Copyright© 2003 by Kien Reti

That's right, I collect asses. Women's asses, of course. I'm as straight as they come, and I'll knock you right on your ass if you suggest otherwise.

After two years, there are eight items in my collection. Each exhibit consists of a photo album rubber-banded together with a spiral notebook. The albums hold the pictures -- the shots of the women bent over, their bare asses revealed in all their glory. The notebooks contain the case notes: the physical descriptions of the exterior ass architecture and the intimate details of interior of same and, of course, a detailed recapitulation and analysis of the lovemaking.

I've been thinking about computerizing -- using a digital camera and recording pix and notes on CDRs. Maintaining a home darkroom and writing everything down by hand is getting to be too much of a pain in the butt.

Much more valuable than the pictures and notes is the knowledge base I'm building up in pursuit of my little hobby-obsession.

Women have three basic ass types: pear, apple, and box. Pear shaped is the most esthetically pleasing, of course, but you can't be too choosy if you're looking for willing women. Willing to be added to your collection, I mean.

Mushrooms. Ass collectors treasure mushrooms. Not the kind that you find on pizza, though.

The woman lowers her skirt or pants, along with undergarments, just enough to expose the entire buttocks. She bends forward from the waist to nearly a right angle. The waistband tightens and constricts the flesh at the back of the upper thighs, accenting the protrusion of the butt. If you imagine the legs as the stem, then the ass cheeks, viewed straight on, resemble nothing so much as the button of a huge, plump champignon mushroom.

At the yearly get-togethers, our little community trades mushroom photos. Oh, we carefully preserve the anonymity of the women involved. The faces don't show, and it's considered bad form to name names. Mushrooms don't have faces and names. Just those enticing round buttons.

The interior attributes of a woman's ass determine how much pleasure it can yield.

The shape and appearance of the outer sphincter give a preview of what the overall experience will be like. A round or symmetrically oval rosebud ringed in pleasingly red-tinged brown indicates a healthy colon. In any case, examining the gateway to the rectum certainly contributes to the viewing pleasure prior to actual penetration.

The muscle tone of the two spincter rings is critical. Conscious sphincter control can facilitate entry of the penis and enhance the pleasure of both partners by squeezing and clamping down at critical moments.

The degree of rectal tightness influences the intensity of sensation. Some prefer a snug fit, while others appreciate the freedom of movement that a stretched and loosened rectum gives.

There can be some variation in the texture of the intestinal wall. Ribbed or smooth -- each has its characteristic pleasures.

The temperature of the rectal chamber varies from person to person. Some women have a surprisingly high level of body heat inside, and this makes the sex hotter, both figuratively and literally. Others are cold inside, a pretty reliable indicator that they are cold-blooded, both physically and emotionally.

The depth of the rectum is an important consideration. A short rectum may be necessitate changing the angle of entry to avoid discomfort to both parties.

In Real Life, I'm actually quite shy. Oh, I can hold up my end of a conversation with a woman once I've gotten to know her, but the skill of picking up a stranger is totally beyond me. I mostly rely on personal ads to meet women. This dispenses with much of the get-acquainted dance and also has the advantage of winnowing out women not interested in that activity so dear to my heart.

Fortunately, I'm a wordsmith of sorts. My ads avoid the sleazy and commonplace, such as "Greek language lessons." Instead, I appeal to the reader's sense of adventure and poetic inclinations.

Wanted: A special woman for a special kind of love. Come, let's sail the Windward Passage together.

There seem to be quite a number of woman who leave their Windward Passage open to navigation. I've met a few in my time.

Lubrication and sphincter relaxation are the keys to successful anal pleasure. A recommended lube is "XE-41 Industrial Strength Recreational Lubricant," available at finer sex shops in your neighborhood. Relaxation is mostly a state of mind, but there exist helpful little techniques, such as having the passive partner gently press out at the moment of penetration. Prior insertion of a well-lubricated finger or two may also be indicated.

Some women have a trigger point just below the lowest vertebra, the tailbone. A gentle massage on this may cause the anal sphincter to dilate spontaneously.

My inflexible rule is to break off with a woman immediately after getting what I want. What I want are the photos, especially the prized "mushroom" shots, and an absolute maximum of five acts of backdoor love. Then, on to the next. This avoids emotional attachment and the sorts of messy entanglements that lead to possessiveness, jealousy, or even, horror of horrors, a long-term relationship.

So, what do the women get out of all this? Why their own physical satisfaction, of course. I pride myself at my skill in bringing my partners to peak ecstasy in intimate moments. And, women are delighted to discover how much more volcanic an anal orgasm is than the more prosaic vaginal or clitoral variants.