Episode 3: Good Girl, Bad Girl

Be good, be good, be good! WHY? What did being good really mean, and why did everyone refuse to ever shut up about it? The instructors ordered me to be good, my maids begged me to be good, the other brainless prissy girls took such pride in being good. Cissy suggested that I would be happier if I tried harder to be good. She was saying the same thing as everyone else, she just had a fancier way of saying it. If I heard it even one more time I was going to lose it.

'Cissy, ' I thought, 'if the House wants me to be good, when is it going to start being good to me?' When was the House going to stop making me do things I didn't want to do? When was it going to stop punishing me? And most of all, when was the House going to let me GO? That was what I really wanted, I kept telling myself. Beyond that, I didn't think very far. Just to be free! I had a right to make my own decisions, to act like I wanted to act, to be who I wanted to be instead of a House girl.

I came back from class in a miserable frustrated mood, on a hot, muggy, rainy day when the Couture Instructor had threatened to send me to Cissy if I didn't pay attention. Being mad at her wasn't what was bothering me. Being mad at the other girls who whispered about me didn't bother me either. I was so used to being mad at them all that I barely noticed any more. What bothered me was my own stupid weakness, because I shouldn't have let them make me cry. I looked straight ahead all the way back upstairs and I didn't make a sound, but the tears were running very slowly down my face and streaking my mascara. The duty Trainer and the other girls in my muster could all see them. When I got to my room I slammed my door shut, kicked off my hated, uncomfortable uniform pumps and threw myself on the bed, pounding my pillows with my fists in an agony of frustration and wiping my eyes with the bedspread. The day maid wasn't around, and it was a good thing for her. She'd be sorry if she bothered me today. I had three stuffed animals on my bed, two bunnies and a bear, and the last time I'd been in a mood like this I had hit her with two out of three before she made it to the door. She was lucky she was so quick, too, because the next thing to hand had been the water glass on the nightstand.

My door opened after a soft knock and I wheeled around, a bunny ready in my hand. Cissy was in the doorway.

She was dressed for business as she always was this time of day. It was very unusual for her to be away from her office in the Administration wing before five. I put the plush animal down and rubbed my hands over my face, trying to get myself together as she took a couple of steps into the room and set her purse on the bureau near the door.

I got off the bed and stood up straight, not quite in the attention posture that I was supposed to assume, and said, "Good Afternoon, Cissy." Then, realizing how awful I must look and knowing that I couldn't hide my tears from her, I put my chin up and looked her defiantly in the eye.

"Good Afternoon, Pet. I'm sorry you don't seem to be feeling well. Mademoiselle Helena rang me to say that you had had a difficult day at Couture, and I thought I would drop up to make sure you were all right." Cissy's voice was calm and cultured as always, and she looked genuinely concerned in her reserved way. I was sure it was an act. She had probably come to punish me or at least lecture me. I mentally added one more death to the ones I already owed that tyrant Mademoiselle Helena.

"I'm all right," I muttered, staring at the floor. "Don't worry about me."

"Pet, that's precisely why I'm here. I am worried about you, and I'm sure you know why. Each time you misbehave, you simply take a step away from the happiness that I have always wanted for you. My role is to help you move toward that happiness."

I knew I shouldn't say anything, but I couldn't help myself. I was just so mad. "Cissy, you never help me do anything. You just order me to do things!" I thought that would be it, that she would just punish me right then, but she didn't. She said, "Let's sit down, Pet. It will be easier to talk." She sat on the edge of my bed and I reluctantly sat down next to her, refusing to meet her eyes. I ground my teeth as she just watched me, patiently waiting for me to look at her, and finally I had to.

She pursed her lips. "Now, do I really order you to do things?"

I squirmed in frustration and finally blurted, "Sometimes!"

She looked contemplatively into the distance. "Yes, sometimes I do. But not often, and only when you already know how you should behave and you refuse. Isn't that right?"

It was obvious where she was leading me. How could she think I was that stupid? I didn't let her do it.

"Should!" I gritted. "That's the problem and you know it, Cissy! You're always the one who gets to say what 'should' means. It's not fair!" I was starting to cry again and that made me even madder.

"Very well, do you think you should act disrespectfully in Mademoiselle Helena's class?"

"I shouldn't even have to BE in it!" My voice broke and I buried my face in my hands. I had hardly ever been this contrary with Cissy and I couldn't believe I hadn't been punished yet. She was still infuriatingly calm.

"We are not talking about your schedule, Pet. I hardly have more control over that than you have. You know that you must take class. We are talking about your behavior. Aren't we?"

She refused to understand. I felt like I was in a nightmare. My hands were shaking even though I had them knotted into fists, my nails digging into the palms of my hands and my lower lip between my teeth. Tears were streaming and I couldn't think. Why was she asking me all these questions, why didn't she just punish me? "I don't know, I don't know! I don't know anything and I want to leave! I want to get out of this place!" I sobbed in anguish. Cissy put a gentle hand on my knee, but I shrank away from her toward the head of the bed. She tried again.

"And go where? Pet, I don't think I've ever seen a girl as unhappy as you were before you were brought to the House. You were so unhappy, so unhealthy. Undisciplined. Unloved." I'd never head her voice soften like this before. She was emotional, almost. "The House cares for you, Pet. I care for you. You have everything a girl could want here, if you would simply accept the support and authority of the House. You can learn and grow and be happy here. But you must behave properly. It isn't that difficult."