Glenn Quagmire couldn’t believe it. His long lost flame Cheryl Tiegs was back in town. But she had been snagged up by Brian Griffin.

He was in his home huffing and puffing with not a single ‘Giggity giggity’ coming out of his mouth even once. He tried beating off to the sight of Brian and Cheryl making out in that car. But for once good old fashioned sex just didn’t do the trick anymore.

“That bastard!” He hated to admit it, but Brian came to his class looking to learn how to pick up chicks and in the end had become the master by getting the best chick of them all.

But then he remembered. He had an ace up his sleeve. He remembered Brian’s old girlfriend Jillian. Brian had been stewing about her breaking up with him, that was the whole point he had come to his class. And she fit the bill perfectly for his techniques.

He hurried on over to Jillian’s apartment. He knocked on her door. He didn’t even hear her footsteps, he was so excited, and said “Oh yeah, I’m gonna get me some action!” out loud. He started moving his feet up and down in a horny little dance.

Then the door opened up. Jillian looked at him with that same vacant look on her face. Glenn knew how to defuse a situation. “Federal boob inspector!” he said. He was absent-mindedly holding a Snicker’s wrapper he had just eaten out of.

Jillian looked horrified. “Okay sir, please don’t hurt me! I see that you have a warrant!”

“Oh uh...” Glenn looked at the Snicker’s wrapper and smiled. “That’s right, this is an official investigation! So you better let me in or I’ll do it by the book!”

“Okay, okay!” she said, hurriedly letting him in. “Let’s make this investigation go as quickly as possible.” She took her shirt right off.

“Giggity!” Glenn said, looking at her bare tits. Her perky little nipples were standing right up on end. “As part of this official investigation, I must suck and bite all over them!”

“Okay sir! Just please don’t eat them!”

Glenn had to fight the urge to bust out laughing. “Then you better behave yourself. Giggity!” He was licking his lips.

“What’s going on out there anyway? I heard some stomping. Is there an earthquake happening?”

“The only earthquake I want happening is the one in your pants! Giggity!”

“That’s funny! My best friend told me that he feels a quake in his pants happen after he eats a lot and lots of big rocks come out the back!”

Glenn just laughed. “Oh Jillian honey, you’re hilarious! But I think we should get our rocks off together! Nothing coming out the butt! Just going up in all kinds of places! And maybe when we’re done, we can fiddle with the butt too! Giggity!”

“Okay, that sounds fun! I don’t know what geegety is though. Is that the scientific term for poop?”

Oh man, dumb and hot! Glenn thought to himself. I’m gonna get back at Brian so bad!

“Now listen bitch, this is a very serious matter! I must look at each of your breasts and I don’t wanna hear a peep from you!”

“Yessir!”

He took each of her tits into his mouth turn by turn. He was quick and vicious from the start, licking all over them. Her nipples were so big and hot on his tongue from the start. And he knew she was liking it from her moans. He was expecting her to be put off by that tough guy act but instead she was liking it more than ever.

He reached his hand down to her crotch. To his delight she started jerking her hips right up against back against his palm. Stepping things up a bit, he used his teeth on her nipples too, feeling them quiver up. Still massaging her down there, he started humping her leg.

“Oh wow! You remind me of my ex-boyfriend Brian Griffin!”

He immediately stopped and looked up at her. “You don’t say?”

“Oh yeah! Brian likes to bite my boobies like that too! Are you like friends with him or something?”

“Best friends forever. He sent me to check up on you. And he said to tell you hi!” He started biting all over her tits even more, and even unzipped the fly of her pants to find her panties. He dug his fingers in there and pushed right into her vaginal folds.

Jillian suddenly squeaked. Her pussy tensed up, then spasmed as a mess of juices spilled out through her panties and all over his hand. He stopped eating her chest and took his fingers up to his mouth and licked them clean. “Giggity-giggity-gigg-it-y. Alright.” He looked at Jillian, who was panting from the force of that orgasm. It was such a strong climax that she eventually fell right to her knees. That would never give him cause to show her mercy. “You like that, you little bitch?”

“Your pokey thing is about as big as Brian’s penis.”

“Wait, wait, wait...” he said, clapping his forehead. “Your telling me Brian’s penis is that small?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Let’s have some numbers.”

“Oh I don’t know. Math is hard and I can’t really remember, but sometimes he would hump my butt and it would be nowhere near my poppy hole.”

“Your poopy hole.”

“Right my poppy hole! And then even after I spread my butt cheeks, it still couldn’t get in there.”

Glenn was giggling. “So uh, what about the front?”

“Whenever he got it in there, he only lasted for a few seconds before he started barking. And then he would pull out of me with a big smile on his face.”

“You’re telling me Brian does dry orgasms?”

“Uh-huh. And I’d offer to clean him up like this but he’d always be scared of my teeth. He thought I was going to bite it off.”

“Was it bite size?”

“Uh-huh!”

“Okay Jillian honey, clearly you need to see a real penis.” Without asking, he dropped his pants there on the spot. His dick was poking right up. “Heh. Say hello to my huge friend!”

Jillian gasped. “Wow, what is that?” She leaned forward and sniffed all over it. The heat of Glenn’s dick filled her nose and she almost passed out. “It’s so big and hot.” She looked up at him. “Brian never had a penis like this one. Are you an alien? From the alien place the government controls?”

“Heh. Oh yeah baby! Area 69! Put him in your mouth and he might even say ‘Hi!’”

“Okay! Hi magic penis! I’m gonna help you open up!” Then she took his cock right into her mouth.

She was going down on the entirety of his length from the start. He couldn’t believe how good she was giving him head. With every second she sucked him off, she moaned deeply. Her eyes were closed like she was in a trance. She didn’t suck him off like a whore, she sucked him off like something else altogether. All he could do was sigh happily as she worked him.

When she got down to the base of his shaft again, he grabbed her face. She looked up at him innocently with that same vapid look in her eyes. “Faster, bitch!” he snapped at her.