Episode 8: The Tantrum

After the day of Cissy's dinner party, I thought that life would be totally different and totally great for me at the House. Of course that wasn't true, but it was better, much better. I got along with Lucy and Vivian, slowly getting to know and like them and earning their trust. Now that I was suddenly and inexplicably getting interested in all the "girl stuff" that had made me so uncomfortable before, I needed their help all the time. Lucy, particularly, seemed to have the answer to every question about every girl thing from nylons to night sweats, and I began to wonder how I had ever gotten along without her. I saw Nicole at the pool and we made arrangements to do our workouts together, and she was really sweet and fun. I did better at getting to my class musters on time and cleaned up properly and with my reading done. The other girls seemed to accept me more, and I kind of became the girl with the necklace, and I was so proud of it. It represented the difference between the old Pet who hated everybody and couldn't do anything right, and the new Pet who was pretty and did okay and got along with people, and whose Lady was proud of her.

Some things I was still not so good at. One was keeping my room picked up. I just couldn't seem to think about it. Fortunately Lucy and Vivian were patient with me and helped keep it straight, but I could never find anything when I wanted it, and it was frustrating and I got mad sometimes. Mostly at myself, and I tried so hard not to take it out on others, but that didn't always work. It seemed to be just a part of my personality that I lost it when I was frustrated. The big difference now was that I was so sorry afterward that I would hate myself and get depressed and cry. At those times, Cissy could have been gentle and supportive and caring, but she wasn't. She expected me to do well at everything, and now that we had a better relationship she started to push me more and I didn't like it. Vivian said I was like a very well-bred horse, fast and beautiful but high-strung and willful. I supposed it was kind of true, but I said horses were supposed to be broken and girls weren't.

One other thing I had trouble with was my sexual relationship with Cissy. She called me to her suite sometimes, and even more often she came to my room for an hour or two before she went to sleep. She seemed to insist that we spend that time together, as if there were some kind of schedule. I was willing, I really honestly was. Cissy gave me chills when we were together, her magical fingers and superb beauty and endless imagination and understanding of my body gave her a power over me that went far beyond our "official" relationship. But I wasn't content. I was happier, but I couldn't be content sleeping with Cissy even when I honestly tried. In a strange way, no matter how Cissy wore me out, it always seemed as if, emotionally, there should be something more. I thought about it a lot and even asked Lucy what could be wrong. She didn't know. Finally I decided that it was because, in bed, I served Cissy. Of course I did, she deserved it and demanded it as her right. It was natural for her. But now that all these feminine emotions seemed to be waking up inside me, what I wanted was to make love. To have a lover I could learn along with, share my feelings with and sometimes take a little initiative with in bed, just a LITTLE. Cissy understood that, she always understood everything. But without really discussing it she gave me to understand that I had to be patient, that a relationship like that was in my future, not now.

I didn't WANT to be patient. I continued to welcome Cissy and I did everything she said. She even sent me to two other Ladies over the next couple of weeks, and I did everything that was expected of me without a complaint. One was Mademoiselle Shannon. She was demanding and strict, with a very narrow range of tastes that were really hard for me to get into, but I performed the best I could, for Cissy, and Shannon seemed reasonably pleased. There was nothing that Cissy could point her finger at and tell me I was doing wrong. But after we had sex, I was kind of remote and thoughtful as we lay together and when she left, I didn't mind.

She almost always tied me lightly when we had sex, my wrists behind my back with a soft linen cord that she favored because it didn't leave marks. It was a reminder that our sexual encounters were at least partly training exercises, and she was in complete control of them. She didn't like me using my hands unless she gave them a specific purpose, and it had never really bothered me. She did everything anyway, and when I came it even felt kind of exciting to be a little more helpless in her hands. It wasn't even awkward for me any more. After she was gone, Vivian would untie me and put me to sleep in her sweet, caring way, massaging my shoulders and dressing me in fresh nightclothes and stuff before turning out the light. At Cissy's, I would sleep tied. It made me stiff but not so much that I couldn't loosen up when I worked out later that day.