Chapter 11

I spent a lot of the afternoon thinking about Sherri's words. Did I want Tina back? Did I want Sharon back? My first impulse was 'yes, yes, yes!' How could Sherri even ask the question?

But based on what I'd told her so far, how could she not?

I'd glossed over all the casual conversations with Sharon. The simple sharing of the week. I hadn't mentioned the letters and calls that were about nothing other than the little minutiae that make up most days. I'd emphasized the 'benefits' more than the friendship. But then, that's what had been important to me at the time. Were they still?

As for Tina, I just shuddered. She had dumped me for good reason. I knew what it would take to get back together. Was I willing to pay the price?

The more I thought about them, the more I kept wrapping my brain around a pole. More like driving into a pole, actually. Sherri was right. I needed to talk this out. I couldn't figure things out in my own head. It was like I kept seeing part of the answers but could never bring them fully into focus.

I finally decided to give up and focus on problems I could solve. Like what to fix for brunch tomorrow morning.

I spent an hour thumbing through my extensive cookbook collection before deciding on a menu I thought would impress Sherri. It would require a trip to a specialty grocery store, but I had the time. As I thought about it, I realized that preparing the meal would certainly be better than spending another day sulking.

Sherri arrived right on time the next morning.

"Welcome! I'm not quite done cooking," I said as I let her in. She was dressed more casually than I'd seen her to date, in slacks, a blouse and a jacket. "Do you mind hanging out in the kitchen for a few minutes?"

"Sure. What are we having?"

"Crab and asparagus omelets. Fresh fruit compote with a special hard-to-find brandy sauce. Bacon, homemade biscuits with strawberry jam, and a hash brown cheese chili casserole, which is really just fancy hash browns that have been baked."

"Wow. You cooked all this yourself?" Sherri asked as she followed me into the kitchen.

"Yep," I answered.

"Pretty impressive."

"Glad you think so," I replied. "There's some gourmet coffee brewing over there," I indicated the coffee pot, "and there's apple juice and fresh squeezed orange juice in the fridge."

Sherri poured herself some coffee and then wandered over to the stove where I was swirling butter in the pan, watching it melt in preparation for the eggs. She asked how I was doing and I asked about her morning drive to my place.

"Have you thought about whether you want to get back together with Sharon or Tina?" Sherri asked after we'd finished exchanging pleasantries.

"I have," I said. "And you're right; it's not a simple question. I don't know what I want."

Sherri smiled, and slowly nodded her head.

"I keep thinking I'll be able to figure it out," I said. "But I can never quite see the answer. It's like there are some pieces to the puzzle that I can't see."

"There probably are," Sherri said. "They're hiding in a blind spot and none of us can see our own blind spots."

"That's kind of definitionally true."

"Sure," Sherri said, looking a little smug.

I didn't know quite what to say. Fortunately, I was almost done with the omelet, so I didn't have to. I motioned Sherri toward her seat and got the food plated and into serving dishes.

"This looks really good," Sherri said as I placed the food in front of her.

"Thanks," I said. "Tina taught me well and I've continued to practice after I moved to D.C."

"Good for you." Sherri took a couple of bites and smiled at me.

I watched her for a moment and then decided that maybe we didn't need to launch into my story right away.

"I have a question," I said.

"Shoot," Sherri replied.

"You said that, at least with you, I should ask for what I want."

"Yes, I did. So what do you want?"

"I want to know why you're doing this," I said.

"I told you," Sherri replied. "Because you need me to."

I frowned.

"The hooker with a heart of gold is a cliché," I said, crossing my arms.

"And sometimes clichés are true," Sherri shot back. She was smiling, apparently more amused than irritated with my tone.

"So, why is it true for you?" I asked.

"Definitely being assertive this morning, aren't we?" Sherri replied.

"You said I should ask," I said. Sherri chuckled.

"I did, and it's good to see you do so. But it's also a long story and we're already in the middle of your long story."

"Can you give me a quick summary?"

Sherri paused. She poured herself some juice while she thought and then looked over at me.

"Sure," she replied. "If you don't mind me talking while we eat."

"That'd be fine," I answered.

"My dad ran off when I was little," she began. "He'd send cards occasionally, and every now and then a check, but basically my mom raised my brother and me by herself. Mom's a feminist activist. She's worked for a handful of women's organizations here in D.C.—NOW, NARAL, AAUW, and several organizations you've never heard of. We spent a lot of time with Mom's friends and coworkers. Basically, I grew up listening to debates about discrimination, equal wages for equal work, and patriarchal oppression."

Sherri paused to sip some coffee.

"So when I entered college, I started as a women's studies major. In many ways, my classmates and the faculty were worse than my mom's friends and coworkers. They talked about how 'all men are latent rapists' and how men 'couldn't care less about what a woman needed in bed.' How 'only another woman could really satisfy a woman'."

"They were lesbians?" I asked.

Sherri nodded.

"Many of them. Militant lesbians. They liked Andrea Dworkin." Sherri took a few bites of omelet, thinking. "And they were preaching to young women who were often confused about their own sexuality. It was pretty overwhelming." She grimaced and took another bite. Then she began staring out into the distance. She spoke again without looking at me.

"Then ... then I learned that guys are just as confused. About women, sex, all of it. Men are not the enemy."

Sherri looked down at her plate. She was breathing slightly harder. I decided to just wait, eating some food myself, until she was ready to continue. After a few moments she looked up at me.

"The difference is, women can talk to other women. Give each other support. Men don't have that."

"I don't know about that," I said.

"Really? How many men can you talk to about sex? Openly and honestly from the heart, not the bragging of the locker room?"

"Not many," I admitted. "Allen, some. But that's about it."

"And you and Allen didn't go as deep in your conversations as you did with Sharon."

"True."

"Which is consistent with what I've seen with other men," Sherri continued. "Men will open up and talk with a woman about sex if they know the woman won't mind. Particularly if they don't have to worry about scoring with the woman."

I snorted. "Which is why they'll talk to you. You're a sure thing."

Sherri gave a wry smile.

"Actually, I'm less of a sure thing than most people think. But the fact that men think I am is enough."

"I can see that."

"Women have it a lot easier," Sherri asserted.

"Well," I began. "Not all women. Let me tell you about what happened with Tina the next day..."

The phone rang Wednesday evening just after dinner. It was Tina.

"Joe, can you meet me at the Student Union? Out front by Old Main?" Her voice carried a note of concern.

"Sure. Anything wrong?"

"No," Tina answered. "Not really."

"Okay. I can be there in about twenty minutes."

We hung up and I hiked over to campus, my mind awhirl with guesses as to what might be up. Tina was sitting on a bench when I approached and she stood when I arrived. I greeted her with a deep hug. There was something in her eye when I pulled back, so I didn't try to kiss her.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Well ... I've been thinking a lot about last night—which I enjoyed a lot! But like I said, I've had all these thoughts and I don't have anyone to talk to about them."

"Ah," I said. We sat back down on the bench side by side. "We did move a little fast."

"Yes. No. It's not the speed," Tina said. "It's just ... just so new. I mean, I loved what you did to me. And I'm really glad you ... enjoyed yourself too."

"I imagine that was the first time you had semen on your chest though."

Tina didn't quite blush, but bit her lip as she gave a wry grin.

"First time for many things," she said.

"Yeah, I noticed. I hope everything was okay."

Tina turned and looked at me.

"It was fine, Joe. In fact, it was incredible. It's just ... just so new. And there's no one I can really talk about it with. I can't talk about sex with my family or any of my friends. They're too conservative Catholic."

"All of your friends?"

"Maybe not all," Tina answered. "But the ones I might be able to talk to have left Arizona and we don't speak very often anymore."

"You can talk about it with me," I replied.

Tina sighed.

"Some things, Joe. And that's really important to me. That we can talk about the sex, particularly if we're going to be doing more. But there are some things I can't talk with you about."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like ... what I should expect when it's your cock instead of your fingers inside me."

"Oh. You're right. I can't help you with that."

"Or when I'm not sure if I want to suggest something to you," she said. "I mean, I'd like to be able to talk things out, but sometimes you need a sounding board and it's hard for that to be the same person you're doing stuff with."

I nodded.

"I'm envious of you and Sharon," she said.

I stiffened.

"The way you each have someone you can talk to that you're not sleeping with."

"That's true," I said, slowly relaxing. I had nothing to be guilty about, I reminded myself. Sharon and I hadn't really done anything and besides, it was before I'd really gotten together with Tina.

"I really wish I had a friend I could talk to about sex," Tina said.

"I could introduce you to Sharon," I said. "You could talk to her the next time she calls."

"That would be a little weird, Joe. I haven't even met her, and there's no way I could talk about sex with someone over the phone that I've never met."

I nodded in agreement.

"Well, what about making some new friends here at college?" I suggested. "There's got to be some women in your dorm or your classes you could talk to. They might not be friends yet, but they could be."

"Hmmm." Tina was looking down, clearly thinking.

"Maybe someone who's already made comments about sex, showing that they're comfortable about it."

"There is Marcy. She's said some things in the cafeteria..." Tina broke off and looked up at me. Her smile was more relaxed. "She might be someone I can talk to. Thanks, Joe."

"Didn't do much," I said.

"You helped."

"What are friends for?"

"We are becoming friends, aren't we?" Tina said.

"And lovers," I replied.

Tina grinned at that.

"True. But I meant boyfriend/girlfriend."

"I guess we are," I admitted. "Though I'm still worried about what happens when I leave."

"And I told you we'll deal with that when it happens."

"You did," I replied. After a pause I added, "and we'll have a great time until then."

"Good!"

I reached over and put my arm around Tina. She snuggled in and we just sat on the bench until a crowd of fraternity guys came out of the Student Union, laughing and joking and yelling at one another. I became rather self-conscious of how public we were.

"Want to go for a walk?" I suggested.

"Sure."

We wandered east, in what was starting to become a regular route. We dipped around the back of the library this time, cutting between the stadium and the Optical Sciences Center. In the end, we still wound up at the Chi-O steps.

"Seems like we just can't stay away from here," Tina mused.

"Must be some sort of magnetic attraction," I replied. "Maybe we should check the steps. See if there are any transmitters or anything."

"I doubt it," she said, as we walked up the steps and into the corner shadows.

I sat down with my back to the wall and Tina nestled into my side.

"Can we just cuddle and talk?" she asked.

"Sure," I replied, putting my arms around her. "What would you like to talk about?"

"Tell me about your first time," she asked.

I let out a long deep breath.

"Okay," I said. "It wasn't bad, but it wasn't the end-all, be-all. It was with my high school girlfriend. Her parents both worked so we'd go to her house and fool around after school. We'd started doing more and more, usually with both of us naked. We'd progressed to dry humping and one day I was lined up just right and, on impulse, I pushed in."

"Without a condom or anything?"

"Nope. Of course, I realized that almost immediately and pulled out. I was shocked by my own actions and scared of what I might have done if I'd kept going. She wasn't on the pill, so I could have gotten her pregnant. But I didn't. We spent the rest of the afternoon just cuddling while I took the whole experience in."

"What did you do after that?" Tina asked.

"Well, she went down to Planned Parenthood and got on the pill. I bought some condoms and a few weeks later, we did it for real. Or did it deliberately, I guess."

"Planned Parenthood will put you on the pill? Without telling your parents?"

"Yes," I answered. "Though I wasn't with her, so I don't know what was involved."

"Mmmm." Tina snuggled in a little more and I stroked her back lightly.

I thought about asking her about her first time, but I knew that was a stupid question. But replaying our earlier conversations in my mind gave me an idea.

"Well, I'd ask you about your experiences," I said, "but I think you've already told me most of them."

"Yes."

"So, you mentioned you wanted to explore. How about telling me about some of the things you'd like to do? What exactly would you like to explore?"

Tina let out a long breath.

"There are a lot of things," she said. "But can we talk about that another time? Maybe Friday? I just want to be held and not start talking about things that will get us worked up."

"Sounds good," I replied. I didn't know what else to say, so I just continued holding her. The silence stretched amiably for several minutes.

"Were you in love with your high school girlfriend?" Tina asked after a while.

I sighed.

"I thought I was," I began. "We certainly used those words with each other, but not at first. In hindsight, I think it was mostly a mutual crush, coupled with a strong physical attraction. I don't think I had an idea what love was until Alicia."

"She was the one you dated before you came here," Tina stated.

"She was. I was crazy about her. I couldn't imagine life without her. We were together constantly until I left for Tucson. And then ... apparently the feelings weren't as strong on both sides."

"That must have been hard."

"It was," I answered. "But I survived. And Sharon helped. And then I met you."

Tina squeezed me with those last words. I grimaced, but in the dark with her head turned the other way, she couldn't see me. She'd taken my comment to imply more feelings on my part than I'd intended, but I didn't see any way to correct that without making things worse.

"So were you in love with your high school girlfriend before you two slept together?" Tina asked.

I gave a low chuckle.

"I think it was the reverse," I said. "I convinced myself that I was in love with her because we were sleeping together. In hindsight, that was a head trip I went on because of my own expectations."

Tina made a small noise of sympathy.

"I don't think you have to be in love with someone to have sex with them," I continued. "I had a one-night stand with a friend just before I met Alicia and it was pretty good. I don't have any regrets about it."

"It was with a friend?" Tina asked.

"Uh huh. There had always been an attraction between us, but we were dating other people. One night we ran into each other at a party and we both happened to be single. She came back to my dorm room. The next morning we'd decided that we'd had a good time, other than the hangovers, of course. She ended up meeting someone serious before we ever got together again."

"Would you have? Gotten together again?"

"I like to think so," I said. "The sex was good, and the friendship was strong. I think it's important to be able to trust the person you're sleeping with, and that requires at least a friendship."

"Mmmm." Tina snuggled a little tighter. "Are you still friends?"