One night. One. Fucking. Night. That’s all I want. That’s all I’m asking for. Why is it that it’s too much to ask for one night of peace and quiet? Why is it not common sense for parties to at the very least be scarce and on weekends at, like, 2pm? Is it really necessary to have one damn near every fucking night? People have work in the morning, you inconsiderate bitches! And who decides to party on Tuesday? How desperate does someone need to be to throw a party? It makes no sense.

And it’s always the same culprits. Riley’s always bringing people over, Drew’s always in charge of the music and volume, and they’re both complete pains in the ass about it whenever I say something about it. But the most frustrating thing is that because of the surprising lack of any rules when it comes to noise, the HOA’s hands are tied. Now I hate them even more for making me turn to them.

The party goes on and on until the usual 5am. After the sounds of the blaring music dies down, I remove the pillow from my face, still disappointed that it didn’t kill me. Well, I’ve got thirty minutes before I gotta get ready for work, so I might as well make every minute count. But before I can even shut my eyes, I hear a knock on my door. Because of course I can’t get thirty minutes of silence.

I get out of bed and make my way over to the door, looking through the peephole. There’s three people standing outside. I don’t know a single one of them. They look extremely exhausted. Were they at the party? I crack open the door and the guy in the middle drunkenly says,

“H-hey, dude, listen ... We’re completely out of it and we can’t drive because we’re out of it and we’re drunk, so we’re out of it.”

The girl on the right chuckles before holding up two fingers and saying,

“Y-you said that like five times, dude.” They all then burst out in laughter.

“Well, glad to hear it,” I say, “You should check with Riley and Drew for coffee or something. Good night.”

I then try to shut the door, but the guy stops me, saying,

“Wait, hang on, dude. Hang on. Ha-hang on, man. Hang on. Driley and Rew have a rule about staying over. And they said you wouldn’t mind if we crashed he-”

I shut the door right in their faces before he can finish his sentence. Who the hell do they think they are?! How void of human decency must one be to actively invite someone to someone else’s house?! How is it possible for two people to be so shameless? It makes no sense.

I storm back into my room, absolutely fuming as the three dumbasses practically bang on my door. It’s times like these where I really wish I invested in those sprinklers. I shut the door and lay in bed, covering my head in an attempt to drown out the sound of their constant begging, but my attempt was for naught. These are some persistent drunks. Eventually, they either give up or pass out right then and there. Don’t know, don’t care. I just need to get to sleep while I can.

And of course, my alarm goes off right now. Fuck. My. Life. You know what? I can’t work like this. I just can’t. I’ll just call in sick. Or I can call Sage and just ask him to cover me. He’s the only one who’ll understand my position. I pick up my phone and dial Sage’s number, waiting for him to pick up.

“Hey, what’s up, Cam?” he says after answering,

“Oh, thank God you’re in,” I reply, “Listen, I’ve got a 24 on my hands?”

“Oh, damn, not a 24.”

“Yup. Not an ounce.”

“Twice?”

“Twice.”

“Shit. Well, today’s pretty chill. Someone’s bound to come in and I’ll let people know of your suspicions of heart murmurs. You know where to go from there.”

“Thanks a bunch. You’re the best.”

“Not a problem. Just get your rest. Don’t need you dying on us. That’s too much paper work.”

“Fuck you, too, Sage.”

“Alright, take care.”

“Bye.”

I hang up the phone and lie in bed. I’m so damn lucky I’ve got someone at work who knows my pain. Our code words desperately need work, though. But for now, I just need my sleep. I put my phone down and settle in my bed. I close my eyes and let nature take its course.

Then, I’m immediately disrupted by Drew’s fucking Harley revving up outside. Oh my God. I’m gonna kill them. I’m gonna kill both of them. I’m gonna rip their fucking heads off and send them to their families so they can eat them for desert. This is too damn ridiculous.

I get out of my bed again and walk out the door, finding the three drunken douchebags passed out on my lawn. I’ll deal with them later. I turn my attention to Drew, who’s still revving up his Harley, having the time of his life and Riley, who’s standing next to him, wearing her black see-through robe. I swear, they have no home training. I make my way to them, shouting at the top of my lungs,

“HEY! WHAT THE HELL, MAN?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! I’M TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP, YOU SELFISH DICKHEAD!!!”

He stops revving and turns to me, smirking as he tilts his sunglasses down.

“Listen, dude,” he starts, “I don’t know what your problem is, but it can be solved very easily.”

“I’m not buying a new place just because you have no sense.”

“Well, sucks to be you, bro. If you don’t wanna do that, then you might as well stop bitching about it. I mean, we’re not gonna stop living our lives. And if you’re bothered by that, then that just sounds like a you problem.”

He then leans over to Riley, giving her a kiss before saying,

“Aright, I’m off, babe. Keep that smokin’ body ready for me.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that,” she replies in a sultry tone, “I’ll send you pictures of how ready I am for you, so you can be ready for me.”

They laugh before sharing another kiss. He then starts revving again, screaming with joy before finally peeling off. God, I hate these two. What do I need to do to get them away from me? I groan in frustration, turning to go back inside.

“Oh, hang on,” Riley says, grabbing my attention,

“What?” I respond,

“Come on. You’re gonna take pictures of me to send to him.”

“Yeah. Sure. I’ll get right on that right after I vomit frogs.”

“Oh, that’s cute. You think you have a choice in the matter. No, you’re gonna take pictures of me.”

“What makes you so sure of th-”

“Your other option is my boyfriend coming to kick your ass because you hit me. Now, let’s try this again. Come on. You’re gonna take pictures of me to send to him.”

You conniving, diabolical, trashy bitch! I really couldn’t give less of a shit if her boyfriend shows up and attempts to throw a few punches. The jerk’s a fucking twig. I can knock him out in five seconds flat. I just don’t wanna have that on my record, risk a few month in jail, and potentially lose my job over some subpar pictures.

“I need an answer,” she taunts,

“Fine,” I say under my breath,

“What was that?”

“I said I’ll take your damn pictures!”

“That’s what I thought.”

She giggles before heading to her house with me following behind. As I’m walking behind her, I can’t help but notice her practically exposed body through her robe. She’s not even wearing any underwear. And it’s at this point that I’m conflicted. On one hand, I REEEALLY hate these fucking cunts. But on the other, this could be their way of repaying me for their constant need to be complete douchebags. I mean, it’s not every day that a somewhat cute woman invites you over to her house to take nude photos of her. Maybe this won’t be so bad.

As we step in their house, I immediately notice the absolute messy state that it’s been left in. Jesus Christ, do they not know what a broom is? There’s cups and grease stained plastic plates everywhere, clothes all over, beer bottles, the fridge is open, there’s tables that are either badly damaged or completely broken in half, and it fucking reeks.

“Jeez, would it kill you to invest in hot water and a mop?” I question as I take in the disastrous sight of their “home”.

She turns to me and says in a patronizing tone,

“I don’t know, would it kill you to not bitch about every little thing we do?”

I hate this bitch so fucking much. She leads me up the stairs and walks down the hall to what I’m assuming is their room. Once inside, I inhale to get that rancid smell of beer, feet, and food out of my nostrils. At least their room is somewhat decent. I can actually breathe in here.

“Alright,” she starts, getting on the bed and tossing me her phone, “Drew is the type who likes to perform in front of other men. And with you taking photos, it’ll really get him going. So play your cards right and you might get to watch us. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get to film it. Unless, of course, you’re gonna be a big baby about that, too.”

“Oh, lucky me,” I reply in a sarcastic tone, “I’ll have to clear my schedule. I didn’t expect to be presented with such an intriguing offer.”

“Pretend all you want. I know that you really wanna be here to witness something you’ll never experience in your worthless life. You can add it to your ocean of porn collections or something.”

How is it that someone’s head can be shoved that far up their own ass? She maneuvers to the headboard of the bed before untying her robe. She then grabs both ends of it with both of her hands before signaling to me to take a shot as she gets in a seductive pose. I roll my eyes before swiping the camera icon and pointing it at her. I take a couple of shots and she gets in another position, opening the bottom half of her robe, leaving her chest “covered” and her legs closed. I take a few more shots and once again, she repositions.

Shot after shot, I can’t help but notice how good she is at posing. Her body’s just perfect. And those looks she’s giving are really taking effect. It doesn’t take long before she advances to fully exposing her bare chest and pussy. It just makes no sense. How the hell does a dumbass like Drew end up with a girl like this? And why the hell did a girl who looks like this have to end up being such a bitch? It just isn’t right. There has to be a point where things get set straight.

“Hey,” I hear, snapping me out of my thoughts, “I didn’t say stop. Don’t make me make the call. Cause Drew will be here in the snap of a finger.”

Everything she’s saying to me is pissing me off. Every word that comes out of her mouth is driving me closer to the brink of insanity. I should be at work right now. I should be sleeping right now. No. I should’ve been sleeping fifteen hours ago, so I can prepare for work and earn my fucking money! But no. I’m here doing a favor for someone I want dead. And I’m not even getting direct compensation for it. Just looking at her body isn’t enough.

“Hello?” she continues, “Anybody home? I said we’ve still got photos to take. So take the cotton out of your ears and keep snapping pics or else!”

Well, that changes right the fuck now. If no one else is gonna make these son of a bitches see the error of their ways, and if they wanna stay blind to the fact that everything doesn’t revolve around them, then I’m gonna have to step in.

“Ok,” she says, stepping out of the bed, “You’ve left me no choice. Give me the phone.”

She steps towards me, holding out her hand, but I keep the phone in my hand. She furrows her eyes before taking another step and saying,

“Give it.”

I bring my hand back and say,

“No, I don’t think I will.”

She glares at me, reaching for it and saying,

“I said give it to me, you fucking loser!”

I bring the phone above my head, keeping it out of her reach. Now, I’ve experienced bullies throughout my entire life. I’ve been bullied, friends of mine have been bullied, I’ve even seen completely innocent bystanders experience the cruel actions of bullies. With every interaction I’ve had with various bully tactics, one thing I’ve always hated was this maneuver that I’m doing right now ... That is until right now as I look at this naked tiny lady, who just stands above my waist, jumping up and down as she tries reaching for her phone. And I have the right to not feel bad. She’s an asshole, so I should get a pass for enjoying it.

“Give it to me, you fucking jerk!” she screams, “You think this is fucking funny?!”

“Oh, this is absolutely hilarious,” I reply, giving her the most genuine grin I can muster, “And if you really want me to give it to you, I’m more than happy to accommodate you.”