Chapter 4

Ms. McCrae had been about to stand up, but she flopped back into her chair with a shocked look on her face. For a moment she just looked at Paula and me.

"Paula, don't tell me you and CJ have done something stupid?" She said slowly and distinctly.

"Well, we had sex." Paula's voice was a whisper.

"Well, of course you had sex! Any fool could see that in the way you walk right now. You've probably had sex several times today alone. What I was wondering is if you've been taking your birth control pills?"

"No Mom, I was afraid that if I did, maybe I'd never have even a daughter because I might do it at the wrong time. I mean there was the curse and I... Omigosh, I feel so silly."

"Oh, Paula!" She shook her head. "And, CJ, just where the hell was your head at? Didn't you even ask about protection?"

I shook my head slowly and suddenly I saw Paula bristle and sit up straight.

"Mom, he didn't think about it right away and neither did I, Then when we did think about it, I told him not to worry. It's certainly not his fault."

"I should have insisted, I guess." I came to her aid. "The first time took me totally by surprise, but after that we both thought about it and Paula was so insistent that..."

Ms. McCrae waved her hand in dismissal. "So how long has this been going on, two days? A week? What?"

"Oh no Mom, just today. We started this morning. I darn near raped him."

"What?" Her face was a study in surprise. "You started it?"

"Well, not really. We've been in the same class all year, so I sort of knew CJ to see and to say hello to, stuff like that. I knew he was a nice guy." Paula blushed. " Today was just circumstance, what with him falling and all. Then I felt so bad about making him feel uncomfortable and... Well, things just happened."

"So, how many times have you... No, don't answer that." Ms. McCrae sighed.

Then she simply looked at the two of us for several long seconds and slowly shook her head.

Finally she spoke slowly. "CJ, please don't take this as a condemnation of you in any way, but I think I should take Paula with me tonight to see Sydney, and I'm afraid that you might feel somewhat uncomfortable if you were with us."

"Mom!" Paula protested. "What can Sydney do?"

"You know as well as I do that she's a gynaecologist. If anyone would know how to talk to you, she should. On top of that she'd know if there is anything we should do."

"Mom, if I'm pregnant, it's my body and like you said before, I'm old enough to make my own decisions." Paula said firmly. "I don't want to go somewhere and have an examination of some sort, not tonight."

"Paula, you aren't being reasonable." Ms. McCrae frowned. "What do you know about pregnancy and motherhood?"

"Mom, what did you know about raising kids when you got pregnant?" Paula snapped. "From what you've told me, you made even worse decisions than this would be."

"So you're refusing my offer of assistance?"

"No, Mother, what I'm refusing is your demand that I live my life to suit you. Look, just because you can buy a 'morning after' pill freely here in BC, doesn't mean I want to use it. That's probably what Sydney will recommend." Paula said loudly. "I just don't want to screw around with my body and throw a bunch of hormones at it to regulate something that's working fine right now."

"Oh, Paula!" Mrs. McCrae sighed deeply. "I just want what's best for you."

"I know that, Mom. I also know that this is one decision that you can't make for me. This decision is for me to make. Well actually, for CJ and me. We have discussed it some."

"But you were stubborn." I said quietly.

"Oh, he has a voice after all." Mrs. McCrae snapped. "So CJ, what is your opinion on this?"

"Yes, Ma'am. I do have a voice and an opinion." I spoke slowly. "I can see you want to try to help your daughter and yet I can see that she wants her independence in this decision. Personally I think I need more information before I could offer an opinion. I wasn't even sure that you could buy a pill that would do what you're suggesting, although I had heard rumours about it."

"Jeez, is your head buried in the sand?" She demanded to know. "Damn men these days, running around screwing girls and to hell with the consequences."

"MOTHER!" Paula protested.

"Paula, this one is mine." I growled, growing annoyed.

I stood up and stood behind my chair, grasping the back with both hands, then looked directly into Mrs. McCrae's eyes.

"When I awoke this morning, I was a very shy virgin who had never had to even think about contraception. At that time, I felt the odds were about a million to one that there was any chance of me ever having sex. Now I have a girlfriend that I feel wonderful about, but whom I may have gotten pregnant through my lack of knowledge and sheer carelessness." I sighed slightly and shifted to stand more upright. "We don't know each other well, so whether we stay together as a couple or not, I can't say. Right at this moment, you are not helping me feel that the possibility of our being able to do that is very high. No matter what happens, if Paula is carrying my child, then I want to help raise and support it."

Both of them were staring at me as if I had suddenly grown horns and turned blue.

"Now, Mrs. McCrae, if you wish to help us in our decision, since you know a gynaecologist, then perhaps you could arrange to have her pass on the information that she has about this pill. That way Paula and I can make an intelligent decision. Other than that, since you've made your opinion clear, I think you are only aggravating the situation." I pushed away from the chair and started to move toward the door. "I need to think, so I'm going to go for a walk, without any company please. When I come back, if you still wish to speak to me, you can let me back into the house. Otherwise I will assume that the two of you have made a decision to eliminate me from your determination of further happenings in this regard."

Once I got outside, I found myself shaking with anger and anxiety.

I knew I had left them an ultimatum; either I was consulted in the decision that was made, or else I wasn't involved in any decisions at all. I also knew that I had changed. I didn't know where the feelings that had coursed through me had come from. I didn't know how I had found the strength to say the things I had. I didn't even know where the words had come from.

However I knew that I had to think about what I felt about the whole situation and for me, deep thought was a solitary thing. I had to be alone.

On our way to her home, Paula and I had passed a small park only a few blocks from her house. I walked there, found a seat on a park bench, then tried my best to relax and let my thoughts flow.

I like Paula very much. I liked the way she looked. I liked the way she acted most of the time, but I did have reservations about her thought processes. I felt she was easily led and that bothered me. Her belief in leprechauns was a bit much and I had to shake my head about that. In a way though, even that was a delightful thing, that willingness to believe showed an almost childish belief that I found very refreshing.

Her beliefs reminded me of the spirit world that the Northern Natives spoke of and made me think about my own beliefs. Being raised out in the bush had forced me to look closely at the relationships of all the things to the people around me. It's very easy, when you are completely alone for days on end to begin to believe in things that are untrue or unproven and I'd had to fight to keep myself well grounded in reality several times.

The wilderness had taught me to be cautious and to double check things for certainty. That alone had made me self reliant, yet at the same time it had led me to refrain from trying to force my will onto others and to respect their beliefs, even if I didn't share them. In a way that had made me even more independent, for if you gave respect to others, you quickly learned to expect it to be returned. Where Paula had been led to believe in the little people, I'd learned to believe in what I could prove.

Suddenly I realised what I was doing now and it had little to do with beliefs. I was double checking my own feelings to be certain of the degree of my own desires; desires that had developed in my short relationship with a fascinating woman. In seconds, I knew that there was no way I could abandon the possibility of a relationship with her. My feelings there were certain. That in turn meant I was going to have to consider her deep desire to have children.

Now children were a stumper for me. I hadn't been around kids since I was young myself and felt that I was unqualified to help in almost any way. Then I smiled and thought of what Paula had said to her mother about pregnancy and motherhood. Since Paula felt her mother had been a tyro and yet Paula had turned out like she did, I felt I could learn along with Paula.

As if they had been summoned by my thoughts, two young children came skipping and dancing down the street to run into the little playground at the far end of the park. A young woman followed them down the street and took a seat near them. Her eyes travelled over the surroundings as if she was watching for danger, yet she held back from interfering with their explorations. Meanwhile the two children bounced and ran, slid and swung as they enjoyed the little playground. Their enthusiasm was wonderful to see.

I watched and smiled to myself. I nodded to myself, both in admiration for the way the young woman was handling the care of her children and in the way I thought I should plan on handling any child I was involved with. Yeah, I decided, I could handle being around kids.

Suddenly it dawned on me that I'd been sitting there, simply relaxing, while Paula and her mother were probably waiting for me to come back and be involved in important decisions. Instead of watching others, I needed to make my mind up about what I wanted to do. I was berating myself for allowing my mind to wander when I realised that I'd made the only important decisions that I had to make. Other than the fact that I wanted to be with Paula and the conclusion that I felt I could grow into being a decent parent, I really had no other worries that needed to be solved at this time.

Getting to my feet in order to return to the house, I waved to the two kids and smiled at their guardian as I passed them.

Not long after I had begun walking back toward the McCrae house, I was passed by a very sporty looking silver-grey convertible. I watched as the driver suddenly braked and pulled into the curb, then turned to stare at me. I stared right back at her, but I had a good reason. She was very black and very beautiful. When she smiled, I couldn't help smiling in return and as I approached the car, she leaned over and opened the door on the passenger's side of the car.

"Hello. I believe you must be CJ." Her soft throaty voice caressed my ears. "My name is Sydney, can we talk for a moment?"

"Sydney? But, you're a woman?" I gasped, then I felt myself blush.

"I certainly hope so." Her chuckle was a rumble that set off feelings that made me want to smile and laugh as well.

As I stood there, completely astonished, her expression changed as she realised Paula's mother must have told me that Sydney was her lover. Then since Ms McCrae hadn't specifically said she was a woman, I'd jumped to the conclusion that Sydney was a man's name. She glanced around for an instant, then grinned and leaned my direction.