Chapter 2: My Debut

After my second semester at NC State, my grades were still so poor that the school asked me to 'take a semester off.' I think they do this to perhaps discourage you from wasting everyone's time. They know your not going to make it and they're just hoping you'll go away quietly.

I went away from class but not from school. I was too scared to tell my dad I was out on probation, so I just went back to campus, found a job as a waitress and got an apartment. I was working and partying. It wasn't much different from when I was actually a student except that now I had more bills to pay and less money in my pocket.

As I was getting tired of scrounging, I started looking for a second job. I needed something that wouldn't cut into my partying time too much, though. I was in the student union looking through the paper one afternoon, when I saw the add. 'Art Class Models needed. $10/ per hour.'

As I stood in the staging area with just my robe on I took a deep breath. There was a buzzing in my ears. I stood there as if I didn't know what to do next. I suddenly remembered being on the other side of this scene. Seeing 'Mr. Chubby' coolly standing in this same spot, casually dropping his robe. Suddenly he seemed a lot braver, his nobility had risen again.

'Are you ready?' Mr.Tsing's voice broke into my thoughts. 'Yeah. I'm fine. I'm ready... I mean.' I was stumbling. My heart was pounding in my chest and my ears. I couldn't ever remember being this terrified. 'I have to breath deeply. I have to calm myself down.' I was telling myself. 'God I wish I had a drink.' I took a deep breath and held it.

'OK, drop your robe and come over here to this mark' Mr. Tsing interrupted my thoughts again referring to a masking tape 'X' on the floor. I had my back to the class. I didn't want to see anyone's face. 'If I could just catch my breath... damnit!' I took another deep breath and started fumbling with the belt on my robe. This was it. The belt had loosened. My heart was still pounding in my ears. I started to open the robe and felt it slip from my right shoulder. As it slipped from the left, gravity pulled it down to where it caught on my elbows. As if a machine, I let my arms straighten and fall back. The robe fell. Suddenly I was very cold. I was seeing my toes. As my eyes began to focus I could see my belly... my breasts... my nipples... they were rock hard. I started to turn. I wanted to run. This was a mistake. I was now facing Mr. Tsing... and the class. I was naked. Everyone was seeing me. There was nowhere to hide.

I walked awkwardly toward Mr Tsing, trying to see only him. He looked at my eyes with seeming empathy. 'Ok, ' he said 'turn a bit to your right. that's it. Turn your head to the left a bit... ' as he gently pushed my cheek with his hand. I kept my eyes looking at him as I turned my head. I didn't want to see anyone else at that moment. 'Good. now raise your left arm and just touch the back of your head lightly... good' He was guiding my hand. 'good. very good.' he said as he started to back away. Just then he glanced down and back up as if he was afraid I would see him looking at my body. He reminded me of a drunk checking me out in a bar. He stopped for a second staring at my breasts. They were big and he was noticing. Maybe he was noticing how hard my nipples were. He turned away suddenly, addressing the class as he did. This shocked me slightly. It broke my focus on my condition. He had done what a million other guys had done, stare at my boobs. The only difference was this time I was naked in a room full of people. Quite a difference. I was relaxing... a bit anyway. I still couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with anyone in the class. The light was helping. It was bright on my right side. It made that part of the class seem dark, hard to see. My shoulder was starting to tighten. 'Already?' It seems like it had only been a few minutes. This was going to be difficult in more ways than one. I tried to think about going out that night. I tried to think about anything. Just then I heard someone say 'mmmmm-hmmmmm.' It was exaggerated. It sounded male. I could just imagine what they were saying about me. God I hope no one I know is out there. I tried to relax again. 'focus on breathing.'

Suddenly Mr Tsing's voice broke into my thoughts. He was calling for a five minute break. I was frozen. He turned to me and told me to relax. My body seemed to crumple on his command. I fell back from my spot, grabbing my robe. In a shot it was on me and I was heading for his office. I shouted, 'be right back' in Mr Tsings general direction. Didn't want to risk any eye contact.