Chapter 12

The doubts returned when I awoke. Did yesterday really happen? Was it real? Had the women really found me attractive enough to sleep with, or were they just acting?

I couldn't tell about the last one. I knew that any decent courtesan was capable of good acting, and they could have certainly faked part of their reactions before and during the orgy. Maybe despite my protestations, they had fucked me as a favor to Tamara. Or Summer. Maybe they considered me ugly, but as 'professionals, ' were able to hide that and fuck me anyway.

But they did fuck me. I didn't pay them, I didn't coerce them, and they didn't do it because they were drunk or trying to win a bet. Well, maybe Summer was trying to win a bet, but that was different. The women had certainly had a chance to walk away, like Bambi had done.

It was hard to think about. I desperately wanted to believe that it had all been real, despite the voice inside telling me that the women had been faking and it was all a sham. Thirty years of telling myself I was ugly, stacked up against one incredible experience. Why should a single experience win out?

Except it wasn't a single experience. Angie hadn't been involved in this at all and she'd found me attractive. I could rationalize that away, since she seemed to idealize men. But still...

I missed Angie. Yesterday had been incredible, but it felt, well, temporary. Unsustainable. Even if I could afford it, I couldn't live in the brothel, having such orgies every day. It wouldn't be enough. Being with Angie had felt deeper, more sustaining. It was lovemaking, not sex for fun.

Love. Funny word. I wondered if I really knew what it meant.

My mind meandered back through the orgy and I remembered Sherri stroking my scars, and then Rochelle playing with them. I realized that Angie had never appeared to even notice my scars. Could she even fathom how ugly they were? Maybe she really had idealized me, being all too willing to overlook my flaws. I didn't know if she still saw me as ideal now that she knew I was human.

Human. Did Billy just see me as human? He was much harder to second guess or explain away. He was too young to lie or act well. I couldn't imagine any motives for him to do so even if he could. And Billy saw me as a hero.

Maybe I was. And if I wasn't, maybe I could be one.

Regardless, I needed to get out of bed. I was flying back to Denver in the afternoon and I wasn't quite ready to return to my life. I grabbed a t-shirt and some boxers and went in search of my host.

I found Summer in the kitchen, drinking coffee and going through some magazines. She was nude and nonchalant.

"Do you ever wear clothes?" I asked as I filled my own mug.

Summer grinned at me. "Only when I have to. Or when I'm trying to seduce someone, since stripping can be so sexy." She gave a lascivious grin and licked her lips.

"Whew!" I teased. "I guess that means I'm safe from being seduced, since you're already nude!"

Summer gave me a playful swat with her magazine.

"No way are you safe, boy. Not after last night!"

"You liked?" I kept my face as deadpan as I could manage.

Summer snorted. "Boy are you clueless, John," she teased. "Most guys would have figured out I was having a good time by my third or fourth orgasm."

"Yeah, the orgasms were a clue," I shot back. "But I was just making sure. Customer satisfaction is important, after all."

Summer laughed again. I took a moment to admire her breasts bounce as she chuckled. This was something I could definitely get used to.

"So what would you like to do today?" she asked, a little more seriously.

"Actually, I'd like to talk to Tamara. I was hoping I could borrow your Jeep and go see her for lunch."

Summer nodded.

"Be back by four. That'll give us enough time to get you to the airport for your flight."

"No problem," I answered.

Summer indicated where her keys were. A little while later, showered, shaved, and dressed, I was once again headed to KitKat Lane.

I'd forgotten to call ahead and so had to hang out in the parlor while the house mom fetched Tamara. Once again, the ladies present didn't pay me more than minimal attention once they realized I wasn't a potential client. No one stared and no one avoided me. The lack of attention, positive or negative, was a little startling.

Tamara gave me a huge hug when she arrived in the parlor.

"Good to see you, John! What brings you here?"

"Can we talk? Somewhere privately?"

"Sure. Want to come back to my room?"

I nodded and followed her down the hall. For the first time, Tamara's room was a little bit of a mess. Last night's clothes hadn't yet been put away and a textbook and several folders lay open on the desk. I sat down on the bed and Tamara joined me.

"Yesterday I asked you why you'd arranged the orgy for me." I asked. "You said it was because of Billy. What did you mean?"

"Billy's my life, John. I've told you that," Tamara began. Then she paused for a moment.

"You said that yesterday, but that it would take a while to explain," I interjected.

"That true," she replied. "Can I start at the beginning?"

"Sure."

Tamara smiled and took a deep breath before starting.

"I wouldn't be working here if it weren't for Billy. I could be living in a small apartment with three other students, eating ramen noodles and working thirty hours a week at some minimum wage job. I could get through school that way. But this way I have a house and Billy can go to a good school. I can feed him and clothe him and even get him some toys from time to time. I'm home for him regularly and when I'm not, he's with family and not stuck in some day care or after school program somewhere. Yes, I like the sex, but I do this work for Billy.

"Billy has Down's, John. He's never going to be an engineer or a doctor. Sure, he's very creative, but how is he going to support himself? I want him to live a normal life. I don't want him institutionalized or spending the rest of his life living with his mother.

"And part of living a normal life is dating. Right now he's ten, and if he's gotten interested in girls, he hasn't said anything to me."

"Not to me either," I said.

"So when he does get interested in girls, and he gets rejected because of his Down's, what do I tell him? How do I tell him it'll be all right? Why should he believe his mother?" She turned to me, a fierceness in her eyes. A mama bear fierceness I'd seen before.

"That's where you come in, John. If things come out all right for you, why shouldn't he believe me? In fact, I probably don't even have to say anything. You're his friend now, and he'll see that on his own."

"So you're doing this so I'll be a role model for Billy," I stated.

"That was what I had in mind back in September," she said. "And it was your idea. You'd spend time with Billy as his friend and I'd help you get comfortable around women."

"Well, you've certainly kept your end of the deal," I remarked, a little bitter.

"It's more than just a deal now, John. You've become more than a role model for Billy; you've become his friend. You're my friend too. I want my friends to be happy." She'd caught my tone and I could see the nervousness in her eyes.

I reluctantly nodded. "It's still pretty cold, though. I wish you'd done it just for me."

Tamara sighed.

"Sometimes people do things for more than one reason, John. Sometimes some of those reasons are selfish. That doesn't mean that the other reasons aren't valid too."

"Yeah?"

Tamara snorted. "You're just as guilty of mixed motives as anyone else, John. Our original deal was your idea, and I doubt you made it solely with Billy's welfare in mind."

I stared down at my shoes, a little embarrassed. Then she drove it home.

"If I weren't a physically beautiful woman you were hoping to sleep with again, would you have even bothered with Billy?"

That was too much! I stood up and strode toward the door, before remembering I wasn't supposed to be in the brothel halls alone without an escort. I turned and glared at Tamara. Tamara's face softened into sadness.

"I'm sorry, John." Tamara bit her lip, then continued.

"I thought you'd like the orgy. Most guys would have loved it. I thought it would be a fun way to help you realize that you're really not as unattractive as you think. That's why I only invited women who'd spent some time talking with you the night before. I wanted women that had gotten to know you at least a little as a person."

"Wait a minute. You didn't arrange things with the women ahead of time?"

"No. Other than Summer, of course." Tamara looked at me, confused. "You were there when I suggested the orgy."

"I ... but ... you mean..." Words weren't quite coming together coherently for me.

"I was relieved that Bambi was the only one that walked out," Tamara continued. "And Sherri ... when she walked up to you, the look on your face was priceless." She gave me a small grin with that last sentence.

I just stared at her, open mouthed. "You all weren't acting?"

"Why should we? Besides, you know me well enough to know if I was acting or not."

I just stared at her as that sank in. I pulled the chair out of her desk and sat down.

"It was real," I muttered.

"Of course it was real."

I shook my head and looked at her.

"Look, I admit that I wish you had done it just for me, without any mixed motives or deals. I would like to believe that we have a real friendship and not just a deal between us."

"Then let's drop the deal."

Startled, I lost my train of thought.

"No more deal," Tamara continued. "I'll only do things for you because I want to and you only do things for Billy and me because you want to."

"Can I still come over on Thursdays?"

"Of course you can! But as a friend. Just as a friend."

I nodded in reply. We sat for a moment and then Tamara motioned to the bed beside her.

"How about a hug for a friend?"

"Sure," I replied. I got up and then sat next to her. She embraced me, and we held each other for quite some time.

"Look, I'm sorry for doubting you," I finally said.

"That's okay, John. I'm sorry for sending you the mixed message about why I was doing it."

"That's okay. I know that Billy comes first in your life. And I can see how helping me also helps him."

"I'm glad you can. But still, I should do something special for you sometime. Just for you."

"I'd like that."

Tamara just smiled at me in reply.

"Speaking of doing something special," I continued, "how about if I take you to lunch?"

"Sure! I'll talk to Marvin."

With that, we disentangled and she went to get permission to have an outdate. Marvin was once again very understanding and I was able to take her to a steak and seafood restaurant in Carson City. We talked and laughed and discussed menus for future Thursday evenings. I caught myself smiling more than I'd ever expected.

After I returned Tamara to the brothel, I decided to not head directly back to Summer's. Since I had a couple of hours, I drove up to Lake Tahoe and found a place I could sit on the shore. There, contemplating the clear deep water, I thought about everything that had happened during the trip. I still wanted to doubt what had happened, but the side of me that wanted to believe was stronger than before. I probably still had a long way to go, but there was hope now. I liked having that hope.

Eventually it was time to leave. Summer drove me to the airport. Just outside of security, she stopped and hugged me. We finished the hug with a friendly kiss.

"Thanks for coming out, John." she said, smiling.

"Thanks for having me!"

"You're welcome. You're also welcome to come back anytime." Summer got an impish look in her eyes.

"You're also welcome in my bed, as long as you're single," she teased. "Or if you're not single, you're welcome if your girlfriend doesn't mind."

I laughed in disbelief.

"You're assuming I'll have a girlfriend."

"You will," she stated firmly.

"Really? You interested?" I teased back.

Summer caught my tone and realized I wasn't serious. She looked up toward the ceiling, as if seriously considering my offer. Then she turned and smiled at me.

"Nah. It'd be fun but I don't do monogamy very well. You'd get jealous of me sleeping with other men."

I nodded. Maybe not jealous, but it would definitely feed my insecurities.

"Well, then you'll just have to come out to Colorado and fuck me silly from time to time," I said in mock seriousness.

Summer laughed.

"I'll be out for Tamara's graduation in May. If you're still single then, you're on!"

We smiled at each other for a while. Then Summer gave me another hug and another quick kiss. We said our final goodbyes and I got in line to be x-rayed and otherwise inspected by airport security. It was with a mixture of elation and sadness that I finally headed home.

That mixture continued for the next several days. Work seemed boring and my house drab by comparison to my memories of Nevada. Yet it also felt comforting, reassuring really. Like it was familiar enough for me to catch my breath.

I noticed the biggest change almost a week later. My stomach no longer tightened when I looked in the bathroom mirror to shave. That was a pleasant surprise.

I received another pleasant surprise when the phone rang that evening.

"John? This is Barb, Lynn's classmate. You came to the Christmas party at my house."

"I remember. What's up?"

"Well, I'm having another party this Saturday and was hoping you'd come."

That surprised me, but I realized I was flattered.

"Sure! What's the occasion?"

"Surviving midterms! I figured it was better to throw a pre-graduation party now than compete with everyone else's parties in May."

I chuckled in appreciation of her logic. "I've invited Lynn and you'll know some of the people from Christmas. Will you come?"

"I'll be there!" I replied.

She gave me the logistics information and we hung up before the questions kicked in. How did she get my phone number? And why was she inviting me directly instead of asking Lynn to invite me?