CAST OF CHARACTERS

Sharon Smith---oldest child of Captain Joe Smith (recently deceased)
Angel---only child of Sharon and only grandchild of Captain Smith
Michael Smith---oldest son of Captain Smith, serves as his attorney
Ann Smith---Michael Smith’s fourth wife
Robert Smith---youngest of the Smith children, a salesman for one of the Captain’s businesses, and a gay man
Ramon Gonzales Smith---Robert’s partner Chancery Court Judge, The Honorable Roy Dean

Act 1

The curtain opens and we see the chambers of Judge Dean---All cast members are present. They are standing, arguing amongst themselves about different subjects. Angel wants to know why Uncle Michael missed the funeral. Ann is whispering to her husband and Sharon is asking no one in particular why they are here. A door opens and in walks the judge. Suddenly the room is quiet. Judge Dean walks behind his desk and starts to sit down when Michael speaks.

“Judge Dean, I demand to know why we are here. My father died without leaving a will. I know because I was his personal attorney. There is no need...”

“Like my notice said this meeting is to read the Last Will and Testament of Joe Smith. I personally helped him with it. You were not involved because: first, you are one of the heirs. Secondly, he did not trust you. Now sit down and let’s get started I do not have all day.”

The family quietly sniggered at the judge’s remarks but took their seats in front of the judge’s desk.

“Before I prepared this Will, I had the Captain visit two different doctors to verify that he was in good health both physically and mentally. Here are the results of those tests.”

He passes the doctor’s reports across his desk. No one actually reads them, they just glance at the papers and pass them around.

“Now, let’s get to it.” He begins to read:

“I, Joe Smith, being of sound mind and body, as attested to by two different doctors, hereby make this my Last Will and Testament.

To my three children, Sharon, Michael and Robert, I leave all the money I have in my bank account. It is to be divided equally among you. I want you to know that you three were the greatest disappointments of my life.

Sharon, you wasted your life. First, it took you 7 fucking years to get a Bachelor of Arts degree! The only good thing that came out of those years, is my granddaughter, Angel. But by your own admissions, you have no idea who her father is. You left her with me to raise as you galivanted all over the country protesting everything from cutting timber in Oregon to a pipeline in North Dakota, cows farting in Montana and a coal mine in Kentucky. All of which were done in spite of your protests. I was always there to bail you out and get you an attorney to keep you out of jail. Your ideas may be sincere and have merit, but I consider you nothing more than an environmental terrorist!

Now Michael, my attorney son, I gave you free rent in one of my properties and paid you a monthly retainer. Didn’t you ever wonder why you never handled anything important for me? The reason is you are incompetent! Your biggest clients are DUI’s and divorce cases. Your women clients always get a ‘discount’. That’s why you have been married four times! This last wife of yours, the stripper, is nothing more than a gold digger! She thinks that when I die you’ll inherit a fortune then she’ll sue you for her ‘fair share’...”

The reading is interrupted at this point by Ann Smith standing up and protesting.

“I am not a gold digger! I love Michael. He has no right to...”

“Mrs. Smith, sit down and be quiet! Another outburst and I will call the bailiff and have you removed!”

“Sorry, your honor.” She sits back down.

“Where was I?”

He finds his place and continues:

“And knowing you Michael, you did not have her sign a pre-nup, so she’ll get most of your inheritance.

Now Robert, my gay son, you may be the biggest disappointment of all. Not because you are gay. No. Though I would have preferred not to hear your ‘coming out of the closet’ speech at my sister’s funeral wake. I thought that was bad timing. No, it is because you were the smartest of them all. Yet you flunked out of college because you got so involved with the LGBT community and its activities that you neglected your studies. You ended up living in Key West and working as a bartender! Such a waste of a bright mind!...”

“He did not waste his mind. We are going to use this money to buy that bar!” Judge Dean just looks at Ramon and does not say a word. Ramon gets the meaning and meekly sits down in his chair. He begins reading again:

“To my only granddaughter, Angel, who I raised and love with all my heart, I leave my K-bar knife, my 1911.45 caliber pistol, my two shotguns and three rifles, along with my snake-charmer...”

Ramon speaks up, “Judge, what is a “snake-charmer?”

The judge looks annoyed but before he can say anything Angel says, “His snake charmer is a saw-off .410 shotgun with a pistol grip. He used it for killing snakes.”

“If I can please finish!”

“Sorry” is heard from various people.

“I hereby appoint Angel as executor of this will and she is to make sure it is carried out exactly as I have written it.”

“That’s all?”

“How much money are we talking about?”

“What about the house, the land, the cattle, the four chicken houses, and all the other properties he owned?”

“He divested everything he owned about a year ago. I’ll make disbursements at 2 pm this afternoon in my office at the farm. Judge Dean, thank you, if you have any un-paid fees, please send me a bill.” Angel is getting up out of her chair and preparing to leave as the others began to talk amongst themselves.

Ramon says, “Robert did you hear what she said? He sold everything before he died! We will get the money today! I’ll call Simone and tell her we are buying the bar!”

Ann could be heard asking Michael how much everything was worth.

“Seven or eight million at least, maybe as high as 10 million! It just depends.” “On what?”

“The real estate prices, the market. Lots of things. But we are rich! Lets take that vacation to Europe!”

As they file out of the office, Angel has a sly grin on her face and winks at Judge Dean. He smiles back at her.

The lights fade to black as the curtain closes on the first act.

ACT 2

The scene is in an office at the farm. Angel sits behind a desk. She has changed clothes from the ones she wore at the morning meeting. She is now dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved work shirt. She lays 3 checks on her desk alongside the ‘snake charmer’, as all the cast members, except for the judge, walk into the office and take seats. There is a jovial mood in the room. Everyone is commenting on how thoughtful it was for the Captain to liquidate all his holdings before he died. Angel asks them to take their seats.

“There’s not much left to say here. Just give us the checks and we’ll be on our way. I imagine you need to be leaving also, so we will not take up much of your time. Robert and Ramon are riding with us to the airport, let’s hurry this along.” Michael seems anxious to leave.