Chapter 13

As I stood there holding Lisa-Marie in my arms, I couldn't help but think back to that day, almost three years ago.

It was in the early spring of my last year in high school and it was a Saturday, April 15th to be exact, a date I will always remember.

I'd been helping Joe fix the brakes on his truck and by about one in the afternoon we'd found the problem. After pulling the keys out of the truck and locking it up, he and I left the farm to go to town in my car in order to get parts for his truck. Lisa-Marie decided to ride along with us, but Pam, who was five months pregnant, was having a nap so we decided not to disturb her. Joe went inside to leave her a note about the truck as well as let her know where we had gone, but as he went into the kitchen, the phone rang. He got into a discussion with a neighbour about some detail that had been raised at a recent meeting of one of the local farm groups and completely forgot why he had gone inside in the first place.

We were halfway to town when he realised that he'd finished the phone call and had come straight out afterward to get into the car, forgetting the note. Since he had the keys to the truck in his hand and since Pam had known that we were going to work on the truck, we decided not to go back to the farm over such a small detail. Besides, we thought we'd be back before Pam woke from her nap.

I don't know how many times since then that I've wished that we'd made any other decision.

When Pam woke, she decided that she wanted something from town. She assumed that we'd finished fixing the truck, then had gone to Dad's place for some reason. Since the keys weren't in the truck, she simply stepped inside the house and got another set, then hopped into the truck and set out for town. After turning out of the driveway, the road is dead straight for the sixteen miles into town. She never had to hit the brakes once, at least not until the last half mile.

About a quarter mile from town, the side road we lived on crosses a busy highway and the last few hundred yards of the side road are down a relatively steep grade. The moment Pam hit the brake pedal and it sank to the floor, she realised she was in trouble. After a quick glance at the traffic on the road, she made the decision that she would be able to cross the highway during an upcoming break in the traffic. Rather than try to stop the truck by running it into one of the ditches beside the road, she panicked and gambled on her judgement that she could miss the traffic.

Pam has never been able to remember the accident and probably doesn't want to. We found out later what the police and the insurance companies believe happened.

Pam might have made it across the highway, except that at almost the same instant as she made her decision to gamble on crossing, a salesman pulled out to pass a slower moving semitrailer truck. The police thought he might have accelerated heavily because he was going to be late for an appointment. He must have seen Pam coming though, because his car had all four brakes locked, with the wheels skidding as his car struck the truck on the rear quarter panel. The resulting accident spun the two vehicles around, yet they remained on the highway and directly in the path of the oncoming semitrailer. Both drivers might have walked away from that accident, but the semitrailer was heavily laden and the driver had been behind the wheel of the big rig for almost six hours. His reaction time was slow.

Pam's pickup truck had now spun almost ninety degrees and was hit head-on by the tractor portion of the semitrailer. It was driven almost a hundred yards down the highway by the inertia of the huge load the eighteen wheeler was carrying. Somehow the pickup remained upright, but it was crushed beyond belief.

Because she was five months pregnant, Pam hadn't been wearing her seat belt and had been thrown sideways by the first impact, so as the steering wheel was driven back into the cab of the truck, it had passed above her lower body. Luckily, the cast iron block of the engine was driven down and under the cab, otherwise Pam would not have survived at all. Her injuries were caused in the first impact and then by the crushing of the cab of the pickup as the semi ground its way forward.

The salesman's car had been locked into the frame of the pickup truck by the first impact, but it spun free after the second. Unfortunately, the trailer of the semi had swung slightly sideways on impact. The trailing wheels, carrying the fully loaded weight of the trailer, passed over the passenger section of the car, killing the salesman instantly.

The driver of the semi had been wearing a seat belt, but was thrown forward over the wheel in the initial impact and suffered multiple facial and upper body injuries. On top of that, he had a broken leg, but he did survive.

When we left town and drove out toward home, we saw the accident, but we didn't recognise the pickup. We wouldn't have known it was Pam, but the policeman on the scene recognised us and flagged us over. The volunteer firemen were there, trying to get Pam out of the wreck. She was pinned into the seat by the crumpled dash and cab of the pickup and it was no easy job.

I'm not sure how long it took them to get Pam out of the wreck, but it seemed to take forever. I do know that for the next forty-eight hours, we maintained a constant vigil at the hospital while the medical staff did their best to save both her and the baby's life. The baby was actually born prematurely and really didn't stand a chance, in fact it may have been born dead. If it wasn't dead at birth, it died in the first few moments.

Somehow the staff of that tiny hospital in a hick town on the prairies managed to keep Pam alive though. They even managed to repair her shattered body to the point that she was able to recover and again live a full life, but for a long time that was touch and go as well. She almost gave up from the guilt she felt after she came out of the drugged stupor she had been in and realised that her baby was gone. She felt guilty about his death, she felt guilty about the accident and she even felt guilty that she hadn't been able to attend the baby's funeral. Her guilt and grief were terrible to witness.

And the feelings of guilt and grief didn't stop with her. We all shared in that. Joe felt guilty for not leaving that stupid note and for not disabling the pickup so it couldn't be driven in an unsafe condition. I felt guilty for not turning back and insisting that Joe leave the note. Lisa-Marie felt guilty for not staying behind so she could warn her Mom that the truck was still unsafe to drive.

It took months for the whole family to get over the grief and the guilt. In fact, I suppose we've never really gotten over it, not as much as we've accepted the facts of the matter and gone on with our lives. However, I like to think we try just a little bit harder to see the repercussions of our actions before we do something irrevocable or unsafe.

Now Lisa-Marie and I were living through another loss of almost the same kind. It was true that this time we didn't share any of Andy's feelings of guilt and it was also true that Andy was a friend not a relative, but I couldn't see how that made a huge difference. Instead it seemed to me that life was forcing us to relive feelings dredged up from our past.

I hugged Lisa-Marie a bit tighter and she sighed softly.

"We have to go talk to Andy and Willy." She whispered. "They're going to wonder what's wrong."

"I guess we should tell them, huh?"

"Unh huh. It isn't fair for them to think that they're at fault for us feeling grief all over again."

"Yeah, I'm not sure I can talk to Andy about it though."

"I feel almost the same about Willy." She admitted. "Why don't you go out to the truck with him since he wants to go home right away? Then while you're with him, you can give him a short explanation of what happened. At the same time, I'll talk to Andy and explain a bit about the way we feel."

"Just as long as we don't lay a guilt trip on either one of them." I agreed and she nodded.

Hand in hand, we went back into the kitchen to see our friends. I walked right over to Andy and wrapped her in my arms, hugging her tightly and kissing her cheek.

"Sorry to be a bit abrupt, we were having a private moment." I explained.

"Oh that's okay, and I didn't think you were short with us, not really." She snuggled briefly, then pulled back slightly. "Besides, it is your house and..."

"And you're a guest, in fact, you're almost a member of the household." Lisa-Marie suddenly wrapped her arms around both Andy and me, squeezing us tightly together. "When you came out to the back porch, we were reliving a moment of our past. I'll explain it to you later, Andy, after there are no guys around."

"That sounds like a hint for me to get out of here." I sighed and started to pull away.

"You can wait a moment and hug the two women in your household." Lisa-Marie's hug tightened briefly.

"Yeah, I need to go and do my chores at home." Willy offered.

"I'd like a hug from you before you go." Andy wriggled out of Lisa-Marie's and my embrace and walked over to him.

As Willy gave her a brief hug, I looked down at Lisa-Marie, winked and slipped out of her arms, moving over near the door.

"I'll give you a hand to clear the snow from your pickup." I said to Willy as I grabbed my coat and yanked on my boots.

"I don't think I need..."

"I'll give you a hand." I interrupted him firmly.

He was frowning at me as we went out onto the porch so I paused and frowned back.

"Look. I wanted to talk to you without Andy hearing what I said." I growled at him. "You damn near queered that with your silly desire to have me stay inside."

"Oops, sorry about that. Did you want to tell me something important?"

"Yes, in a way." I sighed, "Come on, I'll talk to you as we clean off your truck."

So I told him the basic story about Pam's accident and about the way she had reacted afterward. Then I explained about the fact that both Lisa-Marie and I knew what Andy was going to go through. We didn't have to guess about it. I tried to give him the impression that we were the perfect people to sympathise with Andy and help her cope with her grief. At the same time, I tried to play down the amount of grief we were going to be feeling ourselves. I'm not certain how successful I was, but at least I felt better for having told him the larger part of the truth.

By the time I was done talking, it had taken a good ten minutes. His pickup was cleared of snow and warmed up enough to drive, so he got behind the wheel and looked at me seriously.

"Thanks." He nodded. "I'll let Mom and Dad know, and you know, I think it will make them feel better. I'm not sure if it helps me much, but then the only thing that I know for sure would do that is if someone gave Fred a free medical procedure."

"A medical procedure?"

"Yes, I was talking to one of the nurses at the hospital and she called it an orciectomy. I'd like Fred to have a double orciectomy. I'd even pay for the job."

"What in blazes is an orciectomy?"

"That's when they surgically remove a testicle. I'd like Fred to lose both of his." With that, he slammed the door shut, put the truck in gear and accelerated away.

I watched him as he drove down the drive and then tried to turn when he got to the road. His brake lights came on, then his front wheels turned, but it made no difference. The icey surface of the road and the wet fallen snow made the turn impossible and the speed he was going prevented him from stopping. The pickup went straight across the road and plowed into the snow-filled ditch on the other side.

I just threw my hands in the air and turned to trudge up to the machine shed. It was going to take the tractor to get him out of there, so I slid open the big doors and turned on the lights in the shed. The old John Deere fired up quickly and while it was warming up, I went to find a chain so I could pull Willy's truck backward. At least I knew where Uncle Silas had kept a couple of logging chains for towing things and I dragged one down the shop, tossing it and a couple of shovels into the front end loader's bucket. Then I drove the tractor outside and closed the big door.

Willy was still sitting in the truck when I got there and parked the tractor just inside my driveway. He was shaking his head as he leaned out the window.

"I can't even open the dang door." He snorted. "That's what I get for losing my cool, isn't it?"

"Yup, nature has a way of telling a man that he's being an asshole." I grinned at him, then calmly started to shovel the snow away from his door.

"Yes, Silas, number two." He said sarcastically, then chuckled. "You do sound just like him at times, and from me, that's a compliment."

"Well thank you, that's the way I took it. Now, that door should open easy enough and I brought another shovel." I said as I stepped back to give him room to open the door.

"Yes Boss." He chuckled again as he got out and grabbed the other shovel from me.

With the two of us working, it was only a few minutes before we had the snow cleared away from the tires and fenders of the truck. Then I pulled the tractor ahead and hooked the logging chain from the front end bucket to the frame of his truck.

"When you come out of the ditch, your back tires may get traction and I've only got a fifteen-foot chain." I warned Willy. "Be ready huh? I don't really want to have my tractor all bashed up."

"You're not worried about me bashing up my pickup then?"

"Nope, it's not mine and you're driving, so I couldn't do anything if I wanted to." I grinned.

As soon as I put tension on the chain, Willy dropped the truck into reverse and just as the tires on the tractor started to spin, his truck popped out of the snowbank like a cork out of a bottle. He got stopped before hitting the tractor, but just barely. That was only because I hadn't stopped right away, but had waited until an instant after I saw his brake lights before I hit mine. After I'd stopped, I back away a bit further with the tractor until he had a bit more room to back up and turn, then I locked the brakes and hopped down to get the chain unhooked.

"Thanks Tom." Willy said as he handed me the shovels. "I'll take it a little slower on the way home."

"You do that." I grinned. "See you tomorrow."

I watched as he waved, hopped into the truck, then pulled away slowly. After tossing the shovels and the chain into the front bucket, all I had to do was put the tractor away, then I closed up the machine shed and went inside. Lisa-Marie and Andy were setting the table for our evening meal.

"How did Willy manage to drive straight into the ditch?" Andy demanded as soon as I walked into the kitchen.

"He was going a bit fast when he tried to turn and that snow is real slippery. He just lost it for an instant and that's all it takes." I shrugged.

"Silly damn fool. He knows better than to drive too fast in the snow." Andy snorted.

"Hey, everyone is allowed to make a mistake or two. None of us are perfect."

"Yeah, but that was stupid and it just made more work for you." She turned on me with a frown on her face. "You two are spending all of your time cleaning up after things that Willy and I have caused."

"Do you see me complaining?" I asked, glancing at Lisa-Marie who was standing behind Andy and wrapped her arms around herself in a hugging motion.

"No, but it's unfair and I think..."

She stopped speaking as I wrapped her in my arms and smiled over her shoulder at Lisa-Marie who nodded at me. Suddenly Andy was snuggling and crying softly as she cuddled tightly in my arms. I raised my eyebrows at Lisa-Marie who just touched a finger to her lips and smiled slightly.

For several minutes, Andy simply snuggled and cried softly as she leaned against me. I just hugged her and gently stroked her back, waiting patiently as she cried herself out. What I found slightly surprising was that Lisa-Marie never said anything and seemed to be watching with a slight smile. Finally Andy pulled back slightly and her face turned up toward mine.

"Thank you, for everything." She whispered softly.

I never even thought about my reaction as I bent my head and kissed her gently, hugging her again.

"Hugs and snuggles are free." I smiled as I pulled away. "Now, I'll be right back, I need to clean up and change. I actually did some work with animals tonight and even I can smell it on my clothes."

I noticed a look pass between the two of them, but didn't think anything of it. Instead I went upstairs to wash and clean up, once more resolving that I wanted to get the half bath built on the main floor as soon as possible. As I was drying my hands, I realised that just telling Willy about Pam, and knowing that Lisa-Marie had told Andy the same thing, had relaxed me somehow. I was no longer holding onto a secret and I realised that I felt that way because I trusted them and I wanted the trust to flow both ways.