I’ve noticed that people don’t like stopping to chat to you when you get old. I think such conversations go wrong from the moment the guy says, ‘How are you?’ The problem starts with the response of the old man.

Even the best of us begins our reply by listing our ailments and the miracles of modern science that are keeping us above ground and still talking. We miss the point that the other guy simply doesn’t care.

A certain amount of self-pity can be tolerated but even the most empathetic person gets glassy eyed when I detail the possible side-effects of my pills.

I know the pharmacists must list them to stop lawyers ruining them in court, but who actually knows what probability feels like? It would really help if they offered some notes to put things in perspective. ‘This side effect is slightly less likely than being swallowed whole by a whale and regurgitated unharmed three days later’, like that guy Jonah.

That sort of everyday example is more useful than being told that one person in a hundred thousand develops in-growing toenails after taking the pills. Statistics are tricky.

Mark Twain considered spending his declining years travelling by railroad train. Less than one person in a hundred dies on a train whereas two out of three of us die in their own beds. Think about it: the deadliest place in the world is at the heart of your home.

Another problem is due to the insecurities of the younger person involved in the conversation. He’s conscious all the time that you might keel over in mid-sentence, and he’ll be expected to conduct CPR. Or he looks at you wondering if etiquette demands that he removes my false teeth before giving me the kiss of life.

I think the solution, as always, lies in preparation. A planned reply to the initial question about your health should acknowledge that he couldn’t care less about your answer.

Grunting is acceptable, reinforcing as it does the image of old people as rude and self-absorbed. The retort I’m using currently reflects my aspirations as an author: I feel my response should be suitably Poetic.

“I feel like a dirty plate left on the table after the diners have gone, waiting for the staff to notice me and take me to the Big Dishwasher in the sky.”

Brief, pithy and yet poignant.