Chapter 3

My bedroom was on the second floor. I had a burning in my throat and my eyes were filled with tears, but I was able to make it upstairs, close the door and fall on my bed before I started crying.

What the hell was wrong with me. I'd deserted my sister, the helpless girl I'd sworn to protect so many years ago. She'd had to get by without me to take care of her and now she was going to throw her life away if she hadn't already.

The feeling of loss was devastating. Not having Les was like having a chunk of my heart torn out. And it was nobody's fault but mine. I was the one who put being an older kid above protecting her. If I could have changed it all I would have done it in a second. But she was gone. I'd pushed her away.

I felt helpless. I hadn't cried since I was about five years old. I never cried with such despair. It was like my life was ruined and I was only now seeing it. Thank God there wasn't anyone around to see me. I don't think I could have stopped myself if there had been.

I must have cried myself to sleep. I woke up about three hours later. I was still groggy, not having slept long enough to have done any good. I felt emotionally drained.

The house was quiet as I walked down the stairs headed for the kitchen. She was laying on the kitchen table, reading some magazine, wearing her blue and gold cheerleader's uniform. Her legs weren't long enough to reach the floor and her right foot was swinging a little bit.

So I raped my sister.