Chapter 8

She heard him rise early and shower. Just as she had done dozens of times with Allan, Kerri pulled the covers over her head, as a child would do to ward off the monsters of the night. There simply was no defense. She knew he could take her any time and any way he wished. His footsteps in the hall grew closer to her door and she trembled, but, thankfully, he moved on past and into the kitchen. After a few more minutes she heard the front door slam. Kerri waited several minutes to make sure he was gone before arising.

Dragging herself to the counter, she fixed tea and tried to eat; but her appetite had deserted her. As she sipped the steaming tea her mind raced, pondered, questioned.

Was it genetic? Did Kyle inherit an innate desire to hurt and control from his father? it would seem so, yet she felt that answer might be too easy. Revisiting the feelings of guilt as she always seemed to do, she questioned what she had done, or, she thought, was it something she hadn't done? Dr. Sizemore had mentioned that teens, perhaps more than at any other time in their life, needed the comfort and security of loving relationships. But how, she questioned, could she have loved Kyle any more? What more could I have given him, she asked herself?

She pushed the obvious solution back into her subconscious and sought other answers, but when none presented themselves, she found herself letting the idea nibble at her consciousness until she could no longer ignore it.

Was the reason Kyle was venting his aggressions toward her sexually, that he had wanted, needed her sexually and that was the thing she kept denying him? She thought back to the few instances when Kyle had seen her in some state of undress. She remembered his reaction, for instance the time when, while doing laundry, she had not heard him arrive from school. Thinking herself alone, she had slipped off her outfit to add to the wash, intending to go straight to the bedroom to dress. Starting to leave in bra and panties, she impulsively pulled them off to add to the washing as well.

As she walked down the hall, however, Kyle came walking around the corner and both were dumbfounded as the totally nude mother was her son's center of attention. She had scrambled back into the laundry room as quickly as possible muttering an apology. But, she did remember two things from that incident. Kyle had made no effort to turn away or retreat when he had encountered her and had never offered any apology for continuing to stare at her as she retreated. Could he have needed her sexually all these years, blaming her for every misfortune, drifting away from her emotionally because he had wanted her sexually and she, too blind to see it, had denied him?