Chapter 49

When Bill Gates calls a press conference in Las Vegas on the eve of COMDEX, it is news. Moreover, because it was the eve of COMDEX, everyone who is anyone in the computer news media was already in town anyway. And when it was overlaid with the presence in town of two Nobel-prize-winning beauties, there were substantial numbers from the general media, as well. Finally, when Bill Gates puts out the word to his PR people that all chits are to be called for immediate collection, people jump, and jump high.

The result was a near-packed house in the ballroom of the Whitfield’s hotel. This too was the cause for some consternation, since no one connected with Microsoft was staying there nor ever had. The hotel had a reputation — in Las Vegas terms — of being staid. This means it would have been the hottest place in town almost anywhere else in the world.

When Gates came out on the podium and went to the rostrum, there was more buzzing from the professional Microsoft-watchers in the room. This included almost everone. The reason for the buzz was that Gates was out on stage alone. This had not happened in more years than anyone could remember. He was known for appearing amidst a small — or not so small — army of Microsoft people. But not this afternoon.

Today, Gates emerged and then held the curtain for the people following. First was a giant tiger who paced out while peering with baleful eyes at the people gathered before him. He was followed by two beautiful girls, instantly recognized as the Nobel-prize winners, and then another giant tiger. He took his position on one side of the microphone and positioned the girls on the other. The two tigers took house-cat poses flanking the rostrum.

“Good afternoon, everyone, and thank you for coming,” Gates began. “First, I want to apologize for the short notice, but I will give you my personal assurance that just sixty minutes ago there was nothing for me to report.”

He smiled and the reporters noticed that he seemed uncharacteristically relaxed. In fact, he seemed to be having a great deal of fun. “Second, I want to introduce the young ladies standing beside me. On my immediate right, the dark-haired one is Duchess Mary, and on her right, Duchess Ann. I won’t bore you with their full titles. I’m sure you all have them at your office, but if you don’t you can get them from us on the Internet.

“In addition, sitting beside me is Dame Duchess. A few weeks ago she was elevated by Her Majesty, Elizabeth II, to the rank of Knight Commander of the Military Order of the Bath. And flanking me on the far side is her brother, Duke, who was similarly honored. For those of you who think this is a joke, I assure you, it is not. The rank is abbreviated, KCB. Among those bearing this designation are the Duke of Wellington, the hero of Waterloo; and Horatio Lord Nelson, the hero of Trafalgar. It is not a shabby honor.

“But what is the purpose of this press conference? It is to announce an alliance between Microsoft Corporation and Noble Software.”

He paused and grinned, then continued, “You know what? Never has a company been more appropriately named than Noble Software. Standing beside me are the owners of 60 percent of the company. If I wanted to keep you here all night, all I would have to do is begin to recite the full list of their titles, including the minor ones. It would take all night. Then the owner of another 25 percent of the company — not present this evening — is Queen Karla of Bohemia. Now when a queen and two duchesses own 85 percent of a company, I think it qualifies as noble, don’t you?”

The reporters chuckled and lightly applauded.

“But what is the alliance for? Under our agreement, Microsoft will manufacture, distribute and market all Noble software. Noble will write it, prepare the documentation, and the package design.” He paused and mused, “‘Documentation’? Right...” He drew out the word while he slowly shook his head. “That’s a joke. Do you know what the complete documentation for Mayday is? It says, ‘1. Insert disk in compact-disk drive. 2. Enter.’ That’s it. That is absolutely all there is. From there on, it does whatever it needs to do by itself.

“There is one other announcement I will make prior to opening up for questions. Effective immediately, Microsoft Corporation is guaranteeing the compatibility of Noble Software with any computer, of any size, from any manufacturer.” Then he grinned and added, “Of course ‘The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.’ In this case, the take-away consists of a 40 percent price increase, also effective immediately. Those are our announcements, and now are there any questions?”

A reporter in the front shot his hand up and was recognized. “Can you tell us the terms of the contract? How long does it run, for example?”

The girls exchanged looks. This was a question that hadn’t even occurred to them. Bill fielded it with aplomb. “Good question, Steve. The contract is good until canceled by mutual consent or by Noble Software at its sole option. Next?”

“Bill, wait!” the reporter protested. “Let me see if I heard you correctly. Noble — these young women — can cancel at any time. The two of you — Noble and Microsoft — can agree to cancel at any time. But Microsoft, on its own cannot cancel at any time for any reason. Is that what I heard?”

“That’s what I said, so I’m glad that’s what you heard,” Bill replied with a grin. “Next?”

His announcement of the terms was literally stunning. The chairman, principal shareholder, and effective owner of Microsoft had just announced that his company could not cancel the contract at any time for any reason.

Another reporter was recognized. “Mr. Gates, I just don’t understand. You’re giving these girls life-or-death power over your company. Why?”

“Another good question!” Bill said. “It’s because I know these girls very well. Better in some ways than they know themselves. You see, if I ever get a call from them regarding the contract, it will be to change something that they think is unfair... to Microsoft! In these two women — and in their sister, the Queen — I am working with the most honest, most honorable, fairest people alive. They could no more take advantage of a business partner than they could fly.”

He stopped and waved his hands. “Stop everything. I take it back. There is, in fact, a far greater chance they could fly than ever take advantage of a partner.”

He paused and then said, “I’m going to say something that most of you — being career atheists — will ignore. But I’m going to say it anyway. You see, these young women are just loaded with God’s Sanctifying Grace. In a word, they’re holy. Every single thing these girls do is for the greater glory of Almighty God! That’s why I can trust them. Because I trust Him!”

He paused to let his words sink in. “How loaded with grace are these girls? Earlier, after we reached this agreement, one of them kissed me. I was unconscious for the next five minutes! That is the power of her love.”

Then he paused and reached out his hands to the girls. They all joined hands and bowed their heads. “Almighty God, Father of us all, we ask You this afternoon to bless our undertaking. For through greater knowledge may come greater understanding, and from greater understanding may come a greater appreciation for all the gifts You have bestowed upon us, and a greater appreciation of Your Divine works. Ultimately, it may lead to our understanding that the only way to Eternal Salvation is through You, O Lord, and through the suffering and death of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.”

At that instant there was a thunderous crash, and then a golden glow descended upon the three of them and the two tigers. It grew in intensity to rival the sun, then burst, covering the room and everything in it with gold. Then to the utter astonishment of both Ann and Mary, there was a chorus of thousands of voices singing a Czech hymn of joy. The music thundered in the room and was heard for miles in all directions. The three just remained standing with their heads bowed until it ended. When it did, the golden glow slowly dissipated and the reporters began to get up off the floor. They had all been knocked flat.

Still no one had said anything. All Bill had asked the girls was if the language of the song was Czech. When he was assured that it was, he just said, “I thought so.”

When it appeared that things were back to being as close to normal as they could be, Gates said, “Well, I will take that as approval of our agreement from the very Highest Authority. And for those of you who don’t understand Czech, that hymn you heard was an ode of joy. The singers? Thousands of Czech patriots who gave their lives that one day their country might be free. And I think it was a tribute also to the missing member of our merry band, Queen Karla. She is on her honeymoon right now. But as many of you know, she has been recognized by her government as her nation’s greatest hero. Since all three of Noble’s nobles are Czech, I guess there’s a certain amount of well-deserved national pride, too.”

Then he looked around and asked, “Any more questions?”

“Yes, sir,” a reporter yelled from the back. “Can you tell us anything about new software in the pipeline from Noble?”

“Great question!” Bill enthused. Then he listed off the ten top-priority items that his research people had identified, but which his own R&D people had said were impossible to develop. Ann just looked at Mary and crossed her eyes, causing Mary to giggle merrily.

“A follow-up, sir!” the same reporter yelled. “When do you expect the first of the new titles?”

“We hope to have the first one out within eight weeks, and all of them within twelve months,” Gates replied. “As you can see, we are truly looking forward to this relationship.”

“Mr. Gates,” a reporter called out, “what caused you to enter into it?”

“A really great question,” Gates replied. “I made up my mind in late December. You see, we were having one of our occasional knock-down, drag-out fights in the executive committee up in Redmond. I was on my favorite hobbyhorse, voice recognition software. I can remember screaming, ‘We’ve got to have it!’ My entire technical group were on their feet screaming, ‘It can’t be done!’ Anyway, the damned meeting didn’t break up until nearly midnight.

“On the way home, I hear a news bulletin on the radio, but I was too groggy for it to quite register. But when I got home, I turned on CNN, and guess what? A couple of young women had done it. It’s operational. And it’s quite complex. To give you an idea of its complexity, Windows 95 is about 95 megabytes on the hard drive. Corel’s Perfect Office — if you load the whole thing — is about 400 megabytes. Mayday? Now there’s a sophisticated program. It’s about 650 kilobytes!

“But their voice program? It’s a giant. You may not believe it, but it’s almost a full megabyte! It really is. But it’s worse than that. I learned earlier today that the girls were intending to sell it for about $39 retail. When I asked why, the redhead, Duchess Ann, was embarrassed. Finally she admitted that it was not only nearly a full megabyte in size, but it’s not even complete! It requires the computer to have Mayday installed first. So, since it’s really only an ad-in, they thought that $39 sounded right. In case you haven’t been paying attention, it’s out, we’re selling it, and it’s called Do-It!”

Then Bill shook his head and said, “I can see one problem with these girls, though. The problem? While I sort of think we should be selling the stuff, these kids just give it away.”

He grinned and continued, “But I mean, it’s for a good cause and all. Don’t you believe in offering a good price to the poor and the downtrodden? Well these kids do, too. So to whom do you suppose they gave a copy of Do-It! a couple of weeks ago? Her Royal Highness, Elizabeth II, Queen of England, Scotland, Wales and other assorted pieces of real estate. Now there’s a deserving charity for you! No way could she afford to spring for a copy.” Everyone howled with laughter, particularly the girls.

“Anyway, when I find they can do something in less than one megabyte that the finest computer geniuses in the world insist can’t be done at all, I have to conclude I’m working with the wrong geniuses.”

Suddenly he turned serious and continued, “I have made light of a great deal this afternoon. But I am also here today to pay tribute to these two young women. I have told you about the purity of their souls. Well, I should also tell you about the power of their brains. I like to think that one of the reasons for Microsoft’s success is, where computers and software are concerned, I’m just a little smarter than the average bear. And one thing I do know: I am standing beside the greatest scientific geniuses of our day, and, I submit, of any day! I am just smart enough to be able to talk to these girls about the problems. The two of them — and maybe their computer, Susie — are the only ones who can deal with the solutions.

“But there’s one more thing I will tell you: Not only do they come up with solutions, they come up with what we like to call elegant solutions. What’s an elegant solution? It’s one that is clean, simple, logical and neat. Typically, it’s also very compact, and as a result, very strong. That’s another way of saying it doesn’t crash.

“You want elegant? How about Mayday? Earlier I gave you its size — 650 kilobytes. Guess what? Over two thirds of it is nothing more than translation software so it can work with any computer, regardless of size, ever built. The actual working module, the one that does absolutely everything is ... Ready... ? less than 200 kilobytes! Now how’s that for elegant? And oh yes! One more thing. There are well over 1-million installations of Mayday already. Of course, now Microsoft’s on the scene, so sales will really pick up. But there has not been a single report of a Mayday system crash. Never! Nowhere!”

“Anyway, if I seem happy today, it’s only because I am. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to be working with these girls. Oh! One more thing. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the famous NIH syndrome? Not Invented Here? Well, I like to think that at Microsoft, we’re a lot better than most other companies. On the other hand, we employ human-type people, too.

“As a result, where Noble Software is concerned, there will be a single point of contact at Microsoft. It avoids a lot of mess and confusion. And if you haven’t already guessed, that point of contact is me. And since I really love these girls, that’s why I’m so happy. I’ll be talking with them regularly.” He just grinned out at the reporters

“Sir, another question, if I may,” a reporter shouted. “You were quite eloquent when you told us what these young women are going to be doing. If I’m not being presumptuous, what does Microsoft Corporation bring to the party. It’s their software, after all.”

“Great question!” Gates enthused. “First, there’s our market research. We tell them what to make. Now isn’t that a valuable contribution? Second, we provide marketing, public relations and distribution. And theirs really needs help. It’s lame!”