Part 4: Holding or Folding?

Justine

I joked to Russell once that he made me crazy. I guess I didn't know how true it was until that night in Rome. The worst part was that I was in the hotel suite with my mom and dad, so I couldn't even vent about it. I mean, I love them, but there are some things you can't talk to your parents about and one of them is catching your boyfriend fucking someone else when he was supposed to have been fucking you. Besides, they thought Russell, like, walked on water.

So I had to pretend that nothing happened and look happy. Then I went in the bathroom and turned on the shower and cried for about an hour. What an asshole! Lying there in what should have been our room, in our bed. All naked, cuddled up with that bitch cunt whore Molly. God, I hate her! 'Hey, Justine, ' she says, with that better-than-everybody smile of hers, like I didn't know why she did it!

For a while in the tenth grade, we would try to steal each other's boyfriends. It was like a game at first. At least, it was to me. I got tired of it, but Molly never did. And it was just with me—not Shelly or Chrissy or any of the other girls. She had to compete with me about everything—cheerleading, guys, clothes, and... everything. When I was homecoming queen our junior year, I thought Molly was going to kill herself. God, was she pissed!

I thought all that was over, with Russell. I wanted to get away from Molly and her stupid games. Then we went to Europe and it's like, same old, same old. With her being all friendly, talking to Russell when I wasn't around, and that stunt she pulled on the beach, showing our tits to everyone.

I tried to warn Russell about her. And I thought he was different. I mean, I loved him so much, and he kept saying how sex with me was, like, all he ever wanted. Right! That's one thing you learn about guys. You wave a naked pussy in front of them and they totally think with their dicks.

I mean, I knew Russell thought Molly was hot. I saw him staring at her on the beach, and why not? The girl has a great body, and guys are really into boobs. But shit! I had been with him like an hour before, kissing in the lobby. And he knew how I felt about Molly, especially after the topless beach. I expected more from him and it really, really hurt me.

I cried a lot that night. I was so alone. It was especially bad because I'd gotten used to sleeping with Russell, to falling asleep with him holding me.

Anyway, the next morning I said "Good bye" to mom and dad and I was mad at them, too. It wasn't their fault that Russell turned out to be a shit but, if they hadn't shown up in Rome, it wouldn't have happened because I'd have been in that bed with him.

The group from school was going to the Vatican, but I stayed at the hotel. Mr. Groves, one of the teachers who was chaperoning us, gave me a hard time about it but he backed off when I lied and told him I was having my period. All I had to do was start talking about how heavy the flow was and he couldn't get out of my room fast enough.

That left me with almost the whole day—we weren't leaving for Venice until late afternoon. I sat around feeling sorry for myself, and almost got bored enough to go find my parents, and do something with them. Instead, I went for a walk. Rome is kind of dirty, like New York, but still cool.

Katrina got back to our room at four, to pack up. She'd done some shopping and she showed me what she got, including a really cool leather purse and some belts.

"So, I guess you'll be in our room tonight?" she finally asked.

"Yeah. Sorry."

"It's cool. Brendan's been fun, but I don't want it getting heavy. You know, be a 'thing' when we get home," she said, shrugging.

"Have fun today?" I asked. I was packing, trying to act like I didn't care.

"It was okay. That Sistine Chapel was cool. Totally amazing how that guy painted it, like, upside down."

"I think he was on his back."

"Whatever," she said. She looked at me, thinking. "In case you're wondering, Russell looked bummed. Hardly talked all day. But he asked me about you."

"Really? Wasn't he with Molly?"

"No, that's the thing. She tried to talk to him, but he blew her off. You should have heard Molly though, she was like..." Katrina stopped, realizing her mistake.

"What? What was she saying?"

"You know, how bad she felt about breaking you two up. That it just happened. Right!" Katrina said, rolling her eyes. "She just happened to go to his room, then just happened to like, seduce the guy. Bitch."

I blinked back tears. Russell didn't have to do it, though. He could have told her he loved me and kicked her tight little ass into the hallway.

"And then later, after lunch, Molly was, like, bragging to some of the girls about it. But you don't want to hear..."

"I do. Tell me what she said."

"Just that he was hot. She said..."

"What? Come on!"

"She said he made her come twice by eating her pussy, and she wished there'd been a lot more of that, but that the fucking was awesome too. She said you trained him well, and that he didn't pop until, like, a long time after she did. Sorry."

That was weird. I usually had to pry Russell's face off my pussy when I was ready for him to fuck me. And he had to struggle not to come until after I did. I was with a guy once who was a counselor at this summer camp where I was staying. He was really cute, and I liked him a lot. When he fucked me it was okay, but it went on and on, and finally he told me he couldn't get off because I wasn't his type, and because he'd get fired if we got caught.

"No, it's fine. I don't care anyway," I said, thinking.

"Really? That's cool," Katrina said, then sat on the edge of her bed facing me. "It was really shitty—Molly doing Russell without asking you if it was okay. You know?"

"Yeah. Shitty."

"I mean, especially without asking." She was sitting there, waiting. Katrina had cute, honey blonde hair that she wore short, just off her shoulders. When she was nervous she twirled a finger in it.

"What?"

"Well, I was thinking. If you're done with him, and I'm done with Brendan, maybe we could trade."

"Katrina! I don't want to fuck Brendan. You want to fuck Russell?"

She nodded. "A lot. But only if you're cool with it."

I thought about it, and then I knew I still loved him. He was an asshole for fucking Molly, and I was super pissed at him, but he was still my asshole.

"Sorry. I'm not cool with it," I said.

Katrina looked crestfallen, like a kid who just dropped her lollipop down the sewer.

"Oh. That's okay, I get it. You need more time."

She smiled, but I could tell she was pouting, and wishing she hadn't asked me. Anyway, we finished packing and shared a cab to the train station with Brendan and Chrissy.

When we got on the train, I had to sit in the same car as Russell and Molly. Russell sat in the front in a row by himself. He looked pretty sad, with this stricken look on his face, and tired like he hadn't been sleeping. Every so often, he peeked back at me and then looked away. It was cute, but he was still an asshole.

I sat in a row with Katrina and Brendan. Katrina was right—Brendan was nice, and he had big shoulders and a nice little butt, I guess because he was a swimmer. Even though he was with Katrina, he paid a lot of attention to me and, when she went to the bathroom, he moved over next to me. The train ride went fast. Brendan was funny and I laughed a lot, because Russell looked like a lost puppy every time he heard it.

Molly was in her element—the center of attention. She had three or four guys around her all the time, all probably hoping they'd be next for a late night visit. We made eye contact a couple of times, and she gave me that fake smile of hers. What a bitch, like, "What can I do, I'm so hot!"

When we got to Venice, it was dinnertime and everyone was hungry, but we had to wait for a bus. There was a little market by the train station and most of the kids scattered to buy snacks and souvenirs. I cornered Katrina.

"What's up with Brendan?" I asked. Katrina started twirling her finger in her hair.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, did you say something to him about maybe shacking up with me?"

Brendan had talked to me the whole train ride, and kept checking me out like I was on the menu.

"Not really. Just to see if he'd be up for it, like hypothetically," Katrina said, her finger twirling like crazy.

"Katrina! That's so unfair!"

"I know. I'm sorry. I thought it would be good for everyone," she said. I believed her. That's the kind of girl Katrina was—sweet, but not too smart. I told her it was okay, and then Mr. Groves called us to board the bus.

As I was boarding, Russell crowded in right behind me. When I sat down, he sat next to me and nudged my butt toward the window.

"What do you want?" I asked, keeping my voice low. "I don't want to talk to you."

"Please, Justine," he pleaded. I sighed and rolled my eyes, noticing that the other kids stayed towards the front of the bus, avoiding us.

"It isn't going to work, Russell. I can't trust you anymore."

"I'm so sorry. I've never been so sorry about anything. I was wrong, and stupid, and I hurt you. I know it," he said, staring at his hands in his lap.

"No, Russell. You were just being a guy, doing what guys do," I said. "That's the problem, I thought you'd be different. I'm the stupid one."

I saw a tear splash onto Russell's leg, staining his jeans. I noticed that they were the Hollister jeans we bought together. God, I missed him.

"I am different, Justine," he said. I raised an eyebrow and glanced toward Molly.

"Yeah, right!" I said.

"I can't explain it. I've been thinking about it a lot," he said, speaking so softly I could barely hear him. "But part of it was that she surprised me. And I was pretty drunk, from dinner. And the other thing is..." He paused, and looked at me.

"I'm listening."

"This is going to sound bad, but you've been with other guys. You're my first. And I guess I was wondering what it would be like."

"What, to fuck a different girl?"

He nodded, studying his hands again. "Yeah, I guess."

"Well, at least you're honest," I said. "How was it?"

Another tear hit his leg. "Not that great. I mean, Molly's beautiful, but it's not as good if you don't care..." he stopped and looked up, eyes glistening. "Please, Justine. I love you so much."

I blinked a couple of times, and looked out the window. Then I faced him again.

"I'm sorry, Russell. But this sort of thing will happen again. There'll be other different girls," I said, my voice sounding cold and hard. "Next time I might not catch you, but I'd always wonder."

The bus stopped. We were at the hotel. I stood up.

"We had a good thing, Russell. But it's over. It's time for both of us to move on."

We had dinner at a restaurant not far from our hotel, so we walked. I stayed close to Katrina and Brendan, and away from Russell. I felt bad about what I said to him, which made me kind of mad. I mean, he was the one who screwed up.

But it was true about him being drunk. Daddy hardly gave me any wine, but he refilled Russell's glass a lot. And having Molly show up like that could catch a guy off guard, especially a guy like Russell who was pretty inexperienced. What a bitch—she probably showed him her tits before he even said "Yes." Kind of like I did at his house on Halloween night, when I wanted to seduce him.

And he said fucking Molly wasn't that great. I mean, I liked that, but it also explained Russell having trouble coming, and the way he stopped eating her pussy before she asked him to. God, I wanted to believe that he learned his lesson! But if I were going to forgive him, I would have to know.

I thought about it a lot during dinner. We were having something called osso bucco, and it was gross. It was veal and it had lots of garlic and, I think, anchovies on it. I wasn't very hungry anyway, and Brendan finished what I didn't eat. Katrina was in a great mood, really giddy, and it wasn't just the wine. She was a happy person and nothing ever seemed to bother her very much.

It was so totally like her to suggest we trade guys. I mean, to her it made sense, and why get all emotional about it? Russell would probably love it, too. I mean, Katrina was really cute. Cuter than Molly, and she had long legs and nice tits. A guy would have to be crazy to turn her down.

That was when I came up with the plan. I hadn't thought it all through yet, but for the rest of the dinner I was really friendly with Brendan and made sure that Russell noticed it.

When Katrina and I got back to our room, I explained it to her.

"You want me to fuck your old boyfriend with you watching?"

"Maybe. If that's what happens."

"What else could happen?" she asked, looking confused.

"Probably nothing," I said. "Unless he was telling me the truth about how he feels."

Katrina grinned. "Oh, I get it. It's, like, a test."

I nodded, still not sure that I could go through with it. "But we would have to do it right, all the way. Otherwise I wouldn't know for sure."

Katrina looked confused again. I put a hand on her shoulder.

"You have to give it everything you've got, Katrina," I said. "Do you think Brendan will help?"

"Yeah, sure, he owes me big time," she said, then checked the bedside clock. "So, do you want to do it tonight?"

"No, I still have to get Brendan set up on his part. We're here tomorrow night, that's soon enough."

Katrina brought Brendan to my room the next morning before we left to see all the canals and monuments. He was excited about being alone in a hotel room with me, and had his hands in his pockets to cover a boner. We sat on the edge of the bed and he started rubbing my shoulder.

"It isn't going to happen, Brendan," I said, feeling crappy about what I was going to do.

"Huh?"

"I'm not going to fuck you. At least not on this trip."

He looked surprised, and a little hurt. "Then I don't get it. Why did you want me to come up here?"

"You're a really nice guy, Brendan. But I'm not over Russell yet," I said. "And I need your help with something." Then I explained it to him.

"What do I get out of this?" he asked. I took a deep breath.

"If you do your part, and Russell goes for Katrina like I think he will, then—when we get home—I'll go out with you."

"You mean, like dating? You'd go to the Winter Formal with me?"

"Yeah. I'd do that," I said quietly.

"Wow. You got a deal," Brendan said. We stood, and I kissed him on the cheek. It felt weird, but I needed to get used to it.

"Thanks, Brendan," I said.

I don't remember much about Venice. We rode around in those gondola boats, except they were bigger than in the movies and they had a motor so the guy wasn't really rowing. The water was dirty and it smelled. We went to a place where they made glass by blowing through a big straw, which was pretty cool. Everybody bought Christmas ornaments for their parents.

I sat with Brendan all day and played my part. I laughed at everything he said, and leaned against him and let him put his arm around me. It felt strange, and I didn't like his cologne. I even let him kiss me a couple of times. Just on the lips though—no tongue. Russell was watching, and I felt bad about it.

He was sitting with Katrina, but he wasn't paying attention to her. She was cool though, and she acted like she didn't mind.

After the glass-blowing place, the boat took us back to our hotel. We were going to a casual place for dinner, where they were supposed to have good spaghetti. No osso bucco. I went over everything with Katrina again in our room, to be sure she understood. She spent a lot of time in the shower, and she shaved her pussy and was really careful with her makeup. She didn't wear a bra, and she put on these tiny sky-blue lacy panties.

Even though I told her to give it everything she had, I still got a little upset about it. I could tell that she was sure she was going to get laid. It wasn't her fault, but it still bothered me.

At the restaurant, Brendan and I stayed close to Katrina and Russell.

"Hey, why don't we sit together? It'll be fun," I said.

Russell's face lit up, and he tried to take the seat next to me, but Brendan beat him to it. Russell ended up sitting across from me. Dinner was fun—just the four of us goofing around and making a mess eating our spaghetti like little kids. It wasn't like 'couples' and, after a while, even Russell relaxed.

By the time our spumoni came, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. I took Brendan's hand and held it. On the table, so Russell could see it.

"Wow, you two make a cute couple," I began, looking at Russell and Katrina. She took the hint and scooted closer to him. "And Brendan and I are hitting it off, so we were wondering if you would mind if we changed the room assignments a little?"

"You mean, like... boy, girl, boy, girl?" Katrina asked, and then giggled.

"Yeah. That way we'd all get a little privacy. And have some fun," I said, forcing a smile and trying not to look at Russell. He looked like someone punched him in the stomach. Katrina put an arm around him, and started rubbing her tit on his side. She has these really perky boobs and, without a bra they looked like they trying to poke a hole in her shirt.

"I'm up for it!" Brendan said, and he was. Even though he knew what was going on, his slacks were all tented out. We looked at Russell. He swallowed hard.

"Is that what you really want?" he asked, looking at me. I nodded.

"Yeah, that's what I want," I said, then I put a hand on Brendan's cheek and kissed him. He put his arm around me and started rubbing the side of my tit with his thumb. I kicked him under the table.

Russell was watching. His eyes were cutting, harsh. "Then it sounds great to me, too," he said, and he was holding Katrina's hand.

"Well, then. That's settled," I said, standing. I forced another smile. "Hey, Katrina. Let's go powder our noses."

I started to cry before I got to the bathroom and, when we got inside, I broke down completely. Katrina tried to comfort me, and I wanted to hug her and hit her at the same time.

"I can't believe he's going to do it," I said, sobbing. "He didn't even argue with me."

"Come on, Justine. You practically ordered him to fuck me," Katrina said.

"Yeah, but he could have gotten angry about it."

Katrina waited until I calmed down a little. "We can call it off if you want. Tell Russell we changed our minds."

"No. I've got to finish it. We'll do it like we planned," I said, going to the mirror to fix my makeup.

I'd been stupid to start believing him again, and now I would prove that Russell was just like every guy I ever knew. Love was a joke. Katrina had the right idea—you enjoyed who you were with and, if it clicked for a while, great. If not, you moved on.