RALPH

Ralph unloaded the last crate off the truck at 5:30 and checked his watch. "Whoohoo! A half hour of O-T!" He gave the lading papers to the boss and punched out. He walked across 14th street to the subway and stopped in front of Edge Play, that new kink club that opened a few months ago. He knew that he couldn't afford to drink in Manhattan, but he was curious. He opened one of the plate glass doors and entered. Standing in a hallway, he saw a BDSM bookstore on the left and a novelty store on the right. He entered the novelty store and browsed around a bit. He came to a wall full of novelty tee shirts with such sayings on them as, "I came on Eileen," and others.

His jaw dropped when he saw what one said. He looked for his size in the bin below the wall and grabbed a shirt. The clerk came over to him and asked, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah," he answered. "I'll take this shirt, but what's a co-ed beer pissing contest?"

The clerk told him what a co-ed tandem beer-pissing contest was while they approached the cash register.

He checked out and headed back outside to go home with his prize. He took the subway down to the World Trade Center then hopped a PATH train home to the Jersey side.

Once home to his studio apartment in Newark, Ralph opened the package with childish anticipation and draped the shirt on his bed.

He nuked a frozen pizza for dinner, showered, and got ready for the night. After pulling his jeans and shoes on, he donned the bright yellow tee shirt that read in bright red letters,

CO-ED TANDEM
BEER-PISSING
CONTEST WINNER
SUMMER 2003
EDGE PLAY

All set, he headed back out. He stopped for a drink at his regular hangout, DJ's Bar and Grill -- a "guy's hangout" where there's usually a ballgame on the big screen. Not the kind of place you'd go to meet women, but a good start to the evening.

DJ came over to Ralph as he sat at the bar. "Hey Ralph, what'll ya' have?"

"Gimme a Guinness, DJ."

"Comin' right up! Say, what's with the shirt? What the hell's a co-ed tandem beer-pissing contest? You really won that?"

"Naw! There ain't no such thing. I got it in some novelty shop at a kink club in the city. I got it as a joke to see how people, well, girls react."

"Ain't no girls in here tonight." DJ was right, there wasn't a female in the place; but it was the end of footbowl season and the bar was filling up with guys to watch the Superball game on the big-screen TV.

Ralph started to watch the game, but when he saw the Giants bungle the first play at the start of the game he decided to bug out after downing his beer. He headed down the street to Waves, the new place with the vibrating dance floor.

Ralph could hear Rammstein pounding the street from half a block away. The place was jumping to Mutter as he entered. He squeezed his way up to the bar and ordered another beer. He didn't recognize anyone he knew, but he did notice people giving him odd looks.

He sauntered over into an opening at the shiny brass rail and watched the dance floor. After a moment, he caught the eye of a girl leaning against the rail a little farther down. He didn't recognize her, but he smiled back at her. A moment later, she was standing next to him leaning against the rail.

He caught her eye and said, "Hi! You're new in here. I haven't seen you here before."

"No? I come here once in a while with my friends, but not too much."

"You like to dance?"

"Sometimes. But what's a beer pissing contest?"

"Well, if you don't know, then you don't want to know."

"Oh. Okay. Well, if you'll excuse me, I see my boyfriend just coming out of the men's room. See ya' round."

Ralph found another spot against the rail to watch the crowd. He finished his beer and met no other prospects so he decided to try somewhere else.

He headed across the street to Jack's -- a mellow just-hang-out-and-drink-and-shoot-the-bull kind of bar.

"What'll it be, Ralph?" asked Jack.

"I'm drinking Guinness tonight."

"Comin' at ya!"

Ralph moseyed over to the ancient pinball machine and shoved a quarter in the slot. As he played, a couple of guys had gathered around to watch. Playing intently, they didn't say anything to each other as Ralph racked up his score on the machine. One of the other guys set a quarter on the machine. Ralph finally ended with 102,457 points -- not great, but not too bad either.

"Okay, beat that!" said Ralph as he relinquished the machine to his challenger.

The other guy started to play as Ralph watched. He was watching as the score passed the 100,000-point mark and then noticed two girls on the other side of the machine looking at his shirt. Ralph looked back at them and grinned.

"Whad'ya win?" asked one of the girls.

Ralph never though about what the prize would have been and answered the first thing that came into his mind. "A thousand bucks each."

"But what is a co-ed beer pissing contest?" asked the other girl.

Ralph walked around the machine up to them. "You don't know what a beer pissing contest is?" Ralph asked with mock surprise.

"No," answered both girls together.

Ralph leaned close and whispered into one of the girls' ears.

"Ick! That's gross!" said the girl, making an ugly face.

The one girl whispered to the other girl, who responded, "Ewwwwww!"

Both girls scurried away giggling and going, "Ewwwww!" together.

Ralph left Jack's and wandered down the street, around the corner, then down another street for several blocks until he crossed some Conrail tracks. The sidewalk was gradually growing in disrepair, and the buildings were gradually becoming less sturdy looking. He suddenly realized, with some anxiety, that he had wandered into the hood.

He was about to turn back when he noticed a bar on the corner he was approaching. It was a rather seedy looking windowless hole-in-the-wall kind of place. There were a couple of black guys leaning against the cracked dirty stucco wall next to the doorway. They ignored him as he went inside.

Inside, there ware a fair number of people. It wasn't packed, but he was careful not to bump anybody as he walked up to the bar. He took a seat on one of the torn and decrepit stools and waited for the bartender to notice him.

"What'yo having, dude?" asked the bartender.

"I'm drinking Guinness."

"Don't got that fancy shit," the bartender said. "How about a Bud?"

"I guess that'll work."

The bartender served him and then left him alone.

Ralph looked around, trying to avoid eye contact with anybody. It was a mixed crowd of men and women, as you would find in most any bar. He was self conscious about being the only white face in the place, but they seemed to be ignoring him inasmuch as people in any bar would ignore anybody they didn't know and who was minding his own business.

He swung back around and continued drinking his beer when he noticed someone sit next to him. Looking up, she was a tall slender black girl with long hair all in braids, and wearing tight jeans and a bright purple tank top over her ample curves. Catching her eye, he said, "Hi!"

"Hi yoself! Whatchoo doin' here?"

"Drinking this beer. What about you?"

"Nuthin."

"Want a beer?"

She just shrugged. Ralph waved the bartender over with a dollar. "A beer for the lady, please."

The bartender glanced at her, and she said, "Gimme a Dos Equis."

Ralph leaned closer to her and whispered, "You have good taste in beer!"

She just shrugged again. Ralph started to wonder if he should just make a quick escape before he got into trouble; but he cautiously glanced around and saw that still nobody was paying him, or the girl, any attention.

He looked back at her and she was reading his shirt. "Wha's tha'?" she asked.

"What's what?" asked Ralph.

"Wha's a coo'ed beer pissing contest?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yeah! I wan' know!"

He leaned closer to her again. "It's where a bunch of couples, guys and girls, compete to see who can piss the most beer into a pitcher. Each guy gets tied down on his back onto a long narrow padded plank and they stick a plastic pipe over his wiener and into a pitcher. Each girl then sits on her guy's head with her pee-hole over his mouth. She then has to chug as much beer as she can until he fills the pitcher. Whichever couple fills their pitcher first is the winner."

"Oh yeah," she said, "I knows this othah' bar that did that. I wanted to do it, but mah las' squeeze tol' me I was a ho' fo' wanting to do it. But he was a playah' so I dumped him anyways."

Ralph scratched his chin wondering what language she just spoke in.

"How much yo' win?" she asked.

"We each won a thousand bucks."

"A thousand bucks! Whoa! Yo gonna be doing this contest again?"

"Naw, she and I broke up and I don't have a partner for the one coming up."

"There's going to be anothah' one?"

"Yeah, they do it every month. The next one is happening in a few weeks, I think."

"Oh man, you ain't lookin' fo' a partner are ya?"

"Well, maybe. Are you interested?"

"Shit, man! Fo' a thousand bucks, yo can drink mah piss!"

"Well, okay. Give me your number and I'll call you a few days before the contest. It'll be at Edge Play in Manhattan. "

"I ain't got no phone, sugar. An' I ain't never heard of no Edge Play."

Setting down his beer, "You want to come with me, then?"

"Sho', why not?"

Ralph finished his beer, stood, and motioned her to follow him. Ralph noticed a few eyes on them as they left the bar together, but nobody hassled them.