Chapter 19

When Ashley finally managed to get Justin to sleep, her mind was still actively in gear from the events of the day. Bill was coming. Natalie was returning. Tons of things to do at the office to keep people from falling through the cracks. After an hour, she heard Justin begin to fuss, although he was apparently not awake. He stopped after a while and she was finally able to sleep. He awakened her several more times and she had to change him once, but finally toward morning, they were both able to sleep.

The alarm clock startled her from a rather pleasant dream about her being out in a field on a warm day feeling the wind in her hair and watching some hawks sail into the wind. The alarm also woke Justin and she lay still for a while to see if he might sleep again. Soon, he seemed to be quiet and she began her morning activities to make her body serviceable for work. She dressed and began combing her hair.

As she brushed the back of her head, she saw her eyes in the mirror not looking as bright as they should. She stopped mid-stroke and asked herself, "Are you really sure you want to do this? To get up feeling like this every day without even a hangover?" She continued brushing, "The decision is not reversible. Look where Natalie is just starting her career."

She added a little extra color in her makeup base and tried to perk up her eyes. "I can live with the vanity and the dull appearance, but I don't feel like hustling off to work." As she applied her eyeliner, she heard Justin talking to himself and peeked around the corner. He seemed contented, so she took the time to continue on her face until she decided it was good enough to show to the public. Her concluding thought was, "Maybe Natalie saved you from having to get father a young heir to carry on. I have to decide whether I want a baby or if I felt obliged to him just like she did. He knew how to manage people to do what he wanted."

"Good morning, little brother! How are you?" He looked at her and giggled as she picked him up to change and dress him. "You're a little darling sometimes!"

He was quiet for a minute and then said, "Sash?"

"That's right! I'm Ash." She laughed at his use of her name. He continued to be happy and talk as she completed getting him dressed. "How about something to eat? I'll bet you're hungry." She put him in his chair and gave him some nibbles while she finished opening his food. "With all those teeth that you're growing at night, you'll be ready for real food before long."

She was able to eat her bagel and yogurt between bites while feeding him. The coffee was a lifesaver and she felt herself getting stronger as she inhaled the magic liquid between bites of her food. Breakfast was easier today and he kept up his good mood and happy sounds as she finished up and gathered him to go to daycare.

When she handed him over to the woman at the daycare center, the woman asked, "When did you say Natalie was returning?"

"She's coming tonight at nine or so. Her interview went very well. I can only hope for her."

"We can hope for the best, although I hate to lose him."

"I cheer for her, too. I haven't known him long, but I'm already in love with him."

The woman looked confused, "He's your brother and you haven't known him long?"

"It's a long story and I think Natalie should tell you."

"I'll have to ask. Sounds mysterious."

"I guess all families have little secrets. If my father had lived, Natalie would have been my stepmother."

The woman paused, shaking her head, "Oh. Oh, I see. She's his widow?"

"Natalie can explain it better. I'm sure she'll tell you. She'll bring him in the morning."

Having left Justin in good hands, she felt a slight wave of relief and could now focus on the day coming up. It would be busy and she would be grateful for that to keep her mind off the other major distractions in her life.

The receptionist greeted her as she walked in the door, "Good morning, Ms. Wilson, how's Justin?"

"He fussed in the night but he seemed fine when I left him at the daycare. I was going to try to keep him here, but I have too many distractions to tend him properly."

"I'm sure we could work it out in time, but you're probably better off having someone else take care of him." She then smiled, "Oh, by the way, Grace wants five minutes when you can spare it."

Ashley frowned, "Oh, Goody! Might as well get it over with. Tell her I'm here." Grace had been one of her most vocal opponents when she was offered the job.

Grace came into her office and gave Ashley an unexpected smile. She said, "I come in peace. You well know that I opposed your getting this job. I have come to say that I was wrong. You inspired the staff, made things run much more smoothly, and did wonders for some of the women. I'm not the only person who feels this way. I apologize for what I said earlier."

"Grace, this is the best surprise I have had since taking the job. I accept your apology and appreciate your hard work. We're all better off if we can get along."

"You have caused a world of improvements in a short time. I'm sure you will continue to do so. I'd really hate to break in a new director."

Ashley said, "I think I'll be around for a while."

"Good. Now, I have to get back."

"Thank you for telling me, Grace. It makes my day."

Ashley returned to the pile of paperwork on her desk and looked at the number of call slips. By the time she finished her calls and clearing the paperwork, she had time for an inspection tour of the facility. She spent time with each of her loving dogs as she passed through the lounge area. The little girl who first walked Wu came over to her.

"Ms. Wilson, may I take Wu for a walk outside?"

"Yes, but stay behind the building and inside the fence. Don't want anything to happen to either of you. Come see me when you come back in."

Benny followed her back to her office and she motioned for him to get in her lap.

"I've been neglecting you. You stay right there and let me catch up with some well-deserved petting. Your master is coming to see us and I wish he'd hurry."

She stroked Benny's ears and mumbled little loving words to him as he enjoyed the personal attention from one of his favorite people. Maybe his favorite.

As she stroked, she reflected on her situation. Soon, she would have to eat her lunch and move Benny, but right now, she felt relaxed and happy. Her hand was fiddling with her mouse and she happened to click on the security cameras. She moved from one to the other until she saw Wu and the girl in the backyard and zoomed in on them. They were having a nice romp.

She saw the man leaning on the fence talking to the girl. She brought the camera in closer and saw the girl talk to the man through the fence. They were laughing. Ashley zoomed in to the maximum and saw the man gesturing toward the front of the building. Wu was barking and dancing around until the girl removed her hand. Ashley's hand went immediately to the 911 button and pressed it. She reported the incident to the dispatcher and within minutes she saw a police cruiser come into view. As the police began questioning the man, the little girl came into her office with Wu.

"I'm back, Ms. Wilson."

"Wu really likes you. Who were you talking to at the fence?"

"Oh, that's mom's boyfriend. He comes down to talk to us when no one else is out there."

"Did he give you anything through the fence?"

"Just this letter for mom." The girl held up an envelope.

Ashley was taken with the innocence of the young girl.

"OK, take Wu back to the lounge."

Ashley called Grace, "Have a look at the girl who's walking Wu. She may have some drugs in that envelope she's taking to her mom."

Grace went into one of her typical crazy movements and shortly had removed the envelope from the girl's hand and went directly into the staff lounge. She quickly opened it and found a plastic baggie filled with a white powdery substance. She called Ashley. "Looks like something we don't want here. Better call the police."

The police were on hand quickly and they took charge of the contraband. They also questioned the young girl about where she got it. When they finished, they came to see Ashley. "What did you see on the monitor?"

"This man outside the fence handed her a package. We record a couple of hours before erasing the file. Want to see it?"

The police watched the video for a few minutes and the senior one said, "We can't use it as evidence, not that we needed it after that package. I wonder what that guy was doing with the girl before?"

Ashley shuddered, "I don't know, but she seemed to like him."

"We can't use that either, but we can ask about it. Ain't it great what these video cameras do?"

Ashley ate her lunch and continued with Benny on her lap. She felt contented and could actually relax. As she put her head back, she began running through some of her master's training. One of the tools they taught her how to use was called a Decision Balance Table. The point was to list all the positive and negative reasons for making a change in life.

She clicked open the word processor, opened a two-columned table and labeled the columns, "Positive" and "Negative." At the top, she put in bold letters, "Do I want my own baby?"

On the positive side, she reflected, "I'm a woman. Women want babies."

On the negative side, she wrote, "I can't be a professional at the Refuge House and stay at home with my child. I can't be a soccer mom."

She kept at the listing of positives and negatives for the better part of an hour. She winced when she thought of having a baby with Bill. He'd never be able to play Frisbee with the kids. Kids? More than one?

Then, she thought, "I'm not limited to Bill. If I want a family, I can find someone who will love me."

She felt very uncomfortable about how she would tell Bill that she had to leave him to find someone for a family. Benny hopped down from her lap and went to the door. She found his leash and took him to the place where he could finish his private business. She thought, "He doesn't run around the yard like he did at home."

When they came back inside, she let him go and he went back to duty. "How does he know?"

"Back to the list."

"If I want to be a soccer mom, then I have to find someone who will care for me and play the other part." She remembered Bill's remark that he had to participate fully in a family.

She felt frustrated. Very confused. Then, she remembered that she had not informed her distant brother about the situation. She immediately composed an email to him, outlining all the details about Natalie and Justin and their most recent encounters. At the end, she said, "I don't expect you to do anything. I felt it necessary to inform you."

Back to her decision table. After several more entries, she discovered that her major decision was whether she wanted to stay at home with babies or work at the Refuge House. She had rejected the options of leaving the child at daycare or hiring a nanny. If she had children, she would raise them. Then, she remembered, "Rear them, Ashley."

At the end of the afternoon, she reached the conclusion that she had to get out of the relationship with Bill. She could not ask him to be her partner and she couldn't make a clear decision until he was out of the picture. She felt tears on her cheek when she realized how hard it would be to tell him. In her mind, she visioned an old man trying to catch a Frisbee.

She had answered calls, returned emails, signed documents, and still had time to wrestle with her plight. Her phone rang and the receptionist said, "Ashley, it's late. Don't you have to get Justin?"

Ashley quickly grabbed her purse and computer and headed out the door. She waved at the receptionist and dashed to the daycare center. Justin was the last tyke to be gathered. The woman asked, "When will Natalie return?"

"Tonight. She'll be in charge tomorrow."

Ashley grabbed Justin and he giggled at her. "Ash?"

She was proud. "Yes, brother Justin, Ash."

He laughed at her antics in making faces as she put him in the car seat.

As she drove home, she thought, "If I could have one like you, I might be tempted!"

By the time she had bathed him and had him in his feeding chair, he was fussing again. She gave him some ice and said, "Try this on your gums, brother. See if it helps."

She went about preparing her dinner. She thought, "I'd like a nice quiet dinner tonight. I hope Bill will take me tomorrow." Then, she thought, "When will I tell him? I want to have a good time, but I have to release him before he goes."

She cried. "He'll take Benny, too."

She cleaned up the kitchen and dressed Justin in proper nightclothes to greet his mother when she returned. She thought, "Maybe I could be an OK nanny."

Justin was asleep and Ashley was working hard on her computer when she heard Natalie drive in. She opened the garage door and ran downstairs to greet her.

When Ashley opened the door, Natalie was wheeling her suitcase into the house. Ashley hugged her tightly. Natalie said, "Well, now, it has been an age since anyone greeted me like that."

Ashley said, "Welcome home, mom!"

Natalie reached up for her and kissed her full on the lips. "I'm glad to be here. How's my kid?"

"Tonight, he's an angel. Let's go up and see him."

Both women admired the child as he slept and Ashley said, "Want something to eat?"

"Oh, God, yes. I had only peanuts on the plane."

"Did you get the job?"

"Who knows? Did Bill?

"Yes, they offered it to him."

Natalie hugged her and said, "Congratulations, girl! Looks like your life will improve!"

Much later, they were in bed together. Justin was sleeping peacefully. Ashley said, "Nat, I'm having a hard time about kids."

"Justin got to you, the little devil?"

"I can't have a career and be the kind of mom I would have to be. I don't want to do daycare."

Natalie turned her over to face her and put both her arms around her, "Ashley, you can't. Unless the kids are the most important things in your life and you want to stay home with them, don't. Trust me."

Ashley replied, "Bill is coming tomorrow. If I want a family, I have to leave him and let him go back to Erika."

"Only you can know that. I think you are great to tell him. He's smitten with you, I suspect."

"Here's what I think. I'll release Bill and then decide if there's anyone I want to have kids with. I can't be available to anyone until I'm free of Bill."