Chapter 37

Glancing at her watch after Ben headed off to class, Ally decided it was hardly worth climbing three flights of stairs for maybe ten minutes of lecture. Besides, she ran the risk of running in to Barclay there, and she wasn't up to facing all that in light of everything that was going on. Instead, she wandered over to the campus pond, found an empty bench, and watched the swans glide across the glassy surface of the water.

Ally had a lot to think about. As much as she didn't want it to be true, she realized that she had indeed written Professor Salinger off as being gone for good. And that made her wonder if her relationship with Ben was real, or merely a substitute for the feelings she had for Salinger. She kicked at the rocks beneath the bench in frustration. How could she have such strong feelings for two men at once? And to think she had been so judgmental of Kaija when she was in the same situation...

She had to get this resolved, and fast. How was it possible that an uptight Catholic girl could feel so much in so little time?

"Hey, roomie!" a voice called from behind her. Kaija, cradling an armful of books, rounded the bench and sat down next to Ally. "What are you doing here this time of day? I thought you had psych class now."

Ally turned to face Kaija, her lips pursed in worry, and her face lacking its usual rosy color.

"Holy shit, you look like you've seen a ghost!" Kaija cried out before Ally could say a word. She reached into her purse and pulled out a small compact of blush. "This and a short talk will do wonders," Kaija promised, holding the compact out to Ally.

Ally accepted the compact and held it on her lap. "In a way, I guess you could say I have seen a ghost." Kaija threw her a confused look. "Salinger's back," Ally explained.

"Wow, you must be psyched!" But Kaija's excited expression vanished as she noted her roommate's turmoil continued in full force. "So why do you look so glum then?"

With a shrug, Ally bit her lower lip. "There's just a lot I don't understand about what I'm feeling right now." She ran her fingers absently over the engraved cosmetic company logo on the lid of the compact.

"How did you find out he was back?"

"He called Ben while we were having lunch and asked him to meet him outside of the English building. Of course I tagged along."

Kaija looked confused. Salinger calling a student out of nowhere seemed a little odd.

Sensing Kaija's question, Ally offered an explanation. "Ben missed his weekly conference with Salinger, so he called to track him down."

"Ah," Kaija said, nodding. "Well about those confused feelings you mentioned... maybe I can help," Kaija suggested. When Ally didn't respond right away, Kaija continued. "We should at least give it a shot. You look entirely too miserable to go on like this." It sounded melodramatic, but it was true. No one deserved to be that conflicted. "So what's going on?"

Ally's cheeks grew warm with embarrassment. "I think I, uh, have feelings for two people at once, and I'm not sure what to do about it."

Kaija blew out a breath of air, confident that that particular dilemma was well within her range of skills. "Well step into my office, Ms. Delaney," Kaija said, making a grand gesture to lighten the mood. "I'm certain I can help you with that one. In fact, some would even consider me an expert in that very specialty!" she added proudly.

Ally managed a weak giggle. She loved Kaija to pieces for trying to help her, but she felt the situation was far from funny.

"Spill it, girl," Kaija pressed. "I assume we're talking about Ben and Professor Salinger here, right?" Ally nodded. "Okay, then let's start with the easy one-Ben. What is it that draws you to him?"

Ally thought about it a moment. "Well, he's kind... caring... gentle... sweet... fun... honest... a great kisser... intelligent..."

Kaija held up her hand to stop the list which was promising to be quite lengthy. "Now Salinger."

"Hmm... Well, he's handsome, sexy, intriguing, exciting, and potentially helpful to my career." Ally shrugged. "I guess those are the main things."

Sensing a distinct difference between the two lists, Kaija smiled smugly. She folded her hands primly on her lap. "Before I give you my two cents, which, by the way, is probably worth exactly that, you should know that there are several possibilities here. You're in love with one of the men. You have a crush on one, or both, of the men. You're in love with the idea of being in love."

Ally nodded. The observation made sense to her. She scooted to the front of the bench, anxious to hear what her roommate had to say. "Come on, Kai, don't keep me waiting," Ally nearly whined.

"Okay, here's the scoop. I think you definitely have feelings for both men, but they're different kinds of feelings."

Ally raised her eyebrows and widened her eyes, silently pleading for more details.

"Professor Salinger represents a possible key to your future and, while I'll concede that he's an incredibly good looking guy, I think that's where the bulk of your interest in him lies."

Ally looked mortified. "Are you saying you think I want to sleep with him for the sake of my career?!?" Her eyes flashed with a combination of anger and disbelief. She was furious that Kaija could see her as being that shallow.

Kaija failed to suppress a hardy laugh. "No, no, no! But I think you do believe hanging around him will benefit your career. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just... well, I think it's sad that you feel you have to use your womanhood as well as your talent to get his attention."

That pissed Ally off. Royally. Did Kaija think she wasn't worthy of Salinger's attention as a woman? But when the initial anger settled, she found herself wondering if maybe she was in fact in love with the future Salinger could provide her, starting with the book project they were supposed to be working on together. Yeah, Colin Salinger was sexy, handsome, and all that, but maybe, just maybe, she wasn't really in love with the professor himself. Even Ally had to admit there was potentially a grain of truth to that. And it would make life simpler in some ways...

"Then there's Ben," Kaija continued, breaking the silence. "Oh Ally, I've seen you two together multiple times, and girl, you're insane if you risk losing that! The air practically sizzles when you two are in the same room! And you know it yourself. In fact, you proved it when I asked you to list what you liked about each man."

"Huh?" Ally asked, baffled once again.

"Easy. When you listed what you liked about Ben, you got this dreamy look on your face, and the qualities just rolled off your tongue with little thought. With Salinger, well, it was like you were reciting your grocery list." She scrunched up her nose for emphasis. "And, uh, pardon me for saying so, but a few of the items on Salinger's list were a bit..." Kaija paused as she tried to find just the right word to describe what she was thinking. "... shallow." She flinched a bit, expecting at least a playful smack from her roomie.

"They were not," Ally protested, her chin firmly in that upturned, defiant position.

Kaija nodded. "Oh yes they were. Trust me. Hell, I was expecting you to tick off each of Salinger's traits using your fingers! With Ben, it was like each word evoked a special memory with him. Promises of more to come."

"You're full of it, Kaija," Ally said, laughing her off.

"Kaija shrugged. "Think what you like, but if you let Ben get away, you're an absolute fool, and I hope you regret it as long as you live!" She spat the words out like some angry curse.

It wasn't a bitter remark. Far from it. It was more of a passionate plea. Ally smiled warmly. "Thanks, Kaija," she said, her expression softening.

Kaija glanced at her watch. "Sorry, I really need to head off to class. We can talk about this more tonight if you want."

As Kaija stood up, Ally grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "Thank you. I really do appreciate it," she smiled.

Now that all was semi-right with the world again, Ally had some major catching up to do. She had ignored her creative writing assignments altogether, thinking that whoever took Salinger's place would most likely change the projects anyway. If she was going to salvage her grade in that class, she needed to dig in her heels.

Ally headed straight for her dorm room, where she worked steadily for a good three hours. When all was said and done, she was impressed with how much she managed to accomplish in that short of time.

Just as her stomach was starting to rumble with thoughts of dinner, the phone rang. Ally smiled as she heard Ben's greeting at the other end of the line.