Copyright© 2003 by Kien Reti

JadeMistress: And you say you've never been kissed?

g33kboy: Nope.

JadeMistress: Ever had a girlfriend?

g33kboy: I suppose u could call her that. But we never actually DID anything.

JadeMistress: And what exactly is it you expect of me?

g33kboy: Teach me! Show me! Show me what 10ve's all about. How 2 10ve and make 10ve. How 2 make 10ve to a real 1ive wom@n. How 2... well, what I rea11y mean is...

JadeMistress: The Birds and the Bees is what I think you're getting at. What you want is a course in Fucking 101. Sorry, kid, didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You're not the first shy guy in that situation, and my heart goes out to you.

g33kboy: So, willya? Huh? Willya?

JadeMistress: Oh, grow up!

g33kboy: But willya?

JadeMistress: Will I what?

g33kboy: Teach me? Teach me?

JadeMistress: No promises, but...

He had met her in the chat room.

g33kboy: Help! Just turned 18 & still v1rg1n. Need 0lder wom@n 2 break me in & teach me. Teach me.

ziphed: L33tle b0y, r u 10nes0me 2nite?

s1kk0: A lapd0g who n33dz 2 be housebroken.

b1akjak: The sandb0x is thataway, tchump.

rumdum79: Run along, it's way past ur b3dtime.

pr3dat0r: Bug 0ff, a55h01e. (We don't do charity cases here.)

ch1pd1p: Whatta luser.

...

JadeMistress: Your innocence is touching. Perhaps I can help...

Instant messaging was all right, but voice chat was a hell of an improvement. She had a low-pitched, bedroom voice. Finally, he got to speak to her on the phone. It was more intimate. She was warm and sympathetic, and could listen to him for hours... which was fortunate because he could run on and on about himself for hours. For some reason, though, she wouldn't send a photo.

"Listen up, g33kboy. In the relative scheme of things, looks are unimportant. Sure, you see lots of all-American beauties with pretty faces and big boobs out there, but if they kick you in the teeth, what does it matter in the end?"

They agreed to meet in person. In the flesh. But there seemed to be a slight problem with logistics. It happened that g33kboy was still living at home with his parents, so a rendezvous at his place was a bit, well, dicy. And as for JadeMistress, sure she owned her own home, but she lived halfway across the country. Worse yet, g33kboy hadn't managed to save enough from his job as assistant burger-flipper to be able to afford airfare. So, the round-trip airline ticket that JM sent was a very welcome surprise indeed.

Coming in for a landing at the airport. All through the flight g33kboy had been sweating bullets. Sweating howitzer shells, actually. He had blown his cookies into the oh-so-thoughtfully provided barfbag. Here he was coming to meet the woman who would open up to him the gates of sex and love, her own gate, in fact... and he didn't know if he could pull it off. What if he blew it? What if she didn't care for his looks? What if he had bad breath? What if he suddenly broke out in zits? What if he couldn't get it up? What if... ?

The plane slowly taxied up to the gate. It was taking forever. He clutched the pitiful little bouquet of wildflowers in his hand. They were starting to look as wilted as he felt.

He glanced around the arrival lounge. There must be thousands of people here waiting for friends and relatives and loved ones. Half the friggin city must be here. Where the bloody hell was she?

Over there! Someone was was holding up a hand-lettered sign with "g33kboy" on it. He pushed through the crowd and waved. No! It couldn't be! There had to be some mistake.

It was an old lady holding the sign. Of course! It was her mother or auntie. For whatever reason, JadeMistress had sent someone else to meet him.

"Scuse me, ma'am. I'm here for JadeMistress. I'm g33kboy."

The woman gave him an odd smile. She had gold front teeth. "Pleased to meet you. I'm JadeMistress. Welcome." She held open her arms as if to embrace him.

He recoiled. "Wait just a minute, lady. This here ain't quite what I was led to believe. You're old enough to be my... "

"Old enough to teach you a thing or two, young fellow. I'm a sixty-seven-year-old grannie, all right. But maybe that's not quite what you bargained for." She chuckled, then lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "But I've got what you need... the sacred gate between my legs. Still quite functional, too. And I can initiate you into the Mysteries. That's what you're after, right?"

He shrugged and hesitantly put his arms around her.

Later that evening g33kboy was beginning to accept the situation. He felt quite comfortable in Jade's presence. She had treated him to an expensive restaurant meal, then taken him home. He felt totally "at home" in her home.

They sat facing each other across an elegant glass-topped table. Mahogany with ivory intaglios, she had said. Sure beat the hell out of his parents' formica dining set. Expensive. This dame reeked of money.

They sat and talked. Face to face it was somehow easier to talk about life and hopes and dreams than electronically. It was harder to lie, or even hold back truth. It gradually dawned on g33kboy that he could really get to like this woman.

The bed in guest bedroom was both comfortable and comforting. He sank deeply into its plushness and it immersed him in a blanket of sleep.

He awoke to a soft knock on the door. It was dark. Still night.

"Jade? Izzat you?"

"May I come in?"

"Yeah, I guess."

She walked in and sat at the foot of the bed. He snapped on the headboard lamp.

She was wearing a light robe that didn't conceal much. For an old bag, she certainly was well-preserved. In fact, she had a pretty decent bod. This might yet work out. Between his legs, something was stirring.

"Forgive me for disturbing your sleep. I apologize for intruding on your privacy, g33kboy. We've managed to build a bond of friendship and trust between us, and here I am imposing upon that. But I just had to -- had to be with you. Could you... would you put up with me for a little while?"

"I'm glad you're here, Jade. Move on over. Set your sweet patoot down beside me. Lemme... uh, let me find comfort in your gentle arms. Wilt thou grant me the favor of thy sweet lips?"

(Later on, g33kboy wondered where all that stuff had come from. Maybe from his eleventh grade English Lit class, or, more likely, from sneaking looks at his sister's bodice rippers.)

They embraced. Her body was warm and soft, and didn't feel the least bit withered or dried out. She kissed him, and that was the last thing he remembered.

The morning light slanting through the mini-blinds woke him. He was alone in the bed and still in his underwear. So, nothing had happened last night. Nothing much, except falling asleep in the arms of a woman. A woman he was starting to get some weird feelings for.