Chapter 19

It was with definitely mixed feelings that Julia welcomed Julie for her first session as a true patient. Julia had come to regard Betty as a very good friend. They had been meeting together for lunch or breakfast almost weekly, and Julia had been invited to dinner a few times when Frank was away. It return, Betty and Alan had been to the Waxman house for dinner once and had been treated to dinner and a play once.

Now that Julie was a patient, getting together with Betty posed an ethical problem for Julia. There was certainly no policy or by-law that prevented it, but her own standards weighed against it. Betty was only the patient's mother-in-law, but they were living in the same house. At breakfast the day before Julie's first appointment, Julia had explained her dilemma.

"I would sure miss our get-togethers," Betty said, "but if it means better treatment for Julie, that's the way it has to be. I'm really concerned about her, and not just for Glen's sake, either."

As she had several times before, Betty almost brought Julia to tears. A big part of the reason she treasured Betty as a friend was that she was the most straight-forward, guileless person she had ever met. She knew Betty's declaration was not a put-on in any way. "Tell you what," Betty went on, "can we try at least once more, after you've met with Julie. I will not bring up anything about her: we can talk about our love lives and good stuff like that. I'll try to be just a girlfriend and not a patient's mother-in-law. 'Course, if you need to ask me something to help with Julie, then I'll be her mother-in-law again. Think that will work?" Julia just reached across and squeezed her hand.

Contrasts were nothing new in her profession, but Julia had long ago placed Betty and Vince as primary examples of the extremes, even though she had never met Vince face to face. Her perception of Vince was as the most self-absorbed person on earth. Betty, on the other hand, lived her life as much for her loved ones as anyone she had ever met. As far as she could tell, Julia had never met a person more content with her life than Betty. Vince, on the other hand, must by now have been a pretty miserable man.

"Julie, I have to commend you for not taking out your feelings on your mother," Julia said after Julie had described what caused her recent depression.

"Well, I kinda did," Julie answered. "She could tell I was, uh, closing up on her."

"That was a pretty mild reaction for the way you felt. Don't you hold her responsible for missing the college experience you dreamed about?" Theresa had told Julia why Julie needed to see her.

Julie was very quiet for a while, then said "Dr. Waxman, I..."

"Call me Julia, please. I know our similar names are confusing, but I like to think you were a friend before you were a patient."

"Oh, yeah. Thank you," Julie responded uncertainly. "Anyway, it's hard for me to think of Mom as the same person who did those things. You must see it - how totally different she is. Back at graduation time, I used to lay awake at night thinking of ways I could get revenge on her and my Dad. But what would be the point any more?"

"For my whole life, I saw how my friend Candy was with her Mom. I was so jealous - I wanted that. I think all girls want that. Then, when I moved in with Glen, I got some of that with Betty - a lot it. It made me feel even worse for what I had missed. Now, I'm getting it from my own mother. It feels too good to spoil it by getting angry at her all over again."

"Julie, I've spent years with patients and failed to get them to the place you have just expressed. Are you sure you really need to see me?"

"Hey, I told you what my mind has figured out," Julie answered with some animation. "Maybe you can help me get my feelings to go along with my mind. Besides, you're the only person I can talk to about the Big Thing."

"Ah, yes. The Big Thing," Julia said, restraining a chuckle at the euphemism for Julie's intentional pregnancy. "Of course, you already know my view on the Big Thing from when we talked before."

"Yes, I know. You're afraid that it will poison our marriage. My problem is that I'm afraid it would destroy it right now if he found out."

"And you're hoping that time will bring enough reasons to stay married that you can survive as a couple when he finds out?" Julia asked.

"You seem so certain that he will find out," Julie said with some irritation. Julia decided not to respond, and they sat in silence for a while.

Julia broke the silence with a somber tone. "Julie, I am concerned that the Big Thing will affect your feelings and attitude toward your daughter."

"Oh, no, I'd never..." Julie started to object, but stopped in mid-sentence and stared at Julia.

When Julie seemed to sag in her chair, Julia spoke again. "I take it you've been concerned about that yourself. Do you think about Libby as the reason all of your dreams are gone?"

"Now, wait," Julie said with some irritation, "not all of my dreams are gone. I'm going to be with Glen forever, and that's my biggest dream of all."

"But you've already admitted that your marriage might not survive him discovering the Big Thing." Julia knew that was a very strong, inflammatory statement. She did not want to hurt the girl, but she had to make sure Julie had a realistic understanding of her situation. The tears that began running down Julie's cheeks told her she understood it very well.

"I'm sorry, Julie. I hope you know I would not intentionally hurt you. I need to find out where your head is about your situation. You were telling me that not all of your dreams are dead. What else is still alive?"

"I've always seen myself as a mother, and now I am one. And Libby is more wonderful than I could have imagined." Julie brightened up quickly when she mentioned Libby. "You know, when I hold her, I sometimes think how I would feel if someday she just walked away and never wanted to see me again. It makes me more sympathetic toward Mom."

"But you never think of Libby as the cause of what you missed out on?"

"She didn't cause it. I had her on purpose, and it was the only thing I could do. Mom and Dad were the ones who really killed the dreams."

"Yet you no longer hate your mother?"

"No! Are you trying to convince me that I should?" Julia asked with obvious anger.

"Of course not, Julie. I am trying to get a good picture of what you are thinking and feeling."

"I will tell you I hate that woman that was married to my father. But that's just not Mom."

"Do you believe that she was as much a victim of your father as you and Terry were?"

"Yes! Terry and I have talked about this a lot. He's not where I am, but we agree that Dad was just so powerful that he overwhelmed all of us. Mom became what he forced her to be. The woman that is married to Roland couldn't even be related to the mother I ran away from."

"Do you hate your father?"

"Oh, wow? I guess you are trying to find out. I would say I see him as the real cause of everything bad that has happened to me. I don't care if I ever see him again. Do I wish for bad things to happen to him? I guess being so hardheaded he lost someone like Mom is enough punishment. Of course, if he doesn't realize just what he lost, it isn't much punishment, is it?"

"You don't think he realizes it?"

"I have no way of knowing, and I certainly don't want to ask him," Julie declared. "My guess would be that he has made her into the villain in his mind."

"You're very reluctant to admit to hatred, aren't you?" Julia asked.

"To me, hatred is an out of control emotion," Julie explained. "If you had grown up with us, you would have seen what out of control emotion can do. I don't ever want to be like that." Theresa had stunned Julia several times with her insights and declarations. Now, her daughter had made a stunningly profound statement.

"Does that make you, um, restrain your emotions a lot, then?" Julia asked almost without thought.

"Not the good ones," Julie said with her first smile in a long time.

Writing or pretending to write notes was an excellent way to plan a new line of questioning. Julia thought it was time for that change, and wrote for a minute or so before continuing.

"Was there anything else from your talks with Megan that caused you to be jealous or depressed? Something besides the college experience."

"Oh! Um, yeah, there was," Julie responded quickly. "She has so many things, anything she wants, in fact. Mom and Dad had money like that. I could have had most anything I wanted."

"But you didn't want it?"

"Of course I wanted it. I just wasn't willing to pay the price."

"Which was... ?"

"Be exactly what they expected me to be. Get straight A's, keep my virginity, go to their college, be their perfect little display doll."

"In other words, buy their favor?"

"Yeah, I guess that's the way I thought about it."

"Was that such a high price?"

"If I hadn't started going with Glen, I might have been willing to just go along. What they wanted meant being separated from him. That was too much."

As the session neared its end, Julia tried to explain some of the harsh questions she had asked. Julie assured her she understood and thanked Julia for listening and for making her think.

Julie had understated the impact of all of Megan's talk of wealth and possessions. And it was not just Megan. The entire store, and especially its clientele, screamed 'MONEY'. When she drove, Julie parked their ten-year-old economy car in the back lot with the cars of the warehouse gang. Most of the sales staff drove cars more like the customers'. The main lot usually resembled a luxury car dealership.

All day on the job, she interacted with people whose only concern about dropping several thousand on a single piece of furniture was whether it was exactly the right color, or whether it could be delivered in time for the big party. Price never seemed to be an issue.

For a girl who had once been able to live that way, it was hard to be reminded that she was now on the other side. Several of the salespeople were themselves quite well off. Her fashion conscious eye knew how long the women could go before wearing the same outfit again, and it was a long time. She had struggled to get mix and match clothes that at least looked like something different every day of the week.

To her credit, Julie had not let the wealth gap bother her for the first year of her marriage, but her constant interaction with Megan over the summer broke through her ability to ignore the disparity of her own circumstances.

The Menconi home was filled with quality things. One of the few activities Julie had shared with her mother as a teen was shopping. She had hated the clothes her mother forced on her, but she learned to recognize quality, nonetheless. She had no negative feelings about the home furnishings, and already had a good eye for quality and style when she started working at the store. That was partly why she became a successful salesperson so quickly.

Even her sessions with Julia could not keep her from feeling more and more deprived as time went on. With Glen planning on being a teacher, she knew that she would never be able to shop in the store where she was working. The exquisite items that her customers ordered so casually often cost more than any car they would likely own.

Julie was not naturally greedy or covetous, but she did like nice things. The economic disparity was something that wore on her little by little over a long period of time. In retrospect, she might have been better off finding another job, but she probably could not have equaled her earnings anywhere else.

She was certainly not the first poor person making a living selling things she could never hope to buy. Nor was she ungrateful for the good things she did have. But neither was she impervious to the contrasts between the haves and the relative have nots.

Glen's desire to be a teacher had always bothered Julie, being the one thing about him that she was not thrilled with. She held him in such high regard that she believed he could be as successful as her father, or the store owner, or any other man if he would just choose something more lucrative than teaching.

Julia ferreted out Julie's feelings and fears about their future financial outlook. Of particular concern to her was the possibility that the girl might start to think less of her husband, even fall out of love with him. She had certainly seen it happen.

This was one of those areas where all a therapist could do was help the patient to explore their feelings and concerns thoroughly, then try to give them the best possible perspective. Through the fall and the holiday season, the lost college dream receded in importance, and the economic outlook dominated the sessions. Julia could see the issue growing in importance in Julie's mind, and sensed that she was conducting a controlled retreat with her patient.

In a couple of sessions, Julia suggested it might be best for Julie to find a different job. That suggestion was met with surprising resistance, considering the emotional turmoil resulting from the job. Julie made very sound arguments about the level of her earnings and the excellence of the medical coverage. Julia had to concede that she probably could not duplicate them elsewhere.

When Julia asked if a reduction in earnings and benefits might not be worthwhile to keep from being bombarded by the economic disparity every day, Julie resisted that idea vigorously. After more detailed discussion, Julia concluded that Julie liked working in the environment of money and expensive things. It was becoming like a fairy tale dream for her, and she did not want to give it up. If she could never have those things, at least let her be around them and dream.

The therapy sessions gave Julie an outlet for her frustrations and kept her from taking them out on Glen or Libby. Unfortunately, her bleak economic future was not the only thing about the job that triggered dissatisfaction in Julie.

Nearly every sales organization has 'God's gift to women' on the payroll. Depending on the class of the organization, he may be crude and sleazy or quite urbane and sophisticated. The furniture store had not one but two such men employed.

The commission structure allowed senior sales 'consultants' to earn very attractive incomes. It only happened through legitimate skill, hard work, and tenure, so the caliber of consultants was generally high. That only made more impact on Julie.

The problem was that these men were polished extroverts. They were impeccably groomed and dressed. They drove the kind of cars the customers had, and they frequented the higher class clubs and restaurants. And they were committed single hunter types.

With Julie's looks, she was a constant target of male customers and employees alike. The owner and the sales manager, a woman, were very ethical people, and very much attuned to the dangers of harassment and sex discrimination. As did all new employees, Julie had an orientation session where it was made clear that no sale was worth her tolerating any kind of abuse or pressure from a customer. That message had been reinforced regularly, and there had been a few times when she had sent a customer away because of crude or suggestive comments. She was learning how tenuous was the correlation between money and class.

With her two flirtatious coworkers, there was never a problem of harassment or crude behavior. They were both classy guys - but classy guys with active hormones. They were always courteous and helpful to her, but they missed no chance to deliver a compliment, either.

It did not take long for the wolves to determine that there was zero chance of getting Julie into bed, or of even getting her to go out with them. To her, that was not even a remote possibility. That, however, did not diminish her appeal in their eyes, and only seemed to redouble their efforts to flirt with her.

Any woman responds to compliments and flirtatious attention, and Julie was no exception. Knowing what the guys really wanted did no harm to her ego, either, regardless of the fact that she would never even consider it.

The real impact of the two guys on Julie was to put Glen at a disadvantage by contrast. They were bon vivantes, while Glen hardly had a life. They avidly pursued and talked endlessly about every pleasure that was in vogue. All Glen did was go to work, go to school, swim, and spend as much time as he could with Julie and Libby.

Both of the guys could have modeled for GQ in their work attire. Glen went to work at night in clothes appropriate for a warehouse, including the store vest and ID badge. To school, he wore jeans and whatever top was appropriate for the weather.

The guys seemed to have a contest to see who could make Julie react the most to their compliments. Glen was uniformly sweet and considerate. He worshipped her body nearly every night with a lotion massage. But he was not constantly heaping praise on her for her beauty.

Julie was certainly no venal airhead to be swayed by superficial things. She understood and appreciated Glen's drive and determination, and stood in awe of his endurance. She melted every time she saw him loving up Libby, and she fairly vibrated as he applied lotion to her naked body.

But there was little excitement or flash in their lives, and that was what the two guys represented in abundance. She knew Glen was the reality of her life, but she could not stop the tendrils of discontent from worming their way in over the months.

As a boyfriend, Glen had done very well at the excitement aspects of their relationship. But when suddenly faced with family responsibility, he was so determined not to fail that he could only see what he had to do for survival and for future success. The little getaway weekend at the cabin had been a nice infusion of some excitement, but it had never been repeated. They barely went out to dinner or an event of any kind once a month. He had become so consumed by the urgent that he was losing sight of the important. He was doing his part to make the contrast unflattering to himself, even though he knew nothing of the comparison that his wife faced every day. As for his goal of teaching: he never had any reason to question or reevaluate it.

That was a subject Julia began hammering on in their sessions after the holidays. Julie discussed her feelings and concerns readily in the sessions, but had never voiced a word of concern or discontent to Glen. Her guilt toward him was already so heavy that she could not imagine criticizing him in any way. Julia's counsel to start talking to him about his career choice fell on deaf ears. He was killing himself to fulfill his dream. How could she suggest to him that his dream wasn't a good one for his family?

As the winter wore on, Julie steadfastly refused to open up to her husband about her concerns. She also refused to try to prod him toward more romance and excitement. Her guilt would not let her do those things, and thus her guilt caused them to smolder and fester inside of her.

Glen was practically killing himself. Only his steadfast commitment to swimming kept his body from deteriorating under the constant demands and the minimal sleep. Only the kind of mental discipline that allowed a person to excel in a grueling sport like swimming could keep him to his murderous schedule.

On top of his full slate of classes, he was constantly working another course on the side. The U allowed certain 'non-core' course requirements to be fulfilled by proficiency exams. As spring approached, he was working on his fifth such exam, having successfully tested out of four courses in the first year and a half. He believed he could graduate a year from the coming May, after just six full semesters and two summer sessions.

In what little extra time he had at school, he began exploring employment possibilities, an effort that was not encouraging. He discovered to his dismay that the Extension had not placed a teaching grad in a metro area public school in seven years. Those demand districts were able to pick and choose their candidates, and always chose from more highly rated schools, often insisting on advanced degrees. Even State did not place many grads in the area.

The sad fact was that when he graduated, he would have to move his family to another city, probably a much smaller city. They would have to leave their families and the wonderful support system that had allowed them to get to that point. He would miss his family, but Julie really was finding a family for the first time. It would be very hard on her.

Economically they would take a big beating. As he checked out the salaries at some of the districts where grads had gone recently, he saw that most were barely more than his wage at the grocery store. Julie was making more than he was, and more than the starting pay at any of the out-state districts. It was a cruel awakening to one of the realities of his chosen profession.

Glen was a very goal-oriented person, and tremendously disciplined. What he was not was wealth-oriented. In all the years that he pointed toward a teaching career, he really never took a serious look at the financial prospects. He knew that the retirement and health benefits were usually very good, but he had paid little attention to the salaries. As a matter of fact, the main reason for choosing teaching was because it was the avenue to coaching, his real dream.

For several days after his examination of the placement history, Glen had difficulty sleeping, a problem he could ill afford. Julie knew something was bothering him and asked about it several times. He, however, was terrified of telling her what their prospects were. She would never find a job that she liked as well and that paid as well in one of those smaller towns. How would they afford an apartment and a car on the salaries being offered? It seemed to him that teaching was intended as a supplementary income for a family, at least in the smaller, poorer districts.

What troubled him as much as anything was why it had taken him so long to discover these discouraging facts. Was he being mercenary to put so much emphasis on the pay? But he had a family to support! That was the key factor! A beginning teacher was supposed to be single and able to live in minimal accommodations until the salary got closer to a living wage. Those starting salaries were never intended to support a wife and a child.

What should he do? Teaching and coaching was all he had ever thought about doing. Would he have to go on for a Masters and try to get into a better-paying metro district? But that would add almost two more years, and the Extension did not have a Masters program in Education. Where would he go? The tuition at Addison University was out of sight, as it was at two other private colleges in town. The degrees from those schools were worth a lot more, but he had to get there, first. Even with the trust money and his earnings from work, he couldn't cover the cost. Besides that, sooner or later they had to move out on their own.

After four days of turmoil and very little sleep, Glen had reached no resolution to his problem, but was able sleep from sheer exhaustion. Then, he was blind-sided by another event that was very disturbing to him. Ellie got her swimming scholarship to State.

She knew what the news would probably do to her brother, and it took a lot of the joy out of her achievement. Betty found her sitting on her bed with the acceptance letter, tears streaming down her face.

"Bad news, Honey?" Betty asked.

"No, uh... no. No. I, uh, got the scholarship at State."

"Then why?... Oh, God! You sweetheart!" Betty sat next to her daughter and wrapped both arms around her. She added some sniffles of her own to Ellie's sobs for a while, then pushed back to arms length.

"Is Glen going to be proud of you?" she asked Ellie.

"Sure."

"Is he going to be happy for you?"

"Uh huh."

"Would he want you to be crying on his account?"

"But it's going to bring it all back again," Ellie wailed through a new rush of tears.

"Sweetie, it won't bring it all back 'cause it has never gone away. It's something that will be with him his whole life. What would he do if he saw you right now - crying for him?"

"Oh, God! He'd paddle my butt - give me something to cry about."

"Right. So you go wash your face and get right down there and tell him. He's awake and studying." Ellie nodded and headed off toward the bathroom. "Ellie, wait!" Betty said just before she got out of the bedroom. Running to her daughter, she literally picked her up and spun her around. "I forgot to say how proud and happy I am." That triggered a round of happy tears.

Glen looked up as Ellie rapped on the frame of the open door. He knew instantly why she had come down, just from the mixed emotions showing on her face. He had known this was coming, and had steeled himself for it. Jumping to his feet, he dashed over and duplicated the lift and hug their mother had down. "Congratulations, Babe! I knew you'd get it. I'm so damed proud of you! Have you called Terry yet?"

"No, I just opened the letter."

"Well, you'd better call him right away. I'm sure he's more interested than anyone." Without saying anything more, he gave her another hug and a kiss on the mouth. He turned her back toward the stairs and sent her off with a little pat on the butt.

Ellie was reluctant to leave, as it seemed like Glen was hurrying her away, but she went on up the stairs. Just as she reached the top, she heard the door to their bedroom shut quietly. She paused, then crept back down quietly. With her ear to the door, she could hear him sobbing and reached for the doorknob. Just then, her hand was grabbed and she swung around to see Betty shaking her head and putting a finger to her lips for silence.

Ellie let her mother lead her up to the kitchen before she objected, "But Mom, he's hurting real bad."

"Do you think going to him will help?"

"Well, I'd like to think my support means something to him."

"Oh, it does, it does. But if you go in there while he's like that, what will he think?"

"I hope he'd think that I love him and hate to see him sad."

"Yes, Honey, he would think that. But he would also think that he was spoiling your big day, and that would be very hard on him."

"Oh. Well, it did spoil it some. But I guess I don't have to let him know that, do I."

"I'm guessing he knows," Betty explained, "but what we're doing here is giving him a chance to protect his dignity, OK?"

By suppertime, Glen was able to give a masterful performance of pure joy for his sister. The joy was real, but the anguish of his memories was just as real. Later, Julie let him cry himself out on her shoulder instead of getting her usual massage.

Between finding out about the poor job prospects and having painful memories stirred by Ellie's scholarship award, Glen's spirits took a serious nosedive.

He could find very little to feel positive about. His lack of self-control had resulted in Julie's pregnancy and all that it meant. All of his hard work since then would not get him a job that could support his family decently. Not only had he screwed up their lives in the first place, he couldn't even do the right things to work them out of the mess!

The thought of telling Julie that they would have to move to some podunk town and live on next to nothing was more than he could bear. He just knew he could not do it. It was not right! She needed to be right where they were with her mother nearby. She deserved it after all of the bad years.

He considered quitting school right then and looking for a better job. The store had offered him a spot in their management training program. Grocery management salaries were not great, but better than what the out-state school districts were paying beginning teachers. And there was potential for promotion.

The problem was, quitting was very difficult for Glen to even consider. He went so far as to check out student loans so he could get a Masters at one of the local colleges. The debt he would accumulate terrified him. Measured against even the better pay for Masters grads in metro districts, it looked like they would be in debt forever.

In a quandary with no idea what to do, he just kept doing what he was doing - working himself to death. It became a lot harder, though, without a reasonable reward visible at the end of all the sacrifice.

Up until the time of Ellie's scholarship award, the relationship between Julie and Glen had not suffered in any noticeable way due to Julie's concerns. Her feelings for him had not been affected, and her need for his loving was at least as strong as ever.

With the demands of a baby, their time together was not their own as it once was, but since Libby passed the one year mark, caring for her was less of a strain than when she was an infant. Actually, she demanded and got more face time, but at least there were no more wee hours feedings.

All in all, though, Libby was a binding influence on their marriage. Both parents adored her completely, and they could spend endless amounts of time with both of them playing with her. Julie had always been concerned that her baby would be confused about who her mother was, spending so much time in the care of her grandmothers. So, if Glen was guilty of being too focused on school, Julie probably tried too hard to spend every possible minute with her baby.

Since the past summer, Julie had been struggling with the things Julia was trying to help her with, but Glen had been the same as always. His steadfastness was enough to keep the relationship on an even keel. The problem was, when discouragement and depression hit Glen, the anchor lost its hold and the couple became very vulnerable.

As high school sweethearts, the couple's lives were structured by school, home, activities, etc. Romance and sex were enough to build a healthy teenaged relationship. There were differences in goals and expectations between them, but the newness and the glamour made them seem insignificant.

Julie was by nature aggressive and optimistic. She believed in her abilities and was willing to take risks to get what she wanted. Growing up in an affluent household, she was used to some luxuries, and expected to have them in the future.

Glen inherited a good measure of his father's caution and focus on security and stability. He was more oriented toward working hard than to taking risks. His reason for choosing teaching was because of his desire to coach. However, teaching also fit well with his low-risk orientation. The Voss family had not enjoyed many luxuries, and they held relatively little importance to Glen.

That kind of expectation gap was something a couple would definitely have to resolve before considering marriage. Going to college together would have been an ideal time to iron out that difference and many others. Unfortunately, Julie and Glen did not have that chance. They went directly from star-struck sweethearts and campus stars to struggling parents. The expectations gap was buried under the need for survival, but it was never resolved.

Julie's work environment rekindled her desire for a high standard of living and increased her dissatisfaction with Glen's career choice. His shock when he faced the reality of his future economic outlook left him with his motivation and his self-confidence severely crippled.

Julia's advice to Julie all along had been to share her concerns with Glen. Her guilt had prevented her from addressing them for some time. When she finally realized that she could no longer keep them to herself, the timing was terrible. Julia's advice was not wrong. It was just an unfortunate confluence of events.

It was a week after Ellie's good news when Julie chose to bring up the subject. He was massaging her, and she was as soft-spoken and gentle as she could be, not even addressing the salary issue directly. "Honey, do you think you will find a job around here when you graduate?"

He froze in mid-stroke, his hand on the back of her thigh. The very subject that he most feared addressing was out in the open. Ordinarily, he would have met the problem head on and told her honestly the discouraging facts he had uncovered. It was a measure of the hit his self-esteem had taken that he could not tell her the truth right then. In fact, he actually became angry that she had found a most sensitive spot.

He waffled, telling her he was not sure what his prospects were. She knew it, but rather than pressing, she backed off. It had taken a huge effort for her to ask the question. When it looked like things might become argumentative, she could not bring herself to engage. One of the results of the battles from her childhood was a loathing of any kind of argument. Images of her horrible tirade against Glen always arose whenever things got testy, and she almost became physically ill.

Julie said no more, and Glen resumed the massage, but things had changed between them, and they both knew it.

Julie had trouble sleeping after Glen went to work. She had come up with the question about getting a job nearby on the spur of the moment. The subject she originally wanted to address was salary expectations. That was what she had been agonizing over with Julia since the summer. To her, his prevarication was obvious, and it set off alarm bells in her mind. The idea that they might have to move away in a year had never really occurred to her, but now it sent a chill through her.

In high school, the prospect of moving away from her parents and starting a new life with Glen had her ideal dream. Now, the support system of her in-laws and her 'new-found' mother seemed essential: she could not see how they could make without that help. Besides the help, being close to her mother and her new sister was more important than she had realized.

Glen was in an uncharacteristically surly mood at work that night. Partly it was because of the question Julie had asked. He read a clear note of criticism in her query. Mostly, though, he was upset because of the way he reacted to her question. Honesty was something he prided himself in, and he had lied to his wife, his lover.

Repeatedly as he he worked, he vowed to come clean with her in the morning when he got home. Yet, he knew in his heart he could not do it. Opening up the whole employment issue would force him to admit failure. He had ruined their plans for the future by getting her pregnant. He had bungled his earnest attempts to build a future for them despite the setback. Now, he could not even be honest with her about his failure.

In normal circumstances, Glen's self-esteem could have withstood all of the assaults he was experiencing, but there was nothing normal about his life right then. It was approaching two years of a non-stop back-breaking schedule, and he was physically and mentally worn out. His course load was tough, and the semester end was approaching too quickly. In his weakness, he decided to keep up the pretense that all would be well when he graduated.

Pretense seldom endures for long in a marriage, especially when the pretender is basically too honest to pull it off. It took a couple of weeks, but Glen finally had to admit to what he had found out about job prospects.

The reality of having to move away hit Julie very hard, and produced the first tears that were his fault in a long time. She went through all of the options that he had already considered. When he explained that a Masters would cost too much, it got her back to her original concern about their economic future.

The feelings of guilt were still very strong in both of them, each feeling they were responsible for their disrupted future. Those guilt feelings prevenedt either of them from lashing out strongly at the other. Thus, their relationship deteriorated in small, slow stages, with almost no harsh words or open anger. However slowly and however politely, the deterioration did occur, and there were some significant events along the way.

Megan worked at the store again that summer, and she was even more enthusiastic about her life than before. The impact on Julie was not hard to understand. Julia did her best, but was unable to defuse the growing discontent and increasing panic in her patient.

At some point, the evening lotion massages stopped. There had always been times when they were impossible to schedule for a night or two. After one such lapse, they just never started again. Glen did not offer, and Julie did not ask.

Late in the summer, Glen started going to the pool directly from work, rather than hurrying home to spend some time with Julie before he slept. He also worked out more often, finding that swimming was the only thing that eased the turmoil in his mind.

Julie had one near-recurrence of former tirades. Their discussions about moving, salaries, other career options, etc. had been more frequent and more energetic. One night, she went on for a long-time, expressing her fears and her desire for a better future for them. Her voice escalated and she became accusatory.

She had delivered only one scathing accusation when she saw the look on his face and recognized it from that fateful Sunday noon when she had nearly lost him. That stopped her cold, and she ran sobbing into the bathroom and locked the door. A little later, she apologized profusely and pulled him into bed to make love.

Making love, or just having sex, had changed as communications became worse. They still coupled, but it was less frequent and less tender. It was turning into an act of need, rather than one of sharing.

Everyone who cared about the couple saw what was happening, and they all felt helpless. Betty had sensed from the announcement of Julie's pregnancy that their marriage faced some very tough challenges. She wished she had been wrong. Theresa saw the breakdown as one more result of her past sins, and resumed her own sessions with Julia.

By the time Ellie left for school, Julie and Glen were interacting about Libby, and hardly anything else. Anger was seldom expressed openly, but the isolation was as painful to both them as any angry blast.

Through September and early October, Julie and Glen became even more distant. Sex diminished to a trickle. More and more critical comments crept into their conversation, and they began to avoid each other. The love was still there, and neither wanted the breakdown that was occurring. They were just too young; their marriage had been one of necessity, without sufficient time to mature and adjust to each other. And the Big Thing loomed as a huge, deadly problem. Everything was heading downhill.

Glen was painfully aware of what was happening to his marriage when his course advisor called him in in mid-October. "Glen, the high school in Melton has a big problem. Their swimming coach, also a math teacher, needs surgery and will be unavailable for two to three months. You could fill in nicely. Would you be willing to do your in-service training right now? I know this is short notice."

"But... but... it's the middle of the semester. What about all of my classes?" Glen objected.

"I've met with all of the staff involved. We've worked out a way that it won't delay your graduation. I know you're determined to get out in May. We would be so grateful for the help that we will make sure it happens." 'In-service training' was what some schools called 'Methods', and in the past had been known as 'practice teaching'. It was ten to twelve weeks of actual classroom work under the supervision of an experienced teacher. Usually, it was in the last semester before graduation.

"If the teacher is laid up, who will be my sponsor?" Glen asked.

"That's, uh, why I'm talking to you. You're our best student, and we think you could handle being thrown right in as a regular teacher."

"Oh, wow! Aren't there any substitutes?"

"Of course there are, but none who know anything about swimming. Look, they want you very badly. They have arranged a nice apartment at no cost to you. It will be a much better situation than most students get. We have talked to your employer and they are willing to give you a leave of absence. They apparently knew this would happen at some time, anyway."

"Let's see, Melton is four or more hours away, isn't it?" Glen asked.

"Yes, and you would have to be away from your family a lot. But that was likely to happen anyway. This is not the way things should happen, but I need an answer right now. Will you do it? A lot of people will be very grateful."

The decision was actually quite easy for Glen. Of course, the chance to coach swimming was the real draw. But he also felt that if he and Julie did not get some separation, things would blow up on them. The offer was almost too good to be true, and he accepted immediately.

"You mean you're going to be way out there for three months?" Julie asked in shock.

"Yes. You knew I would have to do something like this before I graduated."

"But, you'll have to get a place to stay there. It's too far to commute, and..."

"Julie, I hate to say this, but I think it would be good for us to be apart for a while."

"Apart? You mean like a separation?" The fear was evident in her question. As bad as things had gotten, separation was not something she had considered.

"No. Well, kind of. It's something I would have to do anyway, and it would give us a chance to look at things without, um, well, you know what I mean."

She did know, and she knew he was right. It was just the shock of admitting the need to be apart that she was struggling with. "Will you come home every weekend?"

He paused quite a while before answering. "It will kill me not to see Libby, but I think it would be good for me to stay away for a few weeks, don't you?" She could not answer, and started to cry. Things had deteriorated to the point that he did not even feel he could hold her and comfort her. "I'll have a computer and we can E-mail. I'll call you and Libby as often as I can."

Whatever he had expected, the reality turned out to be much harder for Glen. Coming in cold with no preparation was bad enough, but the students' naturally predatory attitude toward substitute teachers made it even harder. In one way, though, it was just what he needed. It took every bit of his attention and energy, and for once, he could expect normal sleep.

For the first two weeks, he only made brief calls home, and he spent most of the time trying to make a conversation with Libby. She did well for not yet being two, but it could not really be called conversation. With Julie, the talk was very matter of fact, just describing what he was doing. She cried every day after they hung up.

Theresa was the one Julie unburdened herself with. She did some with Betty, too, but she felt close enough to her mother now to share her anguish. Theresa tried to be comforting and supportive, but it was tearing her up inside. Her daughter's whole situation was her fault, and she felt so helpless. Roland had to spend a long time comforting her after each of Julie's visits.

After Glen had been gone for almost three weeks, Julie came to Betty and said "I guess it's time for me and Libby to move out, Betty."

"WHAAAT? Why do you want to do that?"

"I... I don't really want to, but it looks like I won't be your daughter-in-law too much longer." She barely got that out before the flood of tears started.

Stunned and heartbroken for the girl and for her son, Betty was speechless for a moment, then told Julie to wait for her to come back. Fifteen minutes later, both Betty and Theresa walked into the master bedroom where Julie had been waiting.

"Julie, Honey," Betty said softly, "we think it's time for you to tell Glen."

"Tell him?... Tell him what?"

"That you got pregnant on purpose," Betty answer gently.

"Mother! You told her?" Julie shrieked.

"No, no, Honey!" Betty assured her. "She never breathed a word. I suspected it from the first day."

"You did? Then... but... how... why..." Julie became speechless for a minute as she tried to compose herself. "If you knew, how could you be so good to me? You should have hated me for ruining Glen's life!"

"I had a good idea why you did it," Betty told her, causing Theresa to break into tears. "It was done. Glen loves you, and I love you, too. The only thing that made any sense was to do everything I could to help you two make it."

"But if I tell him, I'll lose him!" Julie wailed.

"A little while ago, you thought you were going to lose him anyway. Believe me, that's the last thing any of us want to happen. Julie, I've been afraid all along that your secret could wreck your marriage."

"J... Julia said the same thing," Julie sniffed out. "But if I tell him, it's for sure."

"Nothing is for sure, Honey," Betty corrected her, "except maybe that you two can't go on forever with a secret like that hidden. I think your only real chance is a fresh start with everything out in the open."

"Have you and Julia been talking about this?" Julie asked suspiciously.

"Oh no. You know Julia would never do something like that."

"If... if it was so obvious to you, and to you too, Mom, how come Glen never suspected?"

"I think he loves you so much he just couldn't think of you doing that," Betty responded, knowing that impact that statement would have.

"So if I tell him, he'll know what I'm really like," Julie said bitterly.

"Like I said, I think your only chance is a fresh start with no secrets."

The three women sat in silence broken only by sniffles from all of them. Theresa, who had said nothing until then, spoke up. "Honey, I think you should write it all out in a letter to Glen. Then, I want to take it up to him on Saturday."

"You? Why?"

"I'm the one who drove you two into this situation. I want to believe I've done everything I can to fix it. I don't think you should go."

"I think Theresa's right," Betty added. No more was said as the mothers waited for another round of Julie's sobbing to subside. At the end, Julie just nodded her head, and they all hugged and cried some more.