatted a little while longer and then paid our check, said our goodbyes, and headed out the door.

"Don't fuck it up with Tina, ya hear?" he called after me as I walked to my car.

I grinned and waved and then smiled all the way back to my parents' house.

When my flight touched down in D.C., I thought about calling Sherri right away, but it didn't seem right. I knew she was busy, and my concerns and worries could wait. Besides, it was late, and I knew she was going out the next evening, New Year's Eve. It didn't matter, though, as she'd left a message on my answering machine.

"Joe, this is Sherri. I know tomorrow is New Year's Eve, but can I stop by on the way to my 'date'? I've got something for you."

I couldn't help grinning. Now I definitely had something to look forward to.

I called Sherri back the next morning, and we arranged for her to stop by around six. I still went into work, to conserve my vacation time, but it was a slow, boring day, with my boss and most of my coworkers off on their own vacations. I ended up at home early, where I popped a bottle of wine and got out the photo album. I really hadn't gotten a good look at the photos of Sharon and Tina together, that night in Sharon's apartment, and I'd just tucked it into my suitcase at my parents' after that. The last day of the old year seemed as auspicious a time as any to go through it.

Of course, Sherri saw it as soon as she bustled in, slipping her coat off to reveal a tight black dress with a plunging neckline.

"Is this the album?" she asked.

I nodded. "Want to see?"

"Yes," she said. "As much as you've talked about Sharon and Tina, I'm curious as to what they look like."

"Well..." I slid the photo album across the table to her.

"Let's take this to the couch," she said. "That way you can answer any questions."

I agreed and we soon settled onto the cushions. She paged through the pictures slowly, gazing at each one for several seconds, as if absorbing it and committing it to memory. She complimented several of the ones with Sharon and Tina together, particularly for the symmetry of their poses. She also asked about the ones of Tina at the Grand Canyon, which I hadn't yet put in the album. When I retrieved them from the closet, her eyes lit up and she spent quite a while comparing those with the ones with Sharon in them.

"I'm comparing smiles," she said cryptically when I asked what she found so fascinating.

Finally she closed the book. "These are pretty impressive," she said. "Have you decided what you're going to do with them?"

I sighed. "I don't know. I want to keep the ones of Tina, but I'm not sure I should keep the ones of Sharon. Particularly if Tina and I get back together."

She nodded. "I can see her not wanting such intimate reminders around."

"Particularly with the history between Sharon and me. I mean, Tina might not have minded if things hadn't gone so south. She was there for the final set, after all."

"Exactly." She paused, staring out into space for a moment, and then met my eyes. "You'll have a pretty empty album if you take out all the ones of Sharon."

I shrugged dismissively. "I'm sure I can fill it later."

She grinned. "I'm sure you can."

"Yeah," I said, "So, you had something for me?"

Her grin turned devilish. "I thought you deserved something after your courage in walking away from a woman in lingerie."

I raised my eyebrows, waiting for her to explain more, but she didn't answer. Instead, she grabbed her purse and then slid off the couch onto the floor. Turning, she knelt before me and placed her hand on my cock.

"I can do this in my lingerie," she said licking her lips, "if you'd like."

I snorted. "Entirely your decision."

"I'm running a little late." With that, she unbuckled my belt and yanked my pants open.

I was already hard by the time she extracted my cock. She gave me a couple of quick strokes, grinning up at me. Then she fished a condom out of her purse, put it on the tip, and lowered her head. I gasped at her mouth enveloped me. Once again, I hadn't felt the condom roll on and could barely sense its presence.

She sucked hard and tight the way she knew I liked. Then she brought her hand up to caress my balls and the bottom of my shaft as she swirled her tongue around the head. It didn't take long before I gasped and exploded, closing my eyes as the pleasure rolled through me.

Sherri sat back on her haunches and smiled at me, still lightly holding my shaft.

"Do you want me to return the favor?" I asked.

"No." She glanced at the clock. "I need to get going."

I sighed, but didn't stop smiling.

"Okay. Maybe later."

"Maybe, but it's not necessary. This was your reward for walking away from Sharon."

"I didn't do it for the reward."

She nodded. "That makes it sweeter."

I chuckled because she was right.

We quickly cleaned up and I kissed her goodbye at the door. It wasn't even seven o'clock, and already it had been a great New Year's Eve.

We ended up having seven for breakfast on New Year's Day. Two women, who'd been showing up regularly for classes and events, had talked Sherri into training them as 'assistants.' I was not-so-secretly pleased at having successfully predicted that turn of events when I suggested the center in the first place, even though it meant I got to spend less time with Sherri myself. Similarly, one of her male clients had become an accepted regular presence at the center. A very shy guy, he seemed to be strongly attracted to one of the budding assistants, though he never seemed to act on it.

I thought about pulling him aside and making a couple of suggestions, but I was far too busy cooking. Sherri had seriously reduced the kitchen in her renovations and it was more of a challenge to cook for a group than it would have been in my own apartment. There just wasn't enough counter or table space to do all the prep.

The lack of table space meant we ate in the main meeting room, sitting in a circle on the floor. Sherri asked each of us to say a few words about what we wanted in the upcoming year. As each person talked, she asked questions, gently teasing out ways for them to act that might get what they wanted.