Chapter 1

What a task for the first day of our holidays, tonight we are leaving for our family holiday in France; I am writing the cheque for the headstone on my wife's grave. She died 6 months ago, leaving me to bring up our 11-year-old daughter alone. It had been a terrible start to the year. My wife saw the New Year arrive in hospital; then I was called in to see the social worker. They told me that my wife had walked in front of a lorry. They didn't think it was suicide as there was no note, but for it to occur outside the psychiatric hospital where she was a voluntary patient was possibly indicative of suicide. She had left me to tell Trudy of her death, left me to tell our daughter that her mum had gone and left us, that mum wouldn't be coming home. The first job was the worst. I had to go into school and have them bring Trudy out of lessons to the heads office and then to explain that she would not be seeing her mum again.

Now I was paying for that last memorial. We were going on holiday tonight. We were driving to Plymouth to catch the Saturday morning sailing to Roscoff. We had been due to leave in mid August as usual but I asked the campsite if we could change the date so that the holiday would start with excitement so the memories of Sue's death could be overlaid by the holiday. The owner was devastated by my news, as she had liked my wife.

"Of course you can come at the end of July David, will you want a different emplacement so that you are not troubled by thoughts?" I knew she meant memories but I made allowances for the fact that English was her third language.

"Thank you that would be most kind. I had talked with Trudy about changing the campsite but she wanted to go back to your site."

"Of course monsieur I will change your booking at once"

I was picking Trudy up from school this afternoon. The last day at her primary school, 18th July 2003, she would be going to senior school in September. I drove to the village centre car park and walked through to the undertakers and paid the cheque for the headstone, and then I went to the bank to collect the Euros I had ordered. I went home and put them into the holiday folder. I wept as I discovered my wife's passport. I took out the permanent marker and destroyed it. Marking the pages deceased cutting through the protection on pages with details and pictures. I put it in an envelope and left it out to take to the post office when I went to pick up Trudy.

There was a sense of finality to it. Over the last 7 months I had been clearing the house of her. Her clothes. All had gone to the charity shops. Her books, those that I didn't want went to the charity shop. The make up from the dressing table. There had been a major clearing out of my life. I drove to the storage compound and hitched up the caravan to bring it home. I had to pack it for tonight. I backed the caravan onto the drive and opened the caravan door then opened all the windows. I hooked the electricity up to the house supply to pre-cool the fridge. Then I went through all the cupboards. I was surprised how much of Sue's stuff was still there. Clothes, swimming costume, more make up. I bagged it all to sort out when we returned from our holiday and put it in the garage. I brought down Trudy's clothes Her shorts; panties, bras and socks went in the lockers above the rear bed. Her dresses, trousers and t-shirts went in the wardrobe. My shirts and trousers joined hers in the wardrobe. My pants, shorts and socks went into my locker above the front bed. I was surprised at how much room there still was, but then my wife had packed for every eventuality whereas I packed only what was necessary plus a couple of spares. I filled the fridge with frozen milk to keep it cool on the ferry, some butter for use until I could get local butter. Then I added bacon, egg and sausages for the first day and ham for tomorrow's rolls. Then if I didn't get to do the shopping we wouldn't starve. I put some bread rolls in the van for snacks tomorrow, I only wanted a little food as what was the point of taking mass produced food to Brittany, There would be the delights of shopping in the markets. The caravan still looked half empty.

I emptied it further; the reclining chairs and the extra tables we never used. The 6 extra pillows that my wife had used and my sleeping bag were all unloaded I kept Sue's double sleeping bag and Trudy's sleeping bag. I had moved so much gear into the garage that I had room to walk about the caravan. I made up the front bed with Trudy's and my sleeping bags and pillows so when we reached the docks I would be able to put down the steadies and we would be able to settle down to sleep with the minimum of re-arranging. The rear berth had the awning canvas on it. I checked all the items on the checklist, apart from those I decided were not wanted, the water carriers, the wastewater container, the small table and chair set everything was packed away. There was even room to move, to use the sink and the toilet. I closed the windows but left the electricity cable plugged in and switched on.

At last it was time to walk to school to collect my darling daughter. I walked along the footpath and into the village centre. I stopped at the post office to send Sue's passport back to the passport office then I continued on to school. I was standing in the playground as the children came out. The year sixes, my daughter's year, were quite subdued. They were all spreading out to different secondary schools. There were 30 children in her class and Trudy had said that there were 18 different schools they were going to. Many of the year sixes had both parents there for this the last day of primary school. There were only two lone fathers; one was a divorcee and I. Trudy came out and gave me a kiss of greeting and her school bag I slung it over my shoulder whilst she dived back into the throng of friends for one last long farewell. Finally she came back over to me. We walked hand in hand to our home. Me a 31 year old dad getting used to being a single father, in shorts t-shirt and trainers and my 11 year old daughter in a short summer uniform dress, white ankle socks and pink trainers. She skipped along swinging my hand as we went along the footpath to the hamlet we lived in. She was bubbling about going on holiday. We got home and she changed into her sundress, I put the washing machine on with the last load. I sent her out to check that all she needed was packed and to load any toys she wanted. There weren't many to pack her game boy and some books including the latest Harry Potter, The Order of the Phoenix, I was glad to see that one as I would enjoy reading it as well and her favourite doll. She also packed a third pair of trainers and her school shoes.

"I want something to make me look smarter if we go anywhere nice daddy!"

Trudy then changed into her white button through party frock to go to the Pizza hut for her birthday party, several of Trudy's friends were meeting us at the Pizza Hut, as it was her birthday next week and she would be away for it, so this was her birthday tea. There were 9 of us round the table feasting away. The 8 girls were in heaven; the sumptuous flavour of the Pizza's, the healthy eating at the salad bar and the child like delight in the ice cream factory. As much ice cream and toppings as you can eat. Trudy took great delight in feeding me a spoonful of ice cream with chocolate, toffee and strawberry sauces on it, what a mixture. It had been a great success. Her friends had brought her their presents and cards. Make up sets, a new game for her game boy, an outfit for her doll and some books. The friends parents picked up the girls, I settled the bill and we left for home. I stopped at the garage and filled up with diesel and checked the oil and water. We drove home and with Trudy's help, I backed up the drive to the caravan and hooked up. We went in to the house and showered. Trudy changed back into her sundress and trainers and packed her party frock into the caravan. We unhooked the electricity and then set off on the 250-mile journey to the docks. The roads would be busy as it was the start of the school holidays.

Trudy sat beside me in the car, it was a new experience for her, to be going on holiday and sitting next to her dad. Usually she had sat in the back trying to peer round Sue and myself. She had changed into a cotton sundress with ankle socks and trainers when we came back from the Pizza Hut; her legs were now soaking up the rays as the hem of her dress had slid up her thighs. I had to concentrate on my driving, down the M6 and M5 through the very busy holiday traffic. We stopped for a snack at Exeter then continued down to the Plymouth docks. When we arrived it was two in the morning. We got out of the car; I opened the caravan for Trudy to get in as I wound down the corner steadies. Trudy was already in her sleeping bag by the time I got into the caravan. She had slipped off her shoes, socks and the sundress and was lying there in her panties. I slipped off my shoes, socks, shirt and shorts and settled down for the night in my boxers. I had opened the front window so that we would hear the public address system in the morning. Trudy kissed me and cuddled me; I found the points of her little tits most disconcerting as they bored into my chest. Very quickly we were both fast asleep.

We were woken at six by the loudspeaker announcement asking drivers to proceed to the Brittany Ferries desk with their tickets and passports to collect boarding passes. I struggled out of my sleeping bag and dressed. Trudy beat me by a mile and was waiting by the door with keys in hand. I took the ticket folder with me and we went to the desk. Other drivers looked at Trudy, skipping around the terminal, with barely concealed displeasure. They were evidently not early birds like us; they could not stand a bright lively child dancing around at 6 in the morning. We collected our boarding cards then went to the coffee shop and bought our morning coffees, my paper and a magazine for Trudy. We would have breakfast once we were on the ferry. We went back to the car; I raised the corner steadies on the caravan then joined Trudy in the car for our coffee. We were soon moved further into the dock. Trudy had to balance two coffees as I drove. Then we were stationary for a while watching all the activity as lorry tugs unloaded the lorry trailers from the incoming ferry. It seemed an age but in fact was only about 20 minutes until we were directed to start our engine and drive onto the ferry. It was the usual nightmare of parking, as close to the next vehicle as possible guided by the ferry crew. Then it was out of the car, up into the passenger areas of the ferry and along to the bows then up again to the restaurant. We were near the front of the queue and bought the full English breakfast with, as a gesture to the nationality of the ship, a bowl of hot chocolate. By the time we had finished our breakfast we were sailing out past Drakes Island in the middle of Plymouth Sound. We watched the panorama of naval vessels slide past us. We then moved to the lounge where we had booked reclining seats. I dozed on my seat. Trudy kept returning to me after each explorations of the ship. After breakfast had finished being served an entertainer set up in the seating area of the restaurant. Trudy took me along to watch. The entertainer finished just before lunch when the restaurant reopened. We went along to the servery more to pass the time than because we were hungry then at 3 o clock we saw the port of Roscoff appearing in front of us. We went up onto the deck and watched our ship sailing up to the loading ramp. The call for drivers to return to their vehicles was made and so it was back into the ship and down the steep stairs to the car deck. We were third in line and were soon unloaded and driving on "the wrong side of the road" on our way to the campsite at Carentec. Handy for the port of Roscoff and for exploring all of Brittany.

After booking in we drove to our emplacement and reversed the caravan in. Trudy helped me to level the caravan, put down the corner steadies and set up the awning; then she changed into her swimming costume to set off for the swimming pools. I smothered her body in suntan lotion before she left. I finished setting up the van fetching the water and hooking up the electric. Then I changed into my swimming trunks and followed Trudy to the swimming pool. I put my shorts; wallet and caravan key into the locker and put on the locker wristband and key. I heard her voice calling to me from the top of the water slide. I walked round to where she would come out and waited for her to arrive. She came down with a happy scream and a plume of water.

"Come on daddy, come with me."

She grasped my hand and raced me back to the stairs. Up we climbed to the loading platform. The loader sat me down on the platform and swung Trudy between my legs, with a hurried, hold tight, he pushed us off, we shot off down the spiral tube and immediately swung to the right, our bodies riding up the side of the tube, before riding up the opposite direction as we changed direction. Our bodies bounced around then suddenly the light grew brighter and we shot out of the tube in a welter of spray. We were out of the water and I was being dragged round for another ride. Trudy had never really played with me before; it had always been a mother daughter thing. I was quickly realising what I had been missing out on. By the time teatime came I was exhausted. I had lost count of the times I had climbed the tower to the water slide. We walked to the lockers and I opened the one I had rented and got out my shorts, wallet and keys. I put my shorts on then we went to the bar; I bought a light French beer for myself; and a coke for Trudy. We took our drinks through to the barbecue pit and bought burgers. I sat down at one of the tables and after finishing her burger Trudy went off to play with some children. Some couples soon joined me; their children joined Trudy in the playground. We talked about children and the problems they caused. One of the men looked across at me and asked.

"Is your wife not going to be joining us this afternoon David?" I looked across to Jacques, a Frenchman from Paris we met each year as he sat down at the table.

"No, I am afraid she died in an accident in January, so it is just Trudy and myself this year. We have come at the start of the holidays so that I can make them as enjoyable as possible for Trudy." I could see him thinking and then he said.

"You will be here for Trudy's birthday then. Usually you come several weeks later."

"That's right she will be 12 on Monday. I have brought her presents with us, they are hidden in the caravan." We sat and drank slowly all evening, every so often going to the barbecue to get more food. Bottles of wine passed around between us. The women slowly gathered up their children. Jacques wife Maria asked if Trudy would like to sleep over with Gina their daughter.

"Can I daddy, can I?"

"Yes Darling you may, if you and Gina would like to go to our caravan to get some clean clothes and your bedding, then bring the keys back to me, I will see you in the morning." We sat around in the evening sun as it slowly sank in the west. Talking about the past, about Sue's death and how Trudy was handling it. About her birthday on Monday and her new school after the holidays. The lights came on as dusk fell. Madam Charles came out to join us for a glass of wine. She came over to me and kissed me in greeting.

"Such news, such news. I am so sorry about your wife, ou est votre enfant?" Err where is Trudy?"

"She is with Maria and Gina for the night."

"That is good, it gives you a chance to share company with these fine men." We smiled at her description of us, but I knew what she meant, I had very little chance for social contact with adults at home. I was thoroughly enjoying myself putting the world to rights. I went back to my caravan and felt so alone. I had no one to talk with and the wine was making me feel depressed. I slipped into my sleeping bag and cried myself to sleep. When I woke I pulled my shorts on, put the caravan to daytime mode, the sleeping bag and the pillows on the emplacement hedge to air, the seat cushions into their proper places. Then I strolled to the shop for the croissants and baguette for my breakfast. On my return I pulled the chair and small table out into the sun then made my coffee and brought out a book. I was relaxing nicely when Gina and Trudy arrived. I put Trudy's sleeping bag on the hedge to join mine airing in the morning sun.

"Dad, Maria said, if you agreed, I could go with Gina and them today. Can I go?"

" Certainly, if you are sure Jacques and Maria don't mind. I have got to do some shopping this morning before the shops close for the day. I gave Trudy a key to the caravan and some money. Then I pulled on a shirt put my wallet in my pocket then drove around to Jacques caravan with the girls.

"Are you sure you don't mind Trudy coming with you?"

"Of course not, she entertains Gina and that helps to keep us sane." An extra child usually halves the work at this age, as otherwise Gina is always asking why, why, what and why. With Trudy she just carries on."

I told Trudy to be good and then I left for the supermarket. Shopping is so different in France the whole ethos of shopping is different. I slowly go round the aisles. The vegetables have all been harvested within 30 miles of the store. The cheeses are mainly local too. The cooked meats are more varied. I go down to the wine cave an area of aisles devoted to drink. From the cheap Vin de Table to the really expensive vintages. There are none of the labels I would find in the supermarket at home. There is a good selection of wines, all local. I pick out 24 bottles of differing styles and vineyards to try. During the holiday our group of friends will be drinking wine with the aim of making a selection to take home. I have printed tasting sheets so we can mark our choices. At the end of the holiday I will pick up 7 or 8 cases of wine. I load the car with all I had bought then drive to the filling station to fill up with diesel, a lot cheaper than at home, and then drive back to the campsite. I unload all my shopping and arrange the reds in a cool box to keep at a steady temperature and some white and rose wines go in the fridge to chill. I unpack the rest of the food then steadily sort out the caravan making sure everything was in the right place. I look at my watch, lunchtime. I take the cheeses and butter from the fridge and cut chunks off each cheese, the rounds of Brie and Camembert and the blue cheeses. I left them under a muslin cloth while I washed tomatoes, celery and cucumber. I sliced those then cut large chunks of baguette. Then I opened a bottle of red wine and pour a glass. I take them out to the edge of the awning where I am sheltered from the midday sun but still in the open air and sit down and feast. I am joined by some of the couples from last night. Their children are playing with the play leaders. I fetch out more cheese and wine and a plate of the cooked meats. It makes for an enjoyable afternoon. Good food, good wine and even better, good company. Dinnertime is approaching Jacques, Maria, Gina and my Trudy walk up from Jacques emplacement. They had been to the zoo near Quimper. I could see from Trudy's face that she had enjoyed herself. Jacques came across to me.

"Unfortunately Gina was very rude to her Mama today so I am afraid Trudy will not be able to stay with us tonight." I could see Gina was looking rather sheepish. "If I stop her friend coming to stay tonight then She will behave for the rest of the holiday. It is hard on Trudy but what else can I do?"

"Don't worry Jacques, Trudy and I will have a good time tonight and then tomorrow it is her birthday." As everyone left we walked hand in hand along the beach to Carentec, We walked up into the town and found a restaurant. We sat down and began the task of choosing our meal. Because the food was fresh cooked the main course took quite a while to arrive. The soup arrived fairly quickly with a crusty baguette. I cut chunks of the bread and passed some to Trudy. She dug into the soup and bread. Suddenly I heard an excited cry.

"Trudy, Trudy" it is her friends Dominic and Callie with their parents Neill and Jo.

"Can we join you?"

"Of course you can Jo, you are more than welcome, pointing to the seats how did you get here? "We walked along the beach."

"Oh we drove, the children have walked a lot today and their legs are aching!" The waiter came and started to take their orders. I passed Dominic and Callie some bread and they tore into it. I offered them my soup bowl to dip into. They looked a little doubtful and then dipped a corner of the bread into the soup and tasted it. After that there was no stopping them. Neill and Jo look stunned.

"What's wrong?"

"Dominic and Callie don't eat soup at home!"

"Ah well I laughed, this is not soup, this is potage du jour. Ask the waiter for that and see what happens."

Neill laughed and did so. Their soup arrived; Dominic and Callie transferred their attention to their bowls of soup. It was very soon finished. We changed seats so that Trudy was grouped with Dominic and Callie and I was sat with Neill and Jo. We were talking about work and how I was working from home as a teleworker, I had to go into the office once a week. During the Easter holidays Trudy had come to work with me and sat in the canteen and read or played with the children of other teleworkers. When we got back after the holiday the same would happen. Neill was quite envious of the freedom I had. I then explained the downside of the loneliness, and the temptation to overwork. How I had to be very disciplined in how much work I actually did.

Neill and Jo drove us all back to the campsite and stopped for a glass of wine. Trudy, Dominic and Callie played on the playground across from the caravan. At about 10:00 I could see Trudy was flagging so I called her over and told her it was time for bed. She took her towel and nightie across to the shower block for her shower and came back in her little devil nightie. She kissed me goodnight and climbed into her sleeping bag. I came out and only Neill was left. Jo had taken Dominic and Callie back to their caravan for bed. It was only in the next roadway. Jo came back with the radio "baby"alarm so that she could hear any problems. I opened another bottle of wine and some crisps. At about midnight Jo and Neill went back to their caravan. I washed up the glasses and cleared away. I went into the caravan and in the light from the toilet I could see my little daughter sleeping peacefully in the rear berth. Her long blonde hair flowed over the pillow. I undressed and put on my pyjama trousers. I slid into my sleeping bag and left the sides undone, as it was a warm night.

I was asleep in the front berth when I woke and felt a little body slipping into my sleeping bag. Tears were streaming down Trudy's face; I held her tight feeling her sharp little tits against my chest. Slowly the sobs subsided and she was able to tell me what was wrong.

"I miss mummy so much, Gina has her mummy and daddy, Dominic and Callie have their mummy and daddy and I only have a daddy."

"I know darling, it is one of those things, I will try to be your mummy and your daddy."

I gave her a kiss and she slowly drifted back into sleep. I stayed there wide-awake, with a raging hard on. My little daughter was crushed up against me, her growing tits pressed into my bare chest, her thighs around my leg. Slowly my erection subsided and I was able to sleep. I was woken in the morning by a hard kiss on the lips, crushing them against my teeth. Without thinking I pushed my tongue forward into the mouth in front of me. I felt the lips part; the teeth open and my tongue penetrate the warm wet cavern. Our tongues met and played, suddenly I wake fully I am kissing my daughter; I am kissing Trudy. I disengaged my mouth and sat up with just my pyjama trousers on. I looked down and see that Trudy is nude. I reach to the bottom of the bed and pick up her little devil nightie.

"Sit up darling, let me put this on you." She looks as if she is about to refuse but then lifts up her arms and lets me slide her nightie on.

"Morning daddy. Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed I felt very lonely last night. I had been out with Gina's mummy and daddy and I missed mummy."

"I know you do darling I miss mummy too."

"Happy birthday darling" I got out of bed and went to the back bed box and lifted a big bag from it, Trudy's presents. There is the feverish rustle of wrapping paper coming off her presents. There are new clothes, make up, a laptop computer, books. All the presents she wanted. I made us a cup of coffee and got dressed in my shorts and trainers.

"I am just going to get some croissants and baguette for breakfast." I leave the Trudy playing with her new presents in the caravan and walk through the early morning mist in my shorts and flip-flops to the camp shop.

"Bonjour madam Charles"

"Bonjour monsieur"

Je suis desiree quatre croissant et un baguette sil vous plais. My French was not of a very high standard, but Madam Charles appreciated my attempts to speak her language. The rest of the conversation would be in English.

"Monsieur, your daughter has some letters today," she passed me a bundle of envelopes. All addressed to Trudy. Our family and friends had not forgotten her birthday. "It is your little ones birthday isn't it?"

"Yes madam it is"

"Yet you do not look happy. You should be happy today."

"As you know my wife died in February and this is Trudy's first birthday without her mum.

"Ah yes, such a terrible thing to happen." To be left alone at such a tender age without a mother." Bring her up to the restaurant tonight for dinner. I make it special for her."

I go back to our caravan with a lighter heart. I open the door and see that Trudy has dressed and the beds have been put away, the curtains opened and everything set up for the day. There are fresh mugs of coffee, the breadboard and knife, the butter dish and the marmalade waiting ready. The croissants are still warm as I sit down beside my daughter. She has brushed her hair and put a clip in to hold it off her face, her hair reaches down to her waist. She has put on a sundress. I pass her all the birthday cards and as she opens them I cut the baguette. She puts some butter and marmalade on a piece of bread and eats. The croissants we break open and smear marmalade on the white of it. The taste is delectable. Whilst we are eating there are knocks on the open door as her friends come with cards and presents. Trudy is bouncing around this morning. Neill comes up to me and says that they have arranged a sports party for Trudy. On the sports field this morning then back to the club house for lunch and then swimming in the afternoon. We are all meeting at the sports field at 10:00. After her friends leave Trudy goes to the top cupboards and gets out her shorts and t-shirt. She quickly slips her dress off and stands there in her knickers. She pulls her shorts on and then puts her training bra and her t-shirt on. She sits down and puts on her ankle socks and trainers. She goes to the mirror and takes the clip out of her hair then comes to me.

"Can you plait my hair daddy?"

"Of course I will love, stand still."

I comb out the long golden tresses then brush her hair thoroughly before splitting it into three tails; I give each tail a gentle twist and start plaiting the silky blonde hair. I finish it with a butterfly band. She then helps me to clear up our breakfast things and then bounces out of the caravan. Her legs are long, tanned and well defined from her gymnastics at school. I walk up to the sports field, Trudy skipping along beside me full of the joys of life. A different child from last night. She walks besides me for a moment and whispers in my ear.

"Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed last night. I feel much better this morning. Mummy was away a lot wasn't she?"

I sat us down on one of the benches to talk. "Yes she was darling, she had an illness that made her feel that life was terrible, that she was bad. But we know she was good don't we?"

"Yes Daddy she was. She had been in hospital a lot though"

Yes darling. Last year she spent a total of 4 months in hospital and it has been like that since before you started school."

"One good thing though is you were always there to take me to school and pick me up and all my clubs and things. My friends daddies couldn't do that, they are at work"

"Yes, well I work from home and just have to go in once a week, and during holiday time you come with me, don't you?"

"Yes daddy. Come on then lets go and play games." I watched her run ahead of me her legs flashing in the sunlight. We got to the sports field and Jo and Maria were organising the children. They had running races, baseball, soccer and fun games. I sat and watched the children playing. They were all ages from 6 year olds up to 14 year olds. At about 11:30 Neill came along with a cool box of ice- lollies. They went down a storm, there was even one for me. We all went back to the clubhouse. Jacques and Maria were busy at the barbecue cooking lunch. There was a pile of Breton sausages cooking and stacks of baguette, cut into lengths to match the sausages, and then slit. Trudy was the first to be served as the birthday girl. Soon everyone was tucking in, hot dogs, with real sausages, and onions, with a side salad. There was pop for the children and wine for the adults. After we had eaten the kids went to the shade of the trees and rested, some were reading and others were talking. We tidied away and then sat with glasses of wine. Neill and Jacques then took them all swimming. Maria, Jo and I sat and talked. I told them about how Trudy had come into my bed in tears last night and how shocked I was to discover when we woke that she was nude in bed beside me this morning. Jo said to me.