Chapter 4

"I've been thinking on and off about last night, Clare." In truth I had been thinking of nothing else. "Will you be honest with me?"

"I'm not going to give you a blow by blow account if that's what you mean."

"A blow by blow account?" I smiled at her choice of words. "That would be very nice, but that's not what I really want to talk about." She had a quizzical look on her face. "I actually want to talk about us. Now, how long have we been trying for a family; eighteen months?"

She nodded.

I continued. "It doesn't look as if it is going to happen, does it? So what other options do we have? The first one is adoption. We've talked about that already, and we both know it is not going to be easy. There are so many rules and regulations and we have to satisfy so many authorities. It will take a very long while, and at any stage someone can decide we are not fit to be adoptive parents. They don't even have to tell us why they have come to that decision.

The second option is artificial insemination. There is a fair bit of red tape with this too Clare. And do we really want to have a child without knowing anything about the father?"

"So Tom, are you trying to tell me you've changed your mind?"

"No Clare, far from it. But maybe there is another way and that's what I want to discuss." I picked up my teacup and took a sip. "What about Ray?"

"You mean have him donate his sperm?"

"Well, I suppose you could be artificially inseminated, if that's what you wanted, but I imagine it wouldn't be as much fun as a good old-fashioned fuck. And there'd be much less paperwork, too!" My attempt at humour was wasted.

"Have you spoken to him about this?" She frowned at me.

"Of course not! I wouldn't dream of doing so without speaking to you first. Look, have a think about it Clare, and if you are in favour, I'll talk to him."

We resumed our conversation later that night when we were already in bed.

"I've thought about what you said this afternoon, Tom."

My heart rate suddenly increased. "Go on."

"Well, if we do choose to go down this route, it has to be with you as well as him. That way, if I do fall pregnant, we can still believe it's our child."

"That's what I would want anyway."

"There is something else." She paused.

"I'm listening."

"I don't want you thinking badly of me, but I have to admit that I do find Ray sexually attractive."

"Why should I do that, Clare? We both know he's a nice guy, he's good-looking and in the sexual sense he's new to you. I would be surprised if he didn't turn you on."

"So I don't have to pretend that I'm not getting any pleasure out of it; that I'm just tolerating it in order to get in the family way?"

Just hearing her saying this was enough for me to start getting an erection.

"No you don't."

"And you won't get upset if I enjoy it? Because if that is likely to be the case, I suggest we forget the whole thing here and now. Much as I want a baby, I'm not going to have it jeopardising our marriage."

I placed her hand on my throbbing dick.

"Do you think I'm likely to get upset Clare?"

She smiled. "No, maybe not at the moment, but what about afterwards?"

I tried to sound serious. "I won't get upset, Clare."

"OK, Tom, I believe you." She gently squeezed me. "And now I think it's time we put this to good use, don't you?"

Ray and I always went to the pub on a Wednesday. It was our first meeting since he'd been with Clare. He was clearly on edge when he joined me at the table in the corner. I was much the same. What do you say to each other in such a situation? We tried for normality, discussing Arsenal's prospects of success in the Champions' League, but it was evident that whilst we might have been talking football, we were thinking Clare.