“Balast,” Todd exclaimed.

“What? Balance?” Tess asked.

“No. Balast. I’m working a crossword and that’s six across.”

“Oh, I thought you said ‘balance.’”

“‘Balance’ has seven letters. It wouldn’t fit.”

“Too bad,” Tess said. “You couldn’t just sort of squeeze it in?”

“You’re too funny,” Todd said.

“I am,” Tess averred. “And I also have good balance.”

“You do?”

“You ever tried walking in high heels while wearing a tight dress?”

“Uh, no.”

“While carrying a cup of steaming hot tea in Grandma’s prized china? First picking it up off the saucer on the floor, then carrying it twice around the living room, then placing it back in the saucer on the floor? And wiggling your hips while you walk?”

“I like the wiggling hips part.”

“Ah, Todd, I knew you would.”

“So you want me to heat up some water for tea?”

“No thanks. I’ve had a couple of cups already. One more and I’ll probably pee through the roof.”

“Okay, no tea,” said Todd. “So for the balance test, all you have to do is stand on one leg for one minute. Wearing the high heels and that dress, of course.”

“I can do that,” Tess declared.

“While wearing a pair of handcuffs.”

“Ha!” snorted Tess. “Too bad we don’t have any handcuffs.”

“But we do,” Todd said.

“Right,” said Tess. “Handcuffs, tight dress, high heels, stand on one foot. Anything else?”

“Yeah, you’ve got to pee. Not necessarily through the roof. Onto the floor would be sufficient. Just to prove there’s no reversal of gravity or anything like that going on.”

“And what if I slipped and fell?”

“I guess that would prove that gravity is still in effect. But I’d clean you up.”

“You would? My wet pussy and everything?”

“Yes, your wet pussy and everything.”

“That’s very kind of you.”

“Tess, darling, you’re not thinking of slipping on purpose, just so I would clean up your pussy?”

“There’s no need.”

“No? Because you don’t plan on slipping?”

“No. Because ballast has seven letters, just like balance. Now lie down on the rug like a good boy so I can test your ballast.”